Wrong Kind of Love

by Amanda Heath

  When his lips connect with mine I don’t think, I open my mouth and let him in. His taste is so familiar yet not. His body is something I know from front to back, yet it’s not. “I love you, Kayla. I love you so much it hurts. You hurt me when you left. You hurt me when you fucked my brother. But you’re back now, this is our second chance. Be with me. Please. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving to you that I can take care of you, I will. You are my whole world, you have been since that first night.” He wraps his arms around my waist as tight as possible without pain. His face is buried in my neck and I just start crying. Crying for everything I want and can’t have. I can’t keep doing this to him, to myself, to Jaden. “I felt something that night. It changed me, it made me different. You are it for me, the end, the beginning. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.”

  My hands fist into his hair and I feel my entire body shake from my tears. “We can’t, Caden. It’s not right. You make me someone I don’t want to be. It’s bad for my health. I’ve told you this all before! I can’t keep doing this. I’ll scream it at the top of my lungs until the day I die! Stay away from me please. Please Caden just let me be.” I yell at him and step out of his arms.

  His chest is heaving up and down and I know he’s pissed off. “You aren’t happy! Why would you give up your life and happiness? I understand wanting to protect your brother and yourself, but it’s not that bad. Being with me won’t bring your step-dad back here. And I would protect you anyway. If you think I would let anyone hurt you then you are fucking stupid.” He quickly kisses me on the cheek and heads for the door. “You think on that, Kayla. You think hard and long about what you really want because I’m not going to let you win. You don’t want Jaden and the life he can offer you. And if I thought for one second that’s what you really wanted then I would let you have it. But you don’t.” he stops before looking up and meeting my eyes. His light blue eyes pierce me with their intensity. “You want me.”

  I’m that guy. The one who falls in love with the wrong girl who also happens to have been with my twin brother. And I can’t help but wonder what happened with said brother. We used to be close once. Like really close and it has me all in knots. I miss the Jaden I knew when we were kids. The one who would do anything to protect Teagan and me. That kid doesn’t exist anymore. Now all Jaden is worried about is saving face and getting into the NFL.

  There are more important things in life. I know he’s a good football player, but it’s gotten to the point over the last couple of years, he doesn’t care about anything but football. I realize what happened with Ava was fucked, but he didn’t have to drown in football. I would have been there for him. I would have saved him from himself.

  I know we are both messed up over this girl, but I can’t fucking help it. Kayla’s spit fire attitude, the angelic face, the way she carries herself with such confidence, I want it. I want to surround myself with her. I want to be everything for her, with her. It’s hard to just sit back and watch her be with my brother. I know she wants me and I’m sick of letting her slip by me. I’m going to do the one thing I never thought I would do. I’m going to disregard everyone else’s feelings and go after her.

  I have spent my life doing everything I could for everyone else. Hell, I did so much for Jaden and have never been thanked for it.

  She was gone for two fucking years and the second she showed back up, my love for her was even stronger. I don’t know why and I don’t honestly care. Yeah don’t get me wrong; I’m still so unbelievably pissed. She did some messed up things to me and everyone who cares about her here. But who would I be to say I loved her and then never forgive her? That’s what love is, to be able to forgive them anything. Well maybe not anything, but she didn’t do anything that was that unforgivable.

  It might take me months or years to actually forgive her but I plan working on it. My entire body just wants to be with her. My heart just wants to be with her. She was gone for two years and I still wanted to be with her, each and every day. I wanted to find her but I didn’t know how. I longed for her, wished for her. Then like a ghost she just appeared. There she was and it was like my entire life was complete again. Yeah we have a lot of shit to work through, but that’s also what love is, getting through all the crap.

  If you had asked me three years ago if Ava was everything I wanted, I would have told you yes. Today though, today my answer would be no. I thought I wanted my entire life to be devoted to football and Ava. Then a certain Grace Breadfield walked into my life.

  I’ll admit she threw me for a loop. The sweet naïve girl I thought she was, wouldn’t have been with Caden. This had me intrigued. I thought she was one person but she sometimes acted like someone else. She was this huge mystery and well, I love mysteries.

  So I did what I do best, I got into her business. Maybe it was wrong and maybe I knew I didn’t deserve her, but I did it anyways. She just looked so much like Ava I had to have her. Ava will always be the love of my life, but Grace, she comes pretty damn close.

  It wasn’t hard to get Aiden/David drunk. It wasn’t hard to start asking him questions and then getting him to answer them. He is gay, and I’m a good-looking guy. I knew he had a crush and I used that against him. I feel bad about it, but the one thing about me that saves me and destroys me is my drive. I get what I want, even if I have to play dirty.

  So that is how I find myself opening the door for Grace. I knew she would come to me. I knew she would end up here before long. Whether to punch me, or kiss me, I don’t know. “What a surprise.” I say the second her dark blues meet mine.

  “Yeah I’m sure it is.” She replies starkly. She shoulders past me and enters my apartment. In true Grace fashion, she makes herself comfortable on the couch and glares at me. I can only chuckle before joining her on the couch.

  “What brings you here?” I ask. I want it to be me. I want it to be her feelings for me that bring her here. I’m a selfish man and I’m very used to getting what I want. And I want Grace.

  “I think we need to talk. I don’t really want to talk to you, but I feel as if it’s something that needs to happen.” She rambles looking down at her hands. Sometimes she appears so strong and amazing and other times she appears weak and nervous.

  “I want to know where the hell you’ve been for two years. And I want to know why you left me lying on this very couch naked and alone.” Her entire face flushes and she turns her head away from me. She won’t be able to hide for long.

  “Look, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t mean to lead you on. Everything in my life was falling apart around me. I just wanted to feel close to someone for a little while. I shouldn’t have used you like that.” She pauses and turns her head back towards me. Her eyes meet mine with fire burning through them. “Honestly I shouldn’t have ever been with you. I shouldn’t have been in that relationship because I wasn’t solely with you. My head was all in, my heart wasn’t. I hate to say it to you, but you know. You know how Caden feels about me. And I don’t like what it says about you, that you did something to hurt your brother like that. I get you have to have whatever you want, but he’s your fucking twin. You pretty much ripped his heart out of his chest. I know I had a bigger rip, but still.”

  My heart breaks a little bit more. If I sit and pretend that it doesn’t matter, then I can make myself believe it doesn’t matter. But it does. When you spend your whole life connected at the hip with someone, they deserve better respect then I have shown my brother. But I’m a horrible bastard. “Caden doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t even know how to be in a relationship. You wouldn’t be able to handle him anyway. I’m the easy one. I won’t give you any trouble. And I can take care of you for the rest of your life.”

  Grace rolls her eyes before standing. “Look, I don’t know if I even want to be with Caden. I do know, I don’t want to be with you.” I feel my face flinch without my permission. Grace doesn’t miss it either. “Look, two years ago, you were what I wanted, what I needed. Now
not so much. I’m not a scared seventeen year old anymore. Even if my step-dad found me, he can’t force me to go back. I’m not a minor anymore.

  “I’m sorry that I used you to hide behind. I’m sorry I messed with your life like that. But it was either that or live in fear that I would be discovered. Those six months were wonderful. You made me feel wonderful and cherished. But you never made me feel the way that Caden did. Still does. It’s just not meant to be between us. If I don’t know anything else, I do know that.” She paces back and forth in front of me the whole time.

  I feel my hands clinch the side of the couch. I want to go over to Caden’s place and punch him in the face. This is a common emotion when it comes to my brother. We haven’t fought over anything in years, and right now it’s tearing our family apart. Not that it was ever really together. “Does it not matter what I feel? Does it not matter what you would be doing? You would be tearing apart two brothers. Two twins. Could you live with yourself after that?”

  I see her eyes cloud over with fire. And that’s when her index finger gets rammed into my chest. Hard. “You look here, Jaden Vincent Harper, if anyone came between you and your twin, it was you. You’re the one who said you’d stay away from me. He agreed and he actually did what he said he would, until you went back on your word. Then I was fair game. I might have a made few mistake along the way, but I damn sure know it was you who started it. You and me, we have done some fucked up shit to Caden. I’m going to live with it for the rest of my life, but you will sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. That’s how you work.”

  Her words cut me like knives. Making me feel ashamed of myself. Ever since Ava was no longer in my life, everything around me fell apart. I was a mess and I didn’t care who I hurt. “Yeah but you’re the one who fucked his twin brother after he confessed his love.”

  Her hand comes out and slaps the shit out of me. Then her damn finger is poking me in the chest again. “I want you to understand something, Jaden. I understand that you are hurting. You think you let it go, you think you’re over it. But you aren’t. You are so fucked up on the inside, you don’t even know what you’re doing. You are going to ruin every single relationship that you have. And your twin brother should be the one you cling to the most. Quit hurting him.”

  “You wouldn’t know the first thing about my pain. About how much I hurt. You don’t know anything!” I scream right in her face.

  “I don’t know your brand of pain, you’re right on that. I do know what its like to long for that someone. That someone you love with all your heart. That someone who makes you get up in the morning. I understand why you lash out. I understand why you go do what you do. But I’m here to tell you that you need to stop. Either you get over it, or you go and get her to remember you. I don’t care. I only care about you leaving me alone. We will never be together. We will never have anything. My heart belongs to someone else. And I’m sorry I drug you through this.”

  “Leave.” I say barely above a whisper.

  “Please come out with me tonight! I haven’t seen you in forever!” Teagan whines into the phone.

  I roll my eyes. Going out is the last thing I want to do today. After my fight with Jaden and my feelings for Caden, I just want to veg out in my hotel room. “I’m not feeling all that good tonight, maybe another time.”

  “Oh bullshit. You feel fine. Come out with me! Declan says I can’t go unless I take another girl, and you know you’re the only girlfriend I have.” Every sound Teagan makes is amplified so she must have me on speakerphone. I bet she’s putting on her makeup.

  “Well use tonight to make some more girlfriends.” I suggest smirking into the phone.

  “Oh hell no. I can’t stand no bitches. Besides if you go out with me tonight, we might be able to find a man for you to leave my brother for.”

  I can’t stop myself from laughing now. “What? Why would I want to leave your brother?”

  She huffs this time. “Because he’s an overgrown caveman who needs a good spanking, and not the sexual kind. And he has a horrible attitude. You need someone sweet and gentle like you.” Little does she know I’m not with him anymore. It’s just easier to say that I am. I’ve already been living a lie, why not keep doing it.

  I find my eyes rolling again. “Teag, really though? I’ve been with him for over two years. I think I’m very happy with my relationship.” Lie! I’m going to hell for sure.

  She is silent for a few minutes before she takes a deep breath. “Look, Grace, I know you think you’re happy, but we all know you aren’t. Jaden’s not happy either. I may not really have much to do with him anymore, but I know him and I see him around. He’s not happy either.” She takes a short pause before blurting out, “And Caden’s not happy either. I’m not saying you need to be with Caden because he’s not what you need either.”

  “You have a way of making me want to slap myself.” I say softly into the phone.

  “Yeah well I’m not Teagan if I’m not being blunt. That’s what Declan says anyway.” She giggles. “Look I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything. I’m just trying to make everything better around here.”

  “I know. Since you really have made me feel like crap, I’ll go out with you. I need a drink.”

  I don't know why I let Teagan talk me into coming to this club/bar/whatever. I hate crowds and being surrounded by a lot of sweaty people. I fight my way through them looking for her on the dance floor.

  Until this song came on.

  You ever had that happened to you? One second you're minding your own business and a song comes on and changes your life. It says whatever you're thinking and feeling even if you didn’t know that’s what you were feeling.

  My hips start to sway to the beat of the music. My hands go straight up in the air. My head rocking, my hair going everywhere.

  "Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didn’t need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why..." comes Clarity by Zedd over the places speaker system.

  I feel him with me. His body pressed to me, his arms around my hips. His lips whispering things in my ear, naughty dirty things. Things only Caden would say to me.

  "If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?..." Who ever wrote this song gets it. They get what I'm going through.

  I'm lost in this sea of people, none of them I know. I still feel the ghost of Caden with me. It’s how I know what I'm doing. What pain I'm causing him. What pain I'm causing myself.

  I feel like I need him every time I'm nowhere near him. I wish I didn't. I'm fighting him every time I see him. I don't know why. Our entire relationship was doomed from the beginning yet it fixes me. We are insanity, the way we are together. We shouldn't work but, we do. And I see the clearest when he’s around.

  I feel tears falling down my face as I continue to dance. I sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I don’t care who hears or sees. I need this right now.

  And just like that I feel him. I stop moving and look up. My face is damp and pulled tight. I don’t care who sees, I don’t care who knows. It’s like I finally opened my eyes. I've wasted hours, days, months, years...

  I run through the crowd to him. My Caden. I'm about a foot from touching distance, reaching for his hand when Jaden steps in front of me. I stop automatically and look up into his dark blue eyes. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I never wanted him to begin with. But I don’t. I’m a fucking coward.

  “Don’t go to him. Stay with me.” Jaden whisper yells into my ear. I flinch at what he says. How much longer is he going to fight? Doesn’t he know by now I don’t want him?

  My hands go to his shoulders. I move my face to just in front of his. “I can’t stay with you, Jaden. I love him. You have to let me go.”

  His eyes close and I see the pain cloud over his face. I’ve hurt him and that pain is solely my fault. I led him on. I pretended that I wanted him. I should have stayed away from him. I’ve been
telling myself all along that my love for Caden was wrong. But it wasn’t, what I was doing to Jaden was wrong.

  “Why did you do this to me?” he says with tears in his eyes. This makes my own tears start to run fall my cheeks.

  “I didn’t mean to! I was running, like I always run. Things get too intense and I can’t deal. You were nice, simple, easy. When it comes to fight or flight I would always pick flight. You were my flight for so long. Now it’s time to get up and fight.”

  “What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to move on and let go?” his face betrays all the pain in the world. Everyone may think his skin is thick, that he doesn’t feel much of anything, but he does. That’s what makes Jaden tick. His emotions make him do things he shouldn’t. He was hurting so naturally, everyone around him had to hurt.

  “I don’t know, Jaden. You have to find it in yourself. I’m not going to fix it for you, no matter how hard you want that. You are the only one who can make you better.” I don’t think as I wrap my arms around his shoulders. I squeeze him to me, hoping I can give him even a little comfort.

  I feel Caden come close to my back. My face breaks out into a smile and I know right here, right now, everything is going to work out. Well, until Caden rips me out of Jaden’s arm. I see he hasn’t lost his caveman issues. “How many times am I going to find you with him? How many times are you going to hurt me?” he whispers harshly in my ear.