Marie Ferrarella

by A Doctor's Secret

  “Sounds good,” he acknowledged, right behind her. He glanced into the cabinet as she opened the double doors. “What do you have?”

  Tania stepped back and turned around to give him a better view. Which was her mistake. Her body brushed against his. Instantly her pulse quickened. Breath caught in her throat, she turned her face up to his.

  Jesse didn’t need more of an invitation. Ever so lightly, he framed her face with his hands and brought his mouth down to hers again.

  Something exploded inside of her. Something fierce and overpowering.

  Her breath came in quick snatches as her head began to spin. One thought throbbed in her brain. Quickly, this had to be done quickly.

  Before she could think.

  Before she could remember.

  Her mouth still sealed to his, Tania urgently pushed his jacket from his shoulders, tugging the sleeves down his arms. She needed to hurry, to go as fast as she could in order to outrace instincts bent on stopping her. On protecting her from the very thing she found herself craving and wanting.

  Without any warning, Jesse felt as if he suddenly had a whirlwind in his arms. His blood heated and it was all he could do not to follow her lead, not to drag her dress from her body. But if he did, if he kept pace with Tania, then their lovemaking would be over with almost before it began. It wasn’t his way and even if it were, he sensed that there was far too much going on here for him to race to the finish line like that.

  So when her eager fingers began to fumble with the clasp on his belt, Jesse caught them in both his hands, stilling them even though desire all but slammed into him with the force of a Mack truck.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” he chided softly. Still holding her hands in one of his, he caressed her cheek with the other. There was something in her eyes that he couldn’t place. Fear? “What’s your hurry, Tania? Got a plane to catch?”

  Her hands trembled within his. “No,” she breathed.

  Please, please, please, don’t stop me, don’t let me think. Please don’t let me remember.

  Jesse brought his lips down to the side of her neck, skimming the delicate skin there. Excitement soared through his veins.

  “Then let’s take this nice and slow,” he whispered coaxingly. Taking her by the hand, he asked, “Which was your room?”

  “The second one,” she answered breathlessly. She moved ahead of him, striding down the hall as if the devil was after her.

  Because, in a way, he was.

  The second she was inside her room, Tania pushed the door closed with the flat of her hand. “All right,” she managed to get out.

  Whether it was a question or a statement, he didn’t know. He was only aware that she’d all but glued herself to him. The rush was incredible and he nearly lost his bearings right there. It took superhuman control not to give in to the urges that threatened to tear him apart.

  They tumbled onto the bed, clothes leaving their bodies in unsyncopated rhythm until they were both nude, pressed against one another.

  Tania felt as if she was on fire. On fire and at the same time, in danger of being doused by a huge bucket of ice. Because the memory of that night was never that far out of reach. It was always ready to claim her.

  Jesse kissed her over and over again, but it was already too late. Too late because fear had reared its head, freezing her body. She struggled to keep it at bay, to push the fear back so that she could lose herself in what was happening.

  She won small victories, but the war was, for the most part, lost. Her body ceased heating as his touch, so gentle, brought back memories of another touch, far less gentle. A touch that was hard, grasping. Possessive.

  It wasn’t fair to him, Tania thought, fighting back tears. Not fair to Jesse. Not fair to her to feel like this, to be locked away from what she felt certain, in her heart, was wondrously pleasurable and good.

  She did her best to seem eager, to keep up the illusion that they were on the same wavelength, all the while hoping against hope to somehow unlock the door to the cell that kept her a prisoner. The cell that kept her from him.

  But in the end, as he murmured her name against her ear and entered her, Tania could only congratulate herself for putting on a believable act. She tried to mimic his movements, to make him think that they came to the crest together when all she wanted was to shrink back, to have it done with.

  When his weight suddenly sank against her, she knew it was over.

  The sadness that seized her heart was almost excruciating.

  Pivoting on his elbows, Jesse drew his head back and looked down at her. She’d turned her head away from him, but he thought he saw a tear in the corner of her eye.

  So he wasn’t wrong in what he’d felt, Jesse thought, far from happy about being right. He withdrew and lay down beside her. He had no idea what to make of what had just happened here. Because it had never happened to him before.

  Taking a breath, he slipped his arm around Tania and drew her closer to him. He felt Tania stiffen. Could almost feel her forcing herself to relax. This wasn’t right.

  With the tips of his fingers, he moved her hair away from her cheek. “Where were you?” he asked quietly.

  Tania forced a smile to her lips. Reaching around for the comforter, she drew it up over herself to cover her nakedness. “I’m not that thin. I was right here.” The solemn expression on his face made her nervous.

  “Your body was,” he agreed.

  Holding on to the comforter tightly, she raised herself up to look at him. “Are you trying to tell me you were disappointed?”

  “No—and yes,” he told her honestly. Tania began to get up and he blocked her move. “We just made love, but you weren’t there. You were literally MIA—missing in action.” Jesse gently tapped her temple. Her eyes were huge, he thought. Was she afraid of him? He didn’t understand. “Where were you?” he repeated.

  Her breath was shaky as she released it. “I’m sorry if it wasn’t good for you—”

  “I didn’t say that,” he interrupted patiently. “If anything, maybe it wasn’t good for you.” She seemed surprised at his willingness to take the blame. “Because if it had been, you would have been there, just as wrapped up in it, as grateful to be part of it, as I was. But you weren’t.”

  Tania felt torn and tortured. He was asking the right questions, the questions she didn’t want to face, didn’t want to answer. He deserved better. He deserved more than she could give him.

  Fighting tears, she touched his face. “Don’t get involved with me, Jesse.”

  The laugh that came from his lips had no humor to it. “I think it’s too late for that warning. The question is, why won’t you get involved with me?” He took her hand in his. “Is it something I’ve done?”

  She closed her eyes, lost. Wishing she hadn’t let it get this far. “Oh no, no, it’s not you. Well, it is, but it’s not. It is because you’re on the unfortunate receiving end of this. It’s not because you are damn near perfect.”

  That made absolutely no sense to him, but he played along. “Is that a flaw?” he asked. “Because if it is, I can be imperfect,” he offered. “I could trip you before we make love again.”

  She stared at him, stunned. “You want to make love again?”

  How could she even ask? “I want to make love with you for as many days as there are in a month. Every month.”

  This after she’d gone cold, Tania thought. How could anyone be this good? And how could she allow herself to jeopardize this? How could she break out of her prison? “Wow.”

  “That wasn’t quite the answer that I expected—I was hoping for a ‘me, too,’” he told her with a grin. “But I can work with ‘wow.’”

  “Why would you want to?” she asked. “Why would you want to make love with me again? Why would you want to stay?”

  “Because if I do, then maybe you’ll learn to trust me enough to let me in—or at least give me the name of the guy who did this to you so I could kill him.”

  His voice was so
mild, uttering the words, she laughed despite herself. It had a sad, hollow sound. “You’d have to forfeit your Good Samaritan standing.”

  “I don’t care,” he told her, deadly serious. “It would be worth it.”

  Tania watched him for a long moment. He wasn’t just mouthing what he thought she needed to hear. Jesse was serious.

  She began to cry.

  Chapter 12

  Jesse never felt so helpless as when faced with a woman’s tears. He vividly remembered the moment when his mother found out that his father hadn’t survived the gunshot wound he’d sustained during the robbery of their grocery store. He’d given her the news and had been at a complete loss when she’d burst into tears.

  At the time, no words could afford her any comfort. Little had changed over the years. No real words of comfort came to him now in the face of Tania’s silent tears. All he could do was take her into his arms and hold her, give her the silent comfort of his arms and his presence.

  Jesse let a few moments go by before he asked, “Do you want to tell me about it?”

  Jesse’s question scraped the depths of her soul. She didn’t want to talk about it, hadn’t said a word about the incident in years. Not since the assistant D.A. had told her that Jeff and his defense counsel were accepting a plea bargain. Back then, countless months after the rape, she’d been forced to sit in the closed courtroom, listening to Jeff own up to what he’d done. Listening to Jeff apologize and ask forgiveness for the unforgivable.

  It had all felt so surreal then. She’d been the good little victim, she’d brought her rapist up on charges so that he wouldn’t do to someone else what he’d done to her. And then, after it was over and the judge and the two opposing lawyers went back to their lives, she’d been left to deal with the black hole that Jeff’s attack had created inside of her.

  Her way of dealing with it was to try to fill the hole up any way she could, with work and by searching for someone who would make her forget, who could make her finally move on. But all she’d ever managed to do was find men who, by the very act of lovemaking, caused her to remember. And to regret.

  Tania took in a long, ragged breath. Jesse was right. This had to come out. If nothing else, she owed him that. Owed herself that.

  “I was seventeen years old, invincible, and as trusting as a puppy. And Jeff was the handsomest thing I’d ever seen. A college freshman. And my friend. Or so I thought.” Tania pressed her lips together to keep back the sob that erupted in her throat.

  “Take your time,” Jesse said softly, his arms tightening ever so slightly around her. Close enough to protect, but not tight enough to cause her to feel trapped.

  Tania shrugged helplessly, her cheek pressed against his chest, her eyes looking into the past. “It’s the usual story. We were at a party, he had too much to drink. I drove him to his dorm. It was the beginning of spring break and it seemed like everyone was gone.” How many times had she gone over this in her mind? If only she’d left him at the entrance of the building, things would have been different. She would have been different. If only…“So I helped him up to his room and suddenly, once we were inside, it somehow turned into a wrestling match.”

  She paused again. When she spoke, her voice was shaky. It cracked several times. “I always thought that, in a situation like that, I’d know what to do, how to get away. My father taught all of us self-defense, drilled us on how to take care of ourselves.” Her mouth dry, she ran her tongue along her lips, trying to moisten them. Each word she uttered seemed to stick to the roof of her mouth. “I honestly thought I could talk Jeff out of it. I thought I could handle him—until I couldn’t.”

  Tania closed her eyes, tears seeping through her lashes. Jesse could feel them against his chest as they slid down her cheek. He remained quiet, letting her tell him at her own pace.

  “And then he was like somebody else, somebody I didn’t know,” she said heavily. “Had never known. He raped me and fell asleep. Like it was nothing,” Tania whispered, her voice cracking again.

  Jesse felt anger surging within him, explosive anger. It took effort to keep it from taking over. But there was no one in the room except for the two of them. No one to lash out at, to make pay for the crime committed against this woman.

  He stroked her hair, silently telling her she could lean on him. “Did you tell anyone?”

  She sat up then and wrapped her arms around her knees, drawing them into herself. The comforter pooled around her.

  “I didn’t have to. My father was waiting up. He took one look at me when I came in through the door and he knew. He knew. They were very good to me, my parents,” she murmured. The tears continued to flow down her cheeks, mingling with the ends of her hair. “But my father wouldn’t let me bury it. He told me that the rape would always haunt me until I brought Jeff to justice.” She exhaled loudly. “So I did, and for the most part, my father was right.” A touch of irony entered her voice. “They all think I’m okay, my sisters, my parents. And I am. Usually. Except when I freeze up inside.” She turned her head, looking at him over her shoulder. “So you see, Jesse, it’s really not you, it’s me.”

  “No,” he answered very gently, “it’s him. That worthless piece of trash who raped you, he’s keeping you from moving on. He robbed you of your trust, kept you from enjoying something very basic, very vital.” Jesse ran the back of his knuckles gently along her cheek. “Don’t let him do that to you.”

  Too late, she thought. She tried to smile and failed dismally. “You’re being awfully nice.”

  “Haven’t you heard?” he teased. “Heroes are supposed to take Nice 101 before they’re allowed to rescue someone. Can’t do a decent rescue without it.”

  Her smile was marked with sadness. “Is that what you’re going to do? Rescue me?”

  I’ll do anything you want me to. The ease with which the thought came to him surprised Jesse. And it felt right. “Can’t think of anyone I’d rather rescue than you.”

  He was being so good about this that she felt even guiltier. Tania shook her head. “I’m sorry I spoiled this for you.”

  “The only way you could have spoiled it for me is by not being here in the first place. Then, of course,” he added with a teasing smile, “I’d be arrested for breaking and entering because I would have had no business being in your apartment.”

  Something stirred inside of Tania that she hadn’t felt before. Not about someone outside her family. She’d only been on the brink of infatuation once and that had been with Jeff. And then he’d shattered her. Since then she’d never reacted to any male on anything but a physical level.

  But this was something different, beyond the basic pull of attraction she’d felt. Something she couldn’t—wouldn’t—put a name to. At least not yet. Naming it would only jinx it.

  She laughed at his protest. “You make me feel…safe,” she confessed to Jesse after a beat.

  He pretended to be disappointed. “And here I thought I had this bad-boy thing going.”

  The smile that curved her mouth was far less difficult to summon. And, miraculously, some of the sadness was gone.

  Tania cleared her throat. She’d asked men out before, but this was different. Harder.

  “If you want to give it another try…” Her voice trailed off.

  Jesse cupped her cheek with his palm. “You already know the answer to that,” he told her. “But only if you’re ready and you want to.”

  She looked at him incredulously. “Otherwise, you’d wait?”

  He nodded. “Otherwise, I’d wait.” He brushed his fingertip along her cheek, capturing a precious bit of dampness. “You’re crying again.”

  “Good tears,” she told him, trying hard, and unsuccessfully, to stop. “Good tears.”

  “Good tears, bad tears.” Jesse shook his head, mystified. “I don’t understand how you can cry when you’re happy,” he told her honestly. “But I’ll take your word for it.”

  Tilting her chin up, Jesse gently brushed his lips a
gainst hers. And then again. And again, each time a little deeper than the last, a little longer than the last.

  One arm around her, he moved her closer against him. His free hand delved beneath the comforter and, very slowly, he caressed her, lightly tracing the outline of her hip.

  His movements were languid, as if she were a wild mare that had wandered onto his property and he was afraid of spooking her, of driving her away.

  Even as the urges multiplied within him, Jesse kept himself in check. Like a man inching his way across a tightrope stretched over the Grand Canyon, where any misstep could be his last, Jesse made love to every part of her. Slowly, one movement building on another.

  He took his cues from her, listening to her intake of breath, feeling her heart hammering against his. Ever on the alert for her shrinking back because that would mean that he needed to back off a little before he could move forward.