The 104-Storey Treehouse
Page 3
When he warned me about spying cows!
And then their stupid, dumb mooo-vie
Was much more successful than ours.
Q What do you call a cow’s bedtime stones?
A Dairy tales.
If only I’d listened to Andy
When we were using our machine to make money,
I wouldn’t have bumped the switch
And flooded the treehouse with honey.
And I would NEVER have indented a toothpaste
That was ninety-nine percent candy.
I’m so sorry for all the dumb things I have done.
Oh, I feel so bad for poor Andy.
Q How do you spell candy in two letters?
A C and Y.
If only I could think of a way
To get that tooth out of his head,
Why, I’d pull it right out in an instant
And he could leave it at night by his bed.
The tooth fairy could come and collect it
And leave a gold coin in its place
And Andy would feel so much better–
It would put a huge smile on his face!
Q Why are tooth fairies so smart?
A They gather a lot of wisdom teeth.
He’d say, ‘Terry, you’re not such a dumdum!
You’ve done something right for a change!
We can take all this money back to the shop
And get the pencil we need in exchange!’
‘THAT’S IT! HEY, ANDY! I’VE GOT A WAY TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS AND MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT!’
Q What happens when you put a tooth into a glass of water?
A It gets wet.
‘Not now, Terry,’ I say. ‘This is no time for jokes— my tooth is hurting too much!’
‘I know that,’ he says, ‘but your tooth is the solution to our problem.’
‘How do you figure that?’ I say.
‘All we need to do is pull it out,’ says Terry. ‘And then you can leave it out tonight for the tooth fairy and you will get two dollars for it and then we’ll have enough money to buy the Joke Writer 2000™!’
‘That’s crazy,’ I say.
‘Oh,’ says Terry, disappointed.
‘So crazy it just might work!’ I say. ‘Let’s try it!’
‘Yay!’ says Terry.
Q How did the hammerhead shark do on his test?
A He nailed it.
CHAPTER 6
TUG OF WAR
‘Terry Dentist at your service!’ says Terry. ‘Hold still and I’ll just knock your tooth out with this hammer.’
‘No way!’ I say. ‘It’s hurting enough already! No hammer!’
‘No hammer? No problem!’ says Terry. ‘I’ll use this tooth dynamite instead. It says here: Just put one stick in your mouth near the aching tooth and light the fuse.’
‘DEFINITELY NOT!’ I say. ‘No hammer and no tooth dynamite! The tooth fairy won’t want my tooth if it’s exploded to bits. You are a terrible dentist!’
Q Why did the owl say, ‘Tweet tweet’?
A Because it couldn’t give a hoot.
‘Well, I’m all out of ideas then,’ says Terry. ‘Maybe we should go and ask the three wise owls how to get your tooth out.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ I say. ‘I’m not so sure those owls are as wise as you think they are.’
‘Do you have any other ideas?’ says Terry.
‘No,’ I say with a groan. ‘Let’s go and see the wise owls.’
We jet-chair up to the owl house.
‘Greetings, O wise owls!’ says Terry.
Q What is an owl’s favourite subject?
A Owl-gebra.
‘Just as I suspected,’ I say. ‘This is a waste of time. Let’s go.’
‘No, give them a chance, Andy,’ says Terry. ‘We haven’t even asked our question yet.’
Terry turns to address the owls. ‘O wise owls! We do beseech thee to tell us the answer to our question: what is the best way to remove Andy’s aching tooth?’
‘String! Doorknob! Slam!’ say the wise owls.
‘See?’ I say. ‘I knew this wasn’t a good idea. They’re just hooting random words!’
‘No, they’re not!’ says Terry. ‘They’re making perfect sense. They’re telling us that all we have to do is tie a bit of string to your tooth, tie the other end to a doorknob and then slam the door. The force of the door slamming will pull out your tooth and all our problems will be solved!’
‘Well,’ I say, ‘it does sound a little less painful than hammers or dynamite.’
Q What kind of room has no windows or doors?
A A mushroom.
‘Definitely,’ says Terry. ‘And we can get some string from the tangled-up level. Come on!’ He turns to the wise owls. ‘Farewell, O wise ones, and thanks for the wise advice!’
The tangled-up level looks even more tangled-up than usual. It’s a big crazy jumble of cords, wires, cables, ribbons, twine, ropes, threads and string all tangled together in the biggest tangled-up tangle you’ve ever seen. There is caution tape around it but you can’t really read it because the caution tape is all tangled up as well.
‘I’m going to go in and untangle a bit of string,’ says Terry.
‘All right,’ I say, ‘but be careful. It’s pretty tangly in there.’
Q What is a snake’s favourite subject?
A Hiss-tory.
‘Don’t worry, Andy,’ says Terry. ‘I’ll be really, REALLY careful...’
Q What boy wizard magically grew a beard each night?
A Hairy Potter.
‘Help, Andy!’ says Terry. ‘I’m all tangled up!’
‘If only you’d listened to me,’ I say. ‘I told you to be careful!’
‘I did listen to you and I was careful,’ says Terry. ‘But I got all tangled up anyway.’
‘Well, stop struggling,’ I say, ‘you’re just making it worse. Stay still while I get the emergency detangler.’
I grab the detangler, release the safety catch, point the nozzle at Terry and press the trigger.
Q How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
A Eclipse it.
The detangler has an instant effect.
Every single bit of string, cord, wire, rope and thread is detangled—including Terry’s hair, which has gone all straight and is hanging down over his face.
‘I can’t see!’ says Terry. ‘I can’t see anything! Where has everything gone?!’
‘Calm down,’ I say. ‘It’s just your hair. The detangler has straightened out your curls. Come with me to the giant hairdryer and we’ll have you back to normal in no time.’
Q What is good for a bald head?
A Some hair.
‘Thanks, Andy,’ says Terry. ‘That feels much better!’
‘No problem,’ I say. ‘Did you get the string?’
‘String?’ says Terry. ‘What string?’
‘THE STRING YOU WENT TO THE TANGLED-UP LEVEL TO GET!’ I yell.
‘Oops,’ says Terry. ‘After all the tangling and detangling I kind of forgot. But it doesn’t matter. I think there’s some string in the kitchen drawer.’
‘But if you knew there was string in the kitchen drawer, why didn’t we just get it from there in the first place?’
‘Because I forgot,’ says Terry. ‘I was having a bad hair day, you know.’
Q What sort of table is always in the kitchen?
A A vegetable.
‘Your bad hair happened after you forgot about the string,’ I say.
‘Oh, yeah,’ says Terry. ‘I forgot about that, too.’
I groan.
‘Poor Andy,’ says Terry. ‘You sure are in a lot of pain.’
‘Let’s just go to the kitchen,’ I say.
In the kitchen, Terry opens the third drawer down and pulls out a big ball of string.
‘Open wide, Andy,’ he says.
I open my mouth and Terry ties one end of the string to my sore tooth ...
&nb
sp; and the other end to the handle of our bathroom door.
Q Imagine you are in a room with no doors, windows or anything. How do you get out?
A Stop imagining!
‘Okay,’ says Terry. ‘Here we go. Ready, set... SLAM!’
He slams the door.
Q When is a door not a door?
A When it’s ajar.
Q What lets you walk through walls?
A Doors.
‘Is it out?’ says Terry.
‘No,’ I say. ‘And now I’ve not only got a toothache, I’ve got a headache as well! This is the worst day ever!’
‘Don’t despair,’ says Terry. ‘I think I know another way to do it, but we’re going to need some help.’
‘It better not involve another door,’ I say.
‘No,’ says Terry. ‘Your tooth is too tough for that. It’s going to take a full-scale tug of war to get it out of your head. Come with me to the forest.’
Five minutes later we’re in the forest. Terry has tied me to a tree and assembled a huge tug-of-war team, including Bill the postman, Edward Scooperhands, the Trunkinator and all of Jill’s animals.
Q Why did the scientist put a knocker on her door?
A Because she wanted the No-bell prize.
Q In what sport do winners go backwards and losers go forwards?
A Tug of war.
‘Okay,’ shouts Terry. ‘Here we go! Ready, set... PULL!’
Q What did the dog say to the little child pulling its tail?
A ‘This is the end of me.’
‘Aarghh!’ I scream, as my tooth is torn out of my mouth.
Q What bird is with you at every meal?
A A swallow.
The tug-of-war team, surprised by their sudden victory, lose their grip on the string and all fall backwards in a big heap. My tooth flies upwards, trailing the string behind it...
and is snatched by a passing bird!
‘Hey!’ I say. ‘That stupid bird just snatched my tooth!’
Q What do you call a seagull when it flies over the bay?
A A bagel.
‘That’s not a stupid bird!’ says Jill, peering up at it through her birdwatching binoculars. ‘That’s an extremely rare high-flying, mountain-dwelling worm-snatcher. It must have thought the string was a worm.’
‘If it can’t tell the difference between a bit of string and a worm, then it is a stupid bird,’ I say.
‘We’ve got to get Andy’s tooth back,’ says Terry. ‘We need it for the tooth fairy!’
‘Oh, dear,’ says Jill, still looking through her binoculars. ‘I think that’s going to be a bit difficult because the bird is heading for its nest high on a rocky, snow-covered crag near the top of Mount Everest.’
‘Well, we’ll just have to climb up and get it then, won’t we?’ I say.
Q What is green and pecks on trees?
A Woody the wood pickle.
‘But we can’t climb Mount Everest!’ says Terry. ‘It’s too cold, too high and too hard. Plus, it will take much too long!’
‘I’m not suggesting we climb the mountain,’ I say. ‘We’ll take the stairs. Our never-ending staircase goes pretty close to the nest. We can climb up, jump across and get the tooth—easy!’
‘What are we waiting for then?’ says Terry. ‘Let’s go!’
‘I’ll come, too,’ says Jill. ‘I’ve always wanted to see a high-flying, mountain-dwelling worm-snatcher up close!’
Q Who can jump higher than the highest mountain?
A We can because mountains can’t jump.
CHAPTER 7
UP AND UP AND UP
We go to the never-ending staircase and start climbing. We climb up and up and ...
Q There is a one-storey house where everything is red.?
Q The roof is red, the floor is red, the walls are red...?
Q the couch is red, the kitchen is red, the kitchen table is?
Q red, the chairs are red, the fridge is red, the...?
Q food inside the fridge is red, the calendar on the?
Q wall is red, the clock is red, the knife-block is red...?
Q the knives are red, the forks are red, the spoons are red,?
Q the bedrooms are red, the closets are red, the clothes...?
Q inside them are red—believe it or not, even the dog is red?
Q The carpet is red, the floors are red, the lamps...?
Q are red, the television is red, even the programs on the?
Q television are red, the bathroom is red, the toilet is...?
Q red, the toilet water is red, the toilet brush is red, the?
Q mirrors are red, the basins are red, the taps are red...?
Q the toothbrushes are red, the toothpaste is red, the?
Q bathtub is red, the bath mat is red, the soap is red...?
Q the hallway is red, the air is red, the bookshelves are?
Q red, the books on the bookshelves are red, the pages...?
Q of the books are red, the words are red, the letters are?
Q red, the punctuation marks are red, the bookmarks...?
Q are red, the curtains are red, the dining table is red,?
Q the doorbell is red and even the person who lives there...?
Q is red and the cat is red and the canary is red?
Q and the fish tank is red and the fish in...?
Q the fish tank are red. What colour are the stairs?
A There are no stairs because it’s a one-storey house!.
CHAPTER 8
PEEP! PEEP! PEEP!
‘Are we there yet?’ says Terry (for about the 50 millionth time).
‘Almost,’ I say. ‘Just a few more steps.’
‘Look,’ says Jill. ‘There’s the nest!’
‘Can you see my tooth?’ I say.
‘No,’ says Jill. ‘Just a bunch of the cutest baby birds I’ve ever seen!’
We climb up a few more thousand steps until we are right across from the nest. But there’s a big gap between the staircase and the nest. And a long drop back down to the ground.
‘How are we going to get across?’ says Terry. ‘It’s much too far to jump.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘It didn’t look this far when we were looking up at it from the forest.’
Q Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A In case she got a hole in one.
‘What about your emergency inflatable underpants, Terry?’ says Jill. ‘We could whoosh across in those.’
‘I’m not wearing them,’ he says. ‘They got a puncture when we used them to sail to the desert island in the last book. But I am wearing my emergency inflatable ears.’
‘Are you kidding me?’ I say. ‘Emergency inflatable ears?! That’s the dumbest thing you’ve come up with since the Ninja Snail Training Academy.’
‘Yeah, but my Ninja Snails saved the day,’ says Terry, ‘just like my emergency inflatable ears will. Watch this!’
He takes a deep breath, concentrates hard and then ...
his ears inflate to about a thousand times their normal size!
Q What did the earwig say as it fell off the cliff?
A ‘Ear we go!’
‘See?’ he says. ‘I told you!’
‘You look so cute with big ears,’ says Jill. ‘Just like Dumbo the flying elephant!’
‘Yeah, he looks dumb all right,’ I say. ‘But what use are they?’
‘Well,’ says Terry, ‘they’re flappable and really good for getting from, say, the steps of a never-ending staircase across to, say, a bird’s nest. Climb into my ear and I’ll take us there right now. Everybody ready? Ear we go!’
Terry launches himself from the staircase and starts flapping his ears as fast as he can.
Q How do you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A The door won’t shut.
‘Prepare the cabin for landing,’ says Terry. ‘Please ensure tray tables are closed and seats are upright. Thank you for flying Terry D Earlines.’
‘What tray tables?’ I say. ‘What seats? All I had to sit on was this disgusting lump of ear wax!’
‘Hey!’ says Terry. ‘I heard that!’
Q Why are elephants wrinkled?
A Because they don’t fit on ironing boards.
Terry lands in the nest with a bump and Jill and I fall out of his ears.
We are immediately surrounded by a bunch of noisy baby birds, all pecking at us.
Terry’s emergency inflatable ears don’t stand a chance against the baby birds’ sharp beaks.
‘Hey, those baby birds just popped my ears!’ says Terry.
‘Yes, they’re very pecky,’ says Jill.
‘I hate pecky birds,’ I say. ‘Let’s look for my tooth and get out of here as fast as we can.’
Q What did the balloon say to the pin?