Flirting With Magick

by Bennett, Leigh

  I let him lay me down on his bed and closed my eyes as his lips crushed against mine. Sex with Sean was the complete opposite of our respectable and wholesome dating. He made me feel like a novice again as he flipped me around on the bed, not a woman with more than one sexual partner in the past. His expertise, coupled with the sheer relief that my celibacy was ending, ensured I didn’t have long to wait, and I felt the primal need to be vocal. “Oh my God! Sco–! SEAN!” I bit my lip. Fear rushed through me straight after the sweet release. I covered my face with my hands in what I hoped he would see as purely a resigned move, hoping he had not noticed that I had almost called him Scott.

  “Hey, are you alright?” He asked, gently lifting my hands off my face. He was smiling contentedly. “Wow! That was pretty fucking amazing!”

  “I’m fine,” I answered, comforted he hadn’t detected my slip-up. “That was pretty amazing fucking.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I ABSENTMINDEDLY ANSWERED the phone while Dianne sat on my couch, chuckling over a little joke she had made.

  "Hi, Abby." Familiar gravelly voice. Josh. Shit. I cursed myself for becoming complacent, losing concentration, and not screening the call.

  "Hi, Josh." I could at least be polite. "What can I do for you?" As if I didn’t know.

  "Listen, Abby. Could you please meet with me just one time? Hear me out, and then I'll leave you alone. I promise."

  I sighed loudly into the receiver. There was a mixture of fear and comfort at the sound of his voice. So far I had been protected by not having to see him, knowing that he was gone the moment I hung up the phone. It would be different if I saw him. I knew that deep down, I still cared enough to need to hear him out, and was worried that if I laid eyes on him, he would only have to say the right things and Sean would be history. Yes, avoidance was my favourite coping mechanism. “I don't think that would be a good idea, Josh."

  I looked over at Di, knowing she had heard. "Are you okay?" she mouthed. I nodded as Josh kept talking.

  "Just for a coffee. You name the time and place. Just hear me out then you can hit me, scream at me, leave after a couple of minutes... whatever you want to do. And if you really want me out of your life, I won't bother you anymore." He obviously wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. He really would keep calling me until I agreed to meet with him. It would be easier to just get it over with.

  I let out another loud sigh.

  "Okay." I answered, defeated. We arranged to meet the following morning at a cafe around the corner from my flat. I hung up feeling slightly better, knowing that I was doing the right thing, and slightly afraid of how I was going to react upon seeing him.

  "So you're finally going to see him? Do you want some moral support?" Di looked concernedly at me.

  "No thanks." I picked up my tea and, realising I could no longer stomach it, tipped it down the sink. "Just keep your phone on in case I need to vent afterwards or have a cry."

  "Do you think he wants you back?”

  "I don't know. I guess it makes it easier now that I can tell him I’m seeing someone."

  "Can you do me a favour when you see him?"

  "What's that?"

  "Give him a kick in the head for me."

  I loved how Di always managed to make me laugh when something was bothering me, and how she never judged—only supported me in whatever decision I made. All I could muster right now, however, was a small smile.

  "So..." I could tell she was trying to change the subject. What a sweetie. "Are you going to tell Sean?”

  ***

  His familiar silhouette was in the window. Typical, just like Josh to sit where he could see me coming. As I had expected, and before I could change my mind, he looked up and saw me, giving me a wave. I felt his eyes on me as I entered the cafe, his gaze turning to trepidation as I approached the table. He stood up, placing an awkward kiss on my cheek, and politely offered me the other seat.

  "Thanks for coming, Abs," he said shyly, now hardly looking at me, before clearing his throat. "How are you?"

  "I'm fine." I caught my voice losing the confident abruptness I’d been practicing. I signalled to the waiter and ordered a latte—something that could be finished quickly so I could get out of there. I wasn’t about to indulge in any long, friendly breakfasts with Josh.

  His eyes were red rimmed with grey bags underneath, as though he hadn't had much sleep in some time. He took a deep breath, and I prepared myself for his speech.

  "I'm really sorry, Abby, for leaving like that." He swallowed. "I'm not going to expect you to take me back, but I will do anything to make it up to you."

  I quickly took his pause to speak. "You never told me why you left."

  He looked down into his cup before meeting my eyes again. "I got scared. And this opportunity came up, and I just took it."

  "Scared?” I didn’t understand. “Scared of what? Of me? Of us?"

  "All that." He took a sip of his espresso and appeared to relax, now that it was clear I wasn’t going to cause a scene or throw my drink in his face.

  I sucked in my breath. Here he was right in front of me, and I was beginning to feel the way I had been dreading. I’d missed the way he looked at me; the way his hair stood up, reminding me of how I used to run my hand along it; and his broad shoulders carrying his muscular arms, which used to hold me as we lay in bed together. One look at him and, frustratingly, all my fantasies about yelling at him and telling him I never wanted to see him again had dissipated into the electrically charged air between us. I tried not to look at him, as each time I stole a glance all my emotions were in danger of brimming to the surface. Thankfully, he took my lack of eye contact for contempt.

  “I meant it when I said I still loved you.” His voice was as low as his gaze.

  "I'm seeing someone." I blurted out.

  “I was wondering about that,” he said calmly, though a wounded expression flashed briefly across his face. “I kind of expected that you probably were by now, and that I’d be too late.”

  “Josh, whether it had been a month ago or six months ago...” I shook my head. “You can’t expect us to just be able to pick up where we left off.” I resisted the enormous urge to squeeze his hand as he looked at me sadly by trying to focus on how much he hurt me.

  He nodded slowly, “I understand, Ab,” then stared into his empty cup. “I’m just grateful that you finally decided to talk to me. I know I don’t deserve it.”

  This time I did gently take hold of his hand. “I really would like it if we could be civil, Josh, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be friends just yet.” A part of me wanted to let him know that I still loved him in a way, even though I was fairly certain I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Another part, maybe out of faithfulness to new possibilities with Sean, or perhaps because of my desire to make Josh sweat for the hurt he had caused me, didn’t want him to know. "Where are you staying?"

  "At Troy's for now."

  I did my best impression of a block of ice as he hugged me before leaving. "Thanks for coming to see me."

  I nodded, then turned, and left.

  Kate drove into the complex just as I got to the bottom of the stairs. "Did you just get home?" she asked.

  "I just saw Josh." I explained.

  She grimaced. "How'd it go? I hope you told him about Sean."

  "Of course I did."

  "Well, that's good." she replied, as I walked with her up to her flat. "I think the best thing you can do is move on with Sean. Josh doesn't deserve the time of day, and as for Scott... well..." she trailed off.

  She was doing that 'not looking at me' thing again. "What is it?" I asked her, following her into her kitchen.

  "Just promise me you've moved on with Sean now."

  "Okay."

  "You don't have feelings for Scott?"

  "No." I felt a twitch in my face that betrayed my words.

  "At the gig last night, there was a woman there."

  "Okay..." Stay stoic.

  "She
was all over him. And he didn't seem to mind at all. They just kind of looked..." She glanced wildly around the room in an attempt to focus everywhere but at me.

  "Oh?" I raised my eyebrows in what I hoped was a dismissive gesture. Think of Sean, think of Sean. Fuck it, think of Josh.

  "Apparently, she's some TV bigshot. Carolyn something. Luke said they were seeing each other." She finally met my eyes. Pityingly. "I'm sorry... anyway, fuck him."

  "It's fine," I replied, smiling. Stay stoic, think of Sean. And Josh if it helps.

  "I've moved on... He's found someone he obviously likes." I backed towards the door. "I've gotta go and call Sean; he's coming over tonight."

  As I walked out on to the balcony, not wanting Kate to see that my heart had been startlingly but completely crushed by her news, I sucked in my breath and grasped the rail. I told myself over and over again, ‘don’t cry... don’t cry. He’s not worth it.’ But the devastating truth wouldn't move from my mind: It wasn't that Scott didn't want a relationship; he just didn't want one with me.

  Healing Bath for a

  Broken Heart

  Rose essential oil (for love)

  Sandlewood essential oil (for healing)

  Lavender essential oil (for happiness)

  Carrier oil such as olive or sweet almond oil

  Epsom Salts (purification and releasing of negativity)

  Place a few drops of each essential oil in some carrier oil and tip into the bath along with the salts.

  Whilst soaking, allow all your negative feelings that go with heartbreak to surface. Once they have all come through, acknowledge them, but tell yourself they are no longer of any use and let them be released into the purifying salt bath. Give your body a good scrub, which will aid in getting rid of the negative energies that surround you.

  Get out and empty the bath, saying goodbye to the energies, whilst feeling them being replaced by love, healing, and happiness from the sweetly scented essential oils that have remained on your skin. Thank the universe.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  MY HEAD RESTED in my hand, and I gazed inattentively at the monitor. Peeking above the screen, I saw Sean happily chatting on the phone, his laughter fracturing the dull drone of the office. Eight weeks and counting, though we were still keeping our relationship to ourselves. We spent each day in the office keeping a professional distance, then after work (on the nights he wasn’t being weird) cuddling in front of the TV, spending the night together, then leaving separately for work in the morning. I wasn’t in love with him, far from it, but he was certainly helping me keep my mind off a certain ex-boyfriend and a certain musician.

  The phone was down now, and he was heading towards my desk with a mischievous look in his eye. He snuck a glance towards Bronwyn’s office to check the coast was clear, before leaning close to whisper in my ear, still maintaining a professional distance. “Can’t wait for tonight.”

  I hid a smile before setting him with my most serious look. “I need the details of your Henderson account so I can create the invoice.”

  “Not a problem.” He grinned back before returning to his workstation.

  ***

  “I notice you and Sean are still a bit friendly.” Pippa kept her eyes on her work while I sat at Laura’s vacant desk, going over the accounts before leaving that afternoon.

  I feigned nonchalance. “We’ve just been hanging out, that’s all. You know that.”

  She leaned in closer to me and whispered, “Just be careful. There’s someone here who might think you’re shagging her boyfriend."

  The heat rose to my face as I tried to swallow her words before I realised and laughed. “Has someone here got a crush on him?” I immediately thought of Janey, one of the other account managers, a quiet girl who always seemed to be at a loss for words when Sean spoke to her. Or perhaps Louise, one of the young account assistants, who always turned up to work in the most inappropriately short skirts and flirted wildly with Sean. Something I had recently learned to laugh off.

  “No.” Pippa said flatly, finally turning to look at me. “I only found out after Bronwyn got back that she and Sean have been together pretty much since he started here, except maybe they broke up for a bit. So it wasn't Ray at all. You and he are pretty chummy. He’s never said anything to you?”

  I mustered all the best acting techniques I could. “No, he’s never mentioned it. But I guess it’s his business, and he’s never had a reason to.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "How do you know?" I made sure I only sounded interested for gossip's sake.

  Pippa flipped through her papers. "One of our clients told me she saw them together last week."

  "It could have been a work thing," I suggested hopefully, even though there was that familiar sinking feeling setting in. Strangely, it wasn’t as crushing as finding out about Scott, but still, my stomach felt like it had been punched-– hard.

  "They were making out. People who are just work colleagues don't usually make out," Pippa confirmed.

  I bent down to the bottom drawer of Laura's filing cabinet and rifled through the folders, if only so that Pippa didn’t see the flush of humiliation burning my face. Some colleagues do make out, I thought sadly. And apparently, by the sounds of it, some make out with more than others.

  Pippa lowered her voice. "Bron and Sean don't know that I know, though, so don't say anything, will you?"

  "No, of course not." I leaned back in my chair, still careful not to face her, and stole a quick glance out the accounts room window into the main office. Sean was leaning casually over a partition screen, laughing at something on David’s computer.

  ***

  “Sean, what’s going on?” I stood in his doorway, my stomach still in a twist. Everything was beginning to make sense. Bronwyn’s cattiness towards me, Sean’s weird mood swings, the nights I couldn’t get a hold of him and his subsequent evasiveness. “When were you planning on telling me that I was the other woman?”

  “Who told you?” His swift admission was like a punch to my face. I had been expecting some denial at least.

  “It doesn’t matter.” I shook my head before turning and storming away, not looking back. “Don’t ever speak to me again!”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  PULLING INTO THE DRIVE-THROUGH, I ordered the biggest, greasiest meal on the menu. There was still over an hour before I got to my parents' house, and the loud music I’d been playing was doing nothing to keep my mind off the last few weeks, especially the high rotation of one of Reckless Choice’s newly released songs. It was one that I knew quite well from their live performances, and every time it played, I couldn’t help but picture Scott’s effortless bass playing and thinking about how his nimble fingers moved on the strings, which eventually led to me thinking about his fingers moving on me. Then came the heavily sagging disappointment at the realisation that they were most likely moving on someone else. How stupid of me to forget to charge my iPod.

  Here I was on a week away to get over Sean, and it had become all the more apparent that I wasn’t yet over Scott. Of course, Sean’s betrayal hurt, but it was the part of me that had kept my emotions at a distance from him that I was grateful for now. It turned out I was more angry with myself than upset with him. As much as I had liked him, I didn’t have the overwhelming heartbreak I had felt after Josh left, or even the enormous sense of loss I had experienced when I called things off with Scott. Right now, I just wanted some time away to be alone.

  I shoved a handful of chips into my mouth and changed the radio to an ‘oldies’ station, tapping along to The Beatles as I carried on with my journey.

  Mum greeted me at the door before I had a chance to knock. “Hello, darling.” She pulled me into a bear hug before stepping back to take me by the shoulders and look at me, the way mothers do. “Bloody men, hey.” I nodded and let my head fall onto her shoulder. “Cup of tea?”

  The first week back in my old house dissolved into a blur of sleep, coffee, wine, and more sleep, with a healthy meal occasionally thr
own in. I wandered listlessly to the local supermarket to buy more chips, chocolate, and wine, barely noticing the friendly ‘hellos’ from old school acquaintances whose names I couldn’t remember. I wore no makeup, mooched about in tracksuit pants, and breathed in the clean, fresh air. I sat on the top of a hill overlooking the town, like I used to do when I was younger, and just got lost in my thoughts.

  Why I should be single:

  It's just easier

  I don't need a partner

  I wanted to say something really trite, like getting to know oneself, but that would be bullshit. I thought I’d just go with the first two.

  My phone rang, interrupting my deep and meaningful conversation with myself. It was most likely my mother asking me to bring home dinner.

  "Hey." Gravelly voice. Oh my God!

  "Josh?"

  "How are you?"

  "I'm fine; I'm on holidays." I needlessly informed him.

  "Oh really? Where?"

  Fiji. "My old place - Mum and Dad's." Why didn't I just say Fiji?

  "Oh, um I heard what happened. I'm sorry." Of course he would know. Dianne probably told Troy. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

  "Thanks." I answered, too late to hide the inflection of defense in my voice. "I'm fine."

  "I'm not trying to step in or anything. I'm ringing as a friend." Josh had obviously caught my guarded tone.

  "I have enough friends, Josh," I replied, then softened my tone, "But thank you."

  "Are you near a landline? Can I call you at your mum and dad's?"

  "Okay. I'm not there now, but it would be nice to chat I guess. You've still got the number?" Why was I doing this?

  "Yes, I'll ring you tonight."

  "Okay."

  I hung up and thought of why I should stay single. Yes, it was definitely easier. No, I didn’t need a boyfriend. But I supposed having another friend wouldn’t hurt.

  Spell to Banish Anger and Hurt