Push Hands

by Michael Graeme

  "I know. I'll think of something." But he wouldn't. There was no solution no point in thinking about it and he knew he'd just go on doing what he'd always done, which was mainly trusting to luck.

  Sally showered and came into the bedroom while Phil was changing his trousers. There was no shyness about her and she dropped her towel without a self conscious thought, then pulled out nice undies from the drawer, semi naughty in wine red and lace, which he half wondered if he'd be peeling off her later on, and which she then spoiled by yanking a pair of flipping tights over them. Stockings and suspenders were too much to ask, he supposed, and then he smiled to himself because he knew he was being childish. This was an apology, it was a spontaneous romantic gesture. At the very best it would end in two bottles of wine, a drunken coma and a bad head in the morning - and it was only Tuesday. Melting Sally enough for sex was the last thing he should be thinking about!

  At the age of fourteen, David had been beaten black and blue by Angela who'd caught him masturbating. His dad hadn't seen the harm but it was Angela who wore the trousers and things were very different in those days. He would go blind, he would go deaf, he would become weak and sickly, he was giving in to the devils inside of him and lots of other medieval stuff.

  For David, growing up, sex had been a forbidden thing, a dirty thing and so any hope he had of a fulfilling relationship in that department were ruined at an early stage. His own boys, he knew, lived at a time where sex was trivialised, where it was okay to get laid at twelve, find out you were pregnant and then have an abortion before you were thirteen - where schoolgirls were on the pill and dressed like trollops who were permanently up for it, and all the things that had been forbidden to him were now openly available, tempting his boys away from the straight and narrow, tempting them into the gutter. Oh, all right! He knew he was up tight about things. He knew his mother could be difficult and that Penny hated the sight of her, I mean really hated her, and she just swallowed it for his sake, but what could he do? Tell his mother not to come round any more, to back off, to stay the hell away!

  "I'm sorry Penelope."

  "What's that?"

  "Last night,… you erm,… took me a little by surprise that's all."

  "I did? I mean,… I'm sorry David."

  In a way he'd surprised her too,… at least the bit while he was asleep. His penis had swelled instantly at her touch and felt so hot and hard suddenly she was afraid it would burst and she would have to call an ambulance. Yes,.. it had been the hardness of him, of the unconscious David. But the conscious David would have squirmed away, ashamed to let her see it, ashamed to let her touch it, as if it were an evil thing attached to him, a mark of his sinfulness, a mark of his filth.

  "No, I'm sorry. And I didn't mean to sound so,… well, you know. I do love you Penelope."

  Easily said David, but do you mean it? How can you mean it if you won't touch your wife and jump a mile when she touches you? What kind of love is that? She pressed his hand, felt his muscles twitch as if he'd considered flinching away for a moment - which was normal, poor soul. And then she patted his arm.

  "I know. And I love you too."

  It was true David loved her of a fashion, but he loved Jesus more. And it was for Jesus' sake he eventually confided in his mother that he'd found a thin booklet on Chan Buddhism hiding in Penny's bottom drawer, confided also that the Temporary Internet Files folder, which he inspected on a weekly basis for evidence that his boys might be developing an interest in pornography, contained alarming trails to web sites of a heathen spiritual nature. The boys were pretty savvy about the Temporary Files Folder, also the cookie folder - Penny didn't know about them and so was easily caught. His mother reminded him about the business with the garden ornament and was not placated when David told her it had now been safely returned to its owner.

  Angela's curiosity became acutely aroused over the possible identity of the said "owner" and women being generally of a more suspicious and melodramatic nature, she decided she had to take action on her son's behalf. Two and two were made to equal eight, being the number of steps along the Buddhist path apparently, and the mysterious owner was charged at once with the corruption of Penny, into whose heart David and his mother had spent the last fifteen years trying to pour Jesus. David would have left it there though - indeed he did leave it there, but Angela wondered if other forms of corruption had been involved as well. Certainly her daughter in law's bottom drawer contained underwear of an immodest nature - at her age as well! But did that suggest she might also tend towards indecency in her private life as well. It was a tricky business Penny was so hard to read. Fortunately though David's mother was a very pragmatic woman, though possibly ever so slightly deranged as well, and she merely engaged the services of a private detective.

  Chapter 21

  Doctor Lin was a quietly competent instructor of Tai Chi. She was also adept at Qigong, a very old technique that synchronised the breath, the mind and the body, and she was a very patient teacher. Ironically her lack of airs made it hard for her to keep certain serious types of student, who tended to drift towards the more visually impressive Dragon Man, at the Sport's Centre, whom Penny insisted would not have known Qigong if it had struck him in the Dan Tien. And without a feel for the internal system encouraged by regular Qigong practice, Tai Chi was no more than dancing.

  But Phil and Penny and Lara and the Hairy Bear man, who's real name was Arthur, by the way, were not serious types of student at all, but merely attracted by the tranquillity it lent to their lives, and so got on famously. They enjoyed the instruction on Sundays, but also began to value more and more the practice in Lara's Orchard. Hardly a day passed when someone would not visit the orchard, and often there were half a dozen from Dr Lin's class, some practising, others drinking tea and looking on from the deck. Lara was delighted by their company, and her good nature was never imposed upon. Others brought tea and biscuits to replenish the stocks in the Summer House. Someone swept it clean inside and dusted and washed the curtains on the little windows.

  Penny and Phil continued to practice push hands together, until Doctor Lin took it a stage further and showed the class how the push hands technique could be used as a form of wrestling. Phil enjoyed the wrestling, though preferred to partner the Hairy Bear Man, as it didn't feel right wrestling with Penny. For one thing, she was too aggressive - too much bottled up frustration inside of her that needing to be vented. He would ache after wrestling with Penny, but her zeal also made her easy to unbalance, to tip over. Once or twice Phil had sent her staggering and then he would be beside himself, worrying that he'd hurt her.

  One Saturday afternoon Phil managed to wriggle out of the usual shopping trip into town and called at the orchard instead. He was delighted to find Penny's car in the lane. There was another car too that he didn't recognise but when he walked through the gate he realised it probably belonged to the Hairy Bear man. Penny and Arthur were sparring in the grass, both in a low stance and seeming to take it in turns to send each other staggering. Penny clearly loved to wrestle and Phil smiled at his own softly-softly approach - Penny probably thought him a pussy. Lara was on the deck and Phil sat beside her.

  "I do hope they're careful," said Lara. "I must admit I don't really care for this aspect of the art at all."

  "I know. Me neither. But Arthur's a gentle soul. I'm sure he'd do nothing to hurt Penny."

  "It's not Penny I'm worried about."

  Phil laughed. As usual, Penny was being far more aggressive and had already overbalanced Arthur several times, sending him hopping and laughing like a little boy. "When I was at school," said Phil. "It was always the girls who played the roughest."

  "I suppose there's no harm. And they do seem to be having fun. Penny looks so sad most of the time, like she has the weight of the world upon her."

  "Problems at home, I think."

  "You know, she said the same thing when I asked her about you. "

  "You've talked about me?"

  "Oh,
… don't look so worried. I know it's none of my business, but we're curious creatures we females, and I'm too old to be discrete when there are things that need saying, so I hope you'll forgive me."

  "Is there anything to forgive? Really, I'm flattered that you should think me worth the trouble."

  "I know you have your problems too. But you look do much brighter these days, Philip.

  "Well, I feel brighter. I feel younger. I don't know what it is - the acupuncture, the Tai Chi,… "

  "Perhaps the company?"

  "Oh,… the company certainly."

  Lara gave a little twinkle. "You and Penny seem quite close."

  "I wasn't just meaning Penny. I've never had much of a social life, but suddenly I'm among people I find I can relate to."

  Lara smiled. "But you and Penny are particularly close, I think?"

  "We find ourselves in a similar situation at home. We're just helping each other along a bit."

  "I'm not judging either of you, Philip. You're both lovely people. Both vulnerable. A man needs a wife to take an interest in him, and a woman needs a man to make her feel loved. Be careful, you don't end up fulfilling those needs through each other, at the price of your marriages."

  "Neither of us wants an affair, Lara."

  "I've watched you together. When you do the form, there's a stillness about you both that's quite eerie. A stillness and a quiet dignity. I would hate to see you both dragged down by something,… sordid."

  "We understand the dangers. Perhaps we're conceited to think we can rise above our human natures, but circumstances seem to have brought us together for a purpose - if it's only to provide a helping hand and a listening ear."

  "But you can talk to me, Philip. So can Penny. My door is open. And it might be safer for you both that way."

  "Lara,… I'm very grateful. That's very kind of you. Do I detect the voice of experience?"

  She smiled knowingly. "I was married for forty years, but that doesn't mean it was plain sailing all the time."

  "But they were mostly good years?"

  "Like all marriages, it had its ups and downs. The worst period was when my husband developed an interest in a young lady who worked behind the make-up counter at Boots. He was fifty two and she was nineteen. It was ridiculous of course, and he saw that in the end. It wasn't all his fault: I was neglecting him in a certain department and we girls don't always appreciate how important it is for a man to have a wife who is also an attentive and imaginative lover."

  "You forgave him?"

  "There was nothing to forgive, Philip. The girl didn't even know he existed, but I found his letters to her,… letters he probably never even intended sending, but he was thinking about her, and for as long as he was thinking about her, he wasn't thinking about me."

  "She was his Caroline then."

  "I think her name was Agnes."

  "Oh,.. Carolines have many aliases, Lara. A Caroline can be a devious pixie for sure, but I can spot her a mile away, and Penny is no Caroline. Penny's presence in my life is a reality. She's a real friend."

  "Invite her round to dinner at your house then, if she's just a friend."

  "I know where you're going with that and you're right: Sally would kill me."

  "And can't you see, Philip, whatever you share with Penny, you deny your wife. Everything you say to Penny, every bit of hurt and pain you reveal to her, you should be revealing to Sally."

  "Unless there comes a point when you really can't share things with your wife any more. A point when you're just hiding from the obvious, trying to keep things going for the kids, a point when everything there used to be between you has gone."

  "You loved each other once, though?"

  "I do still."

  "Then it can be rebuilt, renewed."

  "It depends on Sally."

  "Then talk to her, tell her everything you've told me - except the bit about Penny of course."

  "I know you're right about this. But I feel powerless. Is it just cowardice? Is it just that it's easier to talk to someone who's sympathetic, than someone who's likely to bite your head off or break your legs?"

  "Well, I suppose if love is gone,… ?"

  "Even then there's no reason to split up. People who don't love each other can still be together and rub along quite nicely - so long as they don't expect too much from one another. So long as they don't expect,… well,… love. I'm sure many older couples get by like that."

  "That's fine, but you must at least expect fidelity."

  Time was up. The tea was drunk and Phil had ten minutes to get back home before Sally began watching the clock. It was too late for Tai Chi, but the talk with Lara had calmed him almost as much. He waved goodbye, being careful not to pay any undue attention to Penny. Then he left the orchard with some regret, noticing as he did so yet another car, parked a little way off, tucked into the bushes, the driver hidden by a newspaper. It was a funny place to be parking at that time of a Saturday afternoon, he thought.

  Penny followed him out. She was working that day, but her shift didn't start until later, so there was no hurry, but she was feeling guilty about playing with Arthur and ignoring Phil, so she trotted over to say good bye.

  "Everything all right, Phil?"

  "Sure."

  "Why don't you wrestle with me any more?"

  "I'm afraid of hurting you, Penny."

  "Oh, come on, don't be so soft."

  "I'd rather dance with you. Lara and I were just saying how we're not sure about this wrestling business. It seems too rough for what we thought of as a gentle art."

  She thought for a moment. "I know. I think I prefer to dance as well, but sometimes it's good to play rough - gets it out of your system - like punching a bag or kicking a dog. I'm much nicer to the children after I've been here and had a wrestle with someone. But anyway, what else were you and Lara talking about? You looked so serious."

  Phil wasn't sure he should say, but Penny was bound to hear of it sooner or later. "Lara knows," he said. "I mean about us."

  Penny grew pale and she felt her stomach heave. "But what is there to know? There is no us." Well there wasn't was there? "Will she tell, do you think?"

  "What is there to tell? All she knows is that we're not having an affair."

  Penny didn't understand. "Then?… "

  "She's concerned we might think that's the only option open to us."

  "But we know it's not. It's not what we want at all."

  "What do we want then?"

  "Phil, it would please me to see you and Sally happy and in love again. And it would please me to have David back the way he was when I first met him."

  "I feel the same. I'm sure there's a way back for us both - we just have to work at it - that's what they say isn't it? You have to work at a marriage and maybe we're not working hard enough, or we took our eye off the ball somewhere. But we will manage it."

  Penny smiled. "Yes, though in my case I think that might involve taking out a contract on my mother in-law."

  Phil chuckled. She was in a feisty mood this morning. "Well, Sal and me are going out for a meal next Friday. The flowers didn't work, but we had a meal a while ago and that was better - so I'm trying another spontaneous romantic gesture, a different restaurant."

  "Good for you! Have you any other tips for me?"

  "Well,… I've been thinking about that,… about what men need or expect from their marriages. I suppose a playmate's quite important."

  "I've already tried that, remember?"

  "No,.. not that kind of playmate. I mean someone to join in with my little hobbies. It would have been great if Sal had come to Tai Chi with me - even if she didn't take it seriously. I think a man likes a playmate. It's just that I've never had one since I grew up, and certainly not since I got married."

  Penny had obviously not considered this before and her eyes lit up at the thought of it. Maybe! Or maybe not,… maybe it would work with a normal man, a man with hobbies, a man like Phil, perhaps. Sure - she'd be a
willing playmate for Phil, she thought - go walking, fishing maybe, Tai Chi, dancing,… cheer her man on while he played rugby. She'd even watched the blokes in the park with their radio control aeroplanes and fancied having a go herself. But David?

  "David's not like that, Phil. He doesn't play at anything. He has his job, and he has the church. Full stop. He sees everything else as childish. As for him coming to Tai Chi,… well,… "

  "There must be something. Does he read? You could try reading the same stuff perhaps - even if you hate it. He might see it as taking an interest in him. We're very simple creatures, Penny. Anything that inflates our self image, our ego, is bound to work."

  She frowned. "He doesn't need me to inflate his ego. And no, he doesn't read - well except for the Bible of course. And that repels me,… at least the way he uses it to back up his own arguments. Then I listen to him and his mother sniping at people in the congregation in a way that's un-Christian to say the least, and I just go cold. That's something I can't share. Something I'm too busy running away from."

  "He can pluck Bible quotations out of the air, just like that?"

  "You bet - probably out of context though - not that I would know of course."

  Phil gave a whistle of approval. "That's impressive!"

  Penny arched an impatient eyebrow. "Impressive? You should try being on the receiving end of it!"

  "It's difficult, Penny. I can see that. But I'm sure there's a part of David that needs reassurances other than Biblical. And if you can find out what they are, maybe he won't be so overbearing in other ways."

  She sighed. "I'll think about it, but it'll be a lot easier just to kill his mother."

  He smiled, and prayed that she was joking. "I'd better go,"

  She looked tenderly at him, then caught his arm. "Thanks Phil. Have a good day." Then she reached up and pecked him on the cheek. It was a friendly gesture, filled with sincerity and a genuine affection, but nothing more, and Phil understood that, though it still moved him. She knew he understood, and she liked the way he did not flinch when she rendered herself vulnerable to him.