"Adam, we can worry about this later," I said. "We need to get you healthy."
"I know you better than anyone, Mark. I know that you won't let yourself fall for someone new while we're still married. Not really. And you deserve someone who makes you happy and treats you right. If that's - um, Grayson? - then you should be with him. And I'm not going to be the thing holding you back."
He grabbed a pen off of a nearby table and signed the papers before handing them to me. "Thank you," I said, as I signed them myself. He was right, of course. It would take another three months once we actually filed the papers before a judge could officially grant us a divorce. But knowing that we'd both agreed to it and accepted it made me feel a lot better about starting something with Grayson in the meantime.
"So," he said sadly. "My mom is dying."
"I'm sorry," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad you're here while she still has time."
"Me too," he said. "I just feel like an ass. Why didn't I come around more?"
"Because your father was an abusive monster and they were all terrible to you when we got married," I reminded him. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Adam. Just make the most of the time you have left. I would give anything to have known that my dad was going to die ahead of time so that I could have spent more time with him before it happened."
He squeezed my hand then led me into the kitchen where Hattie and Scotty were preparing lunch. We helped them finish up and for the first time, I felt like part of the family. Too bad it was too late.
We took Adam to another AA meeting that afternoon in a neighboring city, hoping to avoid any more run ins with people he knew. It went fairly well. Though he was still too afraid to speak himself, he seemed reinvigorated in his desire to get clean.
That night I texted Grayson to tell him that Adam and I had signed the divorce papers. I wanted to call and hear his voice, but I also didn’t want to hurt Adam's feelings if he overheard us. Grayson told me he was happy that Adam and I had worked out our differences, and sent me an adorable picture of him and Dolly at the park. I sat for a while looking at it and Scotty, who moves more quietly than any person I've ever met, saw it over my shoulder as he entered the room behind me.
"Moving on already?" he asked as he sat at the kitchen table next to me.
"In some ways, I guess," I said. "In others, not so much."
"Thank you for comin'. I gathered from what Adam told me and Momma that he doesn't particularly deserve your help," he said.
"Well, somebody told me recently that none of us deserve anything," I recalled Grayson's words. "But if we're lucky, people love us anyway. I'll always love Adam, even if we aren't in love."
"I hope I find that someday," he said wistfully.
"I'm sure you will," I said reassuringly. "It's a lot easier when you're honest with yourself like you have been recently. And it helps that a lot more people are comfortable being out now."
"It must have been a lot worse coming out when you were my age," he said.
"I'm not that old Scotty," I laughed. "But yeah, I guess, it was hard to come out to some people. I was lucky that my father was very supportive."
"He wasn't upset at all?" he asked, wide-eyed.
"I'm sure he was at first," I admitted. "It took him a few minutes to say anything. He just stared at the floor for a while. But after the shock wore off, he looked at me and he said, 'Son, this life is not about who we love. It's about how we love. And I love you no matter what.' And that was it. He went right back to being my dad like nothing had changed."
"Sounds like my momma," he said sadly.
"I've always known your mother was a good one, Scotty," I said, squeezing his arm. "I'm so sorry for what's happening to her."
His eyes watered a bit as he said, "I don't know what I'm gonna do without her."
"I'll tell you what you're going to do," I said. "You're going to move in with Adam, finish school, become a doctor, and make your mother proud. If your other brothers come around, great. If not, screw 'em. You don't need them to live a good life."
He smiled at me and wiped his eyes. Hattie entered the room and Scotty excused himself to go to bed.
"I sure was sorry to hear about your daddy, Mark," she said. "Always seemed like a real nice man."
"Thank you, Hattie. He was," I said. "How are you feeling? I'm sorry you're going through this."
"Oh, I've been through worse, baby," she said, easing herself slowly down onto a chair. "Hell, I'm going through worse worrying about whether my boys will ever be a family or not once I'm gone."
"I know, I'm sorry. I wish I could say I believe they will be, I said. "But I'm not sure this is a difference they can overcome."
"It's a big one, isn't it?" she asked. I nodded and she continued. "Baby I'm real sorry we weren't more supportive of you and Adam. I always thought you were nice. But I tell you what, the church drills ideas into you and it's hard to let 'em go. Now that Scotty came out too, I've been wonderin' a lot about God lately. You know they say He don't make mistakes. So if He made two of my baby boys gay, I can't believe that there's anything wrong with it. I wish to God every day Ricky had died sooner. Maybe I would have had more time to fix things with Adam."
"I'm here now," Adam's voice said from the dark hallway. He entered the room and wrapped his arms around Hattie. "I'm sorry it took me so long, Momma. But I'm here now. And I'm gonna be with you until the end."
The next 30 days were a test of fortitude for all four of us in different ways. Adam's family and I accompanied him to as many AA meetings as we could find, and helped keep him accountable and away from any alcohol. I had a few setbacks with my OCD that almost sent me packing, but Grayson was able to calm me down over the phone. Hattie had it the worst, of course. She had a few health rebounds, but inevitably got sicker each time after a few days. Scotty, meanwhile, was studying for finals and working out his transfer to the university where Adam taught amidst all of this.
On the lighter side of things, we all decorated the hours for Christmas together, and on one of Hattie's good days I managed to get a great picture of her with Scotty and Adam in front of the tree. I had it blown up for her and hung it beside her bed.
A few days before Christmas, Adam was presented with a coin to celebrate 30 days of sobriety from his sponsor, an older woman named Louise. For the first time, he spoke in front of the group that day.
"Thank you all so much," he began after introducing himself. "I guess this is as good a time as any to finally tell my story. I guess it started when my marriage ended. It was my choice, but I wasn't prepared for how lonely it would be. I made some mistakes in the early days of the separation that made me feel lonelier, and alcohol numbed that pain. So I drank, and I drank some more. And eventually I drank so much that I pushed away anyone who tried to help me.
"But I couldn't see that that's what was happening. I kept telling everyone I was fine. But I wasn't. And the crazy thing was that I truly believed that I was. I wholeheartedly believed that I was just a casual drinker and that everyone around me was overreacting. In my head everything I was doing was totally fine, and I wanted so badly for that to be true that I didn't notice I was becoming the villain in my own story. I mistreated people who love me and people who might have. I took for granted the career I worked my whole life for. And I lost the love of my life."
He paused, looking at me with tears in his eyes, on the last sentence. I was trying to hold back tears myself, so I averted my gaze and he continued.
"But he's happy now. At least, I think he is. I hope he is, because he made me so happy all of the years we were together. So I'm going to try to be happy too. And I'm home with my family, repairing relationships that I never thought I would get the chance to repair. And I haven't had a drink in 30 days. So I feel like I'm on a good path now. No matter what happens from here, I have hope. And after not having any for a long time, hope feels like an awful lot to have. You all gave me that. Thank you."
The group applaude
d and Adam returned to his seat with us with a new spring in his step. A weight lifted from his shoulders. When we arrived back at his mother's house, I pulled him aside before we went in.
"You'll never lose me, Adam. Not completely," I said. "Maybe things will work out with Grayson, and maybe they won't. But not matter what, you and I can be friends, if you want to be."
"I would love that," he said. He hugged me and went inside just as my phone began to ring. It was Grayson. He and I had kept in touch as best we could over the month I'd been gone, but it had been a few days since we spoke on the phone instead of through text message, so I was excited to hear from him.
"Hi there," I said happily.
"Hey," he said solemnly. I had very rarely heard Grayson sound anything other than happy.
You aren't even officially dating and he's calling to break up with you. You must be more terrible than you thought. I made myself recall Grayson telling me I was strong again and pushed forward with the conversation.
"Oh, what's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, I'm fine," he said, very obviously lying.
"Grayson, you can tell me," I insisted.
"Well, my parents are leaving town for Christmas I guess," he said with a deep sigh. "They're going to visit my dad's parents in Seattle. They didn't tell me until today and they offered for me to go with them, but I already put up signs all over town saying I'd be opening the diner to the homeless again. I can't go back on that. At least I won't be alone, but I haven't missed Christmas with my parents since Alex died."
"I'm so sorry, Grayson," I said. "Is there anyone who could watch the diner for you for a few days?"
"I haven't asked," he admitted. "I hate to ask anyone to give up their Christmas for me. Oh crap, I gotta go. I let Trey fill in for you while you've been gone and he filled up the place with smoke – again. Anyway, I just wanted to hear your voice. Talk to you soon?"
"Yeah, sure," I said. "Call me when you can."
I hung up and went inside. Adam knew something was wrong immediately, so I explained the situation. He disappeared back into the room where Hattie kept her old computer, and returned with a plane ticket.
"Go," he said. "Be with him, or cover for him so he can go with his parents – whatever you want to do. But you've done enough for me. It was so incredible of you to come here and be with me and my family through this. But it's over. I'm good. I promise. Now it's your turn. I'll even drive you."
I arrived back home shortly after the diner had closed, and used the emergency key Grayson had given me to sneak in. I had only intended to bake him a cake as a surprise, but I found the diner completely undecorated for the season. I hurried to a store, bought decorations, and returned, careful not to cross too close to the cottage where he could see me. I set a cake from his favorite recipe to bake and then set about decorating the whole diner as I waited for it.
After everything was ready, I set up candles around one of the tables and called Grayson.
"Hey, you," he said, trying to sound happy, but failing.
"Hey, handsome," I said.
"Oh, no," he said, sounding a bit better. "I look terrible today."
"I'm absolutely positive that you don’t," I assured him. "Listen, I had somebody deliver a Christmas gift for you, but they left it at the front door of the diner. I don't want somebody else to take it. Would you mind running up to get it?"
"Aw, seriously?" he asked, now sounding genuinely happy. "That's so sweet. Okay, I'm going right now. What are you up to?"
"Oh, not a whole lot. I just finished making a cake and setting up some Christmas decorations," I said, choosing my words carefully so as not to lie to him.
"I wish you were here to decorate the diner," he said. I could hear him shutting the door to the cottage and went and stood by the front door of the diner to wait for him. "I just haven't been feeling it this year."
"I'm sorry," I said. "Maybe your gift will cheer you up just a bit."
"Well, it's from you, so I'm sure it will be-" he trailed off as he rounded the corner and saw me standing at the door. He ran excitedly into the diner and wrapped his arms around me. I picked him up and spun him around, not an easy feat given his height.
"Amazing," he finished his thought.
"I knew you didn't look terrible," I said, stepping back to look at him. He looked just as good as I remembered him, still perfectly groomed and well dressed. However, he was wearing his glasses and his eyes behind them looked puffy as if he'd been crying.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
I had intended to say that I'd come home to spend the holiday with him. But I knew looking at him that he needed his family, and he had been so selfless with me that I felt like it was my turn to be so for him.
"I came to cover the diner so you can spend Christmas with your parents," I said.
"What?" he exclaimed. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I am," I said. "But first, I have something for you. Come with me." I led him to the table where I'd set up his cake and set a Christmas playlist to play on my phone. A few days prior, I'd gone to the mall back in Texas with Scotty to go Christmas shopping. I'd agonized over what to get Grayson, and finally settled on a pocket watch. Inside behind the hands, I'd had a picture of him and his brother, Alex, put in. "This is your real gift," I said, presenting him with the box.
As he opened it, he smiled at the watch. But when he actually opened the watch and saw the picture inside, his eyes welled up instantly. "It's so beautiful," he said, standing to hug me. "Thank you, Mark. I love it."
"You're welcome," I whispered, holding him tight.
"I didn't get you anything yet," he said with a frown. "I'm sorry. I've just been feeling down and I didn't know when you were coming back."
"Hey, you've given me all I could ever need," I said, cupping his face in my hands. "Except maybe one thing. I pointed above us to show him that we standing directly under mistletoe.
He smiled through his tears and kissed me. And this time, with nothing to hold us back, I kissed him back even more passionately. I felt like I was high on kissing him, like the room was spinning around me and my heart was beating so fast it might burst out of my chest. I rested me head on his chest and we swayed to the music. I was so lost in him that I almost didn't notice when the candles set off the sprinkler system.
He stepped away, smiled at me, and said exactly what I'd been thinking the first time we kissed, "This must be what magic feels like."
Chapter Nine | Adam
It hadn't been easy to let Mark go, especially after having spent a month with him helping me stay sober. With my mind clear I could see that I still loved him. But he was falling for someone else, someone who loved him better than I could. The funny thing about love is that it makes you want to do what's best for the ones you feel it for, even if it means letting them go.
So I focused on my family. Scotty and I called over and over to beg Drew and Mitch to come to the house for Christmas, but they wouldn't budge. Drew, always the more stubborn of the two, was angrier each time we tried. I thought for a minute that Mitch, the gentler, more forgiving twin, might give in. But Drew must have gotten to him because he just stopped answering after a few tries.
So Scotty and I did everything we could to make the week leading up to Christmas special for her. We decorated every inch of the house. We invited the children's choir from her church to the house to sing carols for her. We made all of her favorite foods and watched the Christmas cartoons she'd watched with us when we were children. She did her best to pretend it was perfect, but I knew she missed my brothers.
The morning of Christmas Eve, as it became clear that she didn't have much time left, I flew into Austin. Mitch lived there, Drew in San Antonio. I was determined to bring them back with me.
I started with Drew. I knew that he'd be harder to convince, but that if I showed up at Mitch's house with him in tow, Mitch wouldn't hesitate to join us. When I arrived at Drew's house, he was outside scraping ice off
of his car windows.
It had been so long since I'd seen him that I almost forgot what he looked like. He favored my father much more than my mother, unlike Scotty and me. As I pulled into the driveway, I saw disgust wash over his face when he recognized me. By the time I opened the door to the car I'd rented to get to him, he was at the door ready to confront me.
"What the hell do you want?" he demanded.
"Good to see you too, brother," I retorted.
"Cut the bullshit, Adam. Why are you here?" he said.
"You cut the bullshit, Drew," I shouted, the mean streak in me surfacing quicker than I'd expected. But I didn't have time to play games. "You know why I'm here. Momma is dying, and she wants to see you and Mitch before she goes. I don't give a fuck if you like me, but you owe it to her to say goodbye. So either get in the car on your own, or I can throw you in the back after I kick your ass. You choose. But one way or another, you're going."
"Drew," called a voice from just inside the front door before he could reply. Sarah, Drew's wife of seven years, stepped outside. She was pregnant, pretty far along by the look of it, with what would be their first child. She waddled over toward us, her blonde hair shimmering as sunrise began. "Go," she told him.
"Sarah," he began to protest.
"Andrew Theodore King, you get your butt in that car with your brother right now. When this baby comes, I want her to have a family. You don't get to ruin that because you're stubborn," she said. "Hey Adam." She awkwardly stepped closer and gave me a quick hug. Sarah and I had always gotten along, even when Drew and I hadn't.
"Hey, nice mom voice. You're ready to go," I joked.
"Thanks Uncle Adam," she said rubbing her belly. "I wish I could go with y'all but I'm in the no travel zone. This little girl is about ready to drop outta me. Oh, she's kicking. You can feel if you want."
"Oh wow," I said as I felt her stomach, trying to ignore Drew rolling his eyes at me. "How much longer?"
"Two more weeks," she said smiling. "I can't wait."
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