Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women
Page 23
So now we’re home and as I look back over the last fifty years, if I had known what I was up against, I would never have made it. But I had a lot of help from my wife and the kids and my bosses and the parole officer and all in all, at the end of the day, I would say I’m a very lucky man. Now excuse me while I zip off to bed and see if that trend continues.
BUSTER’S LAST STAND
Buster asked that this be read at his funeral.
Friends and family. I’m writing this now because it will be very difficult to do after I’m dead and I’m not sure where I’d find a pen. I hope this is being read to you by somebody with a loud, clear voice. Moose would be a good choice, but don’t let him ad lib.
I’ve never had a lot of money or personal possessions and I wouldn’t know what to do with them anyway, so I’m leaving everything to my wife, Wanda. She’ll know what to do. She’s always been the decision maker. I know Flinty McClintock has always had his eye on my ATV, but I’m sure if you make Wanda a decent offer, she’d be glad to sell it to you. And it would be the first time you’ve made a decent offer to any woman.
Now that we’ve disposed of my personal possessions, I would like to share a few thoughts I have about life and love and any other mild irritants. I’ve had good friends and bad friends, but I’d like to thank any of them who stayed the same through the years. Even if they were thieves, as long as they were always thieves, I was fine with it. It’s when an honest man becomes a thief that I get confused.
So thank you to those friends who remained loyal and true. To the various bosses I’ve worked for throughout my life, I appreciated the employment and I’m sure you meant well. To my children, who are no longer juveniles and are by now well into adultery, I tried to let you see every aspect of married life so you could make up your own minds and govern yourselves accordingly. I may not have been the best father, but I was there every day and in time I hope you see that as a positive.
And finally, to my wife, Wanda, I’d like to thank you for giving me such a good life. I know we had our ups and downs and I’m sure neither Heaven nor Hell has anything to show me that I haven’t seen before, but all in all it’s been a great ride. I can think of many happy times throughout our married life. All the times when I was frightened but couldn’t show it. All the times when I was hammered but couldn’t hide it.
So thank you, Wanda. I don’t mind dying, because I had a good life and I don’t feel cheated and that’s because of you. If, after I’m dead, I’m only allowed to miss one thing, I will miss you.
In conclusion, let me just say to all of you that life is good. And if you believe that, it will be. But when all is said and done, I’ve said it all and now I’m done. I enjoyed the carnival, but it’s over and it’s time for me to lie down. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, that would be nice, but I hope it doesn’t happen right away.
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
If you’ve done everything correctly, or at least enough things correctly, and you’ve had your share of good luck, you may eventually get to the point where you realize that you absolutely married the right woman. You’ll feel a wave of affection and immense gratitude and you’ll have the urge to let her know how you feel. I know you’ve spent many years controlling and perhaps even medicating your urges, but this is one you really need to carry through on. You’ve got to let her know just how deep and profound your love for her has grown to be. Here’s how to do it.
• Stop at the florist’s shop and buy the biggest bunch of flowers you can find. They don’t have to be the freshest, ’cause they only have to last one night. But it needs to be an impressive display.
• Stop at the wine store and get a bottle of their most expensive local champagne. If you live in Milwaukee, the local champagne might be beer, but hey, put a cork in it. And while you’re at it, put a cork in the bottle too.
• Prepare the nicest dinner you can and hide the delivery boxes.
• Have candles lit on the table and the wine breathing when she gets home.
• Have a bubble bath waiting and her satin lounging outfit spread out on the bed. If she doesn’t have a satin lounging outfit, use her jogging pants and one of your bowling shirts.
• Offer to wash her back, and take no offence at her response. Then go and wait in the dining room for her arrival.
• When she gets there, hold her chair and resist the temptation to pull it away as she sits down.
• Dim the lights and serve dinner. Ask her about her day and anything else you can think of. Let her lead the conversation.
• Offer chocolate ice cream for dessert, but scrape it off the Fudgsicle stick before serving.
• Pour the wine and offer a toast. Make it a whole-wheat toast. It’s healthier.
• Kiss her gently as you reach into your smoking jacket, or just your jacket if it’s stopped smoking by now, and pull out a beautifully wrapped gift with a matching bow. Hand it to her with extreme humility.
• It’s not her birthday. It’s not your anniversary. You’re not in trouble. It’s just a miracle—a gift to her for no reason other than your affection for her.
• She’ll pretend to be so impressed with the gesture that she won’t care what’s in the box. She’s lying.
• She’ll unwrap the gift slowly and then carefully open the rich-looking box, unfold the silk paper, and there it is. Her eyes will widen. Her mouth will open. She won’t be able to believe what you’ve given her: the television remote! The ultimate sign that you surrender your heart, your mind and your life to her. And anything else that she wants, but that’s for later.
I know it’s a big ask, but if you do it right, it’s a decision that you will never regret. And if you do it wrong, you can always buy a replacement remote and wait until her batteries run out.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION FORM
1063742093335209854-B
YOUR NAME: _________________________________________________________________________________________
YOUR NICKNAME: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________
(If name not Nick, give alias)
ADDRESS: _________________________________________________________________________________________________
ADDRESS OF SPOUSE: ________________________________________________________________________________________
(If different than your address, estimate how long before she comes back)
____ DAYS ____ WEEKS ____ MONTHS ____ YEARS ____ DECADES
DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT THIS DOCUMENT IS NOT IN FRENCH? ____ OUI ____ NON ____ JE NE SAIS PAS
1. WHAT INITIALLY CAUSED THE MISUNDERSTANDING? (CHECK ONE)
___ SOMETHING YOU SAID
___ SOMETHING YOU DID
___ SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T SAY
___ SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T DO
___ NONE OF THE ABOVE
(If you answered “none of the above,” repeat the question. If necessary, consult with your wife. Or the neighbours. Or the police.)
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR WIFE’S REACTION TO YOUR TRANSGRESSION?
___ CALM
___ NOT CALM
___ AGITATED
___ HOMICIDAL
3. HOW DID YOU HANDLE YOUR WIFE’S ANGER?
___ YELLED BACK
___ WENT OUT TO THE GARAGE
___ TOOK OFF MY SHIRT
___ TURNED UP THE TV
4. WHAT DID YOU DO TO KEEP YOUR WIFE FROM LEAVING?
___ NOTHING
___ HID THE CAR KEYS
___ MADE HER A REALLY BIG HOAGIE
___ STARTED DOING THE LAUNDRY
(If your wife has been gone for more than three days, go to Question 5. If not, wait until next week.)
5. IN THE TIME SINCE THE ALTERCATION, HOW MUCH HAS YOUR OPINION CHANGED REGARDING WHO’S AT FAULT?
___ A LOT
___ SOMEWHAT
&nb
sp; ___ NOT NEARLY ENOUGH
(Keep coming back to this question until you answer “A lot”)
6. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE AND HAVE YOUR WIFE MOVE BACK HOME?
___ YEAH
___ HELL YEAH
7. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO GET HER TO COME BACK?
___ BUY HER SOMETHING
___ BE NICE TO HER FOR THE REST OF THE DAY
___ APOLOGIZE
___ APOLOGIZE SINCERELY
8. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS TO HER?
___ EMAIL
___ VOICEMAIL
___ TELL YOUR BUDDY TO TELL HER BROTHER TO TELL HER
___ SHE’LL FIGURE IT OUT
___ TALK TO HER LIVE AND IN PERSON
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD MAKE HER FORGIVE YOU?
___ LACK OF ALTERNATIVES
___ SHE ALWAYS HAS
___ I’M A MAJOR PRIZE
___ I’M GONNA TREAT HER BETTER
10. LOOKING AT YOUR MARRIAGE AS A PARTNERSHIP, WHAT PERCENTAGE WOULD YOU SAY YOU CONTROL?
___ 50
___ BETWEEN 0 AND 1.5
___ IT VARIES BUT NEVER DROPS BELOW 51
11. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST CHANGE YOU COULD MAKE THAT WOULD LEAD TO A BETTER MARRIAGE?
___ HAVE A LOBOTOMY
___ GIVE UP ON A HAPPY LIFE
___ LET MY WIFE KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER
12. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE THAT YOU LOVED HER?
___ WHEN IT WAS TRUE
___ HOW DO YOU MEAN?
___ WHEN I PROPOSED
___ WHEN THE BLUE JAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES
13. HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION DO YOU GIVE YOUR WIFE ON A WEEKLY BASIS?
___ NEVER ENOUGH
___ I SLEEP RIGHT BESIDE HER ALMOST EVERY NIGHT
___ DEPENDS ON HER MOOD
___ I COULD DO MORE
14. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER COMPLETING THIS FORM?
___ HAVE A BEER
___ HAVE ANOTHER BEER
___ LIE DOWN
___ APOLOGIZE TO MY WIFE
___ LIE DOWN WITH MY WIFE
If you found this form helpful, please notify the Social Services Department of the federal government so that we can renew our grant.
* This plan makes you a real man, or a real idiot, or both.
* See “Path of Least Resistance,” somewhere else in this book.