Parly Road: The Glasgow Chronicles 1

by Ian Todd

  Tuesday

  It aw happened kind ae fast. Wan minute Senga wis telling Johnboy that she wis coming tae the party oan Friday dressed up as wan ae the Supremes and the next minute, Skull wis being shouted oot ae the class by Batty in the flesh.

  “Aye, there’s trouble brewing and things must be serious if that auld badger is wandering the corridors,” Johnboy hid said tae Senga.

  The only other time he could remember Batty appearing at their class door wis when Stuart Hurley goat expelled fur shiting in Olive’s desk drawer. Stuart hid nipped back tae the class as they aw trooped oot fur their morning playtime. When everywan hid sauntered back in twenty minutes later, Stuart hid put up his haun and asked Olive fur a pencil. She’d been that surprised by his request, that she’d let her guard doon fur a second. She’d probably thought that she’d goat through tae him efter aw these years ae him sitting there sleeping or gouging his finger up that beak ae his, so, withoot thinking, she’d reached doon, opened her desk drawer and stuck her haun in. It hid been like something oot ae a horror film. Johnboy could remember sitting wondering whit Stuart wis up tae, when suddenly this claw wae thick broon sticky stuff oan the finger tips ae it appeared in front ae her. Her expression hid been exactly the same as that wummin in the shower ae ‘Psycho’. She’d tried tae sniff whit wis oan they fingers ae hers fae aboot eight inches oot bit that obviously didnae dae the trick, so the sticky fingers hid moved in closer tae nearer two inches. If people hidnae been awake awready, the scream that blasted aw their ears and the windaes ae the whole school wid’ve done the trick. She hidnae turned up fur school fur a couple ae days efter that and they’d hid Batty in her place. When she’d returned, everywan in the class hid aw clapped wae joy tae see her. At the time, Johnboy thought that she’d been quite pleased and chuffed at their welcome because she didnae shout at them fur a couple ae days bit jist sat staring intae space, looking at the sky through the windaes that ran the length ae the classroom.

  Anyway, Johnboy wis trying tae figure oot whit the score wis wae Skull. It couldnae hiv been the fitba boots that wur the problem as he’d disappointed everywan by turning up at school that morning wearing a brand new pair ae shoes oan his feet. It wis strange no hearing the clickity clack echoing up and doon the corridors, bit there wis still something funny looking aboot them though. Apart fae being really shiny, they looked like lassies’ shoes because ye could practically see where his feet joined his toes. They also hid wee white holes oan the tap ae them where his toes wid be. Skull said his maw hid telt him that they wur dancing shoes and hid come fae wan ae the dancers oan ‘The White Heather Show’ and that’s why they looked funny. She’d also telt him that they wur aw the fashion doon in London fur boys their age. He wis fair chuffed wae them and hid even gied the class a wee twirl tae prove the point, oan tap ae Olive’s desk. It hidnae been long efter this that Olive hid disappeared and auld Paw Broon hid come in to sit wae the class, before Batty arrived oan the scene and shouted Skull oot.

  The next time they clocked eyes oan him wis in the efternoon. He strolled intae class, still in his shiny new dancing shoes, followed by Olive who looked as if she’d been greeting. Later oan, Skull telt Johnboy and Tony that Olive hid claimed that the shoes wur hers. She’d said that they wur her gaun-hame and coming-tae-work shoes which she kept in a bag under her desk during the day. Skull refused tae haun them o’er so Batty hid telt him tae piss aff hame and no tae come back. Later oan, Skull’s ma, wae him in tow, hid turned up at the school and offered Batty and Olive a square-go oot in the boys’ playground. Olive hid said that she knew the shoes wur hers because she could see the holes in them fae where her wee black satin bows used tae sit. Skull’s ma hid called her a fork-tongued harridan and said that she’d rock-solid proof that her daughter Betty hid bought them doon in Paddy’s market the previous Saturday. Tae keep the calm and tae stoap fae getting taken ootside fur a square-go wae a mad psycho wummin, Batty hid said that he wid ‘investigate the matter further’ and get back tae them. In the meantime, he didnae want tae interfere wae Skull’s education so he’d agreed that Skull should go back tae his class. Skull’s ma’s parting shot when she’d heided oot ae his office hid been, “Aye, ye dae that, ya diddy, ye!”

  Wednesday

  Efter filling themsels tae the gunnels wae rice and prunes fae the pink paid section, Tony decided he couldnae be arsed.

  “Ah’m dogging it this efternoon,” he announced.

  “So am Ah,” parroted Skull.

  “Whit dae ye mean?” Johnboy asked, watching the pair ae them go at each other in the middle ae a burping competition.

  “We’re no gaun back tae school the day,” Tony said, in between letting oot a big, deep belter.

  “Whit will youse dae then?”

  “Probably go midden-raking. Ah heard there’s always lucky midgie bins up the back ae Grafton Square since Parvais’s crowd moved in,” Skull said, lifting up his leg and farting at the same time as letting rip wae a corker fae the back ae his throat.

  “Beat that wan, ya fud-pad, ye,” he challenged Tony, who wis clearly impressed oan the wan haun bit disappointed that nothing wis coming oot ae his arse despite staunin there grunting like a constipated pig.

  “Ah never heard aboot any lucky midgies,” Johnboy said, clearly disappointed that Skull knew something that he didnae, fae doon at Johnboy’s end ae the Toonheid.

  “Ye remember when Ah grabbed they two water guns aff ae that wee specky knob last week…the wan that hings aboot wae yer pal…whit’s his name?” Skull asked.

  “Fat Boy Milne?”

  “Aye. He said that he goat them up there and that there’s always tons ae good stuff.”

  “Well, if youse ur no gaun back tae school, then Ah’m no either,” Johnboy declared, suddenly jumping intae his best Charles Atlas pose and letting fly wae a sound fae that arse ae his that wid’ve put a grizzly bear tae shame…tae hysterics fae the other two.

  They never reached the lucky midgie bins that day. They’d decided tae try and get as close tae Grafton Square as they could withoot touching any pavements. This meant that they’d tae use the school walls and aw the dykes in the back courts tae get tae where they wur gaun. Two hours and two hunner yards later, they came oot through the side ae the big hoose at the tap ae Montrose Street intae Grafton Place that aw the lorry drivers used tae stay in overnight. Efter twenty minutes ae arguing amongst themsels, they eventually agreed between them that they could walk across the road intae the backs oan the other side ae the street and join the walls there, as long as they didnae step oan any cracks or lines oan the pavement oan the way.

  Whit they nearly walked intae made the three ae them scatter in three different directions at wance and end up facing each other oan the tap ae the dykes at the back ae the tenement. When they spoke aboot it later, they agreed they’d aw clocked it at the same time and admitted tae being surprised that they hidnae jist turned and legged it back the way they’d come.

  “Whit is it?” Skull asked, the first tae break the silence.

  “Fuck knows,” Johnboy murmured. “Tony, dae ye know whit it is?” he whispered.

  “Ah’m no sure.”

  It stood there looking at them wae its big staring eyes. It wis chewing oan something and there wis a couple ae big slabbers hinging doon fae its mooth that wur swinging and glinting in the sun. They looked aboot tae see if there wis an empty pram in the back close, bit there wisnae wan tae be seen, so they reckoned that it couldnae be a wean it wis chewing oan. They managed tae slowly crawl tae the tap ae the midden and sit in a row, trying tae figure oot whit is wis up tae. Its eyes never left them. Skull stood up at wan point and jumped up and doon, making monster noises and waving his erms aboot. The only thing it did wis suddenly shake its heid before carrying oan chewing.

  “Fuck this. Let’s get oot ae here before that mad basturt upsets it and it turns oan us,” Tony suggested.

  “Dae ye think it kin climb?” Johnboy asked, feeling the auld arse pangs twitching.


  “Probably.”

  That wis the signal fur them tae get their arses oot ae there. When they came oot ae the closes at the tap ae Grafton Street that led oan tae Grafton Square, they caught sight ae Calum Todd running o’er the hill towards them. He wis aboot fifteen and wis wearing a vest and shorts and real running shoes oan his feet. He stoapped in front ae them, bit kept running oan the spot.

  “Hellorerr, ya manky scallywags. Whit ur youse up tae?”

  “We’re looking fur lucky midgies.”

  “Whit? Aroond here? Ah think ye’re pushing yer luck a wee bit far there, Tony-boy.”

  “Aye, well, ye never know,” Skull said.

  “Whit the fuck’s that oan yer feet, Skull?” Calum asked, peering doon at Olive’s good shoes while still running oan the spot.

  “Dancing shoes fae wan ae the dancers oan ‘The White Heather Show,’” replied Dixie Ingram.

  “Is that right noo? Who wid’ve thought, eh? And how much did they cost ye?” Calum asked, trying no tae pish himsel laughing.

  “Ah don’t know…ma maw bought me them.”

  “Anyway, Ah hiv tae get gaun as Ah’m daeing a delivery fur The Big Man,” Calum announced, turning, ready tae shoot the craw.

  “Calum, kin ye dae us a wee favour?” Tony asked him.

  “It depends oan whit it is.”

  “Kin you come and check oot whit we’ve found and tell us whit it is? It’s jist in that close up there,” he said, pointing towards the first close they’d gone intae oan Grafton Place.

  “Nae bother.”

  They aw trooped through the close wae Calum running oan the spot, knees up tae his chest, in front ae them. Calum burst oot laughing when he clocked it.

  “Dae ye know whit it is?” Skull asked fearfully, fae behind Calum’s back, where the three ae them wur aw staunin, looking o’er Calum’s shoulder.

  “Aye.”

  “Dis it bite?”

  “Naw.”

  “So, whit is it then?”

  “It’s a coo.”

  “A coo?” they aw chorused in wonder.

  “Ye mean a ‘moo’ coo?” Tony asked.

  “Ah mean a ‘moo’ coo,” Calum confirmed.

  “Ah knew it. At first Ah thought it wis a bull. That’s why Ah wisnae too sure,” Tony said knowingly tae Skull and Johnboy.

  “Aye, ye’ve goat yersels a nice wee bit ae stew and steak there, boys,” Calum said.

  “So much fur no finding any lucky midgies, eh?” said Tony, clearly chuffed, as the coo’s heid disappeared intae a midgie bin.

  “Whit ur ye gonnae day wae it?”

  “Wur no sure.”

  “The Big Man wid probably be interested in it. How much ur ye asking fur it?”

  “A tenner,” said Tony.

  “Ye’ve nae chance.”

  “Okay, we’ll take a fiver.”

  “Right, Ah’m aff tae deliver ma message and then Ah’ll go and see whit he says. Youse stay here and Ah’ll be back in aboot twenty minutes.”

  And wae that, Calum disappeared oot through the close.

  “Who’s The Big Man then?” Johnboy asked.

  “Hiv ye never heard ae Pat Molloy?” Skull asked in disbelief, looking at him as if he’d jist arrived fae another planet.

  “Big Pat Molloy is the local Big Man. Nowan crosses him or they end up in The Royal or the Nolly,” Tony said knowingly, as Skull nodded.

  “Is that right?”

  “Aye, he’s always goat tons ae money and a big flashy Jaguar that he drives aroond in, wae aw these fancy big dolls perched beside him who jist sit, no saying anything, bit looking beautiful.”

  “Wow! And dae ye baith know him?”

  “Everywan knows The Big Man. Nowan fucks him aboot, including the bizzies,” Skull said, tapping the side ae his nose wae a manky finger.

  “Well, Ah’ve never heard ae him.”

  “Well, ye’ll see him soon enough. He wis the wan that Ah sold aw the cameras tae that we goat oot ae the cars fae aroond the colleges,” Tony said.

  “Wis that you? When that ma ae mine heard aboot that she wondered whit wid’ve happened tae them.”

  “Aye, a bob each fur aw they cameras wis pretty good. He took eighteen aff ae us and telt us tae throw another nine in the bin as they wur shite,” Skull chipped in.

  “Aye, he wis asking if we kin get him some mair as well, by the way,” Tony said, clearly jist remembering.

  “And who’s Calum?”

  “He’s The Big Man’s runner.”

  “Runner?”

  “Aye, he runs aw o’er the place, delivering messages and wee packages tae people.”

  “Whit kind ae packages?”

  “Who knows, bit Ah heard that The Big Man’s paying fur him tae join a running club so he kin run in the Olympics wan day.”

  Jist then, Horsey John appeared, limping through the close wae the use ae a walking stick. He’d a wee midget wae a club fit and a bunnet that wis five sizes too big fur him in tow.

  “Ur youse the wans wae the coo?” Horsey asked, eyeing up their chewing beauty.

  “Aye, that’ll be me, John,” Tony said, stepping forward.

  “Right, Pat says he’ll gie ye three quid and that’s it.”

  “Brilliant! It’s a pleasure tae deal wae The Big Man.”

  “Aye, right,” Horsey John muttered, as he haunded o’er three pounds worth ae coins, maistly in pennies, thrupenny bits and tanners. “Right, Tiny, you’re oan tap ae the cart.”

  Ootside the front ae the closemooth stood a horse and cart. The horse wis wearing a hat wae flowers oan it. Skull heided fur the horse and stood talking tae it while Johnboy and Tony stood watching Tiny pulling the coo up the ramp wae a rope roond its heid and Horsey John bent o’er, pushing and slapping it oan its arse tae gie it a haun. The boys offered tae help them bit Horsey John telt them tae leave it tae the experts.

  When the horse and cart wae the coo oan the back disappeared roond the corner, heiding fur McAslin Street, Johnboy, Tony and Skull aw started tae jump up and doon, screaming wae excitement.

  “Fucking pure dead brilliant!” Skull shouted.

  “Ah’ve never hid so much money in ma life,” Johnboy yelped wae exitement.

  “Aye, well, we deserve it seeing as we found it,” Tony said.

  “Finders keepers, losers greeters…that’s whit Ah say,” Skull whooped, kissing the tips ae his manky fingers.

  “Right. Ah say we split nine bob between us and start a stash wae the rest,” Tony suggested.

  “Deal.”

  “Fine wae me.”

  “Right, Ah’ll keep the two pound eleven bob safe until we kin arrange a safe planking place tae hide it in. Gie’s wan ae yer socks tae put these coins in, Skull. Mines ur aw full ae holes,” Tony commanded.

  “Ah wonder whit happened tae the back ae Horsey John’s napper?” Johnboy wondered oot loud.

  “Whit aboot it?” Skull asked, haunin o’er a sock.

  “Did ye no see the big bald patch where the hair wis shaved that hid a big red cross scar oan it? It looked as if he’s jist goat stitches taken oot.”

  “Ah never noticed anything,” Skull muttered, looking across at Tony.

  “Aye, ye’ve still goat a lot tae learn, Skull. Ye need tae keep they eyes ae yers peeled,” Tony said, making oot he’d spotted it as well.

  Thursday

  The day started aff jist like any other day. Olive wis daeing her usual whitever it wis she usually did, and the class wur daeing their usual whitever it wis they did tae ignore whitever it wis she wanted them tae be daeing.

  It wis the five tae seven year aulds’ fancy dress party that morning. They wur the lucky wans and goat their party the day before the aulder wans in the school and wur allowed tae break up a day early fur the summer holidays. A couple ae the goody-goody wans fae Johnboy’s class wur allowed doon tae help oot wae the party o’er in the huts at the other side ae the playground. The party wis in the main corridor because it wis wide and t
he flairs wur varnished so if any ae the wee wans pished themsels wae excitement, it wis easily mopped up by Danny the Janny. Johnboy’s maw telt him that it took her and three ae the other cleaners an hour tae scrub fae wan end ae it tae the other, which they did, doon oan their hauns and knees, five days a week at hauf five every morning.

  The first Johnboy heard aboot something no being right wis when he wis in the playground wae Tony and Skull. The racket coming fae the huts wis really loud wae aw the weans howling and greeting. The wee wans’ party wis called ‘Doon oan the Farm’. Fur yonks, the wee wans hid been decking oot the corridor tae make it look like a farm. Aw the party tables wur made oot ae straw bales. Aw the weans wur asked tae turn up dressed as farmers…whitever that wis supposed tae look like. Johnboy hid first noticed them when he turned up fur school that morning. Maist ae the boys wur decked oot in cowboy suits while maist ae the lassies turned up as milk maids. Ye could tell that they wur milkmaids withoot asking because they wur aw dragging big tin pails doon the street, making a hell ae a racket. Johnboy heard later that the wans who didnae turn up in fancy dress goat straw stuffed up the legs ae their troosers and jumpers and wur telt they wur scarecrows.

  “Hiv ye heard whit’s happened?” Tony asked, speaking oot ae the side ae his gub.

  “Naw,” Skull replied, pausing in the middle ae picking his nose.

  “Buttercup, the coo fae ‘The Wooden Tops’ wis supposed tae put in an appearance at the wee wans’ party and didnae turn up. Noo aw the weans ur upset.”

  “Selfish cow.”

  “Right bang oot ae order, that wan.”

  “And tae think we came across a wandering coo, eh?” Tony said, still talking oot ae the side ae his gub, looking towards where the howling wis coming fae.