Falling to Pieces

by Michelle Louise

  “And the talk, where does that leave you guys? Are you okay now?”

  What excellent questions Sawyer.

  “I don’t know. I think we’re good.”

  But, where do we go from here?

  I can’t help but wonder who this Barbie is.

  “I guess now we just carry on with our lives.” I state flatly.

  Sawyer observes me for a minute before asking, “And that is what you want?”

  No.

  “Yeah, of course. What else would we do?”

  “Oh, wow. I don’t know Cheyenne, maybe admit your feelings and be together.”

  That’s a stupid idea.

  “Not going to happen.” I say with finality. It’s time for a change of subject. “What do you have planned for tonight?”

  Returning to her recently forgotten sandwich, Sawyer accepts the change. “Preston is working so Lilly can have the night off. Becka has plans, so it’s just you and me, friend.”

  “Well, that sounds like trouble in the making. I know this bar we can hit up. Gorgeous bartender I think you’ll like and I hear the manager isn’t too bad either.” I wink at Sawyer, happy for the mood lift.

  “Isn’t your boy’s band playing tonight too?”

  “Not my boy, but yes they are.” To my surprise, I had forgotten Dave and his band would be at Penny’s tonight.

  I had been looking forward to when he would be back in town, but the minute I saw Sam, all thoughts of another guy were out the window.

  “Be careful.” Sawyer’s concern is written all over her face. I’m not sure if she is referring to Dave or Sam, but I am not about to ask.

  “I am not doing anything.” I sing back.

  “On that note, I got to run to class. See you later on.”

  After cleaning up her lunch mess, Sawyer grabs her messenger bag and heads out the door.

  Checking the time on the stove, I am surprised it’s still before noon.

  What will I do with my day?

  First things first, I need to plug in my phone. With my bag in hand, I walk into my room and lay across my bed inserting the cord in the bottom of my phone. Patiently, I wait for it to turn on and watch as three messages come through, all from this morning.

  Aaron: Leaving town for the night. Possibly weekend.

  Becka: Guessing things went well when I didn’t see you this morning ;)

  Dave: Hope to see you tonight.

  I focus my attention on Aaron’s text first, wondering where in the world he is heading. This must be a last minute trip, since he didn’t mention it yesterday when we talked.

  Where are you?

  Aaron: Meeting w/ Martha

  You went all the way back to Redwood?!

  Aaron: No. I only agreed to halfway. May end up back tonight.

  Good luck. If you need me, call.

  Aaron: Thanks.

  My heart goes out to Aaron. I can’t imagine being in his shoes right now, unaware of what has been going on with Martha. From what I understand, things aren’t looking good at all. Martha has been a part of my life for as long as Sawyer, but Aaron is family, and if she has been running around on him then I really hope he walks away. I hate to see him hurt, but I also know he wouldn’t be able to fully trust her ever again. Whatever may come of it, I just want him to be happy.

  Going back to my messages, I send a reply to Becka, already knowing the answer to my question I am about to ask.

  What are you doing tonight?

  Becka: Secret.

  Bitch!

  Becka: ;)

  As much as I really want to know what she is up to, I can’t help but enjoy our new running joke. She told me to give her time and I will.

  I decide to not respond to Dave right away, but instead pull up my contacts and unblock Sam’s number. I’ll admit that maybe I was being just a little bit dramatic when I blocked him in the first place. Though if I hadn’t, I knew that it wouldn’t have been long before I gave in and responded.

  It was hard enough just from the few texts I read before blocking him. His heartfelt apologies tore through me. With the way I was treating the situation, I don’t even deserve the kindness he showed me last night. He should have left my ass right there on the dirty bar floor.

  Opening up a new message I contemplate what to send. Do I want to be serious? Or maybe send something funny to break the ice.

  It was good to see you. Glad things weren’t awkward.

  I hit send and instantly regret it. That message was lame. Could I really not come up with something better? Why don’t phones have un-send buttons that you can hit and it just erase it from the receiver?

  “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” I repeat while hitting myself in the forehead with my phone before it vibrates in my hand and beeps with a new text.

  Sam: We still have a lot to discuss. Many things were left unsaid.

  My heart starts beating faster just from a simple text. This is one of the things I don’t like. Knowing someone has that much influence of my emotions that a little text can get my palms sweating.

  You’re right.

  Sam: I’m done with class. Meet me somewhere?

  We needed to get this sorted, but I think this conversation still needs to be done in private. I don’t need an audience to my madness. I could just invite him to my apartment, but then again, having somewhere this private might lead things in a different direction.

  Okay how about the park by your apartment? Give me twenty.

  Sam: I will be waiting.

  Quickly, I jump in the shower and scrub my body before washing my hair. Recalling Sam’s words from last night, lying in bed, I throw some mousse in my hair scrunching up the curls.

  I’ll give him wild hair.

  I keep it simple with khaki shorts and my blue Sharks t-shirt I used to wear while working at the bookstore. Checking the time, I need to run, so I apply a quick coat of mascara before I grabbing my phone, and tossing my bag on my shoulder.

  I don’t have to look long when I reach the park before spotting Sam. Walking over to the wooden picnic table, I take a seat on top next to him. Neither one of us says a word at first, just taking in the scenery. There is a small group of guys in the field kicking around a soccer ball and a few people are running the trails. I am not a big fan of exercise, but there have been a few times over the years when I would come out here with my ear buds and walk around to clear my head.

  “It’s nice out here.” Sam says, breaking the silence.

  “As the weather starts to cool, more people take advantage of the park. The summer heat can be a bit much at times, but a lot of students enjoy the trails, which are shaded.”

  “I’ve been using the gym at my complex, but I always prefer the outdoors.”

  A memory pops into my head from when Sam first came to Redwood and I caught him running on the track one day after school. I was staying late, keeping Sawyer company while she waited for Austin to finish football practice. I am unsure how long I stood there staring at him before he noticed and walked over. It was embarrassing, but at least it got his attention. That was the start of my personal sport of watching Sam, whether he was running, stretching, or my personal favorite, pitching.

  “What are we doing Sam?” I ask coming back to reality.

  “What do you mean?” Sam replies.

  “I mean, how do you see this playing out now that you are here?”

  “Honestly, at this point, I don’t have the slightest clue. In a perfect world you would have realized that you couldn’t be without me anymore.” Leaning over, Sam bumps into my shoulder, but I just stare straight ahead, not sure if he is serious or not.

  “And in our world?”

  “I end up looking like an idiot.” The defeat I hear in his voice pulls my gaze to his.

  “Sam…”

  “Don’t.” He stops me, turning his focus down to his hands. “You’ve said it over and over. It’s not what you want. I guess I just haven’t been ready to give up.”

&nbs
p; Deep down it hurts to hear him say this, because secretly I don’t want him to ever give up. The thought alone causes a pain in my chest.

  Why do I have to be such a chicken shit?

  Yet, I know it’s the right thing. “As much as it pains me to say this, Sam, you know we can’t go back to how we were before.”

  Sam’s head snaps towards me and he holds my gaze before he shakes his head and looks away.

  “I agree. It will only make things harder. Can I ask something of you though?” Sam asks looking back at me.

  I nod my head slowly and bite the inside of my cheek, nervously.

  “I know you have your own life out here and you’re used to… well… can you just not do it in front of me?”

  Again, I only nod and hope that the same would go for him. Nothing sucked more in high school than seeing Sam with another girl. I would imagine he had it a lot worse when I review my track record.

  Since we are on the subject of other people I feel this is a good time to pose my impending question.

  “So, who’s the blonde?” I manage to ask.

  Sam turns to me looking genuinely shocked and confused.

  “I may have snooped and found a picture of you two.” I scrunch up my nose in shame.

  “Her name is Emma,” are the only words that come out of Sam’s mouth.

  “Emma.” I allow myself to say her name. Perfect name, for a perfect girl. I can’t even come up with a clever rhyming insult to go with it. “You guys make a cute couple. Are you still together?” I ask, even though I am not sure I am ready for the answer.

  Sam rubs his hands over his face, looking conflicted. “No, it didn’t work out.”

  “Not comfortable talking about it?” He seemed rather tight-lipped when it comes to Emma and I can’t help but wonder why.

  “Sorry, but no.”

  Well, now I want to know about this Emma even more, but if he isn’t willing to tell me anything I’m not sure how I will find out.

  “Alright, I get it.” Though really I don’t. Last night I never would have imagined there being another girl in the picture

  “I’m not trying to be a jerk. It’s just awkward to talk about with you.”

  “I’m sorry.” I say, not knowing what else there is to say.

  “It’s not your fault, Cheyenne.”

  Reaching across me, I slap Sam in the chest. “Stop being so nice.”

  We both laugh, breaking the tension, and Sam wraps his arm around my shoulders. Leaning into him, we sit in silence and watch the soccer game going on in front of us.

  This is nice. To an outsider, we look like a couple enjoying the great weather, but as an insider, I am slowly dying. As much as I long for this, I know I will never allow myself to have it.

  “So, how do we do this?” I ask.

  “I don’t know, but don’t change your life just because I am here. I want you to be happy. Do whatever makes you happy, Chey.”

  “And what about you?” I know he must be disappointed that I haven’t grown up.

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ve been hanging out with a couple guys from back home and already have a few new friends. I’ll be good. You won’t even know I am here.” He laughs but I can’t bring myself to join in, knowing that he is so far from the truth.

  How could I not know he is here?

  Tonight my plan is to drink away the last two days.

  I hate the feelings that are running through my body.

  I hate how weak I am beginning to feel.

  I hate needing to remind myself who Cheyenne Thomas really is.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Needing a distraction after my talk with Sam, I decided some retail therapy at the local shops and boutiques would help. I find that the more I try to process what is going on in my head, only results in causing more confusion. I hadn’t realized how much I missed Sam, until I saw him in Penny’s, but am now dealing with the complications of having him so close.

  After exhausting the spending limit I allowed myself, I figure it is time to head home and get ready for my night out with Sawyer. She had texted me after her last class letting me know she would pick up Chinese for dinner and meet me at the apartment. The only thing in my stomach is the pickle from earlier, so I was drooling at the thought of fried rice and egg rolls.

  Seeing my arms loaded with shopping bags as I came through the door, Sawyer doesn’t even question where I had been, or why I felt the need to indulge. I am not ready to dive into the Sam situation, especially when it is so fresh, so I appreciate her silence on the issue.

  I unload my recent purchases, putting everything away except the outfit I picked out for the evening. Our nights in Avalon have finally started to cool off, so I decided on my black leggings with the dark grey sweater dress I picked up this afternoon. The material is so soft and almost like cashmere. I fell in love instantly and had to have it. However, the outfit would not be complete without the black booties, also purchased today, sporting four-inch heels.

  While I was out, I also stopped in at my favorite salon for a quick trim and style. In the mood for a change, I asked for a full bang, but my usual stylist suggested something a little less drastic. Instead, she shortened my long side bang so it fell close to eyebrow level, giving the effect of a full bang, but still having the ability to style it how I normally would. After blowing out the curls, she added loose waves with a big iron, leaving me with lots of volume.

  And I loved it!

  Over dinner, Sawyer told me she loved the new look and also informed me that she had talked to her sister finally. Martha had yet to come clean about what was really going on, insisting it all some big misunderstanding. Sawyer is taking her word for it, for now, but I am not sold on the idea. I want to wait to hear from Aaron and how their weekend went before I make a judgment on the matter.

  Sawyer didn’t need to do much in order to get ready. She changed into her navy, long-sleeved v-neck henley and skinny jeans, paired with none other than her cowboy boots.

  Of course she did.

  Since, I already had my hair styled all I needed to do was freshen up my make-up and throw on my outfit. Spending a little extra time on my eyes wanting to make sure they stand out, I apply one last coat of mascara and admire the finished product.

  “Not too bad, if I do say so myself.” I smile into the mirror and meet Sawyer in the kitchen for our customary shots.

  “Damn, hot mama! Looking good!” Sawyer whistles from across the kitchen. “Is Cheyenne out on the prowl tonight?”

  “Sometimes a girl just wants to feel pretty.” I deadpan, holding back my smile.

  “I am calling bull shit on that one, friend. You look like a girl on a mission.”

  “Well there is that too.” I take the glass Sawyer has passed my way. “Here’s to old habits dying hard.”

  Sawyer gives me a questioning look, but still taps her glass with mine and we down the liquid.

  We arrive at Penny’s taking two open seats at the bar. It doesn’t take long for Sawyer to begin making bedroom eyes at Preston who is making our first round.

  Yuck.

  These two make me sick. Well, not really, I love them.

  “Here you go ladies.” Preston says before bending over the bar in order to meet Sawyer’s waiting lips.

  “Thanks Romeo.” I laugh using the nickname Preston earned the night Becka and I walked in on him and Sawyer getting hot and heavy on our living room couch.

  “Shots?” Preston asks, looking back and forth between Sawyer and I.

  Before I can answer a glass is set down in front of me. “I got this one boss.”

  I hadn’t even seen Chad when we first walked in.

  “Alright, so I have gone from a panty dropper to a wet pussy, what’s next?” I question the bluish mixture.

  “This is one of my specialties.” Chad leans over the bar, bringing himself closer to me. “A slow fuck.” After a kiss on my cheek he pulls back and winks at me.

  Little charmer.
r />   With the glass to my lips, ready to drink the shot, someone beside me says, “Where do I sign up for one of those?”

  Looking to my left, I take in the cute brunette with her eyes set on Chad.

  Glancing at him, I can see his interest. “Don’t let me hold you up, handsome.”

  His attention is quickly averted to the brunette. I laugh and take the shot before turning back to my right only to witness my best friend practically making out with her boyfriend.

  “Ugh. Get a room. You two make me want to vomit. Tone it down would you?”

  With great effort, I am sure, Preston pulls himself away from Sawyer. “I see you and Chad are still playing games.”

  I simply shrug in response, sipping my vodka cranberry.

  Preston shakes his head laughing while walking away to help his other patrons.

  “I have to say, I am quite impressed that you have kept it in your pants, or rather out, this long.” Part of me wants to be insulted by Sawyer’s comment, but then I think.. nah, she’s right!

  “Yeah, me too. But Chad seems like a nice guy and I would hate for him to fall victim to my ways. As hot as he may be, I respect the man too much to put him through that.” I shrug, being as serious as I can.

  “Chey, you are such an ass.” Sawyer laughs, breaking my moment of seriousness and I begin laughing along with her.

  “Hey, we all know who puts the ass in classy. Don’t forget it.” We continue our laughter and when I am able to finally take a breather, I sucked down the rest of my drink.

  “Dang! In a hurry tonight?” Sawyer looks at my now empty glass and back to her, still, half full beer.

  “Something like that.” I have a certain pair of emerald eyes I need to put in the back of my mind and as if on cue, Chad looks my way and I wave him over.

  “I am at your service, lovely lady.” Eyeing my empty glass, Chad grabs it and makes a new one.

  “I want to get trashed tonight Chad. Do your worst.”

  “Are you sure that is wise, Chey?” Sawyer asks with concern.

  “Who wants to be wise?” I ask Sawyer before turning my attention back to Chad. “I have problems I want to drink away.”

  Looking as if a light bulb just turned on, Chad grins like the Cheshire cat and I am instantly nervous. “I have the perfect shot coming up, but you can’t watch me mix it.”