Duncan noticed me. “Liam?”
Ethan turned around and saw me. “What are you doing here?”
“To see you, Eth,” I answered. “And to find out if you’re fucking avoiding me because of him!” I snarled, pointing at Duncan.
Ethan looked at Duncan for a second, like he was pretending to be confused. “It has nothing to do with him.”
“Then why did you block me, Eth?” I jerked my chin up once. “You’re afraid that I would find out, isn’t it? You’re afraid that I’ll fucking disturb both of you!”
“Watch your mouth, Liam.” Ethan jerked his chin up back at me. “I blocked you because it’s over between us.”
“What’s over between us? Why is it over between us?” Then, I looked at Duncan and gritted my teeth. “Is he bringing you home? Are you going home with him?”
“It’s our business, Liam. Not yours,” Ethan said.
I snapped. “Your business is mine, Eth!” I lunged forward but Duncan dodged out of the way easily as if he’d expected it coming.
“Stop!” Ethan pushed me. He did it so hard that I fell.
My butt hit the ground. I looked at him in disbelief. He fucking pushed me. “Because of him?” I said.
“Because of you!” Ethan shouted back. “We’re just friends! Nothing more! Don’t simply jump to conclusions, Liam!”
Duncan tapped Ethan on the shoulder twice. “Let me talk to him, okay? You go to my car first.” He passed Ethan his car keys.
Ethan thought about it for a few seconds. He fucking better not. He did. He took the keys. “Be careful,” he fucking told Duncan. Not me. And walked away.
When Ethan was gone, Duncan stepped closer towards me. He reached his hand out, wanting to help pull me up. I ignored his hand and stood up by myself.
Duncan sighed and dropped his hand. “If you’re really thinking of Ethan’s good, then leave him for a while. He’s trying to move on from you.”
I clenched my fists. My arms itched to move. “I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”
“I’m just telling you what’s happening to him.”
“I clearly know what’s happening to him,” I said. “You’ve changed him,” I said and took a step forward. Now that Ethan was gone, there would be no one left to stop me from punching this bastard. I did what I wanted to do. “He became like this because of you!” I threw my fist at him.
Again, he dodged it easily as if I was trying to punch him while I was drunk. He snorted. “Look at you. No wonder Ethan decides to leave you. You’re pathetic.”
“It’s you…” I glowered at him, breathing heavily. “You’re the one who makes him not himself. You’re the one that broke me and Ethan up!”
“No, it’s you!” Duncan said back. “You broke up with him yourself. You already have a bitch, Liam. Stop bothering Eth! Do you know how much damage you have caused him? How much pain he is in because of you? He’s trying to hold himself together. Just stay away from him and let him be! Or do you plan to have them both? Do you want Eth to be a third person?”
“What?” What was he talking about?
“Stop making him suffer because of your own greed, Liam. Eth is worth much more than that. You, on the other hand, are not worthy of him.”
Whatever Duncan was saying didn’t make much sense. I didn’t know what he was talking about. No. He was a psychology student. He was trying to make me lose my sense of myself with his psychological moves. I couldn’t fall for that.
“So you think you’re worthy of Eth.” I spat.
Duncan sniggered. “As I said back then, Ethan is my duty. My responsibility now. You mess with him, you’re messing with me,” he said and thumbed his chest. “Go back to your bitch, Liam.”
My blood boiled. How could he fucking claim Ethan to be his again?! How could he call Joanna a bitch? “Shut up!” I threw a punch.
I missed. Again.
He shook his head. “I’m not gonna hurt you,” he said. “Ethan won’t like it. Unlike you, I won’t do what he doesn’t like.” He walked away then. “Go home, Liam. And don’t disturb us again.”
I wanted to make another move again. To get back at him again. I was dissatisfied. I was beyond angry. Infuriated. I was supposed to have Ethan back tonight, but I ended up looking like I was the jerk instead of him! It was then I realized we were surrounded by a crowd, holding their phones to record what was happening. Wouldn’t do what Ethan doesn’t like my ass. He just didn’t want to be seen brawling online. I watched him walk towards his car. I watched him drive my Ethan away.
I couldn’t feel my legs anymore. I fell. Ethan left me alone again. And this time, with someone else. I put my knees together and hugged them. What did I do to deserve this? How could this happen? All our happy memories together… How could Ethan just forget them?
The next day, I didn’t go to school. I skipped all my classes. I couldn’t attend. It was so hard to focus or concentrate on anything at all, even Joanna. Because the entire night, I’d never slept. I needed something. A pill or some shot. To get a hold of myself. I felt like I was losing my sanity. I couldn’t take it anymore. I kept thinking of what happened between me and Ethan.
R u in the hospital? Can I come see u? I texted Max.
Yeah. What’s up? Max replied a few seconds later.
I’m sick. I replied to him.
Okay. I’m quite free the entire morning. What time?
Now. I’m already at the hospital’s entrance. I replied and walked towards the emergency department.
Max was there, sitting at his usual desk. The emergency department was empty. Nothing bad had yet happened today. Seemed like I was his first patient.
“Wow, Liam,” Max said when I sat down on the patient’s seat at his desk. “You look terrible.” He took out his torchlight to investigate my eyes. “What did you do?”
“Can we talk?” I asked.
Max looked at me for a second. A genuine concern. “Sure.” He took out his stethoscope next and placed it on my chest area.
I pushed his hand down.
“I…” My eyes were warm again. I knew tears were filling them again. It wasn’t my first time crying today. “I…”
“Hey,” Max said, putting his stethoscope down. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m… I’m sorry...” I said.
Max patted my shoulder. He said nothing else. He gave me some time. After a while, he said, “Come with me,” and walked out of the emergency department.
I followed. He brought me to a private consultation room. There was no one in the room, only us. He sat on the doctor’s seat while I sat on the patient’s seat.
“You can tell me now,” Max said. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I…” I sniffled. “I think there’s some-something wrong with me, Max. I-I miss Ethan a lot, and… and...”
“And?”
“And he just decided to avoid me. He said he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.” I sobbed pathetically. I could hardly see a thing now. “I-I don’t even know what I did wrong. He-he just wouldn’t tell me. I don’t know what to do.”
Max passed me a tissue.
“What’s… What’s wrong with-with me, Doctor? I feel so… so much pain,” I said.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Liam,” Max answered.
“Then?” I tried to think. But I couldn’t. My mind was like a sheet of blank paper. “Why am I in so… so much pain?”
“Let me ask you a question,” Max said. “What do you think of me and Theo?”
“Huh?”
“Do you feel we’re disgusting?” he asked.
“No,” I quickly answered.
“Honest truth?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t care if Ethan is gay. I just want him back.”
Max smiled and reached his hand over to pat me. On the head. Like I was a kid. “You have no idea, do you?”
I sniffled. “What, Max?”
“You’re in love, Liam,” Max
said, putting his hand down. “That’s why you’re in so much pain.”
“I am,” I admitted. “I love Joanna.”
“Is that real, though?” Max narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
“What do you mean?”
Max took a deep breath. “Look, no offense, okay? Have you ever thought of falling in love with a boy? Even once?”
I shook my head.
Max nodded.
“Why?”
“Because it’s pretty clear you like Ethan, Liam,” Max said. “I could see it, the very first time you brought Ethan in. You were too concerned. And it’s more than just best friends. You don’t get this kind of pain from any other friends who suddenly leave your life, do you?”
I shook my head again. He was right about the question. Friends come and go but never once did one make me feel the way Ethan did.
“I understand that you’re straight, Liam,” Max continued. “But there’s this sexual continuum theory. Have you heard about it?”
Again, I shook my head. Clueless.
“Look, we can be born on any point of the continuum. The continuum starts from exclusive attraction to the opposite sex on one end and exclusive attraction to the same sex on the other.” Max brought up his first fingers to show me the continuum. “You may be born here, on the straight side, or maybe somewhere in between. But after some experience or exposure, it moves and goes to the gay side. Get it?”
I shook my head. What was he talking about?
Max sighed. “I’ll make it simple and clear for you, okay? The reason you’re in pain right now, that’s because you’ve fallen in love with Ethan.”
What… How… “But that cannot be,” I said. “I love Joanna. We’re together.” I was sure of it. “I’m not gay.”
Max nodded again. He didn’t say anything else about being gay or straight. Instead, he told me, “It’s normal to love two people. It’s unacceptable to many, but normal. It depends on how you manage, and how you choose to walk your path. Most choose to be with one because they believe in loyalty. There are a few who choose to be with both, but this has to definitely have all parties agreed with one another.”
What Max said reminded me of what Duncan had said to me last night. “Or do you plan to have them both? Do you want Eth to be a third person?” So that was what he meant. And what he meant when he said my own greed.
“Don’t rush, Liam,” Max said and tapped my shoulder twice. “Think about it, okay? It’s your choice to decide. But I have to tell you this, Liam. Whoever you choose, someone will definitely get hurt. You can’t stop that. You’ll have to be prepared for it. And you, Liam…” He touched my heart with his first finger. “Will also be.”
12
Black or White
(Liam)
“B
abe.” Joanna shook my hand. “Babe.” She tried again when I didn’t respond.
Huh?” I looked around. I thought we’d reached the carnival place but we were just behind the traffic lights at a four-way intersection. The lights glared my eyes, probably because I’d never really slept for a few nights in a row.
“You thinking about something?” she asked, squeezing my hand that she was holding.
“Yeah,” I admitted and quickly turned my phone so that the screen faced down. I was looking at Ethan’s Instagram earlier. I didn’t want Joanna to see me checking it.
“Ethan?” she guessed.
I tried to smile at her and nodded. She wore entirely white tonight, including her shoes, and I wore completely black. We wore them for the carnival event.
“Babe.” She squeezed my hand again. “No matter what, I’ll be by your side, babe. We’ll go through this hardship together. For now, we go have some fun and chill out, okay?” She reached over to peck my cheek.
I nodded twice. “Thanks, babe.” I tried to smile again.
The red lights turned green, and Joanna resumed driving.
For two days, I’d been thinking about what Max had told me in the hospital and what Duncan had told me outside the coffee shop:
“Have you ever thought of falling in love with a boy? Even once?” Max had said. “I’ll make it simple and clear for you, okay? The reason you’re in pain right now, that’s because you’ve fallen in love with Ethan.”
“Or do you plan to have them both? Do you want Eth to be a third person?” Duncan had warned me. “Stop making him suffer because of your own greed, Liam. Eth is worth much more than that.”
“Don’t rush, Liam,” Max had also said. “Think about it, okay? It’s your choice to decide. But I have to tell you this, Liam. Whoever you choose, someone will definitely get hurt. You can’t stop that. You’ll have to be prepared for it. And you, Liam, will also be.”
Must I really choose? Must it be only one? I looked at the girl I loved most. Truly, she was an amazing person. She tried to help me so much. To help me feel better. She never minded when I was acting like a princess, getting all emotional over a guy. She’d never complained. Not even once. And she… she was always there by my side.
“Babe,” I squeezed her hand this time. She was still holding mine, driving behind the wheel with only one hand. “Thank you. Must be hard for you these few days with me acting like this.”
Joanna smiled at me. “I understand, babe. I love you.”
I smiled back, finally a genuine one. “I love you too.”
It wasn’t long until we reached our destination. The Masquerade Carnival Night was held in a town near Buvekeli. From the outside and over the wall, we could see the huge Ferris wheel, the roller coaster, and many other different kinds of amusement park attractions. The entrance had a big signboard that wrote: Welcome to the Masquerade Carnival Night!
The crowd by the ticket booth was massive. The line was absurd. From the look of it, it seemed like we would need at least half an hour before we could get our tickets. We looked around to see if there were any other ways inside. Nope, not even one, but instead, we spotted Joanna’s friends somewhere in front of the ticket booth, almost their turn. The moment they saw us, they took off their masquerade masks that they were wearing and waved at us. “Jo, Liam! Over here!”
“Girls!” Joanna greeted her friends, waving and ignoring their other halves. “Can you get us two tickets, please? I don’t wanna wait.”
“Sure, sure!” a girl I remembered called Jane said. There were eight of them; four girls and four guys. But I could only remember Jane because she seemed to be the closest to Joanna. “Sweet outfit, by the way, Jo! Both of you!”
“Thanks!” Joanna beamed. She took out her mask and put it over her eyes. It was a plain white masquerade mask. She’d said being simple would make us stand out among the rest. And she was right. Because when I looked around, no one had plain masks like ours. All of them were either too fancy with glitter, flowers or feathers.
I took out my mask and wore it too. My mask was black of course, to pair with my completely black outfit and Joanna’s. I put my arm around Joanna’s waist. To show off to the people around. To make Joanna proud. Joanna was damn pleased when some people around us said we looked like some badass superheroes.
After a few minutes, we got our ticket-wristbands and entered.
As expected after seeing from the outside, the inside was enormous. Brilliant, warm, orange lights illuminated the entire place. The first ride in front of us was the Round Up. People were lining up just to get a dose of dizziness. On the right were more thrilling rides like the roller coaster, the swing ride, and the Enterprise. On the left were big tents for mini and casual games. For a temporary event, this place was pretty well-built. It didn’t look cheap at all. Everything was professionally done as though it was going to be a permanent amusement park. It was also made in a very romantic ambiance, like the park was meant for couples. Perhaps it was its theme.
We walked around, enjoying the thrill. Like what was required and stated in the event posters, everyone was wearing a masquerade mask. There were people who dressed up, like me and Joa
nna, some even had put on costumes too, but there were also some who came very casually, just for the rides.
“Babe, babe, can I play that with you?” she said and pointed at the flat ride where there were teacups spinning around.
I laughed. That was a kid’s game. “That’s nothing.”
“Aw, please, babe,” she said as she swung my hand that she was holding. “I wanna relive my childhood. I love those cups.”
“Okay, okay,” I said and went with her.
By the time we finished the ride, my head was still spinning. I was still laughing. It was so funny seeing Joanna’s untied hair slapping her face left and right as we spun in the cups.
“That, that, babe!” She chose a carousel, full of unicorns and sleighs, this time.
“What?” I said.
“C’mon, babe, please,” Joanna pleaded again. Only this time, she nuzzled my neck instead of swinging my hand like she did earlier. She knew I couldn’t resist her like that.
“Okay, okay,” I said.
She brought me into one of the sleighs. I wanted the unicorn, but whatever. As long as Joanna was happy. As the ride began, Joanna took out her phone and began taking pictures of us together. We posed. After a few shots, she almost lost her phone. Her phone fell from her hand, but I managed to catch it. I took a picture of her with it before giving it back. She was so satisfied that she immediately changed her Instagram profile picture to it.
“What should we do next, babe?” Joanna asked when we were done.
I grinned. “It’s my turn to choose?”
Joanna shrugged.
I pointed at one of the scariest rides. The roller coaster. “That!”
“Aw, babe! You know I’m scared, right?”
“Hey.” I took her hand. “I’m here, okay? Let me overcome that fear with you. Follow me. It’s fun, really.” I pulled her there.
She didn’t complain. She followed. “Let me tie my hair this time. I don’t want to look like a ghost if they’re taking pictures.”
I laughed, could totally picture it. I replayed it in my mind: a lady in white riding the roller coaster with her hair all over her face. I laughed again.
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