by Ellis, Tara
He nodded, “Whatever you need, Kesha. We can be engaged for ten years if that’s what you need. But let that ring on your finger be a daily reminder that I’m not going anywhere. I told you a long time ago to just give me a chance to show you that I’m not like any of the men in your past. Did I show you that?”
All I could do was nod and kiss the man that was going to be my husband one day. Things were turning around for me. My future looked nothing like my past.
Lake
Greg had finally been arrested for his wife’s murder. It was all over the news. He looked so pathetic pleading his innocence to every camera that was shoved in his face. I couldn’t feel sorry for him, I was too busy feeling relieved that I wouldn’t be getting arrested for the murder. On top of that, the guilt over my parents’ murder was diminishing with each passing day. I was convinced that no one was going to miss either one of them. No one was worried about two, old, retired black people that barely left their home.
I was lonelier than ever these days, though. So, I’d looked forward to Denise’s visits. She kept me company although it was hard to wrap my mind around who she really was. So I didn’t let myself think about it.
My so called friends were so wrapped up in their perfect ass lives to give a damn about me. Kesha had killed Darnel’s ass and went and got engaged to her knight in shining armor. How come shit never happened to me like that? Why didn’t I get a Prince Charming after Greg did me so bad?
When we all met up for lunch, I had pretended to be happy for her when she showed us her ring. It was alright, kind of small for my taste, but at least she had ring! She was going to be someone’s wife. And it didn’t take a rocket scientist to tell that Harris was totally in love with her. I never seen a man look at me the way he looked at Kesha. And she was happy, so damn happy.
And then there was Charlie. She was happy too, even though her nigga was dying. He was fine as hell when we first met him. I remember seething in envy because I’d never met a man so beautiful in my life, but now he just looked like a shell of a man.
I couldn’t understand why Charlie was holding on to the belief that he was going to be a cancer survivor. Even a blind person could tell he wasn’t going to make it. He’d even been admitted to the hospital last week because of some kind of complications with his illness. But her dumb ass stayed up at that hospital day in and day out holding his hand and shit. Even though I thought she was stupid as hell, I was still jealous because at least she had a man.
And I was all alone.
My life wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to have my baby and then marry her father. I was never supposed to be a single mother. Of course, life had other ideas for me and now here I was. Broke and alone. And there was nothing I could do about it.
Sitting at home alone with crying ass Destiny was driving me up the wall. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself so I got up, got dressed and headed to Charlie’s house. I made sure to call her first to make sure she was at home instead of at the shop, or at the damn hospital with Amir.
I was shocked that she was actually home, so I headed over. When I made it to Charlie’s house, I gave her a hug and asked how she was doing although I really didn’t care. All she was going to do was go on and on about Amir and I was so tired of hearing about that nigga. I mean, Charlie was gorgeous and rich! She could have had her pick of men, but here she was stuck on a man who probably wasn’t going to make it to see next week.
After hugging her, sure enough, she went into detail about Amir and I stared at a painting she had on her wall. It was an ugly piece of shit and I wondered why the hell she’d bought it. After she was done talking, I looked at her and gave her the saddest face I could muster. Like I’d been paying attention to her.
I even said, “It’s gonna be okay, Charlie. Amir’s a fighter.”
She smiled when I said that. She always smiled when someone said something like that, even though it was a bold faced lie.
She held Destiny in her arms and was cooing at her like she always did. It pissed me off that Destiny never acted a fool when Charlie was holding her. She never screamed and cried her eyes out like she did when we were at home. That really pissed me off. It made me feel like she wished Charlie was her mama. I had to literally shake my head in order to shake those thoughts away. It was stupid to think that way. Destiny was too young to have those kinds of thoughts. Even as I told myself that, I still glared at Charlie as she held my daughter.
“So, Rick is still Amir’s doctor?” I tried to wipe the sneer off my face when I asked, but I couldn’t help it. That shit was funny as hell to me.
She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Girl, yes. But you know Rick is so professional. He won’t let anything personal keep him from trying to save someone’s life. I admire him for that.”
She smiled after saying that and for some reason her smile made me angry. I jumped up from the couch and started pacing. Charlie never got under my skin the way she was doing now. But the weird thing about it was, she wasn’t even doing anything. I loved Charlie like a blood sister, so I wasn’t sure why I was glaring at her now like she was an enemy.
Denise.
It was Denise who couldn’t stand Charlie. She always talked bad about Charlie and Kesha. She hated them, not me. Lately, I found myself fighting between my feelings and Denise’s. Now that I knew who she really was, it felt like she was taking control of my mind. Her feelings and thoughts were overpowering my own and I was struggling to regain control.
“What’s wrong with you?” Charlie was looking up at me. She looked worried. Lately, Charlie always looked worried, but it was the first time her worry was reserved for me.
I couldn’t stop pacing though. I was telling my feet to stop, I was telling myself to go sit back down and chill out, but my feet weren’t obeying me. They were obeying Denise.
“Lake, what’s wrong with you?” Charlie asked again.
“Oh, so now you’re worried about me!” I blurted out. But I didn’t really want to say that.
I didn’t like the way Charlie was looking at me. She stopped rocking Destiny and gaped at me.
“It’s not Kesha you’re worried about? Or Amir?” I scoffed. “It’s always Kesha this or Kesha that. Or worse, it’s Amir! Who really gives a fuck about Amir!” I laughed and the laugh was as nasty as what I’d just said.
But I didn’t want to say that, I could never say something so hurtful to Charlie. Her face curled as the realization of what I’d just said hit her. I regretted saying it instantly and fought with my lips to apologize. But my lips weren’t obeying me, they were following all of Denise’s commands. And she was stronger than me.
“All you do is whine and cry about a nigga you ain’t even known that long. So what the nigga is dying! Just find another one. Do you know how tired I am of hearing about Amir?”
Charlie laid Destiny on her changing mat. She stood to her feet and gave me a look I’d never seen before. She pointed to her door and yelled, “Bitch, get the fuck out my house!”
I wanted to scream out to her and tell her it wasn’t me saying these things, but of course I couldn’t. Instead, I laughed and shook my head. “Bitch, put me out.”
Charlie lunged at me and we both went tumbling to the floor.
“You don’t give a fuck about me! You never have. You don’t call and ask how I’m doing. No, you call and go on and on about Kesha or Amir. What kind of friend are you?” I screamed out as she took a handful of my hair.
“You crazy fuckin’ bitch!” Charlie was saying as she slammed my head into the floor.
“No, you’re a selfish bitch! You don’t call and see how Destiny is doing. You haven’t even asked how I’m doing and my fuckin parents are dead but you don’t care how I’m dealing with that, now do you?”
As soon as I said it, she froze. She released my hair and jumped away from me as if I’d told her I had an extremely contagious disease.
“Lake, what the fuck?”
No, no, no, I couldn
’t tell her this! I fought with everything in me to keep from saying it. But my lips and voice no longer belonged to me.
“My parents are dead, Charlie! Both of them!” And then I laughed.
I couldn’t describe the look Charlie was giving me. “What do you mean, both of your parents are dead? How did they die, Lake?”
“You remember the 11th grade, Charlie?” I said. My voice was sounding funny now. I knew I was talking but the voice coming out of me sounded nothing like my own. “You remember when my parents sent me away and everybody was saying all this dumb shit about where I had been?”
Charlie didn’t answer me but I noticed she was inching herself further away from me.
“They sent me to a fuckin’ mental institution,” I shook my head. “Those mutha’fuckas sent me to the crazy house. Said I was certifiable…and I guess I was.”
“But why, Lake?” Charlie said.
“Because I tried to kill that bitch. You know, the bitch that was fuckin’ with Zodrick. I tried to kill her ass.” I heard Charlie gasp but it didn’t stop me from talking. “I promised the next bitch that tried to fuck with my man was gonna be a dead bitch. And I made good on that promise, Charlie. That’s why I killed Greg’s wife.”
“Oh my God, Lake! You didn’t!” Charlie was on her feet now. She was already across the room.
But I didn’t follow her. I didn’t move, I just kept talking. “Yeah, I killed her. Well, Denise killed her. And my parents…I was so sick of them, Charlie. Always talking down on me, always looking down on me. There is only so much I could take.” I was crying now. Crying so hard my body was shaking. And the tears weren’t Denise’s, they were mine.
I heard Charlie on her phone telling someone her address but I didn’t care. I was tired. More like, exhausted. I was tired of fighting with Denise for control of my mind. So I sat there exhausted, crying out for dear life.
Charlie walked over to me but she didn’t look scared of me. She looked worried again. And this worry was reserved all for me. For some reason, that comforted me. That made me smile on the inside. She sat next to me and wrapped her arms around me. She rocked me back and forth, just how she’d been rocking Destiny earlier. She kept saying it was going to be okay, and I believed her. So I closed my eyes and let Charlie rock me until the tears stopped coming.
Charlie
I would have cried as I watched them take Lake away. But I was completely out of tears. I’d been crying so much, for so long, that tears no longer came. I hugged Lake long and hard as guilt ripped me apart. How couldn’t I have seen what was going on with her? Everything and everyone that meant so much to me, now seemed to be getting torn from my life. I felt defeated.
I watched them as they took her away, not knowing where they were going to take her. They wanted to take Destiny too, but I gave them a look filled with so much venom that the police officers decided to just let Child Protective Services deal with me.
I needed to call Kesha and tell her everything, but decided to wait. She had so much on her plate now, how would she deal with all of this? How was I going to deal with all of this?
I felt like I was on auto pilot as I bundled Destiny’s small body up, placed her in her car seat, and headed to the hospital.
The hospital had become my second home. It was where I spent most of my time now. I’d delegated most of the shop’s day to day operations to my manager and canceled all of my clients’ appointments for the rest of the month. Only one thing mattered to me, and that was Amir.
He was dying. I knew that but I couldn’t accept that. So I’d convinced myself if I spent as much time with him in the hospital, he would get better. He needed me there so I stayed there. But now, I needed him. After everything that had just happened with Lake, I needed Amir more than anything in my life.
I arrived at the hospital and made the familiar route to his room. I held on to Destiny for dear life as she bustled in my arms. Looking at her precious face broke my heart into millions of pieces. Everything was a mess now. Everything.
I entered Amir’s room and it was like he sensed my presence because he opened his eyes. And then he gave me a smile.
“Is that Destiny?” His voice was weak. Weaker than I remembered it being yesterday.
I nodded.
“She getting big,” he said. He was still smiling as he struggled to sit up in the hospital bed.
“Yeah, she is,” I said. I placed her in the detachable stroller seat and stared at her as she fought to stay awake.
“What’s wrong?” Amir asked. He was staring at me and I knew I couldn’t lie to him even if I tried. He knew my emotions as if they were his own.
I sighed as I tried to gather my thoughts. All of today’s events were taking a toll on my body and I shuddered at the thought of retelling them to Amir.
He moved over in his bed allowing room for me to crawl in. I did so, just like I’d done every day for the last week. I cuddled close to his thin body and he wrapped his arm around me. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his tired heartbeat. I cursed it for not beating stronger, for not fighting harder.
“You alright, Charlie?”
I surprised myself when I didn’t burst into tears. No, there were no more tears left in me. I told him everything that had happened and he was silent for a while afterwards.
“Wow,” he finally said. “What’s going to happen to Lake, now?”
I shrugged. “Only God knows.”
There was more silence between us. My visits were usually lighthearted, filled with kisses, and optimism…no matter how forced. But not today. There was a gloom that had followed me into the room and it rested on us, making us both heavy and desolate.
“I’m going to adopt Destiny,” I blurted, breaking the silence. I hadn’t really given it much thought so I wasn’t sure why I’d just said that. But as soon as I’d said it, I realized it was true.
I didn’t have to look up at Amir to know that he was smiling. I could hear it in his voice. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother, Charlie. I know it’s something you’ve been wanting for a long time.”
Although I fought hard, I couldn’t control my mind as it traveled to a cruel place. Yes, I wanted to be a mother almost more than anything. And I’d led myself to believe in fairy tales that I would be the mother of Amir’s children one day.
I felt something in me break as I laid there listening to the feeble heartbeat of the man I loved, who would never get to experience the joys of parenthood. I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat but was awakened to the sound of someone picking Destiny up and shooing her.
My eyes jolted open but fear quickly left as I recognized the person was Rick. He was bouncing her up and down trying to settle her fussiness. I looked up at Amir who was still asleep. I climbed out of his hospital bed as quietly as I could and Rick and I walked out of the room.
“She is getting to be a big girl, huh?” Rick said once we were outside of Amir’s room.
I nodded and gave him a weak smile.
“What is she doing here?”
“Long story,” I said.
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and then handed Destiny to me. He ran his hand over his head and took a deep breath. When he looked back at me, his eyes were sad. “Can you come to my office for a second?”
I didn’t have the energy to deal with Rick today. All fight had left my body and I just couldn’t fight with him today of all days.
He seemed to be able to read my mind because he threw up both of his hands and said, “It’s friendly, I promise.”
I sighed and followed him down the long corridor and on a silent elevator ride to his office. Once inside, I stood in the corner.
He reached inside of one of his desk drawers and handed me a piece of paper. He took Destiny from me and sat down.
I looked over the papers and silently gasped. When I looked up at him, he was staring at me.
“I’m not going to contest the divorce anymore, Charlie.”
I f
elt a weight lift off me. Although, I hadn’t thought about the divorce in weeks, this made me feel like there was one less battle I would have to fight.
I whispered, “Thank you.”
He gave me a drained smile and returned his attention to Destiny. “I wanna be in her life, though.”
Shock made my eyes widen.
“If that’s okay with Lake…and you.”
I nodded, “Of course it’s okay.” I decided I would tell him about Lake another day.
He looked at his watch and handed Destiny back to me. “I gotta go make a few rounds.”
I nodded and was about to follow him out of the office when he turned around and gave me a look I couldn’t describe. He looked like he was struggling to find the right words and finally said, “You love him, don’t you? I mean, really, really love him?”
Amir. I stared Rick directly in his eyes when I said, “I do.”
He gave me another smile that didn’t look completely like a smile and nodded, “I know you do.” Then he walked out of the office.
❤❤❤❤❤
Amir’s hospital room hadn’t been filled with this much laughter since he’d been admitted. But his father was cracking everyone up. He was a comical old man and almost everything that came out his mouth made everyone laugh. And man, did we need that laughter.
Miss Rosie sat on the side of him slapping his knee trying to get him to stop, but he was on a roll. Cher stood in the corner of the room, and even she was laughing.
Harris and Kesha were seated across the room with Destiny in Harris’ lap. And I was laying in Amir’s bed, with his arms wrapped around me.
It was the first time in the long time that no one in the room looked depressed, and everyone had genuine smiles on their faces, even Cher.
“Pops, you can’t be coming in here embarrassing me, man!” Amir said.
“It’s true, though,” Luther laughed. “He fell square on his ass and then had the nerve to look around trying to see if anyone saw it.”
We all burst into more laughter before a silence fell on the room. I knew it wouldn’t take long before the thoughts of cancer came back and stole everyone’s laughter.