The Daughter He Wanted

by Kristina Knight

  “I feel obligated to tell you you’re an ass,” Tuck said through the open truck window as he surveyed the empty cemetery.

  Alex refused to take the bait. “That’s not news.”

  It was better for everyone, all around, if he stopped trying to be what he wasn’t. He was a widower. He wasn’t Kaylie’s father. His past had messed up Paige’s life and he refused to wreck it further.

  It shouldn’t be this hard to move on from her. He shouldn’t hear her laugh when he was in line at the grocery store. Shouldn’t see her face in his dreams. It had been a month, six weeks. Falling out of love with a woman he barely knew should be as simple as falling in had been.

  So why wasn’t it?

  He snagged his bottle of water from the cup holder and drank, but Tuck was still there when he finished the bottle.

  “Don’t you have a date to go on?”

  “Sure. I’m picking her up in an hour.” He pointed to his car, parked behind the truck. “But I thought maybe I could talk some sense into you before I danced her through the night.”

  “I don’t want you here.”

  “Doesn’t look like you have a choice. What happened at the hospital?”

  “Kaylie fell, slight fracture to her skull, but she’s okay.”

  “I didn’t ask why she was in the hospital. Alison told me that. I asked what happened at the hospital.”

  Alex gripped his hands on the wheel. “X-rays, pain meds—”

  “God, you really are an ass. Why is it that prehospital you said you loved Paige and posthospital you won’t mention her name? Haven’t seen her and are stomping around like Godzilla destroying Tokyo?”

  Saying it out loud wouldn’t change anything. Wouldn’t make losing dad status any worse, Alex decided. “I’m not Kaylie’s father. The mix-up at the clinic was clerical only, only they jumped the gun and told Paige and I immediately.”

  Tuck whistled low and long. “Damn. I’m sorry, man.”

  Alex wanted to shrug, as if it wasn’t anything big, but couldn’t. “Yeah.”

  “Being pissed at the clinic doesn’t mean being pissed at the world. What does Paige have to say about all this?”

  “That we’re still Kaylie’s parents.”

  Tuck raised an eyebrow at Alex and waited.

  “We aren’t her parents. Paige is. I’m just...the guy whose name they put on the wrong vial.”

  “You think you can’t be Kaylie’s father because you don’t have the same DNA?” Tuck said incredulously.

  “That’s kind of what DNA means. Family. Paternity. Relative. I’m not her father.”

  “Neither is the guy who donated the semen to make her. And he’s got the same DNA.”

  Alex clenched the steering wheel. Tuck didn’t understand. Couldn’t understand what it meant to think he was Kaylie’s father only to find out he wasn’t.

  To love Paige but realize he had nothing to offer her.

  “I don’t think Kaylie cares that your DNA string isn’t a match to hers. I think she cares that you’re teaching her to swim and give horses tomato baths.”

  A set of lights flashed behind them and the night watchman stopped, reminding Alex the cemetery would close in a few minutes. Alex waved the older man off and watched as Tuck got into his truck to drive away. After a long time he drove slowly through the gates, thinking about the fertility clinic. Kaylie. Everything circled back to Paige.

  Why would she want him, a widower with family issues to deal with, if he didn’t have a real connection to Kaylie?

  It’s just to find out. If there is a problem, we’ll know and deal with it. Dee’s words from that first conversation about the clinic echoed in his mind. This is just step one on our journey to becoming parents. It doesn’t matter how we do it, it only matters that we do do it.

  A peaceful feeling settled over his shoulders. What if Dee was right? What if it didn’t matter how a family was made—through biology or pharmacy or choice?

  For the first time since he’d met Paige he saw a light that wasn’t dependent on her or on Kaylie. Because it was part of him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  PAIGE MOPED THROUGH the week, indulging herself in a few good, hard cries and a couple of pints of Ben & Jerry’s salted caramel ice cream. Spent extra time watching movies and reading books with Kaylie, and after her daughter was asleep, turned on old black-and-white tearjerkers on late-night television.

  Each day Kaylie seemed more like her old self.

  Each day it seemed strange not to tell Alex about something Kaylie said or did.

  It really shouldn’t be this hard to get back into her routine, but it was impossible to finish the barn painting and lighting the fire pit brought back too many memories of Alex. Playing “Angry Birds” with Kaylie made her remember the night of the school lock-in and how Alex had filled in like a pro.

  Here she was on a Friday night with zero energy for grading projects and no interest in anything other than staring at the wall. Which was ridiculous and so ending now.

  Her heart might be bruised to its very core but that didn’t give Paige permission to stop being a mom.

  “What do you say we make spaghetti for dinner?” she asked Kaylie after staring into the pantry for a solid five minutes. Nothing looked appetizing but spaghetti would at least be more nutritious than drive-through burgers or pizza. Again.

  She twisted around on the sofa. “The long noodles?”

  She nodded. “I won’t break them up at all.”

  “Yay, just like Lady and the Tramp,” Kaylie squealed and ran to her shelf to find the movie. “Can we watch while we eat?”

  Maybe turning over a completely new leaf could wait for tomorrow. Spaghetti and her favorite Disney flick with Kaylie sounded like heaven. “Sure. But tomorrow, screen-time rules are back in force.”

  Kaylie tilted her head to the side, trying to decipher what Paige had said.

  “It means tomorrow we go back to fifteen minutes of tablet and one hour of TV or movies per night.”

  “Oh. Okay. Alex calls that ‘scream time,’” Kaylie said and handed the DVD box to Paige. Her heart pinched at the mention of Alex’s name and she thanked the heavens Kaylie didn’t follow that up with a “Where is Alex, anyway?” question. Again.

  She got the movie going and popped spaghetti into the boiling water before warming the garlic bread and sauce. On the screen, Tramp convinced Lady to follow him away from Jim Dear and Darling’s house. Just as Alex had convinced her they could make a future together.

  Stop it, Paige. Stop thinking about him and start enjoying the evening with your daughter.

  She drained the pasta and, while it cooled, set up two trays in the family room. Filled the plates and settled in just as Tramp and Lady shared their plate of spaghetti in the dirty alley. Kaylie giggled as she sucked a long noodle into her mouth, imitating the dogs on the screen. When Paige tried, and splattered sauce all over her shirt, Kaylie laughed even harder.

  Paige wet a dish towel at the sink and tried to brush the worst of the sauce away. The doorbell rang, interrupting her.

  “I can get it,” Kaylie said and her tiny feet pounded out a rhythm against the hardwood floor as she raced to the door. “Hi,” she said, excited as Paige rounded the corner.

  And stopped short.

  Alex stood in the entryway. He unzipped his jacket. “May I come in?”

  Paige’s heart beat a tattoo against her ribs. Oh, but he looked good. He had a bit of scruff on his cheeks, as if he’d been too busy to shave, and wore his usual jeans and polo. She wanted to run down the hall and throw her arms around his neck the way Kaylie had just thrown her arms around his legs.

  “Mama said you weren’t here tonight,” she said.

  “I’m just running a little late, sweetpea,” he replied. Paige’s nickname seemed to roll off his tongue as if he’d been saying it forever. But his focus was on her, not on Kaylie, as if what he said wasn’t in reply to Kaylie at all.

  Paige shook herself. N
ow was not the time to go all weepy because he used a nickname and happened to be looking in her direction when he did so. She motioned him inside and offered him a plate of spaghetti. He declined.

  “I was hoping we could talk,” he said quietly.

  “Okay. But not in front of her.”

  He shook his head. “No, not in front of her.” He motioned to the back porch. Paige made sure Kaylie was settled back with her movie and food and followed him outside.

  The night was dark, with clouds blocking out most of the stars and seeming to put the moon on a dimmer switch. Paige wrapped her arms around her body and wished she’d grabbed a coat from the closet. Alex took off his jacket and offered it to her but Paige declined. She needed a clear head. Getting lost in the scent of Alex was so not going to happen.

  “I’m sorry, Paige.”

  “I know. You’re too good a man not to be sorry when someone is hurting.” She couldn’t get angry. She would accept because she had to move on, for Kaylie’s sake. She wouldn’t let her pre-Kaylie past influence her life any longer, and she wouldn’t let her post-Alex life change her, either. She deserved to be happy and she would figure out how to do that starting right now.

  “I’m not sorry because you’re hurting. I’m sorry because I hurt you.” He reached out, trailing his fingers along her jaw. At the light pressure she looked at him.

  “Alex—” She had to stop him before he said something he didn’t mean.

  Before she started believing in him again.

  “I talk to her, sometimes. Go to her grave and tell her what crazy schemes Tuck’s cooked up, tell her how much her parents miss her. I stopped doing that after the lawyer called.” He took a breath but didn’t break the connection of their gazes. “It was about a week before I met either of you, and I went to the cemetery. I couldn’t get out of my truck. There was this pressure in my chest, like it was holding me against the seat. I drove away because I had no idea how to tell her that her dream of having a child led me to having one without her. And then I avoided it because you made it okay not to be Alex the Widower. You and Kaylie didn’t have a connection to my past and I had no idea how to tell her about how you made me feel. Like I was Alex again. Just Alex.”

  Paige’s heart broke a little more at his words because she could feel the truth and the pain in them. “You’re still Alex.”

  “But I’m not Kaylie’s father. Not really. I told her about you, about that night at the pool. I told her about Kaylie and you. I didn’t see a ghostly apparition and I didn’t hear her voice, but once I said all that I felt peace. Like maybe she heard me. Like maybe she understood what I needed.”

  “Good.” Paige tried to keep her breathing even. Because his finding peace didn’t automatically mean she would find the same thing. “I want you to be happy, Alex.”

  “You make me happy.”

  Her heart jolted in her chest but still Paige couldn’t allow herself to believe.

  “I can’t be the female accessory in your new life. And I won’t let Kaylie be that, either.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “We can’t be the replacement family.”

  “You were never accessories, either of you. And you weren’t replacements. I just had a hard time figuring out how to define you, and then after the accident there didn’t seem to be anything to define.”

  “And now?”

  He watched the stars for a long moment. “And now I think I’m ready to start making up my own definitions. I’m not Kaylie’s father, but I hope you might still let me be her dad.”

  All the emotions she’d been holding on to so tightly spilled over. “You want us?”

  “I love you,” he said. “I love you and I want you. Both of you. I don’t care what the paternity test says. I choose the future.” He was quiet for a long moment. “I want the future, Paige. I want to be Kaylie’s dad. I choose to love you and build the family we both want.”

  “Tell me again.”

  He smiled and pressed his forehead against hers. “I love you, Paige Kenner.”

  “Ask me something.”

  “Do you want to take a drive with me?”

  She nodded. A few minutes later, with Kaylie buckled into the backseat, they were driving. “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll find out in a few minutes. Why don’t you sing while we drive?” Alex suggested and turned on the radio. Kaylie sang, off-tempo and off-key, as they meandered around Bonne Terre.

  Tall oak and maple trees dotted the streets and streetlights gave the area a glow. Alex turned left off Main Street and a few blocks later turned back onto her quiet street.

  “Hey, we didn’t go anyplace. We’re just home,” Kaylie said in annoyance.

  Alex looked at Paige, a look in his eyes that made her heart leap. “Yeah, we are.”

  EPILOGUE

  FOUR WEEKS LATER, Alex finished his chicken and speared a stalk of broccoli from Kaylie’s plate.

  “Hey!” she said, beetling her little brows at him.

  “You said broccoli trees grow in your mouth.”

  “Cheese helps them go down.”

  Alex replaced the stalk on her plate and Kaylie happily demolished it. After clearing the dishes and setting the cook pans to soak, the three settled into the family room. Paige fiddled with the television remote and finally put it down.

  “Before you watch your show, Kaylie, there’s something Alex and I would like to talk to you about.” Paige cleared her throat. “You know how it’s always been you and me? Mommy and daughter?” Kaylie nodded and drew her knees to her chest. “Well, it’s also been Alex for the past few weeks, and he has something he’d like to tell you.”

  The hawks in Alex’s stomach flapped to life.

  “I wondered if...” No, not the right way to go about this. He was her dad. “I want to tell you that you’re my favorite four-year-old in the whole world.”

  Kaylie grinned. “That’s cause I’m funny and I swim good. And I don’t run at the pool anymore.” She touched her head. The bandage was gone but a small scar remained.

  “Yes, those things are important. You’re a great helper and a good party planner, too. But the reason you’re my all-time favorite four-year-old is because I love you.” Kaylie threw her arms around his neck and squeezed. He caught Paige’s gaze and she nodded.

  “We both love you, Kay. I’m your mom and I love you.”

  Alex cleared his throat. “And I’m going to be your dad and I love you.”

  Kaylie tilted her head back and studied Alex for a long moment. “I thought I only had a mommy.”

  “We all thought that, sweetpea,” Paige said, rubbing her hand over Kaylie’s arm. “For a long time I thought it would just be you and me, but now we’ve found Alex, and he wants to be part of our family.”

  Alex chimed in. “If it’s okay with you, I’d really like to be your dad.”

  “So now can you sleep over?”

  Alex grinned when he saw the blush steal over Paige’s face. He’d been sleeping over, off and on, since the night they took the drive. “Yeah, but no matter where I sleep, I’ll be here for dinner and swimming and we’ll watch movies and have the best time.”

  Kaylie studied him for a long moment, tracing her fingers along his nose and under his eyes. “Do I get to call you Daddy?”

  Alex swallowed against the tightening of his throat. “Only if you want.”

  “I want,” she said and bounced back to her seat between him and Paige. “Can I watch my show now?”

  Alex studied their daughter for a long moment, thinking how lucky he was to have found not only Kaylie but her mom. Kaylie took Alex’s hand and then Paige’s and they settled into the sofa to watch her favorite program. Kaylie leaned her head against his arm and curled her legs under her like Paige did.

  From friend to dad in the span of five minutes and now they were watching a cartoon like any number of families around the world. His heart expanded a little bit more at her easy acceptance of him into her life.

 
Paige waited until Kaylie’s show was over and her daughter’s eyes were drifting closed before suggesting a bedtime story, wanting the night to last as long as possible. Kaylie insisted Alex tell her a story and Paige sing a lullaby. She was asleep before Paige got to the second verse.

  As they had before things briefly fell apart, Alex and Paige went to the deck to sit and watch the sky.

  “My turn,” he said after a while.

  “For what?”

  “Q and A, of course.”

  Paige crossed her legs primly. “I’m an open book. Ask what you will.”

  He sat beside her. “Do you love me?”

  She nodded and wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling his face down to hers. The kiss was sweet, a caress of lips and a joint inhalation when they came apart.

  “More than I thought possible. Alex?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you want to go steady?”

  “Nope,” he said and she froze. “Because you know Hank and Dot are going to have issues with the leprous farmers from St. Francois County. After the past few weeks I can vouch for the fact that my mother-in-law can be a master manipulator. I don’t want to go steady. I want to be your family. Yours and Kaylie’s, through all the bumps that are bound to come from blending us all together.”

  Paige couldn’t breathe. She tried to inhale but the air seemed to get stuck somewhere between her nose and her lungs. Her heart pounded and her eyes got watery.

  “If you missed it, that was a proposal without the question attached, in case you want me to officially ask that important question on a night that is just about us and not us-with-Kaylie.”

  “I didn’t miss it,” she said, and her voice wavered. “And I think a night that includes all of us is perfect. So why don’t I ask the question?”

  “Because that’s my job?”

  “We’ve made our family without paying so much attention to the rules so far.”

  “True.” He looked at her and she could see the love shining in his eyes, brighter than the stars in the sky.