Foolin'

by Allyson Young

After stacking things inside, he said, “This thing going to make it to the city? You should take the truck.”

  “It’ll get me there.” If she had to push it all the way. Despite the repairs, the vehicle had made some ominous sounds. Carter would be pissed if he knew.

  “Merry will want to see you.”

  She closed her eyes. She liked Merry so much. She liked Deke too. And the kids. And… “If she’s in the city, have her let me know. We’ll connect.”

  “She might have the kids with her.”

  “You know I do fine with the boys, Deke. I won’t mess with their heads.”

  “But you won’t say goodbye.”

  Another invisible blow. She was so close to crumbling. “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to stay and confront Carter. Give him the chance to make this right. He’s misstepped, I grant you that, but he hasn’t been without his struggles. He just needed more time. You two together are an inspiration.”

  He made a convincing argument, and it was scary that he knew exactly where his brother had misstepped. But she hurt where it counted, and she couldn’t face Carter with her revelations. Was she supposed to confront Carter and somehow make him love her?

  Deke blanched and his eyes widened. Had she said that out loud?

  She shut the door on Deke’s protests and ground the engine over. He watched her back out, lifting a hand as she pulled a wide turn and slowly headed up the drive. A quick look in the rearview mirror caught the house perfectly framed, and her throat closed.

  It’d been her home. As houses do, with love and care, it had taken on a life of its own. She wouldn’t see the perennials she’d planted spread and flourish, or be able to come up with innovative ways to keep the critters out of the garden. All the root vegetables would rot unless Carter managed to hire someone in time to dig and store them.

  Deke was shouting something as his fingers flew over his phone. His words permeated to her ears. “He’ll fix this!”

  She managed not to close her eyes against the hope those few words elicited, resolutely staring forward. A hundred other thoughts skittered through her mind as she navigated her way to the interstate, babying the vehicle. The trip would take an additional twenty minutes, extra time to second-guess and torment herself.

  But she wouldn’t think about leaving Carter behind. Her heart cracked and bled.

  It struck her, as important thoughts often did, thoughts a person might not even be aware of, tucked away in the back of the mind—until they weren’t. Maybe packing up the bathroom triggered it. The pending chicks. The puppy. Or maybe the drama with Deke.

  When was the last time she had a period? No. That wouldn’t be fair.

  Everything else shrank down to being insignificant. She wracked her brain for times and dates. She’d been faithful with taking the Pill. So, if so, how?

  The recollection of a brief but vicious stomach flu a short while ago surfaced, and she wondered if she’d thrown up the dose, maybe more than once. It was all she could think of, unless her jumbled mind simply wouldn’t compute.

  Waffling between terror and an unfurling delight, she swung into a pharmacy located in a strip mall on the outskirts of the city and bought a test, then another. And then she headed to the small bungalow. It was home, and she’d make it so.

  She was glad the girls weren’t home, wanting privacy to use the tests.

  A while later, she was in her room, wrestling with the news, staring at nothing in particular, feeling wretched. She hadn’t even unpacked, her stuff stacked in a corner. Her body was tired, her mind racing at full speed.

  She’d turned her phone off—Deke would have been in touch with Carter, and she had no desire or will to hear his voice or see his words. Or the courage.

  “Mom?” Lisa called out as soon as she stepped inside the front door, slamming it behind her.

  “In the den.” The small space was already getting old, but she couldn’t make herself sit out in the living room, surrounded by the detritus of youth.

  “You’re back. Saw the Jeep.” Her daughter leaned on the doorframe, clad in the black and white professional outfit her part-time job demanded.

  “Got in a little while ago. And you’ll have to rely on other transportation. The Jeep needs more work.”

  “No problem.” She grimaced. “Carter wouldn’t be happy. He went out of his way to make sure the vehicle was safe.”

  “He did.”

  “Are you sure you made the right decision?”

  She ground the heels of her hands into her eye sockets. “Yes. No.”

  “What if you stayed?”

  “Then I’d have told him what I was feeling and probably forced the genie out of the bottle. Because it seems to me all the dots are connected.”

  “And you think he’d … react?”

  “I couldn’t risk it.” Now her kid would know what cowardice looked like.

  “I get it. I’d have done the same thing. And I’m pissed at him. Guys never dig deep enough.”

  “Lisa?” Who, exactly, was her daughter pissed at?

  “Just an observation, Mom. I’m off to bed. No Jeep means an early bus.” She bounced into the room and hugged her hard. “Mallory and Nola won’t be home tonight, so you won’t be disturbed.”

  She hugged her kid back. “Love you.”

  Lisa wasn’t ready to talk, might be willing later, and Kathleen left it. It occurred that the lines were blurring, that she needn’t hang onto her maternal role so tightly. Friendship was more in order.

  Time enough tomorrow to send off her resumes. To unpack. Busywork. The events of the day finally stilled her mind, exhaustion pressing her down. She spared a fleeting thought for the puppy and a few about Merry and her family as she climbed into bed.

  Chapter Fourteen

  He left the rental car parked haphazardly, drifted in nearly sideways to the mudroom door. He hadn’t even checked out of the hotel after seeing that text on his phone.

  Deke’s text and their subsequent phone calls had spurred him home, cutting his buying trip short, leaving the paperwork on the new bull unfiled.

  Fuck that. There were a lot of bulls out there and only one Kathleen. Kate.

  His brother had also read him her note, and he’d spent the plane ride flagellating himself, sorting out the circumstances. Maybe he’d have come to the realization as to how much he’d held back from Kate without her actions. Or maybe he’d have deprived them both of a deeper relationship forever.

  He’d been forced to take a flight to a neighboring city, the quickest way home, the ranch on his route. It was late, and he’d hit Kate’s house in the small hours of the morning, but he wasn’t letting things drag out. Not giving her space. Not when Deke had described the look on her face. Not when she wouldn’t answer her damn phone.

  The detour was to snag Kate’s birthday gift, every flower shop between here and her closed. He was desperately afraid he wasn’t going to be enough, though he’d have another four hours to rehearse what he needed to say. What he hoped she needed to hear. Maybe he’d buy some time with her gift, ease the way.

  He snorted. Like Kate was impressed by things.

  As he pushed his way into the mudroom, the smell hit him first, followed by a high-pitched bark. “What the hell?”

  He snapped the light on, his right foot resting in a damp pile of newspapers, just short of an unsavory pile of crap. A little muzzle tipped up at him from the depths of a circular, blue dog bed, bright eyes blinking curiously.

  “Jasper?” He caught himself. “Who are you, fella?”

  “Boss?” Josh’s familiar voice spoke behind him. “Didn’t expect you tonight. I was just debating whether I should bring the little guy to the bunkhouse. In case he was lonely.”

  “I’m back early.” He responded automatically, his gaze on the pup.

  “I see you met Bob.”

  “Bob?”

  “Well, he’s yours. You can call him what you like. Miss Kate got him for you.”<
br />
  It was like a punch in the gut. And he’d been fighting a total commitment to this amazing woman. Having the blinders ripped off was staggering but about fucking time.

  “Is there a box or something for him?”

  Josh frowned. “Like to put him in? You don’t want him? I’ll clean up—don’t worry.”

  “I want to take him with me. I’m going to see Kate.”

  If his youngest hired hand thought his boss was crazy to take a puppy on a midnight trip to the city, he didn’t comment. “There’s a crate in the pen. The one Miss Kate built for the ducks.”

  He should probably be better at following the conversation but frankly didn’t care. “I have to get something from upstairs. Pack Bob up.”

  “I’ll put some of his food in, too. And some newspapers.”

  Right. A long drive with a puppy not yet housebroken. Not a great plan, but he wasn’t leaving him. “Do that.”

  He tugged his boots off, taking care with the fragrant one, and hustled upstairs. In the back of his closet, from the chest Kate respected as his private domain, he pulled out the big box he’d stored there after his last buying trip.

  His fingers brushed against the picture frame lying flat in the bottom of the chest, and he carefully removed it, sitting back on his haunches. Justin’s cherubic face smiled up at him, pale-blue eyes dancing, frozen in time. He set the picture inside the box.

  Taking the stairs two at a time, he met Josh at the back door. “The crate’s in the back seat,” the young man said. “I put a newspaper under it. Too bad you don’t have your truck.”

  It was at the other airport, near Kate’s. He’d turn the car in there and pick up his truck, hopefully with her coming along. Coming back home.

  “Thanks. Tell Dick to carry on.”

  “Will do. When’ll you be back?”

  “Dunno.”

  He climbed into the driver’s seat, setting the box on the seat beside him, and powered the car on. Josh gaped at him as he drove away. There was a little more grist for the gossip mill, like that was important.

  Turned out he didn’t need to think things through much more. He’d just tell her from his heart. Instead, he conversed with the puppy—who wasn’t ending up with a moniker like Bob. Maybe Kate would like to name him. Or Lisa. Apparently, he had some amends to make in that quarter, too.

  The little guy occasionally barked from the back seat and muttered in a language he didn’t recognize, but for all of that, he figured the puppy understood.

  Nervous energy kept him sharp, and he shaved off a few minutes, pulling into Kate’s driveway. The little house was shrouded in darkness with the exception of some solar lighting in a flower bed.

  Quietly, he lifted out the crate and set it on the grass. The pup scratched at the metal door, and he opened it a crack to let the little guy out. He promptly relieved himself, tail wagging when Carter praised him.

  Tucking the animal under his arm, he reached into the car to find the little bag of dog chow and then grabbed the box. He nudged the doors shut with his hip and strode up the walk to the entrance of Kate’s house. He leaned on the doorbell with his elbow, the chimes echoing audibly inside.

  ****

  She’d slept heavily for the first while, worn out emotionally and physically, and then woke, tired but with her head churning. Just about to give up and go make some tea, the insistent sound of the doorbell brought her to a sitting position.

  Her heart raced, but not from fear. Who else would be on her doorstep in the middle of the night? Had she really thought Carter would simply leave things be?

  Then she panicked. She didn’t want the confrontation, couldn’t stand to see him stripped bare. Fearful she couldn’t put him back together if his strength flagged. But if things went sour, at least she’d already left and would spare them both that drawn-out process.

  She grabbed her robe and struggled to put it on as she made her way to the door. Lisa joined her, hair streaming and her face creased. Kathleen figured she looked even more disheveled. Her glow was probably weather-beaten, and it felt like everything drooped, from her hair to her spirit.

  “Is that who I think it is?”

  Kathleen took a peek through the spyhole. “It’s him.” She opened the door.

  He stepped inside, shrinking the space. Her cowboy. His face was drawn, sensuous lips set, and he stared at her with a mixture of desperation and need. Locked in his stare, she fought the tears that instantly welled.

  A tiny whimper and a wriggling body broke the moment, and she started. Didn’t he want the puppy? Was he making some kind of gesture? A tear escaped and wandered down her cheek. Carter made a frantic sound in his throat and moved toward her, juggling a box and the dog.

  “It’s about time.” Lisa cut between them and scooped the puppy out of Carter’s arms. “And who’s this? You cutie. C’mere. Let’s get acquainted while these two get their shit sorted.”

  Kathleen found her voice. “Lisa.”

  With a magnificent eye roll, her daughter grabbed the baggie of nuggets and flounced off with the pup.

  “Please don’t cry,” Carter nearly begged.

  “I’m not.” She sniffed for emphasis.

  He moved into her space and wrapped his arms around her. She melted into his embrace, even knowing she should keep her distance. “Why are you here?” she whispered.

  Pulling back, but holding her close, he said, “You weren’t at home.”

  “I couldn’t…”

  “We need to talk.”

  “In here.” She shuffled out of his hold and toward the den. When they were both inside, she shut the door.

  The rumpled pullout took up most of the room, and she took a seat near the head. Carter sank down at the end, and an awkward silence reigned.

  He shuffled the box in his hand, the one with the edges that had dug into her side when he’d hugged her. “Uh, here.”

  She took the oblong carton, much heavier than it appeared. “Carter?”

  “I couldn’t get you flowers.”

  “Okay…”

  “To apologize. Well, a precursor to an apology.”

  He’d always been fairly eloquent, but she could see he was searching for words. She drifted a hand over the cardboard.

  “Your birthday’s coming up. And you don’t have—”

  Her sharp intake of breath quieted him. He grimaced. “You should open it.”

  She didn’t want to open it. If she did, everything would come spilling out. But he looked so hopeful, she eased the lid off—and froze.

  “He’s beautiful.”

  “He was a cute kid,” he agreed. “I lost a part of myself that day.”

  “Of course you did.” Her hands trembled, and she longed to soothe him but sensed he needed to talk and her touch would make him crumble. “But he’s forever in your heart.”

  “I know, but I haven’t nurtured it. I locked it down.” He passed a hand over his face. “If I let myself think about him, or be a part of anything that reminded me, the other stuff overwhelmed it.”

  She held her tongue and listened, Justin’s picture making it so real. Carter had denied himself so much in repressing all the memories.

  “Carolynn and I married too young. I was careless and knocked her up, did the right thing by marrying her. What my family—and hers—expected. Lots of couples got together that way and made it work. Justin should have been the glue that bonded us, but Carolynn…” He shook his head. “She was no way ready to settle down, hated living on the ranch, figured we’d move to the city.”

  She and Samuel had married for the same reason—she didn’t remind Carter of that. Their short marriage had been totally different from what he was describing. But she had no way of predicting what their future might have held had he lived.

  He continued, his tone resigned, “She probably started running around on me right after Justin was born. My mom said it was kind of a postnatal thing—I dunno. My dad had died, and I was too busy to pay her much
attention. I hardly saw my boy, and when he got older, I laid down the law. Told her she’d better mother him, seeing as she didn’t have to lift a hand for anything else, what with my mom doing it all, and her grieving my dad.”

  “And did she?”

  “She took him places. Turns out she was visiting individuals of the male persuasion, exposing my son to… It doesn’t bear thinking about. And the day he died—she’d been drinking and drove under the influence. She didn’t secure him in his car seat.” He stared at her, his features tortured. “I wasn’t there for my son.”

  Setting the box aside, she closed the distance and enveloped him in her arms. He leaned into her and shuddered, releasing hard emotions in that way men did when they’d forgotten how to cry. She said nothing, merely held him. There was nothing to say. She could only be there and take some of his pain.

  He eventually muttered, “She didn’t get a scratch. It never seemed to sink in what she’d done. And yet when the sheriff finished his investigation, she packed up and left, getting ahead of it. I hired a PI who found her halfway across the country, shacked up with some guy, drinking like there was no tomorrow. I divorced her and moved on. So I thought.”

  At length, he squared his shoulders and lifted his head. Looking in her eyes, he said, “I cut myself off—until you. I won’t say I didn’t resist, Kate. I did. I figured I could have it all without … opening my heart to you, I guess you’d say. But I let you in. And I’m so fucking glad I did—’cept I dropped the ball, didn’t I? I never said. Probably because I needed a kick in the ass to recognize it.”

  She cried, helpless in the face of the emotion that gripped her. Grief for the loss of a child. Grief for the family who lost a patriarch and saw a young marriage fall apart. Sadness for a too-young mother who probably harbored an addiction no one knew about. And grief for the man Samuel never got to be.

  “Jesus, darlin’. Don’t cry. I can’t fix crying.” He cuddled her and stroked her hair.

  “It’s such a lot,” she hiccupped.

  “I’ve been poking at it, thinking it through for hours. The lady beside me on the plane asked to move to another seat.” He sighed. “Tore my guts out and high time, too.”