Smash It!

  The party isn’t too far from where I live. There are four cars parked outside the house (none of them belonging to Cleo, thank god) and at the door I can’t hear anything. The parties I go to are thrown by people I know and involve us sitting around talking about what we should do. I don’t know whose house this is and I’m not trying to be cliché, but I halfway expected to hear loud music and see people with red Solo cups standing on the porch.

  A guy opens the door, and I barely register some light thematic music in the background. He’s a big, thick guy, like he could be a linebacker, and tall, with dark, straight hair pulled back in a man bun. He definitely belongs on a beach.

  “Lennox,” he says, holding out his hand and giving her a half hug. He’s got a deep voice, and as he’s telling her who’s already here, I notice his accent. He’s Hawaiian. I sing enough Moana to know it from anywhere—that, and he looks Hawaiian. I’m gawking, because he’s hot.

  And he’s looking at me, too.

  “Kai, this is O.” Lennox doesn’t even say my whole name. I want this boy to know my whole name and my number.

  I hold out my hand, and he laughs, pulling me into a half hug. “I’m a hugger. Nice to meet you, Olivia.” He knows my name, and my face gives my surprise away. “I’ve seen you around school. You’re always hanging out with Dré and Eli.”

  I nod. What the fuck happened to my words? I have no game.

  “Come in. We’re still waiting on David before we start.”

  Start what? I’m trying to slow my breathing.

  I get like this when I’m nervous. I smile until my jaw hurts from clenching. My shoulders get tense, and I regret every life decision leading me to the event in question.

  Again, I realize I don’t know anybody here except Lennox, who might not want me hanging on to her like one of those socially anxious lapdogs.

  Upside—Kai’s house is gorgeous. It’s got Polynesian carvings on the wall and paintings of the ocean. He has a dog, a retriever who moseys over and licks my hand. Dark wood floors lead to the living room, where a bunch of kids are sitting around a big floor table. I don’t know how to describe it, other than it’s a table with short legs.

  “Have a seat by the kotatsu.” He’s pointing at the table, and Lennox is already headed there. He disappears into the kitchen and so I follow Lennox to the group of kids already around the table.

  Yep. I don’t know any of these people, and worse, it’s a small group. Nowhere to blend into the background. No way to avoid conversations I don’t belong in. As soon as the inside jokes start, I’ll be that weird girl everyone keeps thinking who invited her? about.

  Lennox is pointing around the table and rattling off names: Steph, Markus, Jackie, Rodney, and Javier. Steph’s a white girl with a messy bun of auburn hair, Markus a black kid who keeps looking at Jackie while she’s talking to her phone—I think she’s making a video. Rodney is leaning in next to Jackie, saying, “Yaass, girl!” with his blond hair slicked back, and Javier is a tall skinny dude with thick black glasses who looks up from shuffling cards to wave at me. “This is O. O, this is everybody.”

  They all stop, even Jackie, who is in the middle of vlogging, to say, “Hey, O!” Jackie points the camera at me and says, “Damn, check out sis, rocking the kimono. She a fine piece of chocolate.”

  I don’t even have time to respond before the camera is pointed back at her.

  Lennox grabs two pillows from a big basket near a window with a view of a lake. She puts them on the floor next to the only empty pillow. Then she puts me next to the empty pillow and winks. I’m not even going to acknowledge that she’s low-key trying to hook me up with the Hawaiian Sunset coming out of the kitchen with two cans of Coke.

  And then it dawns on me—she is. The ratchet chick in my head is laughing like Goofy, and I hope to god Kai can’t see my crazy.

  He sits next to me and hands me one. He smiles.

  I pull out my finger guns. “Yo-la sweet Cola. Uh—I don’t know why I said that—um—let’s start over? Hi.” What is wrong with me?

  He laughs, and his shoulder brushes against me. “Ever play Wolf?” He’s smiling at me like I’m Little Red Riding Hood and I want him to take my basket of baked goods. I don’t even know what the hell that means, but I really want him to.

  “Wolf?”

  Javier starts dealing cards. Everyone gets one. Kai explains the rules. There are two wolves, a sheriff, a psychic, some kids, and townspeople. We have to guess who the wolves are, and everyone has to agree on naming those people. We have to catch the two wolves before they completely destroy our village or we accidentally hang everyone accused of being wolves.

  What kind of party is this? I’m waiting for the kicker: Wolf takes the town; you lose your clothes! I can’t believe these people are sitting around playing card games like middle-aged couples without kids. I’m not mad. I just thought it was going to be a night of awkwardly hanging out with kids smoking pot and drinking way too much alcohol.

  We play a few times, and as I figure out the game, I get really into it. When I play games, I play to win. So, when I’m the wolf, I make it my job to infect every last player with my venom. I have people burning innocent villagers at the stake, and I feel so gloriously evil.

  The third time we play, I get the wolf card again and so does Kai. He nudges me with his leg every time we get the others to go after someone else. We win that round.

  The game is the icebreaker I didn’t know I needed. My cheeks hurt from laughing at Jackie pleading her case like she’s fresh off an episode of Law & Order. Everyone is way different than I imagined. I was expecting over-the-top personalities, and—well, Jackie’s a little out of this world, but for the most part everyone is really chill and welcoming. I’m not the new kid in the group. I’m just a girl competitively playing a card game and laughing so hard I’m choking on my soda.

  We take a break from cards and go outside to pretend we can see the meteor shower that’s apparently happening tonight. I sit on a hammock, and Kai sits next to me. “You having fun?” He hands me a new Coke and I open it, swinging my legs back and forth. I’m really glad I didn’t wear heels. I’d have been so overdressed.

  I want to impress this guy. The way he looks at me—no one else does. I thought Eli was giving me eyes, but Eli is more like a puppy looking fondly at his favorite toy. This guy is a tiger ready to pounce, and I’m that one deer—or whatever tigers eat—standing in the meadow screaming, Me! Take me!

  “Yeah,” I say looking up at the cloudy sky. I can’t hold eye contact with him. I like that he’s looking at me, but at the same time I hate the attention. It doesn’t make sense, but while I want him to look, I’m terrified of what he sees. I want to say something funny to get the attention off me but, fuck it. How can I get up onstage and have hundreds of eyes on me if I can’t stand having just two take me in?

  I take a small breath. Will this discomfort ever go away? Will I wake up one day and feel like a flawless boss bitch, or will it forever be a fight?

  Jackie and Rodney are walking around the backyard filming and screaming, saying they can see a gator in the water. The yard is fenced, but, according to my grandmother, gators can climb fences.

  Kai leans in and taps my arm with his. “I’m glad you came.” Then he leans in more, and I almost lose it because I think he might kiss me, but he just smiles. “To be honest, I didn’t know if you’d be cool. Dré’s kind of a dick, and I’ve seen you hanging with him, so I assumed you might be one, too.”

  I laugh, because, wow, what an accusation. But Dré is kind of a dick, so I get it. “Well, you know what they say about assumptions.”

  “Duly noted.” He’s still doing that Lennox thing where they stare without looking away. Three seconds is the acceptable amount of time, but nobody told them that. “So, I’ve got a full schedule with my package.” He pauses when I glance down. This dude is bold and—w
ow.

  He laughs, and it’s big and earthshaking. “No. No. Not like that. It’s the senior projects for drama. We have five skits to perform before Thanksgiving break.” He relaxes again next to me. “You want to hang out sometime after that?”

  My throat clinches and I try not to show all my teeth as I smile. This stupid giddy laugh erupts from my lips. I’ve never been asked out in my life. It’s sad. I’ve kissed boys, but it was that shh, don’t tell anyone kind of stuff. Mainly because I never wanted Dré and Eli to know who I liked. I always figured they’d make fun of me, which, in hindsight, is idiotic and doesn’t make sense.

  Regardless, this has never happened before—and though I’m not trying to think about my old pal Al, I want to tell him he was right. I said yes to the musical and then Lennox was right there with the audition packet. I said yes to going to this party. All these things I’d have shut down without hesitation before—and now I’ve just been asked on a date by a boy I never would have met otherwise.

  I made this happen by just saying yes. By choosing to say yes to these things that have been there all along. I’m mentally adding: 4. Go on a date to my Fuck It list, because when God hands you fresh squeezed lemonade, you drink that shit.

  He takes my stunned silence as a no, and I have to correct him. “I’d love to.” I sound like such a chump.

  “Okay, then.” He takes a sip of his Coke, and I’m pretty sure he’s smiling at the same time. “You’re making me nervous.” He’s doing that unwavering stare again, and I can’t help but point out that I actually do the three-second thing. So if anyone should be nervous, it’s me. “Nah,” he says. “You’re a lot.”

  I have no idea what he means by that, and I don’t have to mention I’m sensitive about my weight, so I just sit there looking at the black lake.

  “Like—I feel like I have to plan something big for you. You’re funny, smart, and hot as hell. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s intimidating.”

  Kai, the Hawaiian Sunset, is getting my best I’m totally into you but I’m not desperate smile. I kind of can’t believe this is happening. I’ve never met a guy who just...says what he thinks. Or maybe I have, but I’ve been too busy saying no to talk to them.

  I can’t help but compare him to Eli. Yeah, they’re different people, and maybe Eli’s way of being interested is quieter than Kai’s—or maybe he’s not interested at all. The problem is I can’t say yes to a bunch of fucking maybes.

  There’s no question with Kai. He put it out there, and now, so can I. “I trust you’ll come up with something.” I don’t even know who this bitch smiling and batting her eyes is, because I’ve never been this bold in my life.

  The door is open—I just hope walking through doesn’t mean leaving Eli behind.

  Chapter 8

  When I’m back in the car with Lennox headed home, she side-eyes me. She’s got a playlist going, but it’s low-key old-people jazz. The saxophone kind that’s two steps away from being retro porno music. “So,” she says as a smile creeps on her face. “You met Kai.”

  I don’t indulge her and keep my cool. “I met Kai,” I say.

  She reaches over and shoves me with a laugh. I get why Dré had sex with her. She’s effortlessly sexy. If I were gay, I’d want to have sex with her. I don’t tell her that though, I refuse to be the straight girl all over the bi girl.

  “I saw y’all on the hammock making eyes.” She leans back in her seat with her hands relaxed on the wheel. “You gonna tap that?” Sex is on the brain with this one. I mean, it’s always on my mind, too, but she just puts it out there.

  “I don’t even know him.”

  She makes a noise like a snort but it’s softer than that. “I can look into the eyes of a person and see their soul. That’s all we need to know.”

  “Maybe you got them witch eyes, but I don’t. I look into his eyes and I just start hyperventilating.”

  She laughs shaking her head. “You’re so stupid.”

  “I’m serious.”

  Lennox glances at me. “I mean, if you’re not ready, that’s cool, too. No pressure here, I was just curious.”

  I let down my guard a little. I mean, fuck it, she’s open, and I need someone to talk with about this stuff, so I can be, too. “I think, after I get to know him, I could. He looks at me and I can tell he’s looking at me.” I don’t have to explain to her what I mean. She nods. She gets it. “I’ve never had sex before though. Dudes are always worried about putting it in the wrong hole and I’m like, what if I put it in the wrong hole?”

  We both laugh, but I do, in fact, know my ass from my vagina.

  “Don’t think about it so hard.” Lennox turns down the jazz. “On the real, everyone is always saying how that shit’s gonna hurt, or be bad, or how it needs to be special. Girl, the only thing it needs to be is good.”

  I look at her, because that is legit the first time anyone has said that. Granted, I don’t talk to too many people about sex, so, low bar—but I feel like what she’s saying is right. “How do I make sure it’s good?”

  “You can’t. But you can pick somebody who seems like they’ll take the time to make it good.” She turns into my neighborhood and in a minute, we’re sitting in my driveway, but I don’t get out.

  “Explain.”

  Lennox puts the car in Park like she had no intention of letting me out anyway and turns to me. “It’s like this. If you want a special time, you’ll end up with a dude trying to smash you like the only thing he has to go on is a shitty teen movie where they fuck on prom night. You don’t want that trash.”

  I don’t. I don’t know what I do want, but I don’t want that weird we go to a hotel with rose petals thing. I’d die of secondhand embarrassment.

  “If you go into it just wanting to get it over with, you’ll end up with a jackhammer dude.” She grabs her purse. “You don’t want that either.” Lennox pulls a Coke out of her purse and pops the top. She offers me first sip, and I take it.

  I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve been friends with girls but none past elementary. Growing up, Cleo and I were always pushed to be best friends, and I think by rejecting Cleo, I sort of rejected all girls. I always thought I was that girl who got along with boys better—I’m starting to think I missed out on a whole lot of cool conversations.

  “You need a solid dude,” she says before taking a sip. “Forget everything you’ve ever seen on TV. Dudes are scared shitless and can’t handle all your hang-ups and theirs. You have to go into it your own sexual beast. You masturbate?” She just drops it like she’s asking me if I sometimes cook my own freaking breakfast.

  “Jesus Christ.” Why is it necessary she know this? I’m doing the fish face again, because my jaw is on her dirty floor mat.

  She hits my arm. “Don’t be a punk. I told you we both got girl parts. We’re in this game together. You need a dildo? I can get you one if your mom is weird and checks your mail.”

  “Oh. My. God.” I’m laughing, because she’s so serious I can’t believe it. “No, I don’t need a fucking dildo. Do I? Look, I’ve done stuff, but I’m not over here sticking carrots and cucumbers up my hoo-ha.”

  She’s cackling and I start laughing again, too. “Girl, there is nothing embarrassing about using a cucumber. I’ve been in some desperate situations.”

  “TOO MUCH INFORMATION.” I want to regret my choice to have this conversation but—I don’t. I don’t want to know all that, but I do want to know other things. I have no clue how to go about any of this sex shit and I want to know everything.

  She’s cackling again as she looks over my shoulder. Dré’s Bat Mobile is pulling up in front of Eli’s house, and the music is blaring. They both look over, and Dré nods his head. I know he’s doing it to Lennox, because Dré does not nod with me. He makes faces and licks windows and other weird things when it’s just us three. When he’s trying to be cool, he nods.


  Lennox raises her can at Dré. “He’s your dude.”

  I look back to make sure she’s talking about some dude I missed in the car with Dré and Eli. Dré’s staring at me, probably wondering how I know the girl he lost his virginity to, and Eli’s face is lit up from the glow of his phone, probably not caring that Dré’s shitting his pants wondering if I know. He’s saying something to Dré—or singing, I can’t tell.

  Neither of them will ever guess Lennox just told me to sleep with Dré. I can’t believe it. “I’m sorry, who?”

  Lennox starts her witchy cackle again. “He’s somebody you know. You’re comfortable with him. He’ll want to treat you right, and I’ve already taught him how.”

  I want to gag. “Um, I know Eli—and other guys, too,” I add, because I don’t want to give away my big-ass crush.

  Lennox shakes her head. “You and Dré have chemistry. You’re all over his Instagram, not to mention that cute pic with him kissing you.”

  I wave her off. I’m not going to explain to her that Dré is just handsy—she should know that. Jesus. “I am not taking your sloppy seconds.”

  “He’s a person, O. Not a bowl of half-eaten cereal.”

  “He’s Dré.”

  She puts up her hands. “Well, Kai is cool, too.” She’s got this wicked smile on her face. “When I told him I invited you to the party, his whole face lit up like it was Christmas Eve and I was ringing Santa’s sleigh bells.”

  My eyes get big. I don’t want to know the answer to this question, but I need to know. “Have you slept with him, too?”

  “Watch it, Janice.” She rolls her eyes. “No, and even if I had, so what? Sex is an experience, not a pink slip. And it sure as hell ain’t anything to be embarrassed about.”