What Goes Down: An emotional must-read of love, loss and second chances

by Natalie K. Martin

  Traffic sped along the busy road in front of her. The rush of air from every vehicle that roared past made the hairs on her bare arms stand on end. Her feet inched forward until her feet were halfway over the edge of the curb.

  Wouldn’t it be so much better to just stop it all?

  It felt like someone was holding a clock, loudly ticking the seconds away until the inevitable moment she’d be swamped under that awful confusion and terror and noise again. She couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t go back.

  Do it. It’s better for everyone this way. You’ve already hurt them so much: Ben, Mum, Dad. You’ve hurt them all.

  Seph dropped her arms to let them hang limp by her sides.

  The pain will go away.

  Anything had to be better than feeling that again. Anything and nothing.

  Seph tilted her head back and, without opening her eyes, stepped forward from the curb and into the road.

  LAUREL

  Twenty-Eight

  ‘Come on,’ Laurel muttered under her breath and rested her elbow on the tiny window ledge of the car.

  Tony’s knuckles strained against his skin as he gripped the steering wheel. They shot through yet another traffic light as it turned from amber to red but still, they weren’t going fast enough. It was one-thirty in the morning, and just over half an hour since Seph had called, hysterical, rambling and in tears.

  ‘I’m scared, Mum.’

  Ice-cold fear gripped Laurel’s heart. Seph had sounded so small, so frightened. It had taken every ounce of self-control to remain calm enough to sound reassuring after Seph had told her what she’d done. She’d stepped out into a busy road, directly into oncoming traffic. On purpose. She’d wanted to end her life and it was only sheer luck that the lights had changed while she’d had her eyes closed that had saved her.

  ‘It’s going to be alright, isn’t it?’ Laurel asked quietly.

  She nibbled a fingernail and glanced over at Tony. His face was pinched with concentration. This had to be the first time in their marriage that he hadn’t tried to comfort her with reassuring words. The absence of them made her quickly realise just how much she relied on his unwavering optimism. That without it, they might never have got through the rough times.

  ‘Ben’s with her,’ Tony replied, keeping his eyes on the road.

  Laurel waited for the rest of the sentence, the part where he was supposed to say ‘She’ll be fine’. But it didn’t come. He was right, though. At least Ben was there. He’d started making his way to the warehouse before Laurel had even finished telling him what had happened on the phone.

  ‘If anything happens to her…’ Laurel shook her head as her voice hitched in her throat.

  Seph hadn’t answered her phone since and even though Ben had messaged to let them know he’d arrived it did nothing to take away the images in Laurel’s head. She should’ve seen this coming, especially after her conversation with Nico. She should’ve left him after their meeting at King’s Cross station and gone straight round to Seph’s. Laurel tore away a piece of fingernail with her teeth. She’d never be able to forgive herself if anything happened to her.

  ‘You know we’re going to have to call someone, don’t you?’ Tony said evenly. ‘We’re not going to be able to deal with this by ourselves.’

  What did that mean? Would Seph need to be hospitalised? Laurel blinked away tears. ‘God, I can’t believe this is happening.’

  He took a hand from the steering wheel to hold one of hers, squeezing it tightly. It might not have been the words she’d needed to hear, but it was the next best thing and he kept it there, taking it away only when he needed to change gears.

  Finally, they turned onto the street she’d come to just a few days before and Tony parked haphazardly in an empty space a few buildings down from the warehouse. It was cloaked in darkness with no signs of life at all. Laurel’s stomach lurched as she got out of the car and ran along the pavement with Tony right beside her. Ben was sitting outside of the warehouse and he scrambled to his feet when he saw them.

  ‘You’re here,’ he said.

  Without even thinking, Laurel wrapped him in a fierce hug. They’d never hugged before but she knew what he’d been through tonight. She knew the terror that would’ve engulfed him.

  ‘Where is she?’ Laurel let go of him, looking at the reflective windows that hinted at nothing inside.

  ‘She won’t come out and she won’t let me in. The door’s jammed,’ Ben replied, his voice thick with worry.

  ‘You should’ve told me,’ Laurel said. ‘I thought you’d be inside.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I thought it was better to keep her talking than push my way in and maybe make her worse.’

  She went to reply but Tony took over.

  ‘We’re here now,’ he said, putting a hand on Ben’s shoulder. ‘Thanks for getting here so quickly.’

  Ben wasn’t a small man but in that moment, with the glow of the street lamp lighting up the worry in his face and with Tony beside him, he looked like a scared boy. A flash of guilt hit her. She hadn’t meant to lay blame on him. She just needed to know that Seph was okay.

  Laurel banged her fist on the metal door that was so heavy she had no idea whether it would even be heard inside.

  ‘Seph?’ She pressed her ear to the door but heard nothing. ‘Seph, it’s me. It’s Mum.’

  She bent down to peer through the letterbox. She could just about make out the bicycles leaning up against the wall and a pile of shoes on the floor, but the place looked deserted.

  ‘Are you sure she’s still in there?’

  ‘I’m positive. I heard her moving around seconds before you came. Maybe she’s gone into her studio.’

  ‘Is there another way in?’ Tony asked

  Ben nodded, his afro bouncing. ‘There’s a back door, but we can’t get to it from here. We’ll have to go by the next street.’

  ‘Right, Lorie, you stay here,’ Tony said, taking charge of the situation. ‘We’ll go check around the back.’

  The two men turned and ran up the street, leaving Laurel alone. She banged on the door again.

  ‘Seph?’ Laurel’s heart thudded in her chest at the silence that answered and she looked up at the sky, trying to keep the tears in her eyes. ‘Please, God. Let her be okay.’

  It didn’t matter that she wasn’t religious. At that moment, Laurel would have sold her soul to make sure that Seph was okay. She pressed her ear to the door again, hoping to hear something – anything. Instead, the sound of a loud, chugging engine filled the air around her as a black taxi turned onto the street. The headlights beamed brightly and Laurel almost did a double take when Nico stepped out. He looked up and down the street before spotting her and briskly jogging over.

  ‘What are you doing here? You didn’t have to come,’ Laurel said, not quite able to believe that he was really standing in front of her.

  ‘What? Don’t be daft, of course I did.’

  ‘I told you, she’s fine.’

  ‘Believe me, the last thing she is right now, is fine.’ Nico stepped around her and knocked on the door. ‘Seph? It’s Nico, open up.’

  ‘What are you doing?’ she hissed.

  ‘I can help her. Isn’t that why you called me?’

  ‘I called because I thought she might be with you.’

  ‘And because we spoke about her being unwell two days ago,’ he added.

  Laurel lowered her eyes to the ground. She couldn’t deny there was more than a hint of truth to what he’d just said. She rubbed her forehead. She hadn’t expected him to turn up, even though she’d sent him Seph’s address. Wasn’t it why she’d sent it in the first place? Because she knew he needed to be here too?

  ‘Laurel, trust me. I know how she’s feeling. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless and scared. She probably feels like nothing she does is right, that it’s only wrong. She probably wishes she could just make it stop. That she could stop hurting everyone, including herself.’


  His words forced her to think back to the moment she’d walked away from him twenty-seven years ago. She’d had no idea that he’d been feeling anything even remotely close to what he’d just described. That he’d felt there was no other way out. If Seph was feeling just one ounce of the way he had…Laurel put her forehead on the door, her breath coming in short spurts.

  ‘Seph, please open the door.’ Her voice was straining with tears. All she wanted to do was protect her little girl.

  Laurel hit the door again. The metal was cold, heavy and unforgiving, and she wished she could break it down.

  ‘I can’t lose her,’ she said.

  ‘You’re not going to,’ Nico replied, putting his hand on her shoulder.

  She wanted to shrug him off, but the warmth of it was reassuring. She needed to hear that things were going to be alright.

  ‘Is there another way in?’ he asked.

  Laurel sniffed, lifting her head from the door. ‘Around the back. Ben and Tony are there.’

  A ball wedged itself into her throat. What if they hadn’t been able to find a way in? Seph might have done God only knew what to herself by now.

  ‘Why don’t you go around too?’ Nico suggested. ‘I’ll stay here.’

  She looked up at him. He seemed so calm, despite the crisis unfolding around them but dependability was a trait she’d never seen in him before.

  ‘Go,’ he urged. ‘I’ve got this.’

  Laurel nodded numbly before turning and running towards the corner Ben and Tony had disappeared around. She swallowed against the bile tickling her throat as she ran. She had to trust Nico now, whether she liked it or not. She only hoped that they hadn’t made a mistake by not calling the police instead of trying to deal with this alone.

  She turned the corner to see Tony and Ben standing a few feet ahead. They turned at the sound of her feet slapping loudly against the ground.

  ‘Lorie?’ Tony said as she closed the gap between them. ‘I thought you were staying at the front.’

  She ran into his outstretched arm and clutched the back of his jacket. ‘It’s okay, Nico’s there.’

  Tony simply nodded. He seemed to know as well as she did that the only important thing right now was getting through to Seph.

  ‘Stand back,’ Ben said, ushering them away from the door.

  ‘Has she answered?’

  Tony shook his head as Ben raised his leg and kicked at the door once and then twice. His foot connected loudly with the metal, but it didn’t seem to budge an inch until he kicked again. Finally, it swung open and Ben shot inside. Laurel quickly followed him with Tony close behind.

  The interior of the warehouse was only dimly illuminated from the street lighting outside and eerily silent until a sob echoed in the air around them. The lost, helpless sound of it caused her heart to leap until it almost came right out of her throat and she followed the direction it came from like a guided missile. Broken glass crunched under Laurel’s feet, and she banged into something, her hipbone colliding with a hard edge. Finally, a light flickered on above them, illuminating the kitchen. Laurel looked down at the shards of glass as another sob came from behind a door to her right. She ran to it and pushed the handle down.

  Laurel stopped in the doorway for a fraction of a second as the light from the kitchen flooded into the room. A dank smell hung heavily in the air. It was musky and cloying, a mixture of old cigarettes and spilt alcohol. The windows were smeared with dark paint and there, huddled into a corner, was Seph. Laurel’s heart stopped and cracked right open as her daughter lifted her head, staring up at her with wide, unfocused eyes.

  ‘Oh, God. Seph.’ The words disintegrated in her throat as she took in the sight of her daughter.

  Wearing nothing more than a pair of knickers and a vest, her skin was pale, even in the dim lighting of the room. Her hair was a bedraggled mess, dark circles hung below her eyes and just like her voice had sounded on the phone, she looked tiny and frail. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days.

  Laurel’s vision blurred with tears as she went to her daughter but she forced herself to keep the tears inside. She couldn’t fall apart now. Seph needed her.

  Laurel sat down next to her daughter, putting an arm around her shoulders. Seph had lost so much weight, even in the two days since she’d last seen her. Her skin was ice-cold, covered with goosebumps and streaked with dark, dried paint.

  ‘Help me, Mum,’ Seph croaked before sobbing again.

  The tears Laurel had been fighting so hard to keep down sprung from her eyes at the sheer desperation in Seph’s voice.

  ‘I’m here. Mummy’s here, it’s alright.’

  Somehow, her voice managed to sound much stronger than she felt, and she smoothed down Seph’s dishevelled hair, just like she used to when she was a little girl. Back then, it used to help calm her down after nightmares but it only seemed to make her more agitated now as her cries grew.

  Tony and Ben came in, quickly followed by Nico. Laurel looked at him before glancing back at Tony. He nodded and shrugged, all at the same time before grabbing a sheet that had been draped over an easel.

  ‘I’m going to call an ambulance,’ Ben said, pulling his mobile from his pocket.

  As he disappeared out into the hallway, Tony crouched next to the two of them and covered Seph with the heavy cotton sheet. Laurel looked at him. Seph was crying so violently that she was physically shaking.

  ‘Seph?’ Tony spoke gently, but got no reaction.

  Laurel looked at him, unable to say anything. To do anything. She’d never felt more helpless in her entire life and by the look on Tony’s face, she was sure he felt the same.

  ‘We’re here, Seph. Me, Tony, Ben, we’re all here. It’s going to be alright,’ Laurel said again, wishing that her words could take Seph’s pain away.

  ‘I’m here too, Seph. It’s me, Nico,’ he said with a steady and firm voice as he treaded across the floorboards with soft steps.

  Laurel looked up at him, picturing him on that bridge, just like she’d done so many times when he’d first disappeared. Back when she’d thought he’d really killed himself. He almost had.

  Nico stopped walking and crouched down in front of them. ‘Can you tell me what you’re feeling, Seph?’

  What had gone through his mind as he’d stood there, contemplating jumping two hundred and fifty feet to his death? Was it the same thing that had gone through Seph’s? The thought of what might have happened if that traffic light hadn’t changed…Laurel hugged her daughter closer. It was simply too unbearable to think about.

  ‘Seph, I know you’re scared, but I promise you, you’re going to be fine,’ he continued. ‘You’re not in any trouble, we’re just here to help, okay?’

  Seph’s sobs seemed to calm a little and Laurel’s eyes widened. She glanced first at Nico and then at Tony.

  ‘It’s really important you let me know if you’ve taken anything, Seph. Anything at all?’ Nico asked. His tone was reassuring and steady, as if he’d done this countless times before. ‘Seph, have you taken anything?’

  Seph sniffed and shook her head. It was such a slight, simple movement, but Laurel’s chest almost caved in with relief that she was finally responding.

  ‘Okay, that’s great, Seph. Help’s on the way but we’re not going anywhere.’

  His eyes met Laurel’s and she lifted the edges of her lips into as much of a smile as she could manage before more tears fell from her eyes. This time, they were tears of gratitude. She might never be able to comprehend what had gone through Seph’s mind earlier tonight, but Nico could. It was him who’d managed to get through to her. Laurel and Tony could love Seph more than anyone had ever been loved before, but now she understood that they were completely out of their depth.

  Laurel smoothed down her daughter’s hair and kissed the side of her head as her cries slowly began to subside. ‘That’s right. You’re safe, Seph.’

  ‘We’re all here. It’s going to be alright,’ Tony said, an
d Laurel held onto the words he’d been unable to say in the car.

  She held Seph close as Ben came back in, tucking his phone into his pocket. Despite the terrifying way the night had unfolded, Laurel’s heart swelled with gratitude. Seph was surrounded by people who loved and cared about her. And no matter what came next, one thing was for certain. Seph was going to need them. All of them.

  SEPH

  Epilogue

  Eight and a half months later

  Seph stood in front of the mirror, staring at her reflection. A cacophony of tinkling laughter and voices whooshed into the small bathroom as Laurel came in, before being sucked away again when the door closed.

  ‘There you are.’ Laurel smiled, looking at Seph through the mirror.

  It wasn’t the smile she used to have. It didn’t light up her hazel pupils or create fine lines in the corners of her eyes. It was the smile that had taken the place of the real one since the night Seph had stepped out into oncoming traffic. Seph flicked her eyes downwards and focused on the sink as a rush of guilt washed over her. She wished her mum’s real, full smile would come back.

  Laurel stood right behind her and scooped Seph’s hair back from her shoulders. Seph closed her eyes for a few seconds. In the initial days and weeks after that awful night, it had been hard to believe it had really happened to her. The memories were so hazy and jumbled that it felt as if it had happened to someone else entirely. But it was the small things that brought it all back with full force.

  In one of her group therapy sessions, Seph had chosen to sit on the floor instead of a chair. It had instantly reminded her of sitting on the hard, wooden floor of her studio and how its firm reassurance had kept her tethered to a sense of reality. Simply catching a whiff of oil paint was enough to fill her head with memories from that frenzied period where she’d produced almost thirty paintings in the space of only a few weeks. And now, as her mum stood behind her, smoothing down her hair just like she had that night, Seph remembered how she’d cried.