Heart Untouched

by Andrew Grey

  “He’s right. Just pretend the camera is Duncan and you’ll do amazingly well.” Trevor turned back to their plans. “I have already had each of the garages photographed for the website, and the designer is working them in, so all we need is some filming and we can start booking spots on local television.” Trevor lightly smacked the top of the desk. “I think this is going to be great.”

  “So do I,” Duncan agreed, and started putting everything away. “I’ll be here for the filming and will be able to help coordinating things. I’m hoping we can film before you open, when there’s good light, so we don’t impact the business.”

  “That’s the plan.” Trevor grinned like a little kid, and his smile broadened as two men came in, one gently guiding the other. “James.” He took the angelic man’s hand, helping him over. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Scott brought me over on his way in to work,” James said, squeezing Scott’s hand.

  They held each other’s hands for a while longer, and Duncan wondered why Trevor wasn’t angry that Scott was holding James’s hand. Maybe they were just friends?

  Trevor signed to Scott, who nodded and turned to leave. Duncan grinned as a picture of communication between them formed in his mind. James was blind—he knew that from the way he was guided around, and Scott was deaf. No wonder they touched each other. It was their one common method of communication.

  Trevor enveloped James in his arms, beaming at him with all the love in the world.

  Duncan turned away, not wanting to intrude on a moment of such intimacy, and at the same time, wishing he could have that in his life. God, what he wouldn’t give to have Todd look at him that way. And the thing was, sometimes Duncan saw glimpses of that kind of caring, but how could it be? He couldn’t saddle Todd, or anyone, with someone whose “parts” were unreliable at best. Sometimes, no matter what anyone told him, he felt like less of a man.

  “I’ll be done here in about an hour.”

  “Okay,” James whispered.

  Duncan finished gathering up his things. The air in the office tasted sour, and he needed to get out. His heart beat faster, and sweat broke out on the back of his neck. Duncan shoved his boards into his bag and closed the computer, slid it into his bag, and set it all on his lap.

  “Duncan?” James said as he backed out of Trevor’s arms. “Are you okay?” He came over, and before Duncan could get out, James’s hands rested on his arms. “Trevor, will you get Duncan some water and open the outside door? He needs some fresh air. And get Todd.”

  James issued orders, and Trevor jumped to bring it about.

  Soon Todd was right there, holding him. “It’s all right.” Todd rocked slowly. “Just breathe evenly, okay?” His voice was so gentle, and the way Todd held him was firm and strong, without crowding him. The panic passed slowly, and he could breathe once again after a few minutes.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Hey, it’s all right.” Todd held his hands.

  Duncan looked up and realized the office was empty except for the two of them. “How did James know what was happening?”

  “I suspect he smelled it. He has a nose on him as sharp as anything.” Todd smiled. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Do you know what brought it on?”

  Duncan shook his head. At first he thought it had been seeing James and Trevor together, but that wasn’t it. Something in the air—the scent must have triggered something. He wasn’t sure, but the fresh air seemed to have cleared his head.

  “Feeling better?” Trevor asked.

  “Yeah. Thank you.” Duncan felt his cheeks heating. He was so damned embarrassed, he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.

  “You know, it’s okay.” Sometimes it surprised him how well Todd could read him. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It happens. Scott was in an accident—that’s how he lost his hearing. He told me once that he still gets flashbacks.”

  “I just wish I knew how to stop them. They happen at the worst times.” Duncan closed his eyes, still breathing deeply and carefully, leaning against Todd. “I just want them to go away.”

  “They will with time, I suspect. The memories will become less immediate, and then fewer things will trigger them.” Todd always seemed to know what he was talking about, and that alone was reassuring. “Do you want me to call your mom so she can come pick you up? I have a few more hours of work before I can leave.”

  “It’s all right. I’ll sit somewhere out of the way.”

  “I’ll ask Trevor and Brent if you can use the office.” Todd squeezed Duncan’s shoulders and hurried away.

  Duncan took a few moments to try to get himself under control once again. Maybe this whole idea of him and Todd was stupid. Todd was so caring, and a single touch made Duncan’s heart race, but how could he be good for Todd?

  “Of course you can use the office,” Trevor said as he hurried in. “Are you feeling better?” He held out a bottle of water.

  “Yes. I’ll be okay,” Duncan answered as James sat in the empty desk chair.

  “Go on, hon. I know you have work to do,” James said, and Trevor kissed him and left the room. “So, you seem better.” James sat back, staring blankly at the wall. “I’m glad. Is the panic attack because of your accident?” He reached over and fumbled along Duncan’s arm before finding his hand. “I work with students who lose their sight after some form of trauma quite a bit, and they all have issues like yours.”

  “I see,” Duncan said and then groaned.

  “Don’t worry about the words you use. I use see all the time. It’s not a sore point.” James patted his hand, gently feeling his fingers. “The attacks will come, but don’t let them get to you. It’s part of your body and mind dealing with what happened and trying to avoid a repeat. Sometimes our heads overreact. That’s all this is.”

  “So when I feel like I’m going to throw up…?” Duncan asked.

  “Just breathe and tell yourself that it’s in your head and that it will pass, because it will. You just need to give yourself a chance to take control.” James’s movements were a little awkward as he leaned closer, but there was no doubt that he was sincere in his desire to help. “The next time it happens, try to take control for yourself.”

  “Okay. I should know what they feel like now.”

  “Yes. So give it a shot and see what happens. Some people are able to do that right away, though it takes time with others. Don’t become discouraged or frustrated.” James patted his hand again.

  “Did you experience this?” Duncan asked.

  “No. My blindness came on when I was a kid. I can’t remember being able to see. Scott lost his hearing in an accident, and he’s had issues for a while now. He’s learned to manage his attacks pretty well. But it took time. Have you had any support up until now?”

  “They sent me to therapy at the hospital, and I went afterward, but it didn’t really help much, so I stopped going. I go to physical and occupational therapy still, but those are about to run out, at least with the insurance company.”

  “Okay. I can recommend someone who is used to working with people who have suffered loss. They’re affiliated with the school and work mostly with the blind, but I don’t think it matters. The grieving process is the same.”

  “I didn’t die…,” Duncan said, a little taken aback.

  “Loss is loss. You lost your ability to walk, and you need to grieve for it. Walking is something that’s a part of who we are, just like the ability to see or to hear. When we lose it, we have to grieve for the loss. That’s perfectly normal. And it’s perfectly okay.” James sighed. “I used to throw huge fits and have these loud, very violent outbursts of anger. I was a kid and didn’t know how to express myself very well. Even as an adult, you will feel those same things, and it’s okay to let them out.” James smiled, not quite looking right at him. Duncan appreciated the effort, though.

  “So, I should yell and scream?” His mother would be really happy about that.

  James ch
uckled. “If you feel like it. But just know that you’re going to be frustrated. I can’t go into a strange room on my own. I have to have someone with me. Otherwise I’ll trip over the furniture or break something. And I know Trevor has to make plenty of accommodations for me, which he does without complaint. I thought he’d eventually start to get frustrated with me, but he never has.”

  Duncan cleared his throat. “That’s part of what I’m afraid of too.” He wasn’t going to talk about the dodgy state of his equipment. That was way too personal.

  “Don’t be. Todd is a wonderful man. He’s helped Scott and Lee when they need it. He knows what’s involved with someone who is differently abled.” James snickered softly. “Besides, we can all tell he’s crazy about you.”

  “You can?” It shocked Duncan that people he didn’t know very well seemed to know more about his relationship than he did.

  “Sure. All he does is talk about you. Most people can’t hear it, but he’s talking about you now. Specifically he’s talking about your ideas for the commercial to Lee… and now he slipped on a bolt.” James chuckled. “Some swearing, which I won’t repeat… and now he’s back to telling Lee how brilliant you are and how much he’s looking forward to seeing you tonight.”

  “Okay….”

  James patted his hand and then pulled his away. “Just let yourself be happy. It’s hard enough to find someone who is willing to go the extra mile for us, differently-abled or not. When we do… and they’re pretty special… just go for it.” James turned as Trevor came back in the office. It was like there was a magnet pulling James toward him. He held out his hand, and Trevor took it without a word.

  “How do you do that? Is it some lovers’ thing?” Duncan asked.

  “Trevor’s boots. They make this soft thunk on the concrete that I can pick out a mile away. It’s like he’s announcing his approach. He also smells like Trevor. I can’t describe it, but I know when he’s near, and he doesn’t have to say anything.” James held Trevor’s hand. “I make up for being blind by using my other senses.”

  “But how do I make up for not being able to use my legs?” Duncan countered.

  “The most powerful organ any of us has is our brain. Look at Stephen Hawking. He could barely move anything on his body, but he changed the world for all of us. He was brilliant. We all need to use the gifts we’re given, and if we concentrate on what we have—” James moved easily into Trevor’s arms. “—then we aren’t as focused on what we don’t have.” He patted Trevor’s chest gently.

  “I have a few more things to finish up,” Trevor said. “Was there anything else you and I need to review?”

  “I don’t think so,” Duncan said, trying to recall anything they’d overlooked. His mind was a little scrambled at the moment, but he couldn’t recall anything. “Stay in touch with the website designer to make sure the site keeps moving forward.”

  “I will, and I like what I’m seeing so far. The person you recommended is really good.” Trevor seemed very pleased, which was a comfort to Duncan. He could design passable websites—he’d done it in classes and a few times on his own—but he was never great at it. Thankfully, he knew people. Trevor helped James back to his seat and left the office.

  James pulled out a set of earbuds and busily tapped his phone, with Siri speaking to him occasionally.

  Duncan pulled his computer back out of the bag he’d hastily stashed it in and got to work. He made a few follow-up calls but was interrupted by a text message from Corrina. Duncan thought he should probably block her.

  I hear you have a new job. I hope it’s going well. She followed it with a smiley face that seemed to be mocking him.

  Duncan stared at the seemingly innocuous message and wondered what she was up to. He said thanks and that was all. He thought of telling her that she could go out and do the same thing, but he kept it to himself. There was no sense in stirring the pot.

  “Hey,” Todd said as he came into the office.

  James pulled out his earbuds and smiled.

  “Hi,” Duncan said, looking up from his phone. Todd came over, and Duncan showed him the message. “Just got it.”

  Todd leaned over him and shrugged. “Maybe she’s coming to terms with reality.”

  Duncan met Todd’s gaze. “Do you really think that’s likely? Not that there’s anything she can do to change it.”

  “I suggest you take the message at face value. Maybe she’s realized she’s gone a little off the deep end and is trying to mend some fences.” Todd gently placed his hand on his shoulder. “I wouldn’t spend too much effort on it if I were you.”

  Duncan nodded. “You’re probably right.” He set his phone aside.

  “I have one more job to finish and then I can leave for the day. Is that all right?” Todd asked.

  “Sure.” Duncan’s gaze met Todd’s, and for a second, the rest of the shop fell away. It was brief, but an image of Todd in only those coveralls he was wearing flashed in his mind. The straps slipped off his shoulders, revealing lean muscle and a chest with a hint of belly. Duncan blinked away the picture to get his mind back to reality. It really had been way too long since he’d….

  Duncan slid his chair forward to hide his lap under the desk so he… holy shit. He turned back to his computer, smiling to himself. He wanted to shout for ever-loving joy.

  James snickered softly, and for a second, Duncan wondered if he knew what was going on, but there was no way he could. Duncan sheepishly turned to Todd, who had a knowing gaze that heated within seconds. He leaned down to whisper in Duncan’s ear.

  “I take it certain systems have come online.”

  Duncan wanted to die, and at the same time, was so relieved that he wondered if he could have it written across the sky. Probably not appropriate and supremely embarrassing, but still. The relief that washed through him was unbelievable. It was as if he’d gotten his manhood back. Granted, Todd would probably scold him if he said such a thing, but it was how he felt.

  He forced his attention onto the work he was trying to get done, though he failed miserably to wipe the stupid grin off his face. “Okay. I need to get some work done, and I can’t do that with your hotness standing over me.” Giddiness was a new sensation since the accident, but that was how he felt at the moment. Thankfully James put his earbuds back in, and Todd winked at Duncan before leaving the office. Lord help him.

  JAMES AND Trevor had already left by the time Todd finished up his job and gave the paperwork to Brent, who had been able to reclaim most of his office, though Duncan still sat in the corner, continuing to follow up on details and send out inquiries for other potential clients. He had to start somewhere. Cold-calling was not his forte, but he knew a few people and was hoping one of them might be willing to give him a chance. The biggest thing he could do was to make sure Trevor’s ads turned out wonderfully. Then he could use that to help promote himself.

  “I think I’m done, unless you need something else,” Todd said to Brent.

  Duncan finished what he was working on, then closed his computer and packed his things away. His phone tinged, and he hesitated, not wanting it to be Corrina again. She had continued messaging him for the last hour, trying to engage him in conversation, but he said they could talk later and he had let her last messages go unanswered.

  Instead, it was his mother, and he called her back.

  “Todd is bringing me to therapy and then home,” he reminded her right away, figuring she was worried and might have forgotten where he was.

  “Your aunt is having some sort of crisis,” his mother said, sounding frazzled. “Are you going to be okay here on your own? I have to go see what it is she needs.” She used the tone that said she figured it was some sort of overreaction.

  “I’ll be fine, Mom. Don’t worry. It’s no problem. Just don’t let her talk you into something she isn’t interested in doing herself.” Duncan was really starting to understand how his aunt used his mother from time to time.

  “I won’t,”
she sighed. “But she can be pushy.”

  “Stand firm, Mom, and I’ll see you when you get home.” He ended the call and put his phone away. He gathered his bag and placed it on his lap. Then he said goodbye to everyone and followed Todd out to his car. “I was thinking that if you wanted, we could practice for the commercial. That way you’ll know what to expect and won’t be nervous.”

  “Okay. But can we do that tomorrow? I’m tired and just want to get something to eat and relax awhile.”

  They headed for therapy. At one of the stop signs, Duncan touched Todd’s arm and noticed how warm he was. “Are you feeling okay?”

  “Yes. Just tired.” Todd turned and smiled at him before continuing through the intersection.

  Duncan nodded and didn’t try to make conversation. Instead he sat back and let Todd drive until they reached the center. They went inside, and Todd slumped in a chair in the lobby. Duncan tried to bring him a cup of water from the cooler but ended up spilling it on his pants leg. Giving up, he wheeled himself into the little room the therapist used and waited for Andrew.

  He spent the next hour learning how to do things for himself. This session concentrated on tasks like getting dressed and maneuvering himself in and out of the chair. While Duncan had pretty much mastered those things, he still found himself in situations where he had difficulty.

  “And I hate it when Mom moves the chair away from the bed,” Duncan told Andrew. “What if I have to get up in the night?”

  “You know you can wear the condom catheters,” Andrew said gently, as though it wasn’t a big deal to have to wear something on his dick just to keep from wetting himself. He’d worn them every night for months and didn’t want to go back to them. “I know they aren’t glamorous, but it doesn’t mean you’re taking a step backward.”

  “No? I make sure my chair is right by my bed at night, and that’s where it should be when I need it. Is that so danged hard?” Duncan shifted in the chair. “Sometimes I think she does it to keep me dependent on her.”

  Andrew tilted his head to the side. “Do you really think that’s what’s going on?”