A Monster's Love

by Randy Tiergan

  The next day, the first class began early in the morning. I saved a seat beside me for Liam. I didn’t think of anything else, really. I just thought that that would be what friends would do for each other. But Liam didn’t show up. The seat I saved remained empty until the class ended. A few classmates of ours asked where he was out of concern. I felt awkward already for not being able to answer them.

  The next class started after an hour break. This time, when I got into the classroom, Liam was there, sitting in a corner by himself. The seat beside him was empty. I thought he’d saved it for me, so I went over and sat beside him.

  “Hi,” I greeted.

  Without a reply, Liam stood up, walked over to the other side of the classroom, and sat there. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. But I didn’t want to push it. Maybe he needed some time. I remained in the same seat for the entire class.

  None of what the lecturer said entered my head. I was busy looking at Liam. The longer I looked at him, the more impatient, sad, and angry I got. How could he so easily forget a friend like that? How could he pretend like I’d never existed? He acted so care-free, like he enjoyed being alone. He even smiled as he wrote down notes. He even talked to the other classmates like nothing had ever happened between us.

  I got pissed and went out of the classroom. Why was I so affected by this? He wasn’t worth it. But again, who was I lying to? He had no one to move on from. I was the one who should be moving on.

  I found Olivia by the tennis court on my way home. She hadn’t started practicing yet. She was digging into her sports bag on a bench. I didn’t greet her. I figured she would be mad at me too like Nathalie, so I just passed by her without saying anything.

  “Eth!” Olivia called out to my surprise. She jogged over to me.

  I turned around and acted like I’d just noticed her. “Hi, Oli.”

  “You okay?” Olivia asked.

  “Still alive,” I sighed. “How’s Nat?”

  Olivia nodded. “She’s still her usual self.”

  Great. Everyone was still their usual self without me. “Tell her that I say hi,” I said and turned to walk away.

  “Wait, Eth!” Olivia stopped me, grabbing my wrist.

  I turned around again to face her.

  “Are you crying?”

  “No,” I answered. “My eyes just decided to take a bath.”

  “Eth, I want you to know that I’m rooting for you, okay? Go for Liam if you want. Don’t care what other people say about you. If you want your future, your happiness, your husband, you gotta work for it!”

  I didn’t know what reaction to give. I was trying to forget Liam and now Olivia was encouraging me to go for it? I shook my head. “He’s straight, Oli, but thanks.”

  “Are you sure, though?” Olivia frowned. And how would I be unsure? Liam and Joanna kissed in front of everyone at the party. “Well, I’m sure there are other good guys too, Eth, go for it!” She did a fist-pump. “I’ll be rooting for you.”

  This was not the Olivia I knew. “What’s with you?”

  Olivia, who was still holding my wrist, began to swing my arm left and right. “I’m actually a fan of boys’ love,” she said and smiled shyly.

  I laughed and gave her a hug. “Thanks, Oli.”

  I got home and rested on my bed. I planned to take a nap but suddenly I thought of what Olivia had just told me. Well, I’m sure there are other good guys too. An idea came to mind. The best way to try to forget Liam was to get another guy. I quickly changed and hit the gym, hoping to find new potentials.

  When I got to the gym, I immediately regretted that decision. I found Liam there. I hurriedly hid behind the entrance before I even entered. How could he be in there and in the middle of a workout? I looked at my phone for the time. He should have just finished his class right now. Did he leave the classroom right after me or what?

  I went back home and decided to watch TV instead. To pass time.

  The next day was the same. Liam was avoiding me. And I avoided him too. I thought that would be the best for us. He was right. We shouldn’t meet anymore. It was too painful. Too hard to bear.

  But it would be impossible to not meet at all. Both of us had all our subjects at the same time this semester, just like every semester, and it was so hard to pretend that he wasn’t there in class.

  I started to feel better on the third day that we sat separately in class. He had his group of new friends while I tried to mingle with a new friend who seemed to be almost as introverted as I was.

  Liam and I both hung out separately during break and lunchtime. Immediately I thought of our fun times together, stealing each other’s food from each other’s plate and stuffing each other’s mouth with food we each didn’t like, food like pumpkins and bitter gourds.

  “So, tell me. What happened between you and Liam?” Eddy, my new friend, asked.

  I realized I was staring in Liam’s direction, where he sat with his new friends at a table across the cafeteria. “No. Nothing happened.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “Is this because you’re gay?”

  “What?” I blinked twice. Did I hear something wrong? I was sure I’d never told a single soul in school. Nathalie and the rest were the first ones.

  “Nothing to be ashamed of,” Eddy said, eating his food. “It’s legal in this country anyway. Don’t have to care what anybody says about you.”

  “No, I don’t care about that,” I said. “What I do care is, how did you know?”

  “Yeah, well…” Eddy said. “Pretty obvious to me. I mean, clearly something happened between you and Liam. And you have been staring at him the entire lunch. Like the silence between you two in class isn’t odd enough… It is very hard not to notice, you know, well… at least for me… the way you’ve been staring at him. It is not hard to guess if you two were in some kind relationship. Or if you want to be in some kind of relationship. I have seen that look before, you know. Speaking from my own personal experience. But… not that I want to meddle in your business but—hey!”

  I was already gone. I lost my appetite right away and left him with my half-eaten food. Was I really that obvious? Wasn’t there anything else better to talk about? I mean, WTF. I made friends with him, thinking that he was an introvert. He was so quiet in class. Why did he even start talking about me?

  On my way back home, I entered an old-school bar near Swan Hills. It wasn’t my first time here. I’d always come here with my friends whenever we felt like having a little drink to celebrate or just gather. The prices here were reasonable and there was also the student special. I’d never drank alcohol here, though. I always ordered orange juice and only came here for the dart games. The dart games that this bar had weren’t electronic, which was what I loved about it. It wouldn’t cost shit. Anyone could just enjoy it.

  I loved playing darts. I’d been playing since I was a kid. I even had a dartboard set up at home in Levigard, where my grandma lived. I threw the darts one after another. Fuck. They all missed the bullseye. I tried at least thirty times. Not even once did I hit the center.

  The bartender recognized me when I sat at the bar. Fed up. “What’s wrong with you? You usually never missed,” he said.

  I didn’t want to explain. I wasn’t in the mood to chat. I just walked out of the bar.

  That night, I felt like swimming. I needed something to let off the steam, and I didn't want to go to the gym only to find Liam there again. After finishing dinner with Samuel at home—which felt like I was eating alone because he’d only focused on his laptop for his final year project the whole time—I went down to the apartment’s swimming pool.

  I hesitated only when I was about to jump into the pool. I’d totally forgotten that Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday were nights Liam and I would always swim together in this pool. Today was Wednesday, which meant he would be swimming too. How could I have only thought that I would risk bumping into him at the gym but not at the pool? I was stupid.

  There was no one
at the pool, though. That was normal. No one would swim this late, when the water was all cold, except for Liam and me. We usually swam at this hour because one, we could have all the space we wanted in the pool, and second, no one would disturb our laps, making the most of our workout.

  I sat by the pool, still thinking if I should swim. I could see my own reflection at the pool’s water and could immediately see myself playing with Liam again in these waters. I remembered how he used to tug my neck, trying to drown me, and how I would do the same to him. We even tried to get on top of each other just so that one of us could relax on top of another, showing superiority. Again, those were really, really good memories. As much as I didn’t want to see him, I missed him. Really, we didn’t have to be lovers. All I wanted now was just him as my brother. Just like how we were before. But how? What must I do to make him talk to me again?

  Did knowing the truth really bother him that much? Did knowing who I really am make me a monster to him?

  And why was I waiting? What was I even hesitating for? Of course if I remembered, no doubt he would too, and given that he’d made so much effort to avoid me, he wouldn’t come anyway. This was dumb. Why was I even waiting for him in the first place? I should just get into the pool and just swim, just like how I’d planned. Right before I slid myself into the pool, someone stopped me.

  “You’re gonna start swimming without me?” a familiar voice, the one that I’d been dying to hear, said. It wasn’t a mistake. It was his voice. Liam’s voice.

  I turned my head towards the direction where the voice came from. It was really him. Liam was here. Without his shirt and pants. He was only in his swimming briefs. He stopped a few feet away from me.

  3

  Monster or Angel

  (Liam)

  E than stared at me from head to toe. He didn’t blink even once as he ate me up with his eyes. I immediately felt a little regret coming here without clothes. Fuck you, Ethan. I said in my head. Don’t make me regret coming here. I even have to hide it from Joanna just to see you.

  But I was already here. I had already decided. He was my best friend and would always be. He had done nothing wrong to me and he didn’t deserve such treatment. I took a deep breath and tried to bring forth my courage. I continued to walk forward. Slowly, cautiously, and carefully, without removing my eyes from him, I sat down. But it was only after I made sure that there were at least a few inches of space between us.

  Ethan was handsome, sure, and many of our girl classmates had called him cute, too. Many of our acquaintances in school, no matter the gender, had tried to approach him just to be friends, but they found him very hard to approach.

  But Ethan wasn’t just handsome and cute. He was also hot in the eyes of many. Even hotter than me, according to the new friends I made earlier. His body, even without the help of good lighting, was ripped. His perfect abs were so prominent, especially when he sat by the edge of the pool like that, his abs sticking out. My body might be close, but somehow Ethan’s body was always ahead of mine. We’d started working out the same time together, but he always had the quicker physique improvement. But that was because he deserved it. Unlike me, he never slacked. Sometimes, I didn’t follow a clean diet and I played around during workout, especially when I was with Joanna.

  I put my legs into the water like him. The water felt cold at first but quickly turned warm as my heart raced the longer I looked at him.

  “Hi, Eth,” I greeted. I figured I should be the one greeting first since I was the one avoiding him all the while.

  “Why did you come?” Ethan asked straightaway without greeting me back. He looked away, acting like he was damn pissed to see me.

  It seemed rude. But I cracked a little smile. Because this was him. He was always like that, the difficult type. Which was why many found it hard to be his friend. He was hard to read. But once you got the meaning behind his words and actions, he was actually a fun person to be with.

  “I…” I didn’t know how to start.

  “Go away, Liam,” Ethan said. I knew it was a lie. He wouldn’t want that. He had been trying to approach me. He had been looking at me all the time in school when I was avoiding him. He had been hoping to get me back.

  “Do you really want me to go away?” I asked.

  Ethan didn’t reply at first. He stared into the water awhile like he was thinking if he should talk to me. I waited for him. It made sense if he got mad. He had every right to. Finally, he turned his head to face me. “What do you want?”

  Before he said anything else, I thought this was my chance to apologize for being such an asshole. I really regretted saying the things I’d said to him in front of my house in Westville. I knew he had no transport back then and he probably had run all the way from his house, in the rain, all just so that he could come and apologize to me. I could feel his sincerity. Unlike what Joanna had suspected, I also knew that he never did anything to me. I chose to trust him.

  It was a long story. After I insisted and sent Ethan back to his room when he was super drunk after the party, Joanna had given me a lecture on our way to my house in Westville.

  “Babe, I think you should stop being friends with Ethan.” That night, Joanna was behind the wheel. It was her car.

  “Why? You believed him?” I had asked. “He’s drunk. You can see it. Maybe he thought that I’m another girl or something.”

  Joanna sighed. “When he admitted, babe, it’s pretty obvious already, isn’t it? Look, he is always by your side. He is always willing to help you without any complaints. He has always been waiting for you, before class, after class, gym... And earlier, he cooked for you instead of the birthday girl, his best friend.”

  “I think you’re just overthinking,” I argued. “Everyone cooked Nathalie food. She would have too much if Eth cooked for her too. That’s why he saved some for us.”

  “For you,” Joanna corrected. “How do you explain the pictures he had on his phone then?”

  “What pictures? How do you know what’s on his phone?”

  Joanna actually snorted. “While you were helping him to get into bed just now, I saw his phone on the table. It was passcode locked. I typed your birth date and could immediately access it. Out of the thousand five hundred plus photos he had in his phone, more than a thousand alone are yours.”

  “You’re just exaggerating,” I said. “Wait, did you just invade my best friend’s privacy?” I couldn’t believe what she had done. That had been plain rude.

  Joanna sighed and put her hand on my shoulder. “Sorry, babe. I’m just concerned about your safety. You told me you guys sleep together sometimes, right? Especially when you were drunk, and he... he takes care of you... In his apartment. In his room. What if... What if my babe was a gay rape victim?” she gasped. “What if you were… you were pene-penat—penetrated?”

  I got goosebumps at that time. I also remembered how Ethan had tried to kiss me again and again at the party. When he did, I didn’t know how to react. It didn’t feel like an intrusion. It only felt a little awkward. After all, he was just drunk, wasn’t he? But now that Joanna had mentioned it, I had pictured what she had suggested happening. I was wasted on Ethan’s bed, drunk and unable to move, and… and… penetrated. I shivered. I had known he wouldn’t have done that, but there was no denying that the possibility was there. What if it really happened? “Okay, okay, stop, babe! I get it...”

  “Good, babe.” Joanna kissed me on the cheek.

  “What should I do then?” I had asked her. “I will still see him in the apartment and class.”

  “Move out. You can come to my place. My landlord doesn’t care which gender rents her place and we still have an empty room there. Just pretend that he isn’t in your class,” Joanna had suggested promptly, like she had it all thought out for me already. So thoughtful of her. “Or just pretend that he isn’t your friend anymore, that’s it.”

  But to pretend Ethan wasn’t my friend anymore was the hardest thing to do. How could I easily fo
rget someone who was always by my side, even more than Joanna, for five years, just like that? Ethan had been my partner in crime for almost everything: studies, assignments, part-time jobs, gym, swimming, games, and practically anything else. He was there when I was sad, when I was angry, when I was happy and when I was nervous or afraid. Without him, part of me was like... gone. I hadn’t been myself since.

  “I’m sorry, Eth,” I finally said.

  Ethan stared back at the water angrily when I didn’t answer his question.

  “I take back what I said that day,” I continued. “I was being dumb. I was being irrational. I was stupid. You’ve been a good friend, and the first thing I chose to do was just avoid you and not trust you.”

  Ethan took a deep breath. He turned his head to look at me again. After a few seconds, his eyes moved down from mine to the space between us. He sighed and looked back into the pool. “Go back to Joanna, Liam. Don’t make her worry.”

  His words stung. It was as if he knew Joanna was the one who had convinced me to avoid him. I could be overthinking, but what I knew was that what he said wasn’t what he really wanted. I could tell from his face that he was damn glad I showed up the moment he saw me just now. It was the space, wasn’t it? I was still an asshole. I was a hypocrite. I said I wouldn’t mind, yet I still distanced myself from him. No. This had nothing to do with Joanna. It was me. If I wanted us to get back to where we were before, then I should act like how we were before. I moved over to him and put my arm around his shoulders. I pulled him towards me, squeezing us together.

  It startled him a little, as if doing something I usually would do surprised him. “I’m sorry, Eth. Please don’t be mad at me...”

  Ethan didn’t say anything. He just slid into the pool and began swimming.

  He must be still mad. I must do something. I got down into the pool too and swam to him. The water was cold again and was colder than usual. It was probably because we didn’t warm ourselves up by rinsing ourselves at the showers first. But I didn’t care. My body could shiver all it wanted. The risk of catching cold was nothing compared to losing a friend like him. I swam as fast as I could to catch up with him.