Three Stages of Love: Attraction

by T. Anthony

  “Alexander—”

  But he didn’t allow me to speak, even though I had no idea how I was going to explain everything.

  “Eat; I can barely stand to look at you so thin. And I have plenty to say for the both of us, so you can remain quiet.” Taking the empty plate in front of me, he began piling on food. I felt nauseated at the thought of eating, but I wasn’t about to anger him, so I pretended to eat by moving the food around on my plate with my fork.

  “Though you’ve done nothing but act like it, you’re not a child. Stop playing with your food.” Alexander’s attentiveness toward me was always on point, but I didn’t appreciate it now like I had previously.

  Managing to put a small piece of egg in my mouth, I struggled to swallow it, seeing as my stomach was shrunken by my nerves. “Can we please talk about all of this? Or are you going to continue to torment me by sitting there motionless and mute?”

  “Torment you? I’m tormenting you? What is it exactly that you would like to discuss? You said all there was to say when you told me you didn’t love me; that to me says that there is nothing more to say. Except for maybe you’d like to explain why you allowed that sick fuck to beat you.” Alexander’s tortured words repeated from our last encounter were delivered with disdain.

  I had unfortunately had three months to dream of him but only moments of sober wakefulness to make a plan of how to win him back. I was at a loss, and there were no apparent words or explanations for my transgressions or my shameful actions.

  “I can see you trying to make a diagram in your head of what scenario or explanation you should lay out, but it’s not going to work. You have no say in this situation; you have lost the right to determine how this should work or plan out how it will work.” Alexander moved his chair closer to me and pressed his elbows onto the table as he leaned closer. “I make the rules now, and you will follow them.”

  He arched his eyebrows, daring me to argue.

  “Silence…good. That’s a good start,” he whispered at me as he relaxed into his chair, and I waited for him to continue.

  And for once, I truly had no plan. I waited to find out my fate, to hear the rules and the obstacles I would have to overcome to be with Alexander. But I had already decided I was willing to do anything.

  “You tore my heart out.” And with that short statement he confirmed that he was not going to make this easy on me. “I purposely kept myself from relationships for this reason. I’ve experienced the worst of death and loss and pain, and I let you into that part of my life, assuring myself that you wouldn’t hurt me. But you did; you hurt me worse than anyone else.” He paused. “And I know that you are sorry for causing that pain. I see that now. I know why you allowed yourself to be punished; and I won’t let you suffer willingly or unwillingly.”

  My eyes swelled with tears as I listened to the wounds I had inflicted on this man that I had lusted after and longed for. I wasn’t myself; I wasn’t this weak, whining, beggar of a victim, but my adoration for him had consumed me.

  Alexander took a sheet from his pants pocket and placed it on the table and then stared deep into me, measuring my current state. He spoke soft but aggressively. “I tried to let you have control. I know that is what you wanted and what you feared losing. But that obviously didn’t work. I’ve known women like you—” He paused, shook his head, and rephrased. “Let me start over. I have known women who had to have control. I have seen what it does. I know that being young and successful you see the world in front of you, but you’re overwhelmed. You take on one thing at a time because everything you do has to be perfect. I get that, but you have got to let it go. I am going to make you let it go. And I won’t let you do that to us—not anymore.” Alexander paused, painstakingly trembling as he released his devotion. “So, seeing as you have shown an interest in alternative lifestyles and the like, I did a bit of research while you slept, in an attempt to understand the woman before me. Evangeline, I fought to forget you. I tried to find contentment and ecstasy elsewhere, but I remained unsatisfied. You, on the other hand, have chosen to feel pain to make up for your loss. And with that, you made me realize that you’ve never known loss in your life until recently. Your experiences have led you to be the cynical but soulful woman you are now. Tainted by past relationships, you are fearful of having to sacrifice your successes for your desires.” Alexander paused and took a breath. “I have decided that a relationship between us won’t work.”

  The gasp that came out of me was hopeless and raw. I had heard the words, but I refused to believe this was the end. “Please don’t—”

  But he wouldn’t let me object. “Quiet,” he barked, “I’m not finished. I will tell you when you can speak; you’ve done enough speaking for a lifetime.” He adjusted himself in his chair and continued, “Like I was saying, a relationship can’t work the way you want it to work. You won’t allow yourself to enjoy the obvious love that exists within you because you fear the unknown of what’s to come. I won’t lie; I didn’t come up with this on my own. I found an article online, by chance one night when I first left for LA. It described the three stages of love and how couples move from one point of a relationship to another, and those who can’t move past the stages…Well, those relationships don’t thrive.”

  I listened intently to Alexander as he reiterated the information found in some article about love and the stages that exist within relationships. Stage one was lust: where two people are driven by sexual desire or a chemically induced physical desire for each other—which would clearly explain my involuntary orgasms any time I saw, thought of, or smelled Alexander when we first met.

  “We have to move past the lust if we want to move forward. The lust definitely doesn’t have to end, but it has to be that plus more. But the problem here, my dear, is that you will never allow yourself to willingly give up control, and we will never be more than this—a torment to each other emotionally—and it will be the only gratification we can ultimately find. So it seems like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

  Alexander was more than correct. As much as I wanted to lose control with Alexander, I could never easily give it up, unless I was forced to.

  And that is where Alexander found our answer.

  “You’ve mentioned it before, in your ranting of sexual likes and dislikes and practices and your recent delusional experience with your psycho friend; but have you actually looked into BDSM and the basis behind the foundation of it?” Alexander asked the question with real interest, and though I was slightly confused at what he was getting at, I was stimulated.

  “I know basics about the dom/sub understanding’s of rules and safe words and such, but not much more. I’ve never practiced it before Michael. I could never”—and realizing I was confirming his assumptions of my controlling nature, I took a deep breath and lowered my head in defeat—“give up control. And in all my past failed relationships, I had so much control; they could never satisfy me.”

  Alexander smiled at my pronouncement; it was the first smile that had graced his lips since we were reunited, and it was blissful to watch: his lips were now bloodred, and a flush of color returned to his cheeks. He was pleased. “Good. Step one: admitting the problem. We may make progress yet! So, my conclusion of needing to restructure our relationship in order to keep us together and sane led me to creating my own set of rules for you to follow.”

  Alexander spoke very calmly, but what he was saying, the insinuation of a dominant/submissive relationship, was worrisome for me, especially after what had just happened. The expectations of being able to give up complete control was an issue; though the consequences of desirable punishment held definite enticement with Alexander.

  “What kinds of rules?” I asked softly, turning my gaze into a pouty stare—one that was sultry—as I listened to the judgment of a punishment or grounding and prepared to plead for mercy.

  Alexander, with his fingertips, pushed the paper on the table until it was directly in front of me; it was white
printer paper, perfectly typed and formatted. The content was lengthy, and without reading the full document, the few words that stood out were: Contract, Dominant, Submissive, Evangeline Chase, and Alexander Mason.

  Alexander’s hand came over the paper, covering it almost entirely with his large palm. “You are not to read this now. You’ve been through hell, and I know you want me. You spent the night moaning my name and writhing in your sheets. I don’t want you to make a decision based on filling a need. There is a higher purpose for this contract: I can’t lose you again, and you don’t want to lose me. So with a clear mind and an open heart, I want you to read, word for word, the contract that I prepared for us. And I will leave you to decide. And if you do decide to accept it, you must commit to it; you must give it a chance or say good-bye to me forever.”

  And as he said forever, my lungs failed to function, and my heart tried to keep up with the blood that coursed through my veins, but it was devastating.

  “Where are you going?” I asked as Alexander stood and began dressing.

  Alexander responded with a stern conviction. “I have to leave. I need you to fully understand that your lust cannot be part of the reason to move forward. Lust subsides and reality sets in. I need you to be fully aware and to completely comprehend and accept what I am proposing. And if you cannot, I don’t want to be here to be tormented by you sending me away again.”

  I remained sitting but grabbed his hand and held it to my cheek, praying that this could actually work, hoping that what I was about to read wasn’t a deal breaker. “Please don’t leave. Stay with me,” I begged.

  But he shook his head no. “You will know what to do once you’ve read the contract, should you decide to sign it.”

  He pulled his hand out from my grip and walked toward my front door.

  “Alexander,” I called, causing him to pause before he could leave. “I…I didn’t have sex with him or anyone—since you.” I felt like though we had been apart, I needed him to know that there hadn’t been another person to take his place.

  Alexander nodded. “I believe you. But had you just had sex with him, it may have been easier to digest than what he actually did to you.”

  And there he left me alone to read my life’s options.

  Love Contract

  I, Evangeline Chase, with a free mind and an open heart, do request of Alexander Mason that he accept the submission of my will unto his and to take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him use of my time, talents, and abilities.

  Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that, as my master, he accept the keeping of my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. To achieve this, he may have unfettered use of my body any time, any place, in front of anyone, to keep or to give away, as he will determine.

  I ask that we guide each other in all sexual, sensual, or scene-related behavior, both together with and separate from him in such a way as to further my growth as a person.

  I request of Alexander Mason, as my master, that he use the power vested in his role to mold and shape me, assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being, and that he continue to help me to develop my emotional and intellectual abilities.

  In return, I agree:

  **I will reside with my master and will fall into slumber and awake to the dawn in his arms from here on in.

  To obey his commands to the best of my ability.

  To strive to overcome feelings of fear, guilt, or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve him and limit my growth as his partner.

  To maintain honest and open communication.

  To reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.

  To inform him of wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.

  To allow him to shower me with gifts no matter how lavish and to accept them willingly and without repayment.

  To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals.

  To work with him to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual. To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.

  My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person and will in no way diminish my own responsibilities toward making utmost use of my potential. In recognition of my family obligations, I will strive to see more of and be there for my friends and family, recognizing that what they do is out of love and for my benefit.

  This I, Evangeline Chase, do entreat, with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, and devotion in which it is given. Should either of us find that our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of this agreement. We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and lovers. Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer to the other his or her reasons and to assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of our relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consensual dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.

  I offer my consent to submission to Alexander Mason, under the terms stated above on this the 2nd day of October in the year 2012.

  ____________________________

  Signature of Submissive

  I offer my acceptance of submission by Evangeline Chase under the terms stated above on this the 2nd day of October in the year 2012.

  ____________________________

  Signature of Dominant

  I don’t know how much time passed, or how slowly I read each word, or how many times I had read the contract wholly—but I was in shock. I had never seen a contract between a dominant and a submissive, and I don’t know what I expected but, this was nothing like I would have imagined.

  This contract wasn’t for the sole benefit of the dominant, nor did it have anything to do with inflicting pain; it was for the growth and benefit of the couple as a whole—the sexual, personal, and emotional growth of the dominant and submissive. I was struck by worship for Alexander and for what he had presented to me: unconditional love in an unconventional way.

  Alexander was right; I knew what I had to do.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “Miss Chase, oh my eyes have never been so happy to see such a sight, and what a sight you are!” Brant embraced me tightly and affectionately. “Alexander is waiting for you in the kitchen. You are just in time; I’ve set the table for dinner.”

  But as I moved into the foyer, I couldn’t understand how he knew, why Alexander was waiting for me, and how had I been on time for dinner. How could he have known that I would come to him?

  “How long are you going to stand there with your questions? If I wasn’t so attracted to your intelligence, I would have added a line about stopping you from thinking all the time; it seems to always be the cause for our dinner getting cold. Come, sit.” And there he was, my master, prepared to take control of my mind, body, and soul.

  “Well, I’m just glad that there is at least one thing that you don’t want to change about me,” I added before moving toward the table.

  But just then Alexander stopped me. “You still don’t get it. Not one of those rules is about changing you. It’s about turning your fear into cour
age. You will see what I see in you—in time.” Alexander pressed his lips to my forehead, giving me the first endearing kiss I’d had from him in months.

  He pulled out a chair for me and pushed me closer to the table, first placing a napkin in my lap and then doing the same as he sat beside me.

  “So, you must have questions,” he prompted.

  “Now, you know I always have questions,” I returned sarcastically, but Alexander found no amusement in it. “I’m sorry, I…Well, first, how did you know I’d come here?”

  Alexander placed both my hands in his, and he held them securely. “Because I see in your eyes the love that I feel in my heart; and though it frightens you, you’ve suffered from the desire to seize and grow that love, just as I have. That’s how I knew you would come to me. But what I don’t know is: did you sign the contract?”

  “No, I did not,” I responded sharply.

  Alexander’s shoulders fell and his back slumped into the chair. The hurt that consumed his expression was heartbreaking.

  “Don’t make that face. There is a place for signature for us both. One for me offering my submission to you as my dominant, and another for you to accept my submission.” I made it clear to him that I fully understood the letter he had given me. “The way I see it, the contract’s purpose is to acknowledge an equal understanding of our attraction for each other and a common desire to see this relationship reach new levels of ecstasy, respect, and love.”

  Alexander remained silent, presumably in awe of my acknowledgment and acceptance of this new stage in our lives.

  “Losing you gave me the realization that I don’t want to be without you. The emotions and elation I felt when I was with you was unlike anything I had ever felt before. It is something that I do not wish to receive from anyone else but you. The pain that Michael caused me was nothing compared to how I pained from having sent you away. But it made me forget; it made me blank.” I reached across the table and held his hands as he had done to me a moment earlier, tightening my grip as I expressed that which he longed to hear and I feared to admit. “I am drawn to you in a way beyond any friendship or lust; I desire your total protection and your unconditional love. You have become my ideal, and I am ready and willing to do anything for you.”