I tried to will my body to melt into the ground.
“Thank you...for...it’s nice to meet...” My words left my brain again.
“Hey.” Lauren touched my shoulder and drew me close. “If you need anything bedazzled you let me know. I brought my Rhinestanator 2000 and have been hooking everyone up.” I looked the women up and down, and by the no less than six trillion plastic gems on their outfits sparkling in the sunlight, I knew she wasn’t kidding.
“I’ll let you know!”
Somehow I managed to slink away from the conversation before they asked to take a photo of my tattoo for their scrapbooks.
Once safely back in my room, I opened the bathroom door to find Kimmie standing as naked as the day she was born in the shower with her arms and legs spread wide. She was wearing some kind of protective goggles and a woman wearing the same eyewear was spraying her with a large canister attached by a hose to an even larger tub.
I screamed.
Kimmie pulled up one side of her goggles. “Geez, Ash. You almost gave me a heart attack. What happened to knocking?”
I shielded my eyes with my hand. “I’m sorry, it was unlocked. I’m sorry.”
I backed away into the door and bumped against it.
“No need to freak out,” Kimmie said, folding down her goggles. “Amanda, meet Ashley. Ashley, meet Amanda. She’s my personal tanner. She’s staying at a nearby hotel. There’s no way I was going on TV without a fresh one, am I right?”
“Yes, right, right,” I said, finally finding the doorknob with my eyes closed. “Okay, enjoy yourself.”
I sat down on my bed and opened my computer. One missed FaceCall request from David. I clicked on the notification and it started dialing.
He picked up after one ring. I could hear running water and the sound of someone gagging.
“David? Are you there?” The screen only showed the bathroom ceiling.
“ASHLEY!” I heard David yell before gagging again. “ASHLEY, HER DIAPER EXPLODED!”
“David?”
His face popped up over the monitor. His eyes were full of fear and there was a bandana tied around his nose.
“Ashley, I’m dealing with a Level Ten Poopsplosion right here and am two seconds away from—” He retched loudly.
“Oh, David...” I could hear Aubrey giggling hysterically in the bathtub.
“Ashley. If I pass out I’m going to need you to call 911.”
I tried to hold back my laughter. “David, you’re not going to pass out. Are her clothes off yet? Let them soak a bit before you wash them—”
“Too late,” he said, looking around wildly. “I had to cut them off. They were an unfortunate casualty.”
It was then that I noticed he was wearing the yellow gloves I use to wash dishes.
“Feel free to burn those when you’re done,” I said.
David paused for a minute before I heard him say, “Oh, no, no, no, it’s happening again. There’s more coming out of her. Why is this happening? Is she possessed? Is she possessed by a demon? I need a young priest and an old priest. I gotta go, Ashley. I’ll call you later.”
“David, you’re going to be okay.” Before the camera clicked off, I’m almost positive I heard him chanting in Latin.
“Don’t forget to get under my butt cheeks! They won’t be on camera but I’ll know!” I heard Kimmie scream from the bathroom.
I opened the bedside table drawer and found a pair of purple eye covers. They smelled lightly of lavender. I slipped them on over my head, lay back and, before I knew it, was in a deep sleep.
I woke up to Kimmie shaking me. “Ashley. ASHLEY! It’s time for dinner. Geez, you sleep like a rock.”
Kimmie walked over to the full-length mirror. She was stunning in a floor-length pale pink evening gown. Her wrists and neck were dripping with what I could only assume were real diamond and gold jewelry.
“You look beautiful,” I said, pushing myself up to sitting.
“You look tired. Get dressed. You know dinner starts in fifteen minutes, right?”
“Fifteen minutes!” I flew out of bed and toward the closet. “Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?”
Kimmie shrugged. “I’m not your mommy.” I don’t know if I imagined it, but I thought I saw a smirk. Was this her competitive side?
“I’ll meet you down there.”
Kimmie walked out the door and shut it behind her. I tore through my clothes and looked for something that would even come close to the level of elegance my roommate had achieved.
I found a dark blue maxi dress. It would have to do. One of the good things about having held Aubrey 24/7 for the last ten months of my life was that I was used to doing everything with one hand. Finally having two, I was able to get my hair and makeup decent in five minutes.
After getting lost twice, I finally found the outdoor garden dining room where we’d be dining. Everyone was already sitting at several large round tables, including Emily’s family. There they were: her husband and five perfect children in the flesh. Emily was wearing a plum three-quarter-sleeved, calf-length dress and black heels, and her husband was dashing in gray slacks and a crisp white dress shirt with a gray sport jacket. Her three boys were wearing white (WHITE) short-sleeved shirts and camel-colored shorts, and her girls were wearing the same outfit in jumper form. They looked like the cover of a fashion catalog.
“Ashley, over here!” I heard Lauren call. I glanced over and saw Janice and Lauren waving wildly from a table at the far end of the patio.
The last thing I needed was to spend the evening being referred to as “tush girl.” I waved politely and ducked behind a large plant.
I felt a hand touch my shoulder. “Ashley, would you like to sit with my family?”
I looked up. It was Emily. I stared into her blemish-free face for a full twenty seconds before sputtering out, “Yes.”
I followed Emily to her table and noticed Kimmie glaring at me. Naturally, I beamed back at her.
“Ashley, I’d like to introduce you to my husband, Thomas.”
I took in her husband’s ruggedly handsome features and found myself staring. It was impossible not to get lost in his dreamy auburn eyes. I blushed. “Nice to meet you.”
He nodded. “Likewise.” He was holding Emily’s youngest baby, eighteen-month-old Sage. He nuzzled up to his father. If Aubrey were here she’d be trying to pull down every table curtain in the joint.
“You met little Sage earlier today. These are my older children, three-year-old Willow, four-year old Henry, and my six-year-old twins, Eleanor and Gregory.” All of her children smiled pleasantly at me. In the center of the round table were twinkling tea lights, and not a single child attempted to burn the place down.
Were they drugged, I wondered? I smiled. “Wow, you’re all so well-behaved! And adorable!” I said, taking my seat beside Eleanor.
Emily sat down on my other side. “We actually try not to compliment them on their looks. It builds an unhealthy emphasis on the outer appearance.”
“Yes, yes,” I nodded, pretending to know what she was talking about.
Emily smiled. “It’s best if children are raised knowing their true beauty comes from within.”
I continued nodding, “Yes, the inside. Their internal...organs.”
Emily cocked her head to the side. A member of the staff came by with a bottle of wine.
“Madame?”
Emily held up her hand. “No, thank you.” She turned to me. “Breastfeeding. You know how it is.”
I flushed. “Yes, but um...breastfeeding didn’t really work out for us...” I said, trailing off.
“So your baby is on formula?” Eleanor asked. I was startled. What did a six-year-old know about formula?
I turned to the child. “Yes, she’s o
n formula.”
“Well, that’s sad,” said Eleanor, flatly.
“Eleanor,” Emily interrupted sternly. “What did Mommy say about respecting the choices of others?”
Eleanor lowered her head slightly. “Know better, do better.”
“That’s right.” Emily turned to me. “I wish I’d known. I would have introduced you to my naturopath. Have you considered donor milk at all?”
I motioned to the waiter for some wine.
“Not yet. There are so many preemies, you know. I wouldn’t want to exhaust the supply.”
The waiter filled my glass half full and I chugged the glass before motioning for a refill.
Emily eyed me. “That’s so giving of you. You know what? I’m going to send you home with sixteen ounces of my own milk. How does that sound?”
“That sounds...amazing. Thank you,” I said, trying not to choke.
Thomas grinned and took Emily’s hand. “You’re such a generous spirit,” he said, gazing into his wife’s eyes.
“And you are the love of my life,” she said. They stared at each other ethereally.
I held my breath, not wanting to disturb whatever it was they were doing.
Kimmie popped up from out of nowhere.
“Oh, hi, Ashley! I just wanted to make sure you made it down alright.” She was talking to me, but staring at Emily.
She went on. “Emily, Kimberly Reardon. From LA. I met you earlier. I just wanted to say how amazing and inspirational you are. The past few weeks have been incredible. My life has truly changed. Thank you.” Kimmie held one hand to her heart.
Emily stood up and the two hugged. I tried to hold back my gag reflex.
“You are so welcome, Kimmie. Surely, there’s space for one more. Would you like to join us?”
“Absolutely!” Before I could register what was happening, Kimmie was pushing her chair in between me and Emily.
When she was comfortably seated she gave me a tight smile. “Hi, roomie.”
I shot venom at her with my eyes but smiled back. “Hi.”
Within minutes Kimmie and Emily were lost in quiet whispering about the latest probiotic on the market.
“Ashley, what’s your opinion on it?” Kimmie said to me, her eyes wide and innocent.
“I...uh, I love probiotics. I’m definitely pro-probiotic.” I laughed, hoping other people would find my joke hilarious. Everyone at the table stared at me. Kimmie smirked.
The meal was halfway over when I saw Lauren and Janice make their way over to me. Oh, no.
“Ashley! Ashley, we just wanted to make sure we got this to you before the night was over.”
Janice reached into her purse and pulled out a black T-shirt with the words Tush Girl emblazoned in pink rhinestones across the chest.
Kimmie covered her mouth and giggled. I saw Emily struggling to hold back a smile.
“What’s a tush girl?” asked Eleanor.
“Oh, honey, it’s for the tattoo on her tush,” said Lauren, howling.
Eleanor’s eyes grew wide. “You have a tattoo!” She burst into tears.
Emily rushed over to comfort her daughter. She looked up at me. “She’s very sensitive. Unnatural body modifications upset her.”
I took the T-shirt. “Thank you,” I said without looking anyone in the eye.
Everyone was on their last cocktail when Emily tapped her water glass with her spoon.
“Before dessert comes out, I just want to say that I’m so glad all of you are here! I hope tomorrow you can experience the rest and relaxation you mama goddesses deserve! Have a wonderful evening!”
Everyone clapped politely. Despite the night turning out to be a royal mess, I was looking forward to getting pampered a little.
Waiters began placing large slices of a rich-looking chocolate cake with buttery chocolate cream frosting in front of every place setting.
“Mother,” said Gregory. “Do we have any fruit salad?”
Emily grinned proudly and addressed the table. “The kids know they only eat refined sugar once every other month.” To Gregory she said, “I can do even better than that!”
She turned toward Thomas. “Darling, will you ask the staff to bring out the date carob blueberry sweet potato tarts with the almond flour crust for the children?” She smiled at us, “I made them this afternoon.”
Kimmie spoke up, “If it’s okay, I’d love to try one of the tarts. I’m on a cleanse from refined sugars myself. Ashley, would you like one?”
I looked up from the piece of cake I was halfway through devouring and licked a glob of chocolate frosting from the corner of my mouth.
Before I could speak, Kimmie cut in. “Never mind. You look preoccupied.”
Later, in our room, Kimmie couldn’t stop raving about the night.
“Emily and I really hit it off,” she gushed, sitting at the vanity, wiping makeup from her face with huge cloths. “I’d consider the night a win.”
“Yeah, you really nailed it,” I responded dryly, crawling under my sheets.
As I fell asleep I made a note to self: Don’t trust Kimmie.
Thursday, March 7, 5:45 A.M.
My alarm beeped, waking me up with a start. It wasn’t until I saw Kimmie standing in front of the mirror adjusting her top knot that I remembered where I was. I sat up. My body felt strange. I arched my back a little and tried to figure out what it was. It took me a minute to realize that what I was experiencing was...being rested. My mind was crystal clear. There was no pain behind my eyes. No sluggishness in my legs.
I felt rested. I hadn’t felt like this since before Aubrey was born. I tried to wrap my head around the reality that some people feel like this every day.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Kimmie sang. “Ready for yoga?”
I fake smiled in her direction and got out of bed. Rummaging through my suitcase I found a pair of sweats, sports bra and tank top. In two minutes I was dressed. As I leaned over the sink brushing my teeth, I heard Kimmie gasp.
I looked up. She was staring at me in abject horror. “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I glanced downward at my blue-and-white tennis shoes, light gray sweats, black tank and blue zippered hoodie.
“Yes?” I asked.
Kimmie just scoffed before turning back to the mirror to perfect her cat-eye eyeliner. I took in her outfit.
Black and silver expensive-looking tennis shoes, skin-tight hot-pink Lycra leggings with black stripes going down the sides, a matching crop top that accentuated her perfectly flat stomach and a black headband. She looked like a fitness infomercial. I noticed the EW logo on the back of her pants.
“Is that from—”
“Emily Walker’s line? Yes. I own every item. Ready to go?”
Next to Kimmie I was going to look like a garbageman making his weekly rounds, but we headed out anyway.
“No makeup?” Kimmie asked, as she shut our door.
“It’s exercise.”
“It’s yoga,” she corrected me.
It appeared Kimmie was right, because when we arrived at the South Lawn, there were only five other moms, and all of them were wearing makeup and Emily Walker’s line of activewear.
“Good morning, ladies!” Emily was beautiful as always in a purple-and-white ensemble. “I’m tickled pink to see so many of you wearing my line!”
Her eyes settled on my hobo wear and she smiled sympathetically.
“I’d like to introduce you to Sven—if you read my blog, and I assume that you do, you already know he’s my dirty little wellness secret.” I heard one of the moms giggle.
Sven was six foot four of pure Greek male model. His dark brown hair accentuated his bright blue eyes. To the surprise (delight?) of many of the women, he was wearing o
nly a small pair of black short shorts.
“Okay, everyone,” Sven said with a deep Eastern European accent. “Grab a mat.”
Sven and Emily led us through a variety of poses, each one more painful and impossible than the last.
“If you’re a newbie to yoga, don’t hesitate to take a break when you need one,” Emily said, looking directly at me.
By the end I was a sweaty mess. I could see why everyone opted for synthetic materials. I had huge sweat stains in each armpit, a large one on my back, and to top it off, an embarrassingly large one in the crotch of my pants.
“Ashley, did you have an accident?” Kimmie asked in front of the entire class as we finished sitting cross-legged in deep meditation—a pose that exposed my swamp stain to the world.
Sven opened his eyes, looked at me and turned red.
“It’s normal to experience these things during yoga, especially when your pelvic floor has weakened due to childbirth,” said Emily calmly.
“I didn’t pee. It’s sweat,” I said, humiliated, standing up.
“Yes,” said Emily, obviously trying to preserve my dignity.
Kimmie snickered.
As we were stacking our mats, I placed mine on top of the pile.
“You can keep it,” Sven whispered in my ear. I was mortified.
I assumed my nickname had morphed from Tush Girl to Pee Girl and ate my breakfast in my bedroom. Emily’s assistant had been kind enough to grab me a muffin so I wouldn’t have to face anyone.
I opened my computer and checked the time—7:15.
I had an email from David.
Hello supermom,
Everything’s fine, don’t worry. My mom is taking Aubrey to the zoo today. I hope you’re enjoying yourself. A Realtor came by and said we can probably get market value for the house. Have a good time.
Love, David
I’d almost forgotten about the house. Unless I won the grand prize tomorrow, and things weren’t looking great, we’d be moving in with Gloria soon after I came home. I snapped my laptop shut and took a few deep breaths. It wouldn’t be that bad. At least I’d always have help just an arm’s reach away...and eyes watching me all day long. I guess roaming the house in my underwear eating chocolate-hazelnut spread right out of the jar was out of the question.
Confessions of a Domestic Failure Page 23