Goodbye To Tomorrow

by Theresa Hodge

  “Nice to meet you, Mr. I Am Ill, and Going to Die Soon. That’s it in a nutshell.” I copied his style and gave him a fake serious look that made the tip of his lip tilt up in a slight smile. “You are cheating! It’s always funnier when the joke is spoken for the first time and you are using the same joke twice,” he protested.

  “Maybe I am not good at following the rules,” I quipped trying my best to remain upbeat for my patient.

  “Don’t lie to me,” he realized that I was joking.

  “Come on, this is your last chance, use it wisely,” I dared him.

  “I am rich, I am ill and my love life sucks,” He said honestly.

  “Hey, just play this game, after all, you are the one to come up with the rules,” I reminded him.

  “Okay. I made my fortune on my own because I didn’t like using my family’s name or fortune. I didn’t like being a brat who just spent time buying all the latest sports cars and going to parties. I started my company and it had a huge success. There wasn’t a person prouder than me of that… I used to go out often; I had a lot of girls hanging around. Money and muscle attracts women. He was speaking, and I realized that he wasn’t going in the direction he had wanted from the start.

  Jiraiya paused, leaned back on his elbows and looked up at the night’s star filled sky. I was at a loss for words. My eyes burned as I fought off the hint of tears building behind my lids.

  “I am sorry, you don’t need to listen to my babble,” he apologized.

  “No, I want to know everything about you," I told him, though I’d stopped listening from the very moment I heard ‘a lot of girls’.

  He continued. “I thought Gracen was different. Not just that she was prettier than all of the others, she was smarter. Conversations with her were engaging and I found myself thinking about her all the time,” he continued to talk, and I listened. It was painful to hear him talk about Gracen, but I let him finish what he had started.

  I clasped my hands on my lap and sighed wistfully.

  “I don’t think that I’ll ever meet another woman like her,” he added.

  “Maybe that’s the point. When you have a bad experience, you try not to repeat it, but you don’t give up because of that experience," I couldn’t help but give my input.

  A minute of silence passed when I said those words. Maybe I crossed the line? After all, he was my ‘boss’ and I was just a mere employee who was failing at her job.

  “Are you ready to leave?” He asked breaking the silence and I just nodded. The ride home was spent in gloomy silence. I was afraid to say anything, and he was thinking about who knows what. Just let's get home; that was the only thought in my head. I did not want to think about Gracen. How could anyone like me compete with perfection like that?

  “Here we are," Jiraiya informed me when we arrived at his home.

  "Did you enjoy the latter part of tonight?” He questioned.

  “I had a pretty good evening,” I replied because I knew, deep down those were the words he wanted to hear.

  “Yes, me too. Thank you for being a good listener. Most of my friends wouldn’t understand what I’m going through,” he responded with a sardonic grin on his mouth.

  “May I open the door for you?” He asked just as I reached for the door handle.

  “I nodded and yanked my hand away from the door, as he got out and walked around to open my door.

  “Thank you,” I softly spoke.

  “No problem,” he responded, and started towards the front door of the house attached to his parents’ property. I wondered what his real home looked like—the home he lived in before he became ill.

  I walked silently beside him. He unlocked the door and entered the house; it was exactly as we had left it several hours ago. I took quick steps, wanting only to get to my bedroom and be alone.

  “Good night, Jiraiya. If you need anything, buzz me,” I said and closed the door to my room, not waiting for a response and not looking back. Finally, alone in my room, I was able to take off the stupid dress and shed the tears I had been holding inside for the better part of the night. The tears were rolling down my cheeks and if someone asked me why I was crying, I probably wouldn’t be able to answer. My ego was hurt, but my heart was more pained. Somehow, I managed to close my eyes and fall into a troubled slumber…

  Chapter 11

  Jiraiya

  The other girls

  I was confused. Something weird was going on with my nurse but I wasn’t able to tell what was bothering her. While I was taking a shower and later when my tired body was on the bed, I thought about the events of the evening. Karine had on a moderately expensive dress and was in a good restaurant, but she seemed unhappy. Maybe it was because she hated being with me but didn’t know how to tell me. I know I am ill, but I am still good looking, and could charm the panties off any woman...if I set my mind to it. Why did Karine seem different than other women? I have dated other black women before, but none compared to the timid sweetness of Karine.

  I felt myself getting hard at the thought of how she licked her lips to savor the wine. I tried to deny her sexy curvy body beneath her ordinary clothing, but it was getting harder to do that each day. No, of course, I didn’t want something with her. She’s just my nurse, but her behavior excited me in a weird way, and made me want to know her intimately.

  I think of the women I’ve dated. They were dazzled with the places I took them and the things I bought them. Karine didn’t seem to be. Why wasn’t she impressed? Why was she different? I didn’t have an answer to that question, so I just continued to think about this caramel-colored woman until I fell asleep.

  *****

  “Good morning!” A soft voice was trying to wake me up, while the rays of the sun peeped through the slit in the draperies. “It’s morning already,” I murmured, not wanting to be woke, but open my eyes anyway.

  “Your breakfast is ready,” the voice continued to tease me with the promise of food, but my appetite wasn’t much improved from the days, and weeks before.

  “Good morning,” I finally answered as I opened my eyes.

  “Here is your breakfast,” she said as she put the tray on my lap. “I hope you eat more than you did yesterday. You must try to eat more so your meds don’t irritate your stomach,” Karine warned.

  “I will try, but I am not fully dressed,” I cautioned her but that wasn’t needed because of the fact that I didn’t have a shirt on and she was more than conscious of that fact, yet her reaction stayed the same.

  “Be careful, it’s still hot,” she said, completely ignoring what I had just said, like she doesn’t even care if I’m naked. That fact was hurting my ego.

  “Thank you, Karine,” I replied. Surprisingly I was curious about the fact that she wasn’t even excited to see a half-naked man.

  “If you don’t need anything else, I’ll be in the kitchen."

  “No!” I shouted, not believing what I was doing.

  “What’s wrong?” She quickly turned and gave a look of concern. I felt bad for causing the furrow between her brows to appear, but I felt the need for her to remain by my side.

  “Uhh, nothing is wrong. I just wanted to ask you...do you want to go out for a bit after breakfast?” Karine gave a few seconds of pause before she finally nodded and said yes.

  “Sure, call me when you’re ready to go out. I’m going to clean up the kitchen, while you finish your breakfast and get dressed. Don’t forget to take your meds,” she added pointing to the pills that were lined up in a pill box on my breakfast tray. She gave me a sweet smile and walked away. Suddenly, I felt like eating. I dove into my breakfast with more gusto that I’ve felt in a while.

  I finished eating most of the meal on my plate and got up from the bed. I walked over and looked at myself in the mirror. What was happening to me? Without an answer again; I just returned to take my medication, lest I would have to deal with the wrath of Karine. The thought made me smile as I walked to the closet and opened the door. I took the
first items which my hands touched, put them on my bed and went to take a shower. Why is she looking at me like I am not a man at all? That question was in my head while I was tried to understand her. Once I was dressed, I walked over to my bedroom door to call out to her.

  "Karine!" My voice broke the silence of the morning.

  "Yes?" She answered and came into my view the very moment I called her.

  "Are you ready?"

  "Sure, let's go, but where are we going?" She asked.

  "What about the lake again?" I asked, trying to come up with a better place but all of them were expensive. All of them were able to make other women smile, all of the other women but not her. A pleased expression appeared on her face.

  "Okay, let's go," she agreed.

  While we were in the car and on our way to the desired location, Karine remained silent. Soon, we got to the lake and took the same position as last night. The water of the lake shone in the daylight, reflecting the sun that was still making its way across the sky.

  "Why are you so quiet, and what are you thinking about?" I asked her to try to break the silence that had gathered around us.

  "I’m just enjoying the scenery, that’s all. I’m not thinking about anything. Why do you ask?"

  "Well, your boss made you join him at the lake to look at the water or whatever people do near the lake. Maybe you didn’t want to come out or maybe you are angry about something I did or didn’t do. Are you?" I asked her.

  "No, you are paying me to work for you," she answered with a little smile on her face. “Although, what I’m doing now is far from work.”

  I laughed so hard that I surprised even myself. She has such a smart mouth and a quirky sense of humor, and I love it.

  "Maybe I should give you a raise," I suggested.

  "Are you buying my company, boss man?" She asked, saying the 'boss man' with a different accent.

  "Are you denying the fact you like that offer?" I answered her question with another one and, a few seconds after that, we were roaring. I laughed even harder when she snorted.

  “Karine, did I just hear you snort?”

  “So, what if you did?” She glared at me but soon doubled over in laughter again.

  “Well, I think it’s cute,” I responded and gazed into her brown eyes. A silence thick as fog hung between us. My eyes trailed down to her lips, just as her pink tongue darted out to swipe against her bottom lip. I felt a tightening in my pants at once. I tore my gaze away and spoke to cancel the silence that hung between us.

  "I like this place. Can we play last night’s game again?" I asked without realizing that I wanted to dig deeper into Karine’s brain.

  "Well..." She muttered. “I’m not a fan of talking about myself a lot.”

  "Come on! Why not? Let's get to know more about each other," I urged her with a grin.

  "Okay. Let's play your game," she said and nodded. I could tell by the doubtful look on her face, she still thought this wasn’t a good idea.

  "Why don't you trust in love?" I asked directly.

  "Next question, please.” She followed my tactics in avoiding my query.

  "Okay if you don't want to answer a question, then you'll spend the whole day with me doing anything of my choosing," I said while my heart was beating faster than it should.

  "But..." She tried to say something, but I was faster.

  "Your boss gave you a choice, that's a lot more than most bosses do; they just say what they want you to do. Can you see how I am better?" I asked, even though that was a rhetorical question.

  "I can see that! So, if you're playing you will be the person to answer the first question," she said, smoothly turning the game in her favor.

  "What did you like to do in the mornings on your off days before I came to work for you?" She asked me.

  "I used to love making love, and cuddling with Gracen in the mornings," I admitted honestly.”

  "To cuddle?" She repeated.

  "Yes, I am a touchy-feely kind of a man; I just want the attention and love. And I adore, literally adore, to cuddle and have someone by my side," I said and stopped talking because I really missed that feeling.

  “Tell me, what do you like doing in the mornings?" I asked her the same question and she smiled.

  "I like to be alone. The time in the morning is my time, I like to drink my coffee slowly, read the news, sit alone and simply give myself enough time to prepare for the duties which come with the day," she explained.

  "You don't like being cuddled in the mornings?" I was surprised.

  "No, I don't, but that’s probably because I don’t have anyone to cuddle with,” she sighed.

  "And at night? What do you like doing at night?" I just wanted her to talk about herself. The sound of her voice soothed me, and even made me forget my fate for a while.

  "Again, to be alone and take a rest from an exhausting day’s work," she said.

  "You are boring, Karine" I told her.

  "Maybe but at least I know who I am. Can you say the same?" She answered and put me in an unpleasant situation.

  "I don't know how to answer that," I said honestly. “I used to know who I was before I was before the leukemia, but now I am not so sure.

  "So, don't say a lot of things when you're not able to answer the simplest question,” she responded, showing me who the boss here is really.

  "Why don't you believe in love?" I asked her, wanting to know the answer so badly. She wasn't as flawless beautiful like Gracen, but she made up for it with personality and inner beauty. Karine wasn’t unique, she wasn’t a college graduate, but she was smarter than any other woman I had an opportunity to speak with. She was still in a class by herself.

  "I'll spend the day with you. I won’t answer your question," she said with a stubborn pout to her full lips.

  "But--" I started to say but she cut me short.

  "I don't care. You said that if I spend the whole day with you doing anything you want to do, I won't need to answer every question you asked," she reminded me, and I couldn't do anything nod. She had her facts right.

  "Okay. Just one more question. How come you're not attending college or something?" I asked, not understanding why a smart girl didn’t take advantage of the asset that could make her lots of money.

  "I was facing a rough time. I had to work and help take care of my dad. He was gravely ill. He died, and now it’s just me and Mom living together, and she is… Well, she is different than the rest of the mothers. I feel that I am the mother at times. My sister Amber finally stepped up. Mom is with her and her husband while I’m here working for you.”

  "I’m sorry about your dad, and I’m also sorry about whatever issues you are going through with your mom. The newspaper is how you found out about the advertisement, right?" I asked changing the subject when I noted the sad look lurking in the depths of her brown gaze.

  "Yes, like I said, I love reading the news. Your ad just caught my attention and I saw something which could change my whole perspective, and the pay offered was a lot more than I was making at the coffee shop or even the hospital before then." She was honest, and I was listening to her without interrupting.

  "I saw the opportunity for a new beginning," Karine added, and I was able to feel the pain which was hiding below the surface of her words.

  "Why was college not a new beginning for you?" I couldn't help but ask, feeling sorry for her.

  "Because it's not that easy when you don't have money and when a lot of things are happening in your life. I am—I don’t know," her voice trailed off. “I guess I’m just messed up.

  "All of us are messed up to a point. Take me for instance. Money can’t buy the health that I seek, I'll die in less than a year even though I am richer than eighty-five percent of the working men and women in this country," I said slowly, trying not to hurt her more than she has already been.

  "Yes, that's the truth. I don't like your games, you know. It's a sad excuse to ask people weird questions," she whispered while it was
obvious how hard the conversation had hit her.

  "You know, what is the best way to forget everything?" I asked her while my inner voice was shouting at me that I was crazy.

  "No, tell me," she said and shook her head.

  "Having fun. So, Karine, let's have some fun. Let's drink, talk, do whatever we want today!" I said and smiled, teasing her to accept my offer.

  "But your medicines," she started but I already knew that it was coming, and I was ready for it.

  "Only for today," I said.

  “I really need to be the responsible one. Your parents’ will—"

  “Hell Karine. I’m a grown man. I don’t need my parents’ permission to have a drink. I wasn't a lush before, and I won't drink anything else alcoholic after today. One day won’t kill me, I promise you," I said while her eyes were focused on me.

  "Where will we go this early to drink?" She asked.

  "What do you think? Where is the best place for having fun?" I asked her, wanting to hear her opinions.

  "The club?" She asked, not being quite sure of her answer.

  "The club." I accepted that.

  "When?" She asked.

  "If not now then when?" I asked and smiled.

  "But the clubs open only at night," she gasped.

  "Not when you own it. The club will work when I want it to work." I said, feeling amazing about this idea.

  "You own a club?" She asked confused.

  "I own a lot of things, Karine," I said, I couldn't help but feel proud at how amazed she was or at least that's what I thought.

  "The news said clubs were a bad investment," she stated.

  "It's quite the opposite; the clubs are making so much money." I tried to save my ego and still feel special, but she simply didn't want to lose so easily.

  "Show me your club then," she said and gave me a saucy grin.

  "Let's go," I winked at her and, managed to say. After a few seconds, we were in the car, driving to my club.

  *****

  Karine

  This idea was crazy. Instead of taking care of him, I was pushing him into a deep hole of sin. Why then was I feeling so good? Maybe, because one day with him was bringing me a lot of fun. God, I hated myself for being so weak in front of him. I knew that this idea was wrong, but I wasn't able to change it because I wasn't controlling my voice. He said that everything would be okay, and I believed him.