I stepped outside to see if I could find Eric heading toward his car, and then heard his familiar voice behind me. "Hey there, mister. Something I can help you find?"
"Hey," I said, much louder than I'd intended to, as I turned to face him. I reached out for a handshake, but he pulled me in for a big, awkward hug. "So, that was pretty impressive," I said, pulling away. "Never thought I'd hear you say those words."
"I know," he said, his face flushing. "And I owe you an apology for that. You gave me so much more in that relationship than I ever gave you. Same problem I had with Julie."
"Hey, no, don't apologize," I said. "It would have been a lot harder for you to come out than it was for me. Not that it was easy, but I know it would have been worse for you. I always understood that. I've never held it against you. I promise."
"I know," he said, smiling. "That's what I loved about you. You always cared so much about me. You took care of me through all of that high school bullshit. But that doesn't mean I'm not sorry. Sometimes I think if I could just go back and change that one decision, my whole life would be different. But that kind of thinking is not really encouraged around here. Who knows though? Maybe I would have married you and we would have the kids by now."
My face burned and I was sure I had turned bright red. I reflexively tried to rub my wedding band, only to remember that I'd taken it off after my big fight with Mark after Halloween. "I don’t think we'd be married," I said nervously. "We were so young."
"Maybe you're right. Still, it's a nice thought," he said with a shrug. "Hey do you have plans for dinner tonight? Maybe I can take you to one of the whopping two new restaurants this town has gotten in the past 20 years."
"I mean, how could I turn down such a glamorous offer?" I joked awkwardly. "Pick me up at seven?" He nodded and headed back into the church right as my mother and Scotty came out to meet me.
The three of us went for lunch and then home, where I spent the rest of the day nervously waiting for Eric to show up and fighting off the urge to go hunt down a drink. I tried helping Scotty proofread some term papers he was working on to distract myself. That didn't work. He was premed and I had a killer headache and couldn't focus on the unnecessarily large scientific words. So we tried playing video games. I was again surprised by how nice it was to feel like I had a brother who actually liked me for the first time since I'd come out to my family.
"Hey, Adam," he said late in the afternoon. "Do you think after Momma, um... Do you think after Momma's gone it would be okay if I moved out closer to you? I don't wanna be alone."
"You're not gonna be," I said without hesitation, putting my arm around him. "I'm staying as long as Momma needs me, and then you're coming home with me. I just need to find a bigger apartment."
"I never thought I'd see this day," my mother's voice called out behind us. She was walking slowly, clearly exhausted. I hurried to help her sit on the couch. "You two getting along so well, it's an answered prayer. I'll just have to keep praying that your other brothers come around."
By the time Eric showed up, my head was pounding incessantly and I felt like I was going to vomit any second. But he had seemed so hopeful at the meeting that I didn't want to let him down. So I ordered dinner for Scotty and our mother and set out with Eric to a small, dimly lit restaurant across town.
We reminisced about high school and all of the crazy things we'd done to keep our relationship a secret – like taking separate dates to prom, then faking sick and sneaking off to a classroom to dance alone. We also commiserated over our failed marriages. I was doing my best to ignore my headache and nausea, but by the time we were finished with dinner, I felt like I could pass out at any second.
Eric excused himself to the bathroom, and I hurriedly went to the bar and ordered a shot of tequila, then another, then two more. Thinking I'd gotten away with it, I paid the bartender and headed back to our table, only to see Eric heading out the front door. I noticed a paper napkin with writing on it back at the table and went to read:
Adam,
It was nice catching up. Sorry I can't stay. Watching you take those shots was too tempting. I hope you'll keep going to meetings. Call me when you're sober.
P.S. Sounds like you may have treated Mark the way I treated you all those years ago. If you really love him, don't make him do all the work. Fight for him. I hope you get whatever it is you want.
Eric
I felt like such an idiot. He'd left extra cash with the note to pay for a cab, so I started to call one, kicking myself for hurting him. That seemed to be my specialty of late after all, hurting people I cared about. As I opened my phone to call a cab, I noticed that Mark had called on Wednesday while I was passed out. Scotty must have answered it because it didn't read as a missed call.
I preoccupied myself with wondering what they had talked about. Scotty had promised me that he wouldn't say anything. But why would he answer the phone and not say anything? But if he had told Mark what was going on, and Mark hadn't called back, did that mean he was officially over me? Did I deserve for him to be over me anyway? Had I really neglected him the way Eric was implying?
I gave up and walked right back up the bar. I stayed there until it closed, drinking so much that I didn't even remember how I got home when I woke up the next morning. I had a massive hangover, and only woke up because I felt a hard tapping on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes, there were three blurry figures standing above me.
It took a moment for my eyes to adjust. The light made my head throb as I tried to figure out who the third figure was since only Scotty and our mother had been there the night before. When my eyes finally adjusted, I was stunned to see the last person I'd ever expect to be teaming up with my family – Mark.
Chapter Eight | Mark
Kissing Grayson felt incredible, there was no way around admitting that. There was much more than a spark there. It was like wildfire. A kiss like that will make you believe in magic.
Then my phone rang. Scotty. I silenced it and it rang again. I reluctantly pulled away from Grayson.
Karma's coming for you for cheating on your husband. He's probably dead now, all because you couldn't keep your lips to yourself.
I reluctantly pulled away from Grayson and answered the phone.
"Mark?" Scotty said in a hushed tone. "I know I said I wasn't supposed to call you, but I really don't think Adam can get through this without you. Can you come out here for a few days?"
I wanted so badly to hang up the phone and go back to kissing the beautifully kind man in front of me, instead of being pulled in to the mess waiting for me on the other end of the phone. But I owed it to Adam to help him one last time after everything we'd been through.
"I'll be there tomorrow," I said reluctantly.
"I get it," Grayson said, stepping away, having overheard Scotty's request.
"I promise you, I wouldn't even consider this if it wasn't an emergency," I said, reaching out for him.
"I know," he said smiling weakly but not accepting my hand. "He's still your husband. And you have a big heart, Mark. That's my favorite thing about you. So, go. I'll be here when you get back."
"You don't – I mean, I don't want you to feel like you have to wait for me, Grayson," I said, hopping off of the counter to move closer to him. "I can't give you an honest timeframe here. I hope that it'll only be a few days. But if it isn't, you should be free to move on with your life."
He stepped back toward me and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "You're so strong, Mark. And you don't even realize it. I can be strong too. Go. Do what you need to do and, if you still want to, come back to me." He smiled his beautiful smile at me, hugged me tight, and then excused himself to the cottage. I finished up in the diner, hoping he'd come back. But he didn't and I didn't want to intrude on him so I headed home to pack.
But I hated to leave things the way we had. So the next morning on my way to the airport, I stopped by the cottage. He came to the door having just woken up, and for the first time
, I could admit to myself how cute I thought he was in the morning. Right out of bed was the only time he ever let his hair be out of place, and it made the most of that time. It stuck out in every possible direction, giving him a frenzied look that was somehow endearing. He was wearing the glasses he only wore right before and after bed, and pajama pants with an oversized sweater.
"Good morning," he said with a large smile. I'd been worried that he would be upset with me or irritated that I'd awoken him. But there he was, smiling at me like a child smiles when they see their favorite friend.
"Good morning," I said, returning the smile. Dolly came bursting through the front door. I picked her up and tried to balance her wiggling body in my arms. "Mind if I come in for a minute?"
"Of course not, you goof," he said, shaking his head. "Did I not make it very clear that I enjoy your company last night? Because I can try to make it clearer if I need to."
I laughed and stumbled inside with Dolly still in my arms. I sat on the sofa still holding her and she settled in my lap as I spoke. "So last night, you said that I could come back to you – if I still wanted to. And I couldn't leave without telling you that I do. I very much want to come back here and see where this goes."
"But Adam," he started.
"Has chosen to be my past," I interrupted. "He's very actively chosen that, and made it crystal clear that that's what he wants. And I've finally accepted that. Look, I have to do this, not because I want to be with him again, but because I need closure. The way he and I left things was... volatile. But things weren't always that way between us, and I don't think I could ever give my whole heart to someone else if that's how it ends with him."
"So is that what you want? To give your heart to someone else, I mean?" he asked, clearly nervous. I carefully moved Dolly and stood to meet Grayson.
"I would very much like to try. And I would very much like that someone to be you," I said. "You mean so much to me. And that's why if we're going to do this, I want to do it right. And that means forgiving Adam and working for him to forgive me too."
"You're a good man, Mark," he said. "I hate that right now."
"Yeah, well my boss has set a really great example," I responded. "Speaking of which, how much of a problem is it going to be for me to date my superior?"
"You know, I checked with the owner," he said. "And he told me it was cool. He also said I could have the morning off to drive you to the airport."
"Ah, I love that guy," I said, wrapping my arm around his waist as we walked toward the car.
"Yeah, I hear he's pretty fond of you too," he responded.
We drove to the airport mostly in silence. Dolly sat in the backseat, smiling with her head out the window. I laid my head on Grayson's shoulder and listened to him hum along with the radio. His voice was so soothing that I dozed off before we got there.
He woke me gently and we said goodbye in the parking lot so that Dolly wouldn't be left alone in the car. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I knew it was better to wait until things were resolved with Adam.
I knew the flight would mess with my mind, so I took something to help me sleep and dreamed about what it would be like to be with Grayson when I returned.
Scotty picked me up at the airport and filled me in on everything I had missed. He was gay, his mother was dying, and Adam was an alcoholic. Big year at the King residence. He explained to me that a local bartender had called Hattie and informed her that Adam was blackout drunk and someone needed to pick him up. Scotty had brought him back to the house and dumped him on the couch.
That’s where I found him. Even standing above, I could smell the alcohol radiating off of him. He looked even worse than the last time I had seen him. Hattie, Scotty, and I were discussing how best to proceed when he woke up. He squinted up at me, confused. I saw the exact moment he realized it was me, because what little color had been left in his face vanished instantly.
He started to sit up quickly, looked nauseated, and laid his head back down. "Mark? What are you doing here?" he asked, closing his eyes again.
"I called him," Scotty said before I could say anything. "You need help bubba. Nobody can help you better than he can." I was surprised by how familiar they seemed with each other. It had been several years since they'd seen each other or even spoken on the phone. It was nice to see them getting along.
"Do you guys mind if I speak with Adam alone for a few minutes?" I asked. Hattie and Scotty left the room and I sat on the floor so that I could be as close to face to face as possible with Adam. "I'm sorry," I whispered to him.
He slowly opened his eyes again and craned his head to look at me disbelievingly. "You're sorry?" he groaned. "I've basically been the world's worst asshole this year. I should be the one apologizing."
"I don't disagree," I said. "But I'm not spotless here either. We've both made mistakes. A lot of mistakes."
"Tell me about it," he said, sinking his head back onto the sofa. "I am sorry, for the record."
"I know you are," I said. I almost wished to myself that that was enough to repair what was broken between us. But I knew that it wasn't.
"I guess Scotty told you about the drinking?" he asked.
"More like he confirmed my suspicions," I admitted. He looked at me as if he didn't understand. "I mean, you came to the house smelling like a liquor store shelf turned over on you and threw a rock through my window after all."
"Right," he said, slapping a hand down over his eyes. "I'm sorry about that too. I'm sorry for all of it. Aaron told me I was like a hurricane. Maybe he was right."
"He wasn't," I said, squeezing his shoulder. "And I'm sorry too. I wasn't exactly kind to you that day either."
"But nothing you said was wrong," he said. "And I knew that. That's why it upset me so much. I think I've honestly known this whole time that I was being an asshole. It just took someone I knew a long time ago pointing it out to me to make me admit it to myself. You remember me telling you about Eric?" I nodded and he continued. "He was at the AA meeting Momma dragged me to, and we went to dinner to catch up last night. He sort of pointed out to me that I was treating you the same way that he treated me back in high school."
"How's that?" I asked.
"Like a support system, basically," he said, looking ashamed. "Like you were there to take care of me, but I wasn't as worried about your needs as I should have been."
"No, Adam," I started.
"No, it's true," he said, finally sitting up all the way. "If I'm ever going to kick this drinking habit, I've gotta face up to the truth. And the truth is that I was a really shitty husband to you when your dad died. I think part of it was because of my issues with my own dad. I couldn't understand how hard it was for you because when my dad died, I felt relieved. But your dad was always good to both of us. He treated me like his own son and I should have looked past my own issues to realize that and understand your loss.
"And with your mental illness, I felt like you were being weak – like if you just tried harder you could get over it. But I've been trying to quit drinking and I feel like I'm constantly fighting my own body. I feel like I have no power. And I know that that's how you felt, except it must have been worse for you because I did this to myself. And I'm so sorry, Mark."
I sat back against the sofa, processing everything he'd said. I had already forgiven him, I realized. But I also hated that it had taken him dealing with his own demons to try to look at my situation from my perspective.
It's not his fault you're a pathetic weakling. He was right about that in the first place. He's just trying to make you feel better now.
"No," I thought, willing myself to replace the voice in my head with Grayson's telling me that I was strong. "I'm not weak. I'm strong."
"I forgive you," I finally said to Adam as I moved to sit next to him on the sofa.
"Don't say that yet," he said, looking down at his feet. "I also need to apologize for accusing you of sleeping with your boss. Even if you were, I had no right to be upset
about it. You were right. I was the one who walked out. And," he paused, his face contorting as if what he was about to say pained him. "I was sleeping with Aaron. I'm not anymore, but I was at the time. So I definitely had no right to accuse you of anything. I also, and I hate myself most of all for this, I slept with Wes."
It should have hurt me. But because I'd already suspected it and because I was starting to have feelings for Grayson, it rolled right off my back. In fact, I was mostly amused by the last bit. "Wait, Wes the Weasel?" I asked incredulously.
"Oh my god, I forgot about that nickname," he said burying his face in his hands. "I can't believe I cheated on you with someone we gave such a stupid nickname."
"At least he's good looking underneath that terrible personality," I said, playfully nudging him.
"Ugh, don't even get me started on his awful personality," he responded. "He made my life hell afterward."
"Instant karma," I joked.
"I sincerely hope karma is not real, because I've got a lot worse coming if it is," he groaned, laying back down on the sofa, his head near my lap. My first instinct was to reach out and comfort him, but I thought better of it.
"I'm not sleeping with Grayson, by the way," I said. He looked relieved, but I didn't want to lead him on. "But we did kiss last night. It was the first time, I swear."
"So what are you doing here?" he asked, a hurt look crossing his face.
"I couldn't start something with him when you and I aren't finished. I owe you both more than that," I said.
"I wouldn't say you owe me anything," he said. "I've been pretty terrible."
"Hey, I said I forgive you," I said sternly. "I meant that. I came to help you because even if we aren't together anymore, I'll always care about you. And you are still legally my husband."
"Right," he said. He slowly stood and crossed into a nearby room. He returned with a folder containing a divorce agreement. "I had this drawn up. I just couldn't sober up long enough to sign and send it. Basically we each keep what was ours before and split anything new. Except the house. You should keep it. Your hard work bought it. Of course we can change anything you don't agree to. I won't put up a fight."
How We Love Page 12