by Ellis, Tara
My cousin and I was working our asses off but I stopped when I saw his car pull up outside. Each time he stopped by, my nerves were on edge thinking this was the day he fired my ass. “Shit,” I said as I watched him jump out of his expensive truck with another man in tow. I recognized the man off the bat. He was another contractor, in fact, I’d beat his bid on the first job I’d done for Jamison.
“What?” My cousin, Bo said. He looked down from the ladder at me.
“He finna’ fire us,” I said.
“Ah hell naw! We gonna at least get paid for the work we’ve already done, right?”
I shook my head. That wouldn’t be enough after I split it with Bo. My treatments were adding up like a mutha’fucka’.
We held our breath until Jamison walked inside. He seemed to stop dead in his tracks as soon as he laid his eyes on me. It was the same reaction Bo had given me when he first saw me today. I must have looked like a completely different person with my hair gone. I’d almost forgot I’d cut it until I saw the reaction from people who knew me.
“Hello Jamison,” I said breaking his stare.
He blinked his eyes a few times before clearing his throat. The man standing next to him took it upon himself to start looking around. He walked around examining our work and it gyrated on my nerves.
Jamison walked over to me and sighed, “The job was supposed to be finished by now, Amir.”
I couldn’t argue with him so I didn’t say nothing.
“I needed it finished, like weeks ago.”
I looked at him and nodded. “I know, Jamison. And I take full responsibility for that.” I’d already started packing up my materials.
He placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “Wait. Stop.”
I stopped and looked up at him. If he wanted me to beg him for my job, that wouldn’t be happening. All I had left was my pride and I planned on keeping it.
He reached inside the collar of his shirt and lifted a silver necklace. “Three years complete remission.”
I gaped at him.
“Colon,” he said. And it was the first time I noticed the sympathy behind his eyes. “You?”
“Prostate,” I said.
It was his turn to gape at me. “But you’re so young.”
I chuckled. “Tell that to my prostate.”
He dropped his head and stuck both of his hands into his slacks. “Come on, Dean. I changed my mind.” He called out to the other contractor. “Seems to me, these guys have this under control.”
I looked at Jamison hoping my eyes said everything my mouth couldn’t. I was filled with so much gratitude that it left me speechless.
Dean looked like he’s just swallowed something whole but didn’t say anything. He just followed Jamison out of the room.
Before walking out, Jamison turned around and gave me another look, “Good luck, Amir. I’ll be praying for you.” Then he turned around and walked out of the building.
He had no idea how much his words had touched me.
After finishing up for the day and giving the job my complete all, I headed home where Charlie was waiting for me. She’d all but moved in with me. She spent more time at my apartment than she did at her house. Her husband was contesting their divorce and I knew it was getting to her but she tried her best to hide her frustrations.
I prepared myself for her reaction when I walked into the apartment. I’d been lying to her for the last three months, pretending everything was all good when it was the complete opposite. I never told her what Dr. Johnson had said or that I’d even started chemo. I knew the word chemo scared the shit out of people and the last thing I wanted was to see fear on Charlie’s face. I loved that girl more than I thought was possible and it killed me to look at her every day knowing I was lying to her. Knowing I was breaking the only promise she’d asked me to keep.
It wasn’t that I was a piece of shit, I just didn’t want to hurt her. She’d been through so much with Kesha and she damn near worried herself sick about her, I didn’t need to be another person she had to worry about.
I put my key in the door and took a deep breath. When I stepped inside she was already walking toward me with her arms outstretched. But as soon as she laid her eyes on my bald head, she froze. Then she gasped, her hand went to her mouth.
“Damn, do I look that bad?” I said with a nervous laugh.
But she didn’t laugh. Her eyes went watery and I sighed again. This was the last thing I wanted to happen but I’d prepared myself for tears. Tears, I could handle, I could kiss those away. Anger was what I was praying I didn't get.
“Amir!” She walked up to me and ran her hands across my clean shaven head. “Chemotherapy? But I thought…”
I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want to see the look on her face when she realized I’d kept something from her…again.
I walked to the couch and sat down. I was hoping she’d follow me like she always did. I was hoping she’d lay her head on my chest and tell me how much she loved listening to my heartbeat like she always did. But she stood across the room staring at me with eyes that were full of questions and hurt. It damn near killed me to know I was the reason she felt like that.
“I didn’t tell you because you were going through so much with Kesha’s disappearance and I didn’t want you to have to worry about me on top of all that,” I said and once I said it, I realized it sounded lame as hell.
“But I do worry about you, Amir!” She looked at me and her voice was full of fear. “I worry about you more than anyone. I think about your cancer every single day that I wake up. You know what I do when the worry gets to be too much? I remind myself that you said most of your cancer was gone. I remind myself that you promised you wouldn’t keep anything from me. That’s how I keep myself sane, Amir. I remind myself of your got-damn promise!”
And there it was. The anger I’d been hoping I wouldn’t get. But as I looked at her, I realized she was just scared. She wasn’t mad, she was standing there trembling with fear. I stood up and walked over to her. She tried to fight me at first, but I held on to her as tight as I could. I buried my face into her hair that smelled like cinnamon. God, I loved this woman.
“I can’t lose you, Amir. She wrapped her arms around me just as tight as I was holding on to her. And there we stood in the middle of my living room holding on to one another tight as hell. Both fearing the exact same thing.
After laying everything on the table and telling Charlie the whole truth, we were both so physically drained that neither one of us had the strength to cook but we both were starving. She’d suggested we go to some bourgeois ass restaurant saying she needed a treat after the news I’d dropped on her. It wasn’t pretty, but it was true. My cancer wasn’t getting better and each time I visited Dr. Johnson, his optimism was lower and lower. He didn’t want to outright tell me I was dying, but I knew it. I hadn’t wrapped my head around the idea of death, in fact, I did everything in my power not to think about it. A nigga was scared as hell to die. And every time I looked at Charlie it gave me a thousand more reasons why I had to live; why I had to beat this cancer.
Charlie
We drove to the restaurant in complete silence. I wasn’t sure what Amir was thinking but my mind was all over the place. I couldn’t grasp the notion that Amir was dying. Looking at the man, you would never be able to guess he even had cancer; let alone that the cancer was beating him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and it seemed so overwhelmingly unfair that I wouldn’t get to spend my forever with this man. I reached over and grabbed his hand. He squeezed my hand, looked at me, and gave me the smile that I’d fallen in love with. The smile I’d grown accustomed to seeing, the smile I needed to see.
Amir had been my rock these last few months. Once I found out Kesha was missing, I’d ran straight to Amir. I should have noticed it that night that something was off about him, but I was lost in my own grief to notice his.
Now, as I sat in the passenger side of the car watching him drive, I
was able to remember that night completely and how foolishly blind I had been.
I’d rushed to his house and he’d welcomed me with comforting arms. He’d told me at least a hundred times that Harris and the other police officers were going to find Kesha, and that she was ok, but that didn’t alieve my anguish. My imagination ran wild with the different possibilities of what could have been going on with my best friend.
Amir held on to me and wouldn’t let me go until the tears stopped coming, until my body had stopped shaking.
“Can I pray for you, Charlie?” He’d asked that night.
Something inside of my soul leapt when he’d asked me that. I’d pulled away from him and looked him in his beautiful eyes and nodded. I’d never had a man ask to pray for me and that made me fall even more in love with him
He’d took both of my hands inside of his and prayed for Kesha’s safety and her return. Then he prayed for God to give me peace. And I was sure his words had reached God’s ears because I felt a calm like none other wash over me. After he prayed, we laid in his bed, wrapped up in each other’s arms. We’d fallen into each other, completely and absolutely. Body, mind, heart, and soul.
Little had I known, he was going through his own battle and needed prayer himself. I felt incredibly selfish knowing everything I knew now.
But Kesha had been found, and she was safe physically, but mentally, she was injured. And daily I worried about her, daily I talked Amir’s ear off about how I stressed about Kesha’s issues. No wonder he hadn’t told me his cancer had taken a turn for the worse.
But how could I have not noticed? Looking at him now, he did look thinner, a bit less muscle, his jaw line more taut. He’d been doing chemotherapy and suffering those side effects in silence. Being married to an oncologist, I knew a great deal about cancer, yet I ignored the signs that were all up in my face. And I wasn’t there for Amir when he truly needed me. Guilt ate the lining of my stomach and I squeezed his hand.
We pulled up to the restaurant and gave the valet my car. We didn’t have reservations but were seated right away. The restaurant was fancy, and dim lit, adding an intimate touch to dinner.
I sat across from Amir and studied his face. He was still as beautiful as the day I met him. Without the hardness the dreadlocks added to his appearance, he looked exactly like a pretty boy. He didn’t look sick. Maybe if I told myself that enough, it would become true.
“You been here before?” He asked as he looked over the menu.
I forced a smile on my face and nodded. There were still so many questions I wanted to ask about the cancer but I knew it would be best to let the conversation for rest of the night be cancer-free.
“Shit is expensive as hell,” he joked. He looked up at me and his hazel green eyes seemed to pierce into my soul.
“I love you,” I blurted.
He dropped the menu and frowned. “Charlie…”
“No, no, lemme’ say this,” I said. “I love you more than I ever thought could be possible. Nothing compares to how you make me feel, Amir. Not my success, the money, the cars, nothing.”
He reached across the table and took my hand inside of his and I could have fallen apart right then and there but I managed to hold it together.
I continued, “You came into my life during a time when it was falling apart and you hit the reset button.” I told myself I wasn’t going to cry so I swallowed hard, forcing the tears to stay at bay. “I mean, I thought I’d experienced it all, but every day, Amir, you show me I haven’t seen nothing. I feel connected to you in ways that scare me sometime. You make me feel things that I never thought were possible.”
He was about to open his mouth to say something but we were interrupted when Rick walked over to our table. He was looking like he’d seen a ghost. It had to be hell to see me sitting, holding another man’s hand but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about Rick’s feelings and was pissed off that he had the nerve to walk over and interrupt my dinner. He’d been making my life a complete hell fighting me on every end of the divorce. He flat out refused to let me go. But little did he know I’d been gone a long time ago. And it was thanks to the man sitting across from me.
I knew Rick wouldn’t make a scene because above all, his appearance meant everything to him. I didn’t want him to upset Amir. Not today of all days.
“Dr. Johnson!” Amir stood up to greet Rick but looked stunned when Rick suddenly backed away from him.
“What the fuck is going on here?” Rick’s voice was low and incensed. He looked from Amir to me and then back at Amir. “You’re fucking my wife, Amir?”
The look on Amir’s face was indescribable. He stood frozen in shock and it felt like a full minute had passed before he looked back at me and said, “Dr. Johnson is your husband?”
It all made sense to me and once again, I felt foolishly blind. Of course Rick was Amir’s doctor! How could he not have been? Rick was one of the best oncologist in the country. Of course, Amir was going to seek him out. I thought back to how he’d bragged on his doctor, and how he was convinced that his doctor was going to save his life. He’d been talking about Rick all along.
I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out.
Kesha
I woke up just how I’d fallen asleep. Buried in Harris’ arms. Ever since he’d found me in that condemned house, he been my shadow. For the last three months, everywhere I went, Harris followed. He even came along to my counseling sessions. He would wait outside the room reading magazines as I talked to the psychologist, trying to deal with the post-traumatic stress I’d been diagnosed with.
With each passing day, I was getting better, I was healing. Charlie and Lake had been my strong support system, but Harris had been my foundation. All I could do was laugh at how I’d been so close to writing love off completely, and here God had sent this man to me. He was an answer to a prayer I never prayed but I was thankful for him.
When I stirred in his arms, he groaned and turned over. “You up?”
I climbed out of bed, feeling better than I’d felt in weeks. “I want pancakes.”
Harris was a terrible cook so he knew I wasn’t asking him to cook them for me. I hadn’t bothered cooking anything for the last three months so he looked at me with wide eyes, “You’re cooking?”
“Yeah. Pancakes and bacon.” I headed to my bathroom to wash up before walking into my kitchen. There were boxes on top of boxes, all over the place. I’d decided to put my condo on the market two months ago. I couldn’t bare living in the same place that I’d once shared with Darnel. And I knew if I was ever going to get to feeling like myself again, I needed to move out. I needed a fresh start.
Harris was incessant about me moving in with him, but each time he asked, I refused. I wanted to live on my own. I wanted to get used to how it felt living on my own before I moved in with a man again. Oh, but I was going to take him up on his offer, eventually. Something about Harris felt permanent, so I knew it was only a matter of time before we had a place together.
For weeks after I’d been found, I struggled with nightmares. It took a while for me to accept the fact that I’d actually taken a life. Even though there were several people who said he deserved it, I still struggled with the fact that I’d been the one to kill Darnel. But I was getting over it, slowly but surely. I hadn’t had a nightmare in months. I attributed part of that to the fantastic psychologist that was helping me work through these issues, but mainly to Harris who made me feel safe and secure in his arms every night.
He was wracked with guilt, constantly blaming himself for not being able to protect me from Darnel, so he was going above and beyond to make me feel safe.
I’d begun talking to my sister again. In fact, two days after I’d been rescued, she flew to Texas. It was refreshing, seeing her and I vowed to never go days without speaking to her again. Now, every time she called me, she asked about Harris. She was all but convinced that he was the one. And I had to agree with her.
I smiled to my
self as I flipped the pancakes on the griddle. I heard the shower start up and by the time Harris had came out of the bathroom, his breakfast was cold.
“Dang, you didn’t wait on me to eat?” He looked at me and then to my empty plate.
“Was I supposed to?”
“Wow, is this what I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life?” His voice had a smile in it but I could tell he was serious. And his words made my heart smile.
“Who said I’m spending the rest of my life with yo’ ass,” I said.
He walked over to me and then dropped down to one knee. He pulled a small red velvet box from his sweatpants’ pocket. “Well, that’s what I was hoping.”
I gasped and damn near jumped from the couch. I covered my mouth with both of my hands. Even though I was staring at him, and I could see the ring as clear as day, I couldn’t believe this was happening.
“Kesha Thomas, will you make me the happiest man in the world and say you will spend the rest of your life with me?”
I gawked at him. For these last three months, we’d gotten closer than close but I had no idea he was thinking about marriage. I wasn’t so sure I was ready for that gigantic step but I was sure I didn’t want to lose Harris.
“Marry you?”
Worry lines appeared on his forehead but the smile on his face didn’t falter. “Yes, Kesha. I know it’s sudden but I know I don’t want to be with any other woman but you. When Darnel took you and I thought I’d lost you forever, it was a feeling I never want to feel again.”
I fell to my knees in front of him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “This feels so crazy. But yes, I’ll marry you!”
He pulled away from me and placed the beautiful ring on my finger, then allowed me to smother him in kisses.
“Oh my God, Harris! It’s beautiful.” I stared at the ring. “We can’t rush this engagement, though. I still want to get an apartment and live on my own for at least a year,” I told him. “Let’s not rush to get to the altar. I need to take this engagement slowly.”