Goodbye To Tomorrow

by Theresa Hodge

  “Girl, what do you mean you haven’t talked to him about it? It’s either he’s the one for you or he isn’t. Get your game straight, Karine. Because I am getting a feeling that this guy is playing with you.”

  “He’s not that type of person, Nadia. So, cut him some slack, will you?” I said even though what my best friend was saying might be true.

  “I will cut him some slack once he’s proven to me that he’s actually interested in you and not just wanting to get his dick wet with you while he thinks about his ex.”

  “I am sure he’s not just interested in sex with me, Nadia,” I said even though I was really not sure.

  “Well, I hope not!” my best friend exclaimed.

  “Anyway, after that he asked me if I was doing anything tonight." I paused and looked at Nadia's face to see what she thought of that before I continued. "He asked me to come over to his place for dinner. Guess what? He wants to cook dinner for me,” I declared, excited about where tonight could lead.

  “That’s a start,” Nadia blurted out in a cool toned voice.

  Chapter 14

  Karine

  Call the doctor

  Things had improved between Jiraiya and me. He was so sweet, and I loved every single day with him. The pains had returned, only more so. It made him act callously sometimes. At those times I just blamed it on the pain, but this particular night was different.

  I had been in my room, going through the arrangement of his medication for the next day when I heard a knock on the door. I walked to the door, opened it and was surprised to see Jiraiya's father. He completely ignored me, walking straight down the hallway into Jiraiya's room before I could stop him.

  I thought he was going to wake Jiraiya who was, by my calculations, fast asleep. The sudden sound of crashing bottles had me running for the bedroom door. It was obvious that Jiraiya was drunk.

  “Get the fuck out!” Jiraiya’s slurred words reached me just before Mr. Sampson slammed the door in my face. I walked towards my room, shocked and amazed by my drunken patient. I stopped at the kitchen to grab a bottle of when I heard Jiraiya’s father’s voice call out to me.

  “Miss Banks, call the doctor at once!” Sampson Sr. came out of Jiraiya’s room with a terrified expression on his face.

  “What’s happened?” I asked but he had returned to Jiraiya's room.

  I was terrified. My heart started beat faster. I jumped into motion as I fought off sheer panic. I called the doctor.

  About fifteen minutes after making the call, the emergency team arrived.

  I rushed to Jiraiya’s side as the paramedics tried to stabilize him. I was looking at his face; his eyes were closed. I climbed into the ambulance and we sped to the hospital.

  “Why the hell didn’t you keep a closer eye on my son?" His father asked me while we sat in the waiting room. Mrs. Sampson had joined us, sobbing into her husband’s chest.

  “But…” I tried to say something but quickly decided against it. I just closed my mouth.

  “Alcohol is forbidden to him. You knew that, right?” He asked me pointedly.

  “I did.” I said, not caring about my job because I was at a loss for words. I had no idea that Jiraiya had alcohol in the house, no less was drinking. I was still here just because I cared about Jiraiya. Deeply.

  “Consider your employment terminated. I was against hiring you in the first place. Jiraiya wouldn’t fire you, but I will,” he said to me, visibly angry at Jiraiya’s decision.

  “I am sorry Sir,” I said, trying to come up with anything better but that simply wasn’t happening.

  “That’s enough, Honey,” Mrs. Sampson said as she looked at me with tear-filled eyes. “I...,” she started to say but her words were cut off as we heard footsteps coming our way.

  The doctor spoke to us; saying the words I had feared hearing. He told us that Jiraiya’s condition had become worse and that he would have to remain in the hospital for proper treatment.

  “Get out of here, now,” Mr. Sampson turned on me in a rage. His commanding tone made me jump with panic.

  “I don’t want to,” I said, trying not to shout, trying not to say how much I hated myself and how this was my entire fault.

  “What?” He asked.

  “Maybe he’ll want to see me. I need to be here for him,” I said.

  “His mother and I are his family. Who the hell are you?” He asked, his eyes filled with both hate and worry. Mrs. Sampson remained silent, her shoulders heaving with sobs. This was their only son, and he was fighting for his life.

  The doctor brought an abrupt end to our conversation.

  “Jiraiya is calling for Karine. Is that you, young lady?” The doctor asked, looking at me.

  I nodded.

  “Come this way,” he directed me, and I went with him, leaving Jiraiya’s father spewing malicious words as I walked away.

  The room was white and Jiraiya was lying on the hospital bed.

  “Are you okay?” I asked rushing to his side.

  “No,” he grunted as if in pain.

  Minutes of silence followed…

  “Why?” I bluntly asked.

  “Alcohol and morphine,” he whispered.

  “Morphine?” I gasped, not understanding.

  “Yes. Nobody knew. I couldn’t cope, so I did what I had to do to manage.”

  “Oh my God, Jiraiya,” I covered my face with my hands to hide the tears. You need professional help. Not me,” I whispered. “No wonder your father said what he did.

  “What did he say, Karine? If he hurt you, I will...”

  “No, don’t,” I said to Jiraiya. “Your father is right. I’m not a real nurse.”

  “Don’t be crazy. I need you here with me. My health is getting worse. My father does not understand that I’ll die soon, and my wishes are all that matters,” he explained.

  “But you seemed okay.” I whispered while I could not hide the sadness in my voice.

  “I’ll never be okay,” he replied.

  “I am sorry,” I repeated.

  “For what now?” He asked, not understanding my point.

  “For not being able to take care of you. Maybe your father is right. I am not the proper person for this job,” I continued.

  “Don’t be crazy. I moved from my home and cut back on work. I gave up everything and moved to a house on my parent’s property. I needed someone by my side; I don’t care that you’re not a qualified nurse. You are still qualified to take care of my heart. Your companionship, that’s what I want,” he whispered, further explaining himself to me.

  “But...,” I started.

  “There is no ‘but’. I need you, Karine. Do you understand how terrible it is when everyone gives up on you?” His eyes were misty. My heart shattered some more.

  “Oh, Jiraiya!” I whispered.

  “The people I thought would never let me go were the first to give up. You can’t do the same to me, Karine. Do you hear me? You can’t do the same to me!” reached out for my hand; I had no choice but to place my hand into his.

  “I am not giving up on you, not in a million years,” I stated as hot tears slid down my cheeks.

  “You left me once before,” he accused.

  “But how…?” I felt my heart skip a beat and my face became flushed.

  “You really thought that I’d forget everything. No, Karine, I may have been a little drunk that day at the club, but I wasn’t totally out of it,” he said.

  “But you were...,” I started again…

  “It’s not important what was, it’s important what is now.” He said looking in my eyes.

  “And what is now?” I asked.

  “Now you should say that you won’t go just because it’s hard.” His eyes were focused on me, waiting to see my reaction. I could see he was afraid that I, too, would leave him and go away.

  “I won’t leave you," I whispered, and he tugged me with his hand to hug me as I laid my head against his chest. I closed my eyes to listen to his heartbeat
. God please! My heart cried out.

  “Don’t forget your words, Karine. Don’t forget what you said to me,” he whispered while I was able to feel how hurt he was, how painful all of this was to him.

  Money, education, a person’s status in life can’t buy everything, which was the thought passing through my head while we embraced.

  “Last night you said…” I started but he didn’t let me finish.

  “It’s not important what I said, I need you Karine and I need you now and always,” he confessed.

  “I need you too.”

  “And I will be here for you as long as I can,” he replied.

  “Will you?” I asked tears in my eyes

  “Damn it! I need more time. I..,” he started to say.

  “Don’t hurt me, Jiraiya. I have had enough hurt in my life."

  “I won’t,” he promised, and I just continued to hug him while the seconds turned into minutes, and my love for Jiraiya turned into a promise of forever.

  *****

  Jiraiya

  Since the last flare-up, I haven’t been able to walk a great distance...I’m just too weak. Chemotherapy was taking its toll. Like Bob Marley said, “Money can’t buy you life.”

  Karine was always there by my side. The promise she gave me was here, floating around us every time we were together, and I was holding on to that like my life depended on that. Because it did.

  Karine was afraid; probably because she had been so close to her father who she lost to illness. Now, she is going through something similar with me, but she was trying to hide the fact from me, not wanting to make me feel bad.

  Scared. She was scared, and I understood why. When you're connected with a person who will die soon it’s hard to be rational. You know the future. My future is just a ground around my coffin. My future died the very moment I was diagnosed. She didn't trust in love, but she trusted in me and that was enough.

  "Are you cold?" She asked.

  "Don’t hover as if I am a child." I replied with a smile on my face.

  "You are; you are worse than a child," she replied covering my lap with a soft blanket.

  "No, I’m not. And I am not cold. Is this too heavy for you?" I asked.

  "No, the chair has wheels," she quipped.

  "Okay, Smarty Pants. I have thought through the whole situation concerning your job," I added turning serious.

  "I still think that you should find someone who has more experience in this situation," she spoke with brutal honesty.

  "Why don't you earn that experience?" I asked her.

  "I am one step ahead of you, Sir. Yesterday while you were sleeping, I went to the library. I was reading about leukemia," she said.

  "Well, I didn't expect that." I replied, being more than surprised. I was speaking of something along the lines of you going to college.”

  "I have been thinking of that too. I will make you a deal, Jiraiya Sampson.”

  What kind of deal Karine Banks?”

  “When, not if, you beat this thing...I promise to go to college and become a registered nurse.”

  “But...”

  “Deal or no deal, Jiraiya,” her voice was serious.

  "Okay, deal...." I focused on those two words. “But if something happens and I can’t keep my part of the deal...,” my voice trailed off.

  "Sorry, I didn't mean...," she tried to apologize but it wasn't needed after all, she was trying to get me to fight and not give up. I loved her even more for it.

  "Yes, it's not a question of will this happen; the right question is when it will happen." I said in a low tone.

  "But you can use that time in the best way! I mean, how many people can say that this woman is spending time with them?" She was joking, just to make me smile and she did. Hell yeah, she did.

  "You're special to me," I said while a smile with a smile forming on my lips.

  "You make me feel special," she replied focusing on my eyes.

  "Maybe I want to repeat something," I said slowly.

  "What?" She didn't understand, so I slowly touched her hand, moving her in front of me and slowly making her sit on my lap.

  "I...," she started to say.

  "Hush." I whispered and let my lips mesh with hers.

  "We can't," she started again.

  "Who is going to forbid us?" I asked while my lips were teasing her with small kisses on her neck.

  That was the moment when her hands were in my hair, pulling me closer to her, offering herself to me, to kiss her wherever I wanted. I slowly stood up from the chair and put the blanket on the ground of the backyard where we were. She started to tease me while I was unbuttoning my shirt. The tips of her fingers were on my body and all I wanted was her. Completely present and completely with her, that's who I was.

  Ignoring the pain, I wanted to make her happy and to show her how good it can be when both people are ready to please each other. I was her first.... The fact that she had allowed me that day, not knowing that she was a virgin had dawned on me the very moment that day came back to me in clear revelation.

  Her first time wasn't romantic as she probably had dreamed it to be, but I'll make every other time better. While my lips were getting lower and lower on her warm body, my fingers were taking off her shirt. Her eyes were closed, her smile showed the joy she was feeling, and I was happy to be the source of that joy.

  Just one look at her body was able to completely turn me on. Her body was perfectly proportioned and made just for me. I couldn't believe that I hadn't realized that earlier.

  "Your body is driving me crazy," I whispered in her ear and then bit her earlobe, teasing her even more while my hands were roaming freely on her body, making her hotter than she already was.

  In a few seconds she was completely naked, sitting on the blanket and slowly pushing me on her body, taking off my jeans.

  "Show me how much you love me," I whispered in her ear.

  "I'll show you that I cherish you," she said softly.

  "I want to show you how much I adore you," I couldn't help but say.

  "Kiss me," she crooned and prevented the rest of the conversation by kissing my lips and slowly touching my lower lip with her tongue.

  She's still insecure, I told myself and promised that I would change that somehow, but today, today the time was ours. My hands went lower down her neck, slowly touching her breasts while her eyes were closed, feeling my every movement. I touched her thighs and kissed them slowly, giving her a lot of pleasure. Was I okay? No, my whole body was hurting, and every move was pins and needles.

  Did that make me stop? Hell no. The explosion of feelings hit me after I heard how she reached the place where she was barely controlling her voice. We came together, lying in each other’s embrace.

  "That was..." She started to say.

  "Amazing." I finished her sentence and kissed her slowly.

  "How are you?"

  "Better than ever." I lied to her; my muscles were screaming in pain. "I am happy." She said, and I smiled.

  "I am happy too, Karine." It was painful to look at her and lie, but she would be worried if I told her the truth.

  "Let's go." I said to her and slowly put clothes back on my body while she was looking at me with a naughty facial expression.

  "Come on, Darling, you don't want to continue teasing me or you'll spend the rest of the day here on the floor. Tomorrow too, if you don’t watch your step,” I said. I could see that my words were just turning her on more, but she giggled and stood up, following my example and getting dressed.

  I returned to my chair and we entered the house.

  "I'll take a nap now." I said to her and went to my room.

  The very moment I closed the doors of my room, I collapsed to the ground, struggling to breathe. I opened the cupboard and took the morphine. The only way to hide my pain, the only way to be with Karine. The relaxation came immediately, and I took a deep sigh. I was lying in my bed, thinking about our first time. Yes, I was drunk and yes, I told Kar
ine that I loved her even though those words weren't meant for her at that moment.

  It's hard to forget the people who betrayed you but now when I am making love to Karine, in my mind it's only her. All I wanted, all I needed, everything was Karine. I promised, again, that I wouldn't hurt her ever again. The time I had left on earth is the time I will use to make her happy. I put the syringe in the trash and closed my eyes, feeling better.

  Chapter 15

  Karine

  Falling Hair

  I was reading the book about leukemia while he was sleeping. My mind was struggling to remember all the information. After all, I am the one taking care of him. I decided to go and buy healthier food; Jiraiya needs to take greater care of his nutrition.

  A smile was on my face because I was trying my best to help him. I put the book aside and decided to take a shower. While disrobing I noticed a lot of hair on my clothing. It was his hair.

  "What’s all this?" I asked myself, even though I was alone in the room. “Why haven’t I noticed this before?”

  Yes, my hands had been in his hair. Was it possible that I pulled it so hard that this happened? No, it wasn't. I sat on the floor and took time to think about the situation. I loved him.... The tears were rolling down my cheeks; I took a deep sigh and went to Jiraiya's room. Softly, I knocked.

  "Yes?" His voice made me smile.

  I opened the doors, went in and stood near him.

  "I just want a hug." I said opening my arms, ready to hold him.

  "You are like a little girl." He said and smiled while his arms were around me, pulling me closer.

  I tried touching his hair, but his hands moved mine away.

  "Don't..." He said.

  I took a deep sigh.

  "I know, Jiraiya." I said, while my hands moved to his cheeks, holding him softly.

  "How?" He asked, being confused.

  "In the bathroom...it fell on my clothes." I replied.

  A trail of tears rolled down his cheek.