She nodded as she wiped tears away. “I believe you. I’m sorry, Garrett. I just wanted to have what you have with Maddie. I want someone to love me the way you love her.”
“There’ll be plenty of time for that later, okay? Just be a kid for now, for as long as you can.”
I wanted to wrap my sister in a magic bubble that would keep her eleven years old forever. But time and unforeseen occurrences were about to thrust her into cruel maturity.
Chapter 11: Mortality
When we got to school that morning, I met Maddie in front of her locker.
“I missed you,” I said after a kiss hello.
“I missed you, too.” She blushed.
“Do you want to go to Java Joe’s after school today?”
“I guess…we can…if you want…but…” She looked at her shoes. She seemed nervous. Something was wrong.
“Can you not go? If you don’t want to we don’t have to. I just wanted to be with you.”
“No, it’s not that. I want to, I definitely want to spend time with you,” she said quickly as she looked up at me. “It’s just that…” She looked down again and started wringing her hands. “I just had something else in mind. Um, my father left for Boston this morning and he won’t be back until Monday and so I have the place to myself so I just wanted to know if you wanted to, you know, come over or something, but you don’t have to or anything, I was just wondering. I thought we could watch a movie or something, but if you would rather get coffee that’s fine. Or if you don’t like movies or something, that’s fine too. I mean we can go to the library again if you want. It was just a thought.”
I leaned down and kissed her so passionately I thought I felt her knees buckle.
“What time do you want me there?”
***
“Where are you going?” Eden asked that evening as I got ready.
“I’m going to see Maddie,” I said as I dabbed on some aftershave.
“Again? She must be really special.” Eden came into my bedroom and sat on my bed.
“She is special. But not as special as you.” I walked to the bed and kissed the top of her head.
“Really?” Eden smiled.
“Of course.” I sat down next to her and slipped on my shoes.
“Can I brush your hair? Remember when we used to brush each other’s hair every night? Why don’t we do that anymore?” Eden sat on her knees and started running her fingers through my hair.
“I don’t know, Bug. I guess we just grew out of it. We can start it again tomorrow if you want, but right now I have to go. I have to catch the metro all the way back to DC and it’s already six.”
“Oh, okay,” she said as she sat back down on the bed and crossed her legs Indian style.
“Are you upset with me?” I asked when I saw the sad look in her eyes.
“No…yes…a little, I guess.”
“I’m so sorry, Eden.” I hugged her. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. How about Sunday you and I spend the whole day together? We can see some museums, have lunch then go to a movie, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, her mood brightening.
“Now, go do your homework and read that book of poetry I bought you. I’ll try to be back in time to tuck you in to bed.”
“I love you, Gary. And I’m glad she makes you happy. You deserve to be happy.”
***
Maddie actually had two homes. She had a three story mansion in McLean, VA and a five bedroom condominium in DC near embassy row. That night at seven, I met her at the condo. When I got there, she had popcorn, chips, and brownies out on the table. She also had several DVD’s picked out for me to peruse. So she really did want to watch a movie. I had to admit, I felt a little disappointed.
“The brownies are organic and sugar-free. It’s all we have.” She admitted. “But I can send out for some different ones if you want.” She took my coat and hung it on a hanger.
“I’m sure these will be fine.” I said as I looked around her elegant home. The furniture looked antique and expensive. I didn’t want to touch anything for fear I would diminish its value. I think Maddie noticed my discomfort.
“You can have a seat if you like.” She smiled and gestured for the couch. “Oh, um, let me get you something to drink.” Maddie dashed off to the kitchen as I sat on the couch.
“You’re still in your uniform,” I said when she came back holding two glasses. I felt overdressed in my khakis and button down shirt. I actually borrowed a tie from Corbin. What was I thinking?
“Oh, yeah, I didn’t have time to change. I actually just got here. I had a doctor’s appointment after school. The maid set up the snacks and everything for us before she left for the day.” Maddie handed me a glass then took a sip out of hers as if that’s all she wanted to say about it. I gulped down the orange juice for lack of anything else to do. “Do you want some more?”
“No, I’m fine,” I said setting the empty glass on the table in front of us. Time ticked on through our awkward silence as Maddie started to nervously tap her glass. Why didn’t I just lean over and kiss her?
“So, your dad’s gone for the weekend?” I asked finally. She smiled meekly and nodded all the while continuing to tap on her glass. Another silence fell. “Um, Maddie?”
“Huh?”
“Why are you so nervous?”
“Oh my God, is it that obvious? I’m such an idiot.” Maddie bolted off the couch and tried to retreat into the kitchen, but I stood and touched her hand. When I turned her toward me, she got off balance and spilled her drink all over my shirt. “Oh, my God, oh my God, I’m so stupid. I didn’t mean…here.” She took off her sweater and started dabbing my chest.
“It’s fine. I’m okay. It’s just a little orange juice. No big deal.”
“I can wash it for you. Just let me…” She started to unbutton my shirt.
“Don’t!” I almost yelled as I grabbed her wrists. Maddie’s lips quivered and tears instantly welled in her magnificent eyes. What kind of a monster was I to raise my voice to her? I just couldn’t let her take off my shirt.
I pulled her close to me and let her cry.
“I’m such a loser. I wanted this to be special, but instead I’m a total spaz and I spilled juice on you and now you don’t even want me to touch you.”
“Oh, God, Maddie, it’s not you. It’s…” I lifted her chin and stared into those pools of blue. I wiped her tears away with my thumbs then planted a soft kiss on her lips. She smiled through the tears and warmed my soul. She slowly melted away the emotional barriers I’d developed. Barriers that needed to come down once and for all.
I took her hand, sat her back down on the couch and said, “It’s not that I don’t want you to touch me. You have no idea how much I want that. I’m just afraid that if you know…that if you see…that if you get too close to me, the truth will scare you away.” Maddie looked confused. The only way for her to understand would be to show her. I unbuttoned my shirt. When I opened it fully, she gasped and covered her mouth.
“Garrett, what happened to you?”
I pulled my shirt closed in shame. I didn’t want to go into the whole story, but it was too late now. She’d already seen the abuse.
“When I was nine,” I began, “my mother dated this guy who tried to rape her, but I was there to protect her. I stabbed him with a knife.” My mind flashed back to the scene. I saw the blood streaming down his leg. I felt the pain of the broken arm he caused.
“After that,” I continued, “my therapist and social worker thought it would be best if we didn’t have knives in our house. She took them away. I was defenseless. About a year later, Eden’s father came back into our lives.
"Joel had always hated me. I knew that. But he fed my mother a few lines about how he’d changed and she believed him. One night, my mother was at work. Eden was on the couch sleeping next to Joel as he watched TV. I sat in the corner just watching him. I wanted to make sure Eden was safe. I remember a lit ember from his cigare
tte fell and burned his bare chest.”
I paused. Maddie placed my hands in hers once she noticed they were shaking. “He looked at me and accused me of laughing at him. ‘You think that’s funny, nigger?’ he said. I told him I wasn’t laughing, but he didn’t believe me. Then he held the lit cigarette above Eden and said ‘I bet you won’t think it’s funny if it happened to your sister’.”
Maddie inhaled sharply. I didn’t want to finish the story. I hadn’t told anyone about this, not even Richard. Somehow I had managed to bury this episode into the deep recesses of my mind. I took deep slow breaths in order to continue without breaking down.
“I wanted to kill him. I wanted to strangle the life out of him with my bare hands. I wanted to slice out his heart. He made me choose. It was either Eden or me. I couldn’t let him hurt my sister. He took that cigarette and burned me over and over and over. And then he lit another one and did it again.” My voice leapt an octave, but I set aside the pain.
“Oh Garrett.” Maddie placed my head on her shoulder and held me.
“I didn’t cry. I never cried about it. I didn’t want to give that bastard the satisfaction of knowing that he…” I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Violent tears rushed forth from my body in powerful spasms.
“It’s okay to cry, Garrett. You have to let it out sometime. You can’t hold something like that in. It’ll eat away at your soul until nothing is left.”
I cried for a long time. Too long. I felt weak and pitiful. As soon as possible, I dried my eyes and forced my breathing to return to normal. I sat up and rubbed the back of my neck.
“I’m damaged goods. I’m nothing, nobody. I have to be for someone to do that to me, right?”
“No, don’t say that, Garrett. You’re wounded, but wounds heal.” Maddie turned my face to hers. “I want to show you something,” she said as she unbuttoned her shirt. She opened it and revealed a thick scar down the center of her chest. She placed my hand between her breasts and said, “I had a heart transplant when I was 14. That’s why my dad is so overprotective and why I had that episode that Monday at school and why I’m so nervous around you all the time. I’ve spent most of my life in and out of hospitals and haven’t had a chance to talk to many boys.” Maddie brought my hand to her lips then entwined our fingers. “So, we’re both wounded, but we can heal each other.”
“So, are you okay now? Are you healthy?”
“For the most part. My body has adjusted well to the heart. I still have to take a truckload of medications every day. Sometimes I have bad days, like Monday. I was pretty weak. I’m on a new prescription.”
I tucked a blond curl behind her ear then caressed her cheek. “I’m glad you’re okay.” I kissed her gently. “I don’t want to think…what if you…” Maddie silenced the thought with a kiss that made my entire body groan.
She scooted closer to me and crawled into my lap. My hands slid under her shirt and caressed her back. Her kisses deepened.
“I want you so badly,” I said into her neck.
She pulled away from me flushed and breathing heavily. She gave me a wide-eyed stare. I thought I’d scared her. I thought I was moving too fast. I thought wrong. She stood, grabbed my hand, and slowly led me down a hallway.
The moonlight spilling through the French doors of the balcony in her bedroom set a perfect romantic mood. Maddie gently closed the door behind her then led me to the bed.
“Maddie, what are you –” She placed her finger over my lips.
“You don’t know how good it feels to have someone want me and not pity me.” She twirled a lock of my hair around her finger for a second then said, “For six years, I’ve spent my life thinking about my death. The day I met you in front of your locker was the first time I could remember when I wasn’t fixated on my own mortality. All I could think about was when I would get to see you again. And when you kiss me, Garrett, I…I never want it to end.”
I wrapped my arms around her waist, lifted her until our bare stomachs met then sealed her lips with mine.
We sat on the bed and she took my opened shirt all the way off. My heart pounded in my ears as we stared into each other’s eyes. Maddie ran both her hands over my chest then leaned forward and kissed each of the seven circular scars. I returned the gesture by placing my lips to her chest. Then I kissed my way up to her neck.
Maddie undid my belt and tugged my pants down. I slipped her skirt down her thighs to her knees then we both awkwardly stepped out of our clothing and kicked them off the bed.
She ran her fingers through my hair as I unclasped her bra and nuzzled the warmth between her breasts. She moaned my name. The breathy feminine quality of her voice aroused me more than I’d expected. I lifted my head and stared into her eyes again. My hands inched up her thighs then slowly pulled down her panties.
We were naked. I marveled at each and every luscious curve of her body. I’d never seen anything like it.
Fresh tears welled in her eyes when I slid inside.
“Did I hurt you?” I asked.
She shook her head then pulled me closer. “Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.” She wrapped her legs around me.
We were one. I filled her completely and absolutely. She wrapped me in exquisite warmth. Our bodies moved together to a rhythmic tune our souls played.
Maddie’s breath quickened. She clung to me tighter and tighter. Then her head fell back and she convulsed. I watched her so intently my own crisis caught me by surprise, but didn’t lessen the intensity.
We held each other as we lay side by side.
“Are you okay?” I whispered
“Yeah,” she breathed. “That was beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful.”
***
“Were you a virgin before tonight?” she asked me as we lay so close our lips were almost in a perpetual kiss.
“Not really.” My fingers traced up and down the side of her body from her thighs to her shoulder.
“Not really? Well, that’s a complicated answer to a simple question?” She smiled. “Care to elaborate?”
I rolled over to my back. She snuggled close to me and rested her head on my chest. “In the eighth grade, I belonged to the science club. Keisha was the only girl on the team. One night we all went to her house to study for an upcoming competition. After a while, everyone went home except me. I wasn’t in a rush to get home. Anyway, we kept studying. Then, out of the blue, she kissed me. When I asked her why she did it, she said she just wanted to know what it was like. So we kissed again. Then, somehow, we decided we wanted to find out what sex was like, so we did it. It was very mechanical. Two nerds performing a science experiment. We didn’t even get completely undressed or turn out the lights.”
Maddie chuckled a little on my chest and said, “That sounds pretty awful.”
“Yeah it was. I don’t think Keisha and I ever spoke again after that night.” We both laughed. “What about you? Were you a virgin?”
“Yeah, but not from lack of trying. When I was 13, I was hospitalized for the umpteenth time. I thought I was going to die. I didn’t want to die a virgin, so I started scoping out possible candidates right there in the children’s ward. I settled on this 15-year-old named Charlie who had leukemia. Well, I threw myself at him. I flirted, bought him gifts, went to his room constantly. Basically, I stalked him.” Maddie paused.
“What happened?”
“We got to second base one night. But three days later…he died.” Maddie grew silent. I stroked her back and stared at how the moonlight glistened over her platinum blonde curls. She was quiet for so long, I was afraid she had fallen asleep. I didn’t want her to fall asleep. I wanted to keep talking to her.
“Maddie,” I said trying to gently awaken her. “Why don’t you ever mention your mother?”
“Because I don’t remember her,” she said with a yawn. “She died when I was a two. That’s why my father flips out over anything that poses the slightest threat to my health. I’m all he has.” Maddie prop
ped her head up on her fist and stared at me. “Well, me and his politics. He’s a senator, you know?” she added. “Why don’t you mention your father?”
“He’s in jail.” Maddie winced as if the simple thought was painful.
“How long has he been in jail?”
“All my life, I just met him for the first time a little while ago.”
“What did he do?”
“He…um…apparently he killed my grandfather.”
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