I collided with the wall on the opposite side of the hallway.
I was breathing hard.
Jason started down the hallway again.
I went after him. “Jason, what are you doing?”
Even though it was obvious what he was doing. He was going to kill himself.
Jason went around another bend in the hall.
I scrambled after him. It was dark down this hallway. There were no windows. I couldn’t even see him.
His voice came out of the darkness. “Go away, Azazel.”
“No,” I said. I put my hands out, feeling through the blackness, hoping to find him.
I didn’t find anything.
“Jason, you can’t shoot yourself,” I said.
“Like hell I can’t,” he said darkly.
The gun had the leaves in it, and the leaves took away any power he might have. If he shot himself in the head with the leaves, then there would be no way to save him. He’d be gone. Dead.
“Baby,” I said, my voice cracking. “You can’t do that. I need you.”
Silence.
I continued to feel around for him, moving further down the hallway. “You didn’t mean to do that to Hallam, Jason. It was an accident.”
Nothing.
“You can’t blame yourself for that,” I said.
“There’s a lot I can blame myself for.”
Well, I guessed that was true. But… “I know. I know that. But you still can’t shoot yourself.”
“Because you need me. You need someone who’s disgusting and horrific.”
“Yes,” I said. “I do. Jason, I love you.”
“We fight all the time,” he said. “You don’t love me. I love you, but I’m bad for you. You’d be better off without me. I’m no good for anyone.”
“That’s not true.” I kept walking, my hands outstretched. “Jason, we’ve been through all this before. You and I, we’re different. We’ve been through things. It’s changed us.”
“That doesn’t bring people back from the dead, Azazel.”
“I know that,” I said.
“We don’t deserve to live.”
I collided with the wall. I felt along it and kept moving forward. “Maybe not. But that’s not how things work. People don’t always get what they deserve.”
“But I could. I could get what I deserve and make it so no one else died at my hand. I could stop this, Azazel.”
“I need you.”
“You don’t know the way they looked at me,” he said. “The girls. The way they begged me.”
And then I found him. My outstretched hand found his upper arm. I seized him by the sleeve and tugged us close. “Jason, I know what you are. I’ve always known.”
“A monster,” he said.
“No,” I said. “The man who saves me. The man who keeps me alive.”
“While getting everyone else close to you killed.”
“That’s not your fault. Not all of it is our fault. We had to become the kind of people we are. We had to do it because we had to survive.”
“I shouldn’t have survived.”
“You should,” I said. “You will.”
“Azazel, after everything I’ve done—”
“So, you’re Ted Bundy,” I said. “I don’t care, Jason. I don’t care what you do. I will never stop loving you, do you understand that? It’s always been that way between us. Time after time, I’ve discovered that you are so close to me that you’re the other part of me, and that I don’t want to be away from you. I want you, Jason Wodden. I need you. I won’t let you go. Now give me the damned gun.”
* * *
I had the gun in my pocket—the bullets unloaded. I was walking back down the hall with my hand in Jason’s. I was crying.
“Zaza,” called Jude’s voice.
“What?” I called back.
“You anywhere near a window?”
I jerked Jason with me to the nearest window and peered outside.
The driveway was full of cop cars, their lights flashing blue. “Jesus Christ,” I said.
Jude appeared around a bend in the hallway. “It’s Imri. He’s here. He’s somehow got all those cops working for him.”
“So he is manipulating the cops,” said Jason.
“They want you,” said Jude. “They want the baby.”
Jason’s jaw twitched. “We need to leave.”
“Leave?” said Jude.
Jason nodded. “We’ll sneak out the back, through the neighbor’s yard.”
“But we won’t have a car,” I said.
“We’ll get one,” said Jason. “Azazel, you need to go and pack clothes for everyone. Jude, we’ll need food. I doubt Marlena’s in any mood to focus on things like that.”
“Me too?” said Jude. “You want me to come?”
“All of us,” said Jason. “No one gets left behind. We don’t lose anyone else, got it?”
I nodded. “What about you?”
“I’m going to—”
“No,” said a voice.
We all turned.
Marlena was standing at the end of the hallway, Kenya clinging to one of her hands, Chance to the other. Marlena was covered in blood.
Hallam’s blood.
Jason’s voice trembled. “Marlena—”
“No,” she said. “Don’t talk, Jason.”
“He didn’t mean it,” I said.
She shook her head. “Let’s not talk about it.” She lifted her chin. “I’m not going anywhere. You said that no one gets left behind, but I’m staying behind.”
“Marlena, what if Imri—”
“He’ll see that you aren’t here, and he’ll go after you,” said Marlena.
“He might hurt you,” said Jason. “I couldn’t let—”
“He won’t,” said Marlena. She smiled tightly. “He’ll focus on you and forget all about me, and Kenya and I will get away. You might not remember this about me, Jason, but I’m pretty tough. And I think I taught you a thing or two about shooting myself, didn’t I? Remember you and me, when we were younger, hitting the cans on the railroad tracks?”
Jason looked down at his feet and nodded.
“You were like my kid brother, you know?” she said. “And because of that, I’m going to help you run. I’m going to create a big commotion, and I’m going to help you get away. But after that, Jason?”
He swallowed, raising his eyes to meet hers.
Her voice was soft, barely louder than a whisper, but fierce. “Don’t ever come back. I don’t want to see you again.”
“Marlena,” I said, shocked.
“You either,” she said. “You two are a curse.”
* * *
We could hear the sound of Marlena yelling that no one was coming into the mansion without her permission as we pushed through the hedges at the back of the yard.
Jude went first, Chance right behind him, then me. Jason brought up the rear.
Marlena was waiting for a signal from us—three gun shots in the air—letting her know we had a car and we were clear. Then she’d let the police into the house. She was convinced that once Imri saw that Jason and I were gone, he’d give chase.
She was even going to help him out, saying there had been a fight, that Hallam was a casualty, and that she thought she knew where we were going.
Of course, she was going to tell him to look in the wrong places.
“Faster,” Jason whispered at my back.
I recognized his tone. It was in-charge, no-nonsense Jason. I’d seen him for the first time on the streets of Bramford when we were running from Ms. Campbell and the other Satanists. I trusted him.
We went faster.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
~jason~
I poked the campfire, trying to urge the new log I’d thrown on to catch flame.
Jude sat down next to me. “She’s fine.”
He was talking about Marlena. We’d stolen a car and gotten away last night, but there hadn’t been any chance
to check on Marlena. We’d driven through the night, the three adults taking turns while Chance slept in the back.
Now somewhere in upstate New York, we’d stopped to buy some tents and gear and were going to camp out here for a few days until we figured out a more permanent solution.
“You spoke to her?” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “She told me that it went just like she said. Imri and the guys ran off after us right away and left her behind. She and Kenya are long gone from the mansion by now, but she wouldn’t say where they were. She says she’s ditching the phone she’s got now, so I won’t be able to get in touch with her again.”
“And you? You got rid of the phone after you used it, right?”
“I did. Dismantled it and threw it out.”
“Good.” I poked the fire again. “So, she’s still pissed?”
“Pissed?” said Jude. “I don’t know if that’s the right word.”
“What word would you use?”
“Devastated, I guess,” said Jude.
“Because of what I did.”
“Look, it was an accident,” said Jude.
“I got upset,” I said. “I was upset, and I was playing with that gun and—”
“I knocked on the door,” said Jude. “That’s what made you jump.” He shrugged. “Maybe it’s my fault.”
Man. Wouldn’t it be nice to blame Jude for that? Wouldn’t that make everything easier?
He hung his head. “Hallam was… a good guy.”
“He was like a brother to me,” I muttered.
Jude lifted his face to look at me, his eyebrows raised.
“I didn’t mean—”
“I know what you meant.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “We can’t think about it. We don’t have the luxury.”
I gazed into the fire. I couldn’t help but think about everything that Hallam and I had been through together. He couldn’t be gone, and it couldn’t be my fault. My chest tightened.
“Hey,” said Jude.
I turned to him.
“We need to focus on keeping Azazel and the baby safe now. That’s the priority.” He got up and wandered away to look in on Azazel, who was inside one of the tents, still asleep.
She’d taken one of the last driving shifts last night, and I knew she needed some rest.
Jude was right. Grieving wasn’t the priority right now. Staying alive was.
The log I’d thrown on was starting to catch fire.
I looked around the little camping area. “Hey, Chance.”
He turned. “What?”
“Don’t go off into the woods. I told you to stay where I could see you.”
“I wasn’t going into the woods.” He sounded like his old self, annoyed with me for telling him what to do.
A smile stole over my face, despite everything.
That was the crazy thing about life, I’d found. No matter how dire things were, life kept going. It was amazing how maddeningly normal everything seemed after everything had just fallen apart.
Chance wandered over to me. “Daddy, can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure, buddy.”
“You’re going to say that I’m too little, but I think that’s why I need one.”
“Need what?”
“A gun.” Chance gave me a look that was way too mature and serious for a seven-year-old.
I shook my head. “No. No way.”
“I knew you were going to say that. But Daddy, I need one, because it’s the only way I can protect myself or Zaza or the baby.”
“I’ll protect you guys,” I said.
“But you could die,” said Chance.
I sighed. “Chance, you don’t know how to use a gun. You’d hurt yourself.”
After all, I’d been using guns for practically my whole life, and I’d just accidentally shot someone. Did I want Chance to have a gun? Not particularly.
“So, you can teach me how to use it,” he said. “Zaza told me that you taught her how to shoot.”
Great. Thank you so much, Azazel, for saying that. “I don’t think so, Chance.”
His shoulders slumped.
I poked the fire again. The fire didn’t need poking, but I didn’t have anything else to do.
What if Chance was right? What if I did die?
I’d been about five minutes from shuffling myself off the mortal coil just the night before, after all.
And that wasn’t like me. I’d been through a lot of shit, and I’d done a lot of really bad stuff. I didn’t even know how many people I’d killed throughout my lifetime. There was a point in time where it all started to blur. No one mattered then.
But even when I’d been feeling the guilt of that really hard, I hadn’t considered offing myself.
Something about Hallam being gone made me feel hopeless.
Hallam had been with me through so much.
I hadn’t meant to kill him, but suddenly, it seemed like he was the last in a long line of people that seemed to disappear around me—whether from my own hand or from various situations I ended up involved in.
I’d looked down at Hallam lying there, bleeding and dead, and his death seemed like the last straw.
I’d wanted out.
I’d thought I could get out, too.
I’d really thought I’d go up there, stick the gun in my mouth, blow my head off, and fall out the window.
The end.
Lights out.
But Azazel was right. People needed me.
I watched my son. I’d never wanted him to know what it was like to have to hurt people. I’d wanted him safe from violence—from people hurting him and from his having to hurt them back.
I couldn’t control the world, however.
Violence followed me wherever I went.
And Chance was right. I might die.
I pulled out the pistol I was carrying. “Okay, buddy, come here.”
He raised his eyebrows. “What?”
I took the clip out and handed it to him. “First lesson. It’s not a toy. You don’t play with it. It’s a tool, all right? And it’s dangerous. So, you respect it.”
He nodded slowly.
* * *
~azazel~
“Did you see how many I hit, Zaza?” asked Chance, grinning at me.
“I did,” I said. “You did very well.”
He smiled.
“Chance,” Jason said. “Do not point that at her.”
Chance lowered the gun to his side. “Sorry.”
I smiled. “It’s okay. I see you have the safety on.”
“Safety on or not,” said Jason, “you don’t point a gun at someone you don’t intend to shoot. Just because you point doesn’t mean you have to shoot, but if you aim, you’re prepared to fire.”
Chance nodded seriously. “Right.”
“That’s enough for today,” said Jason, ruffling his son’s hair.
“Jude’s roasting hot dogs for dinner,” I told him. “You want to go help?”
Chance handed the gun to his father, handle first. “I like hot dogs.”
“Well, go give him a hand,” I said. “Your dad and I will be up in a minute.”
“Okay,” said Chance. He took off running towards the camp fire.
Jason ran his hand through his hair. “You know, if I’d just followed my own advice, Hallam would be alive. Maybe he’d even be here with us.”
I touched his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
He looked away. “You ever think that maybe we reap what we sow, Azazel?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, after everything we’ve done, we’ll never be safe again. We’ll never have a good life. We’ll always be in danger from one thing or the other. And everyone around us will always die.”
I moved my hand. I wasn’t sure what to say. “You okay with that gun? You’re not going to slip off someplace and finish what you started, are you?”
He turned to me. “No. I lost it for a little bit back the
re, but I’m not going to kill myself.”
“You know it wasn’t your fault what happened to Hallam.”
“Still done, though, isn’t it? Doesn’t matter whose fault it is.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that either.
“I have to stay alive and make sure you’re safe,” he said. “Make sure Chance is.”
I nodded. “Yeah. That’s what we have to do, babe. We have to save each other. Like we always have.” I leaned close and pressed my lips against his cheek.
He caught my chin with his fingers and kissed my lips.
I closed my eyes.
He rested his forehead against mine. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“And I won’t let anything happen to you.” I caressed his cheek. “You’re teaching Chance to shoot. I know you never wanted to have to do that.”
“Things didn’t work out quite the way I wanted them to,” said Jason. He kissed my forehead and released me.
“I think it’s good,” I said. “It’ll help Chance feel less afraid.”
He nodded. “Kid’s a natural. Did you see that?”
“I did. He’s pretty amazing.”
“He took to it like a duck to water. It was like he’d always been using a gun. He breathes into it like the pistol is an extension of his body.” Jason looked proud.
“That’s good,” I said.
He shrugged. “I don’t know what it is. I wish he didn’t have to be good at it. You know?”
* * *
Jude had hot dog sticks propped up over the fire. He was telling Chance about how they needed to be rotated to cook evenly, but not to do it too often. He saw Jason and I come up to the fire.
“Zaza,” he said. “You’re awake.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I guess I slept awhile, huh?”
“You feeling okay?” he asked. “You don’t seem to be having morning sickness or anything.”
I considered. “Yeah, I guess that’s better than it was. The doctor did say that in the second trimester, it would let up a bit.” I looked at Jason. “I haven’t been throwing up, have I?”
“Not that I remember,” he said.
We all stared into the fire, no one saying anything.
It was deadly quiet, no sound but the crackling of the wood as it burned.
I thought about everything that had happened over the past few days, all the death, all the agony.
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