Smash It!

  I can tell I hit a nerve, and I swear I’m not trying to call her a ho. I’m just not used to this. I breathe out. “Sorry. I’m just a little—”

  “Green. It’s fine, just don’t get all judgy.”

  That’s fair. I look over again, and now Dré’s face is lit up from his phone. He’s talking, too—no, they’re definitely singing. That’s the kind of stuff I’m used to. Sharing memes in the car and talking about the funny videos people are posting—or them singing and harmonizing like it’s breathing. Not cucumbers and screwing my best friend.

  Lennox is smiling again, and she shrugs her shoulders.

  “What?”

  She takes the car out of Park. “Nothing, just looking at a girl about to trade in her V-card for some D.”

  “Oh. My. God.” I get out of the car with her cackle following me. “Bye,” I say, bent over with my head in the window.

  “Bye, sis.” She pulls out of my driveway, and in a few seconds, she’s gone.

  I stare at Dré and Eli, and I swear I feel like everything has changed. I don’t know how to be with them after being with somebody else. It feels like I just cheated on my friends. It’s weird and doesn’t make sense, but with Lennox, I was a girl—a full-fledged girl, flirting with a boy at a party and talking about masturbation and sex.

  I don’t do that with Dré and Eli.

  When I get to the Bat Mobile, Dré’s already getting out of the car, and he gives me a once-over. “You have fun?” He’s wearing jeans and a white V-neck shirt fitted to his body. His eyes keep flashing down the street like Lennox might reappear.

  “I did.” I’m looking at him in this way that makes my cheeks burn, and it’s all Lennox’s fault.

  His eyes squint ever so slightly, and I feel caught.

  I look away.

  He pokes my stomach. “You look cute.” I smack his hand away. I hate it when he does that. I almost think he does it because he knows I hate it, and the way he said cute—it’s like he’s trying to get me to admit I tried to look nice.

  Ugh. Just like that, I feel like that kid playing dress up in Mommy’s closet. Chemistry is not what I have with him. I have pure fiery rage that’s about to flick him in the middle of his forehead.

  “What?” Dré says. He’s bending down, trying to catch my eyes.

  Eli’s putting his phone in his pocket and opening the trunk.

  “How was the club?” I say it to Eli, since he still hasn’t said anything to me.

  His head pops out from the side of the car. “Normal. Except no one was there to tell Dré his hair was okay, so he kept running his hands through it and all that shit in his hair made his hands slick.”

  Dré’s rolling his eyes. “Dude.”

  “He dropped the mic on some girl’s face.” Eli’s laughing as he shuts the trunk with his keyboard in his other hand. He walks over to me, and I swear to god, if I hadn’t seen him lean in, I’d never have known it really happened.

  Eli kisses my temple. Just under the hairline—quick, like he’s kissing a kid sister—except I’m not his sister and even Dré raises an eyebrow.

  Eli looks down at me. “You do look nice.”

  What the fuck just happened.

  Dré’s face is back to normal as he gets back into his car and leans out the window. “Anyway, all I know is you ruined my night. Thanks for not being there for me.” He winks. Then he pulls out of the driveway and shouts, “You’re dead to me!” as he drives away.

  Eli’s still looking at me, and when I meet his eyes, he’s back to normal Eli. Except we’re standing outside in the middle of the night, staring at each other. We’re both doing the Lennox thing—and neither of us is doing anything about it. I can’t help but think about Kai, who was so direct. He said I was hot. He asked for my number, and he asked me on a freaking date.

  The guy I’ve known for years—the guy I talk to every day—is just staring at me, and even though he kissed me, I still don’t know what it means. It had to mean something—but we’re alone with no one else around, and he still won’t say anything.

  I want to provoke him into it, tell him about Kai so he knows the clock is ticking—but that’s petty, and I don’t want to strong-arm him into asking me out. I want him to do it of his own accord.

  Eli scratches the back of his head. “Tonight was crazy. The crowd was way into it, and some girl even gave me her number.” He’s biting the bottom of his lip, like I’m supposed to be impressed.

  Is he serious right now? This might be a tad irrational, but I want to take Eli’s phone and chuck it into the nearest lake. I’m grinding my teeth, and I have to force myself to relax. I don’t want him to know how much that bothered me. “Wild, I just got asked out by a guy at that party.”

  Eli’s eyebrows shoot up to the top of his head, and he shoves his free hand in his pocket. “Wow.”

  I want to say I’m not offended by the sheer shock on his face, but I am. “Why is it so shocking someone would ask me out?” Why is he shocked that someone could find me attractive and datable?

  He lets out a small laugh and shakes his head. “Don’t go crazy on me. I only said wow.”

  This. This is why I can never figure out if he actually likes me or if I’ve just deluded myself into thinking something is going on between us.

  He sighs. “Liv, chill, I meant it as a good thing. Anyways it’s late. Go to bed before midnight for once in your life.”

  And he’s off—walking to his house. After all the practices where we’ve spent time dancing and laughing and singing stupid love songs, I thought we were seconds from taking the plunge. But then he kissed me on the temple...and told me he got a girl’s number.

  What. The. Actual. Fuck.

  I’m inside, slamming my keys on the counter, and my mom asks about the party. She’s on the couch working on her laptop and I expect her to half listen to me but I’ve got her full undivided attention. Great.

  “It was okay.” I’m trying not to sound like someone peed in my apple juice, but Eli’s driving me up the wall.

  “O-kay,” she says all slow, pulling off her glasses. “Were Dré and Eli there?”

  I don’t know why she’s fishing for information. She saw me take off with Lennox. “No. They had a gig.”

  “Hmph.” She leans back onto the couch pillows. “You three are usually joined at the hip.”

  I plop down in the armchair and wrap the brown afghan around me. It’s always cold in the house. I try to breathe out my irritation, because I can already tell I’m being standoffish, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I want to tell her about Eli, ask for her advice, but she’ll make it weird and so I just stuff it down deep and change the subject altogether. “It was an audition party. I’m trying out for the school musical.” I hold up my hand as her mouth drops a bit. “Don’t make it a thing.”

  She puts her laptop on the coffee table. “But this is huge, Olivia.” She tries to compose herself. I’ve seen her do this a hundred times when she thinks I’m being skittish and close to running off to my room. “I’m saying it’s a big deal, because you’re so talented and I always thought you’d make a great performer if you only...” she pauses, and I know she’s debating finishing that sentence “...came out of your shell.”

  It really sucks when everyone who is supposed to know you the best thinks you’re this hermit who can’t let loose and have fun. My mom, Dré, and Eli, they see me like the bartender did. I’m surprised they aren’t stockpiling cat litter for my future fortysomething cats that will eat my corpse when I die old and alone.

  I just nod my head and turn on the TV, because telling her I’m not in a shell will trigger her taking me on a trip down memory lane where she points out every moment she thinks I’ve been shy. I’m not shy. I’m just weird—and I like deep conversations instead of chatting about the weather. I like friends I know instead of peopl
e I don’t. I like long car rides going nowhere instead of parties where the music is too loud to even think.

  I like those things. Eli likes those things. We are like the same person, so how can’t he see how much I really want him to want me?

  Chapter 9

  It’s Sunday night. I’m standing in line waiting to buy my movie ticket, and I have to let yet another couple skip in front of me because we can’t figure out which movie we’re watching.

  This is why I hate hanging out with other people. If it were just Dré, Eli, and I, we’d have settled this in less than thirty seconds—mainly because Eli always picks the best movies. But Dré’s invited half the band—okay, like three other people who aren’t uncool, but it changes the dynamic.

  There’s Kara, Alexandra, and Tyler. It’s not like I have a problem with them—except I do. Kara rode with us, which I didn’t know was going to happen, and she sat in the back with Eli, chatting him up the entire ride.

  She’s still chatting him up about some dumbass movie she saw the other night, while we’re all trying to figure out what to watch now. It’s a choice between horror and action, and honestly, I don’t know shit about either of these movies and this is a waste of precious homework time.

  Dré nudges me with his shoulder. He’s got his hands stuffed in his pockets because it’s abnormally chilly tonight; he hates the cold and will literally huddle like a penguin for the tiniest bit of heat. I’m cold, too, which is another reason why Kara needs to shut the fuck up so we can pick a movie already.

  Tyler’s taller than all of us, and his voice is incredibly deep for a boy who plays a soprano sax. “I’m down for the horror. I know the ladies might get scared, but we’re here for y’all.” I’m rolling my eyes, because he and Alexandra are one dark room away from sealing the deal on the heavy flirting they’ve been doing since band camp. In fact, I can’t figure out why Dré invited them since they’re clearly making this a date, and Kara obviously thinks this is hookup time.

  I purposely tap Eli’s shoe, because now he’s telling Kara about some stupid video game as if the rest of us aren’t freezing right now.

  He looks at me and raises a bushy brow.

  “Which movie?” I say. I know I sound like a bitch right now, but he’s the one who convinced me to come tonight even though I have math and history and I need to finish up reading for English. I thought he was going to... I don’t know, use this opportunity to make something happen. I’m so stupid.

  “Whichever,” he says, like a chipper fucking bird on a spring morning, before turning back to Kara.

  Kara leans into him. “I’m so cold. I pick horror. I’m a total wuss though.”

  “Well, that’s fucking brilliant.” I can’t believe I said it out loud. Everyone is staring at me, and Kara’s one of those simple bitches who wears her stupid, easily offended emotions on her face, so I course correct. “I was talking about something else—something I just saw.” No one believes me, and I know it was a sad excuse, but...whatever.

  The rest of us agree to watch the horror if not just to get inside, and we split up to save seats and buy concessions. I’m in line with Eli and Tyler when Tyler hands me money so he can use the bathroom.

  Eli’s fidgeting. He knows I’m mad but probably won’t say anything about it, because he’s not the confrontational type, and that drives me up the wall. So, I don’t say anything either.

  I order a bunch of stuff for Dré and me and go to the butter station to grab napkins and straws. Tyler comes out of the bathroom in time to take some of the popcorn and drinks just as Eli starts grabbing napkins.

  I honestly don’t know why I’m so bothered. I’m not his girlfriend. Obviously he’s allowed to talk to other girls—or flirt—or whatever. I just don’t understand why he’s the way he is with me if he’s going to turn around and chat up wide-eyed, blonde, bobble-head-looking-ass Kara.

  I also hate that I’m mad at her. She doesn’t deserve that, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to feel this way either. Ugh.

  I’m shoving napkins into my too-tiny pockets when Eli laughs.

  “That...doesn’t seem like it’s working.”

  I hate that I agreed to carry all this shit back for these ungrateful punks. This is supposed to be a fun movie night but carrying this crap when I have piles of homework at home is not fun. “Well, unless you have a bright idea, I can do without the commentary.”

  He sighs, and I know I’m pushing him away, but I really do want him away right now. I don’t like feeling like this. I need to get over him and move on. He’s made it clear that he’s open for business. A girl gave me her number. Like I fucking asked.

  He’s walking toward the theatre, and I’m walking behind him—how can someone be so familiar and yet so completely foreign at the same time? Right now I feel like I don’t know him at all. Like our time together has been a figment of my imagination, because why else would he string me along just to flirt with another girl in front of me?

  Everyone has picked seats in the middle of the theatre, and there are two open seats between Kara and Dré. I cringe, because, despite it all, I’m relieved that I’m going to be sitting next to Eli. I’m clearly one of those people who likes pain, because Kara’s face lights up as she calls Eli over, holding out her hands to help him with the popcorn.

  I plop down next to Dré and hand him his popcorn. I put the soda between us realizing I forgot to get my own. As I get up, with a hard exhale, he pulls me back down.

  He’s looking at me like he can tell I’m a few seconds from Hulking out. “We’ll share.”

  I nod, staring at the screen, because I feel like I might cry. And I feel like an idiot for putting myself through this. The previews haven’t even started, and Dré pulls out his phone and shows me funny cat memes. He does this when I’m upset, and I wonder if he knows.

  He shoves his phone in my face as a cat readies itself for a jump and completely fails. I smile, but I kind of feel like that cat. Like, since the summer, I’ve been readying myself to jump into some kind of relationship with Eli, and just when I was about to take the leap...splat.

  The movie starts and I’m already over it.

  Eli leans into me as he pulls a box of M&M’s out his pocket. “Hey, I got you these.” He hands me the box, and I want to chuck them back in his face, because he’s doing it again. Making me feel special. And I have no idea what this means, because now he’s leaning back in his chair and laughing at something Kara says.

  I’m telling myself that I’m a super jealous, overreacting asshole when light flashes on the screen and Kara jumps and grabs Eli’s hand. I spend the next several minutes waiting for him to pull his away...and he doesn’t.

  He just sits there with Kara clutching him, and—fuck it.

  I can’t sit here watching this. My stomach is turning, but if I leave, where will I go? Dré is my ride home—but I can’t stay here.

  I get up and leave.

  I know it’s petty, and I’m completely ruining the evening for everyone, but I can’t sit there and watch that. I’m his best friend, I know everything about him, but clearly that’s not enough.

  I’m not enough, which means he’s just not attracted to me—he’s attracted to white girls like Kara. What else could it be? That is the biggest difference between us and I can’t even hate him for having a preference—and I get that all of America is conditioned to love skinny little white girls, but this is like a blade in the heart, because he’s my best friend, and apparently anything more than that is beyond his imagination. Yet there is this pathetic part of me that still wants to believe he might like me. I’m such a fucking loser, and I can’t stand myself right now.

  I’m in the arcade room, sitting in a Jurassic Park game, when the curtain opens and Dré sticks his head in.

  “Everything okay?”

  I look at him and hold up my phone. “Got a call.”
<
br />   He nods. “Sure. I call bullshit, but sure.” He doesn’t have the grace to let me save face.

  “I don’t like horror movies.”

  He scoots in next to me, and the screen flashes over our faces. “Yeah, it’s stupid. We should have gone to the one about—I don’t know what any of these movies are about.” He starts laughing.

  The thing about Dré’s laughs is they’re kind of contagious, so I smile a little. We’re quiet, staring at the flickering Start screen, when he says, “You’ve got to stand up for yourself.”

  I don’t know if he’s talking about Eli or about picking the movie, so I just say, “Everyone wanted to watch the movie, and I didn’t want to stand outside anymore.”

  He lets out a small breath and looks at me.

  I keep my eyes on the flickering screen. I’m not going to admit to him that I know he’s probably talking about Eli. I don’t want to admit that I have feelings for Eli, let alone acknowledge that Dré can tell—which means Eli can tell and is clearly trying to show me he isn’t interested.

  Dré gets out of the booth and walks around to my side, then pulls my curtain back. “Let’s crash another movie.”

  Honestly, I just want to sit in this little Jurassic Park booth and turn into a puddle of pity, but Dré’s already waving me out, and next thing I know we’re walking into a theatre as cars are blowing up. Even if I feel like complete trash, at least I feel like trash with a friend who isn’t going to let me wallow in it.

  I’m adding another thing to the Fuck It list: 5. Stop crushing and move on.

  Chapter 10

  In normal Tuesday fashion, Mr. Kaminski is yelling at Aaron because he’s playing the timpani with the cover on. We’re thirty minutes into class, and this kid still hasn’t taken the cover off the timpani. Mr. Kaminski is about to blow a blood vessel, and while he’s chewing the rest of us out for being subpar and an overall disappointment, he’s got spit flying from his mouth, and us flutes are on the front lines.

  I’m not moving an inch, because I didn’t practice over the last two days, reserving that time for going over lines and the songs for the musical auditions. Eli and I haven’t practiced together since the whole movie thing three days ago. He’s been acting like everything is normal, which is normal for us—ignoring all the problems until they just go away—but auditions are coming up Friday.