Strapped Down

by Nina G. Jones

“Can I ask you something?”

  “Well, I guess I have no choice, now that I said it was okay to ask me anything.”

  “Why did you keep the photo all these years? I mean you say you hate her, that you want nothing to do with her, but you held onto this.”

  Taylor rests his face on the back of my shoulder and sighs.

  “You know, I never thought about it. I guess it does seem odd that I would keep it.”

  “Well, any boy would want to keep the last memory of his mom alive. But the way you speak about her is what makes me surprised that you kept it.”

  Taylor sighs again. “You know when I was in the hospital today, I remembered something that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. Something I never told anyone.”

  I turn to face him, bringing my feet up in the large chair as he cradles me in his arms. “What was it?”

  “The person who discovered me after the suicides was a woman. I don’t remember much about her, besides that she was a friend of my mom. I remember she was familiar, someone I trusted at the time. The room was really dark because they had drawn all the shades and so I had been in the dark without light for days.”

  “Oh my god.”

  “When she opened the door, my eyes were so sensitive to the light and she was engulfed in it. At first, I thought that I had died and she was an angel. She was beautiful, she had long dark brown hair.” He slides a tendril of my hair between his fingers. “She started to cough, I presume because of the smell. And she kept mumbling something over and over. I think she was panicking, calling out names of people she knew. She was definitely crying.”

  “I can’t even imagine.”

  “I started to cry out, but I was so weak, I could barely make a sound.” Taylor’s eyes look out into the distance, as if he can see the scene replaying in front of us. “Then she spotted me and ran over. I remember her tripping over the bodies, then she started to crawl towards me. She scooped me up and I hugged her so hard. I mean a tornado could have ripped through that building and I would have never let her go.” I try so hard to hold back the emotion, but a single tear drops down my cheek. Then another. Taylor snaps out of his trance for a second and notices the second tear. He wipes it off of my face and pushes some hair behind my ear.

  “So what happened next?” I ask.

  “Well, it’s kind of blurry, but the next thing I remember is being in the hospital, which is why I fucking hate them, not just because of all of the people. I didn’t want to let this woman go, she was the only person I knew, everyone else was strange. I had spent my entire life up until that point at the commune. I didn’t know what hospitals were, or the police, I didn’t know these people were there to help me. So many adults had hurt me up until that point. Eventually, they had to pull me away from her and I screamed, I bit, I kicked, I cried. She cried. It took several people. All these strangers, putting their hands all over me, ripping me from her arms.” He stops.

  “That must have been really hard and scary for you.” The act of speaking distracts me from holding back my tears and they begin to drip down steadily. He simply nods. We are silent for a few moments, and I lay my head on his shoulder.

  “She held me the entire time, until my dad showed up, which is when they ripped me away. He left for the first flight out to get me as soon as he found out. Before I was to leave with him, they gave her one last opportunity to speak with me. So this woman crouched in front of me, as I sat there with my head down, and she whispered to me. ‘Taylor, I may never see you again, but it is important you never forget this. Your mother loved you very much. People may try to make you think otherwise, but I know she did. Don’t let yourself forget that.’ Then she kissed me on the forehead and left. My dad took me immediately after. She was the last person who I ever let hug me, until I met you.”

  “Do you know what happened to her?”

  “No idea. That was the last I ever saw of her. But I guess that’s why I kept the photo. In a way, it was the last wish of the woman who saved me.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Taylor’s story is so overwhelming that I have no words for him. Instead, I use my touch to express my love for him by laying in his arms. Now I understand what that loss, his inability to physically connect, has meant all this time. When they ripped Taylor from the arms of the only person he knew, into a strange and unfamiliar world, however better it really was, he was lost. In this new and strange world, the people laid their hands on you to take you away from the people you loved, and if you gave up your heart to someone and embraced them, you could be setting yourself up for another heart-crushing loss. We both nod off, not having had much sleep the night before. Eventually, I wake to Taylor shaking underneath me, swinging one of his arms. Luckily, the other arm is pinned down by my weight. His eyelids flutter, the whites exposed with each movement of his eyelids. It’s been a while, but he must be having one of those dreams again. Quickly, I rise off of him to keep a safe distance. I heard once that you shouldn’t wake someone up when they are sleep walking, so I don’t know if I should interrupt him. It’s not exactly sleep walking, and I debate what would be the better of the two evils. Suddenly, he starts to speak. “No…no…no!” Each “no” gets successively louder starting as a mumble and eventually to a yell, as if he is fighting someone. The level of distress he is under freaks me out, so I begin to softly call his name.

  “Taylor.”

  “No…no…”

  I try a little louder.

  “Taylor.”

  “Stop…please no.”

  It’s clear that unless I scream, I won’t wake him up from his terror.

  “Taylor! Taylor!” He jumps up, startled. He wildly looks around, trying to register his surroundings. It’s as if he still can’t see the world in front of him. “Taylor, it’s okay…it’s me. You’re okay, you’re home with me. It’s okay.”

  He scratches his head and says something incoherent.

  “It’s me…Shy. You were having a bad dream.” He squints at me (clearly he was in a very deep state), lets out an exasperated sigh, and buries his head in his hands. His hair is wild and he looks like he’s just been through a battle, which in a way, he has. “Taylor?”

  “Gimme a sec,” he says while keeping his head down. “What the fuck?” he murmurs to himself. After 30 seconds or so, he looks up at me and sighs. “I am so fucking out of it. Did I freak you out?”

  “No, I was just worried about you. You seemed terrified. I wasn’t sure if I should wake you.”

  “You did the right thing. It’s just that it’s really confusing to come out of it, it takes me a while to figure out where I am and shit. I shouldn’t have napped like that.”

  “You should be able to nap.”

  “Not with you around. I can’t risk it. Besides, I never nap, your sleepiness is contagious.”

  “Hey!” I say defensively.

  “Well, I am going to shower and get out of this daze I’m in.”

  “Can I join?”

  “Sure, pretty girl.”

  “Oh I forgot to mention, is it okay if Kristin comes by for dinner?”

  “Mi casa es su casa, but are you sure you want her to see you like this? What did you tell her?”

  “I told them someone broke into my house. She is going to want more details regardless.”

  “You’re not going to tell her about Eric?”

  “Which version?”

  “I don’t know. That’s my point, this shit gets twisted fast.”

  It occurs to me, in both versions of the story, Eric rapes me. I can’t tell her the real story and put her in any position to have to lie to the cops or betray me under oath, but the second version is so violent, and I don’t want her thinking that’s how it happened.

  “You’re right. I’ll wear long sleeves so she doesn’t see the cuts, she knows all about that and will know I relapsed. I’ll just say it was a robbery attempt, that’s what I implied over the phone anyway. I don’t want her to worry about me and it’s not fa
ir to get her mixed up in this.”

  “I’m glad you agree. Oh, just so you know. I called someone to find out what’s going on with Em. I am sure she is off living her life happily married with 10 babies by now, but you asked.” Em? I’ll admit, his little abbreviation of her name makes me jealous. It’s intimate, in a way.

  “Thank you.”

  Instead of showering, Taylor and I grab a bottle of wine and take a nice long soak in the bowl-shaped tub. Finally! We lay in the water for about an hour, talking about anything but the heavy topics we’ve been forced to confront these past few days.

  Taylor insists on picking up dinner from our favorite Italian place so that we don’t have to cook, which is fine by me. While he is out, Kristin arrives at the house.

  “Oh my god, your lip! Thank god you’re okay. Okay, now tell me what happened?”

  “I walked in on a robbery. He freaked out and we struggled, but then he panicked and left.”

  “I just can’t believe this happened. Do you think it’s because of Taylor? Like people know he’s rich?” Well, you’ve got half of it right.

  “It might be, the police are looking for him, but since he didn’t take anything, unless he confesses, it will be hard to find him. I didn’t see his face.”

  “You seem to be taking it so well, I mean, I would be freaking out. That is so scary. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Oh trust me, I was. Taylor has really helped me though, he makes me feel protected and I’ll be staying with him for a while.”

  “Awww. You two are so cute. I’m glad you’re okay and please be more careful!”

  “So are you and my boss! Please tell me what the deal is. You two have been spending so much time together.”

  Kristin lets out a gleaming smile. “Yeah, we’ve been spending the night at each other’s places. I really, really like him. You know, I’ve dated so many jerks, and I used to look at you and Rick…oh sorry, too soon?”

  “No it’s fine, I get what you’re saying. You always dated the bad boys, and I had the nice guy.” My how the tables have turned.

  “Yes, exactly. It wasn’t that I didn’t like nice guys, but I never found one who could hold my interest, but Chad, he’s fun, and sweet, and stylish, and smart…”

  “Wow, you really, really like him. I guess I’ll have to prepare for the fact that you two are going to be a thing. Just don’t break his heart, or he’ll hate me for introducing you two.”

  “Never! He thinks you’re great by the way.”

  “Tell him I want a raise.” I wink and we both laugh. “Seriously though, I am happy for you two, Chad has a big heart.”

  “I don’t want to count my chickens so to speak, but yeah, he’s kind of awesome. Where’s Taylor?”

  “Oh, he went out to get dinner. You don’t mind if he hangs out with us, do you?”

  “No, not at all! I had a lot of fun last time.”

  I remember how nervous I was for them to first meet, which then reminds me of the awkward hug. “Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, and please don’t take this personally…but could you not hug him when he comes back?”

  “Ummm…okay, I guess.”

  “It has nothing to do with you, or me, he has a thing about people touching him.”

  “Really? Why?”

  “I don’t really know…well, just between you and I, some stuff in his childhood. He gets like anxiety about it. Please do not repeat that to anyone.”

  “Oh course not. That’s really sad. What about you? Does he hug you?”

  “Yes, but it’s different. He and I, you know…we have something.”

  Taylor walks in with Harrison, who is holding several take-out bags of food. Harrison places them on the counter, nods at me, and walks out.

  “Jesus Taylor, are we feeding the entire city?” I ask.

  “I didn’t know what Kristin would like, so I went a little crazy. Kristin, good to see you again.”

  “Same here!” she says, a little googly-eyed by his presence. I’m sure she’ll get used to him after a while.

  He starts opens up the various containers and lines them up on the breakfast bar for us to help ourselves, which fills the room with appetite-inducing aromas. I pour three glasses of red wine for us, and Kristin and I sit in stools on the breakfast bar while Taylor stands at the counter facing us.

  “So, you must have been freaked out by what happened to Shyla, huh?” Kristin asks.

  Taylor’s face tightens, Kristin doesn’t realize how personal that question is. Taylor finishes chewing his bite. “Yes, it’s really upsetting. I’m just glad she’s okay now and I am not going to let anything like that happen to her again.” The room gets uncomfortably silent, Taylor emitting a tense energy. I choose to take the conversation in a lighter direction.

  “So, Kristin is officially dating my boss!” Taylor nods and lets out a hesitant smile but seems distracted, I know it’s because he can’t take his mind off of Eric again. I turn to Kristin, “Have you heard the surround sound in here? Let me get some music going, it’s incredible, it’ll feel like we’re in a restaurant. As I hop up to grab my laptop, which connects wirelessly to the speaker system, Taylor’s cell phone rings. He picks it up, something I am used to with Taylor: when dating a CEO, the cell phone gets answered no matter the time or setting. While I am surfing for songs on my laptop, his face drops a bit as he quietly exchanges some words and then hangs up.

  “Ladies, I’m afraid I have to run out for a bit, some last minute business came up.” My gut tells me there is more to the story than this.

  “Is everything okay?” I ask.

  “Yup, everything is fine. Have fun, take any car you want out for a joy ride.” His eagerness to allow me to take any of his cars only adds to my suspicions. What is he trying to distract me from?

  “Let me walk you out.” I say.

  “It’s fine, no need.”

  “I insist,” I say sternly.

  I follow him through the foyer and once we are out of earshot, I ask “Is everything okay? This doesn’t feel like business.”

  “Yes, everything is fine. I might be in the office for a while. I’ll be back later tonight. Nothing to worry about, okay?”

  I sigh, knowing further conversation is pointless. He’ll tell me what he wants, when he wants. He leaves in a rush, without giving me a kiss goodbye.

  When I enter the great room again, Kristin asks, “Is everything okay? Did I fuck up again? First the hug, and then I think I upset him by asking about the break-in. He must hate me!”

  “No! Not at all, he likes you! Trust me, if he didn’t like you, he would never have you over. He’s just stressed with work. It’s the downside of being Mr. Big Shot.”

  “So what did he say about a joy ride?” Kristin asks inquisitively.

  “I don’t know…” Normally, I would jump at the opportunity, but I have an unrelenting residual sense of fear of leaving the house without Taylor since my encounter with Eric. “I’m tired and literally beat up.”

  Kristin pauses for a second, and then asks hesitantly, “Can I see?” Intentionally, I wore a long sleeved chiffon button down shirt with jeans, to cover up as much of the bruises as possible. I can see however, how that would leave a lot to the imagination. One thing is for sure, I cannot show her the cuts on my arms. “Sure,” I say, opening up the top buttons of the blouse to reveal the bruises around my neck.

  “Oh my god!” Kristin reveals a look of horror. “That son of a bitch.” If she only knew the real reason behind those bruises.

  “There are more bruises on my legs, from banging into stuff.”

  “Can I just say, you’re a fucking badass? You wrestled an intruder!” No I cowered in fear, and stood there as he kissed me.

  “I am hardly a badass, just lucky…I never showed you around, have I?” Instead of going for a joyride, I take Kristin around the property. Eventually, we find ourselves at the pool.

  “Is this thing heated?” Kristin asks as she kneels over and
puts her hand in.

  “I dunno, you tell me.”

  “It feels warm,” she says, in a mischievous tone.

  “You want to go for a swim?” I ask in disbelief.

  “Hells yeah, this pool is fucking awesome!”

  “I don’t have bathing suits here.”

  “So?” Normally, I wouldn’t worry one bit, but the cuts and the bruises would lead to more questions. “Oh come on, you need to have some fun, get your mind off of the bullshit.”

  “Okay, but only if we turn the lights off, since Harrison might see us otherwise.” I fiddle around with the lights a bit until I find the dimmest possible setting. “Check this out,” I yell from the pool house. Music begins to play.

  “Oh yeah!” Kristin shouts as she pulls her shirt off overhead, swaying her hips to the music. Kristin is taller than me, and has a beautiful, curvy, voluptuous figure that she wears with full confidence. Sometimes, I feel like I disappear next to her with my petite figure. Her excitement puts a big smile on my face, she has always known how to take me out of a funk. I dance inside of the pool house, wine in hand as I sashay out onto the pool deck. Kristin unclips her bra, and I can barely make out the outline of her breasts in the dim light. “What song is this?” she asks.

  “It’s called Royals,” I say side-stepping.

  “How fitting,” she says sarcastically, then she dives in. “Come on!”

  “If you see bruises, don’t freak out.”

  “I can’t see shit, you made sure of that!” I pull off my clothes and do a running cannonball into the water. “Shyla, why would you ever want to leave this house? This pool is awesome!”

  “Honestly, it’s my first time in here! Taylor always swims these perfect laps, he makes the pool look so un-fun.”

  “Do I?” Taylor’s voice asks from the deck.

  “Oh my god!” Both Kristin and I exclaim.

  In the darkness, I can barely make out his devilish smirk. Strangely, I feel like we’ve been busted by one of our dads; it might be because Kristin brings out the kid in me.

  “Should we get out?” I ask.

  “No please, enjoy. Apparently I haven’t been making good use of this thing,” he says sarcastically.