Now it was a matter of choosing the right vehicle. It had to be a big banner with a major leading man.
After careful consideration, Lara signed three movies in three different languages. One in Hindi with the biggest producer in India, the second in Tamil with a director considered a savant who straddled the worlds of critical and commercial success and the third in Telugu where she was in the pivotal role without any major hero. The last one would be entirely her show.
Like all newbies everywhere, her family became her agent-cum-manager-cum-publicist. The roles were distributed between her mother and brother. Since Bollywood was housed in Bombay, they moved to the glittering city.
Bombay with its magnificent madness was endlessly fascinating to Lara. The overflowing cauldron of people from all across the country was at once enthralling and intimidating to an outsider, but home to Lara. She loved the organised chaos, the impossible extremes, the sultry weather and the gorgeous sea. Plus the money and glamour since Bombay was the Financial Capital in addition to being the Glamour Capital of India.
Lara interrupted the flashback in her mind. She had driven herself since she was eight. Unrelentingly and uncompromisingly. So before this moment, she had never felt a sense of complete peace. Never had a sense of just being in a moment. It was a new emotion for her. A new feeling. And she was grateful to Sonny who had created this moment and this space for her. She looked over to Sonny and smiled shyly at her.
******
“What brought you to Kyse?” Lara found herself getting more and more fascinated by the woman – no, Sonny was actually a girl with her easy and wholehearted embrace of life – who she’d met just a few hours back. She felt that Sonny had her own life – and more importantly that Sonny had the answers to questions that created life – figured out. Unlike herself.
While Lara’s head knew the reality that they had met only now, her heart felt connected like there were no walls between her and Sonny, and her soul felt like a missing piece had finally slid home and become whole. Romanticising much? No, she answered the disparaging, cynical part of herself – that is exactly what I am feeling.
Sonny took a moment to order her thoughts and answer Lara. Lara had noticed this about Sonny though the time they’d been talking – she gave complete consideration to every serious question and liked to answer it thoroughly.
When the conversation was about random subjects, Sonny was quick and witty. She’d seen Sonny bantering with people who stopped by to exchange a few words and was impressed with her sharpness of mind and talent at repartee.
Lara also noticed that the moment she asked something serious, something she really wanted to know about Sonny, intuitively Sonny picked it up and slowed down to deliberate and then reply. Lara really liked this trait because it made her feel her question was important to Sonny. That she was important.
“You know, I don’t find any reason for my existence,” Sonny said slowly. “Wait…before you say anything,” she stopped Lara’s vehement protest, “I’m not saying this in a negative or unhappy way. I’m saying this in a very matter of fact way. I’m not unhappy, defeated or sad in any way. I’m good, but I still don’t find any purpose for being. So I felt that if I am, I might as well do what I want to do. And what I really want to do is nothing,” Sonny smiled. “I want to do nothing in a beautiful place. Kyse is really beautiful. I have enough to live a fairly good life. So here I am – to be peaceful. Does any of this make sense to you?” she asked.
Strangely, the question about reason and purpose of existence resonated strongly in Lara. She was also searching. She’d been feeling fragmented and Kyse was peculiarly calming. But extraordinarily, what had really centred her was being with Sonny. Lara nodded slowly, “Maybe,” she replied, once again struck by Sonny’s honesty.
******
What is it about this conversation and this person that is different? Lara wondered. She was having the best time of her life. Serious, light, funny – they were conversing easily about anything and everything. Lara’s usual restlessness, her need to be doing something, to be getting on with the next activity had disappeared. Lara’s natural inclination to build protective walls around her thoughts, idea – herself – was completely abandoned. She wanted Sonny to know her, her ideas, her opinions, her thoughts.
The conversation was lively because contradictory points-of-view led to discussions, not disagreements and whether or not one convinced the other, there was respect for the alternative argument. It was free flowing as they spoke about things as disconnected as taste in coffee to the environment; the concept of infinity to tattoos. It was exciting. But why?
And suddenly, Lara had a moment of epiphany. Sonny is the first person who is talking to me as simply another human being. Sonny had no context about Lara. No preconceived notions. She was interacting with Lara as just another person she had met. And it was obvious that she found this person interesting – delightful – really.
Sonny’s undivided interest in Lara made Lara feel seen and heard as a person for the first time. She felt like a person stripped off the trappings and expectations of her past, her profession and her public persona. She felt more like ‘herself’ than she ever had. Experiencing herself through Sonny’s prism made Lara feel that she was able to reach the core of who she was. A being; a quantity; that was heretofore unknown to her.
Sonny made her connect with herself. Discover herself.
All the while Lara felt a spell weaving around her. A spell that spelt ‘Sonny’. If Sonny’s gobsmacked expression when she looked at Lara in unguarded moments was anything to go by, she was feeling the magic too. She was experiencing the same emotional earthquake that Lara was.
And all the while Lara felt tendrils of electricity emanating from Sonny wrapping themselves around her body while a gossamer web of unnameable emotion made of steel in velvet was settling around her heart and silken connections of eternity were filling her soul.
******
Lara accompanied Sonny inside for a quick tour of pqrst to make sure that all was well. The space had filled up quite a bit. “It’s become an evening congregation junction,” Sonny confided as she exchanged pleasantries with everyone and introduced Lara to the townsfolk.
Lara was intrigued by Sonny’s interactions and body language. She was friendly with everyone exchanging jokes, asking after their day-to-day affairs obviously up to speed with whatever was happening in their lives, asking after their loved ones; yet, Lara found a reserve in Sonny. There was very little she spoke about herself to them. She didn’t extend conversations. She was friendly but distant. It was like there were walls no one had or could breach.
“I don’t get it – do you like people or not? You don’t seem to really want to talk to anybody,” Lara asked, puzzled.
“I like people alright,” Sonny sent a quick smile in Lara’s direction, “but I am not always in a mood for people. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert, but the thing is that I cannot do long conversations. Generic nothings and gossip sap me.”
“But you’ve been having a very long conversation with me,” Lara pointed out.
“True,” Sonny puckered her lips, musing. “I’ve not felt that way at all,” she said softly, almost to herself. “I actually feel rejuvenated talking to you,” she added.
…and Lara realised just how different Sonny was with her. This confession underscored Sonny’s uncharacteristic willingness to share deeply with her. I’m not alone in feeling the connection. I’m not alone in wanting to know her and for her to know me. The knowledge gratified Lara and melted her. Her lips curved upwards into a smile of unreserved purity and joy.
******
Evening was slipping into night but Lara was loth to leave. She felt that she had already long overstayed her welcome, but was finding it very break away from Sonny. Usually she was trying to end her time with people, not extend it. A day of many strange emotions. Finally, she shook herself internally and girded her loins to say goodnight.
; “I should be going,” she said exhaling a heavy breath.
“Oh, ok,” Sonny sounded surprised. It was like she’d forgotten that Lara lived elsewhere. “Let me walk you out.”
They gathered their things and started walking back. “What time do you open in the morning?” Lara couldn’t help herself. She needed to be back with Sonny. What is this draw that I’m feeling?
“When I get up or when Vic turns up,” Sonny shrugged.
“Vic works here?”
“Yes. And a couple of other kids too.”
“Volunteers?”
“No…that would be unfair. I pay them eighteen euros an hour. But the money comes out of what folks leave in our Value pqrst box.”
“What’s that?”
Sonny pointed to a transparent plastic box about three feet in height tucked away beside the door of the front room. She noticed that almost everyone leaving was dropping some currency notes into the box which was more than half full.
“I’m not carrying any money,” she said feeling embarrassed, “only my credit card.”
“Hey…this is voluntary. I don’t expect everyone who comes here to put money in that or even bring in something as barter. Remember I told you my dream was to open something like this place. I’m just living my dream, everything else is serendipity,” Sonny hastened to reassure Lara as she opened the door.
“See you tomorrow?” Lara asked with bashful timidity stepping out and turning around to look at Sonny.
Sonny looked at Lara…it was a deep, intense gaze. “If you’re okay with it,” she said awkwardly, “can I walk you back home?”
“Huh?” Lara blinked, delight bubbling through her. She doesn’t want our time together to end either. It’s not just me. I’m not totally lame. “Would you?” her lips turned upwards curving into a radiant smile.
Sonny blinked at the radiance of Lara’s smile her eyes dropping to the perfect lips for a moment before she quickly looked up again and smiled, “I’d love to.” Their eyes held for longer than normal and a sincerity passed between them. An emotion galloping on a cresting wave. They walked out into the gathering dusk together.
******
The rotunda that held the town centre had seven paths radiating outwards like spokes of a wheel. Lara was staying up the path almost directly opposite pqrst. The air felt pregnant with unspoken words as they walked across the park in the centre in silence. Unconsciously, they moved closer and the backs of their hands brushed. Zap! Lara gasped softly as she felt a jolt of electricity running up her arm at the fleeting touch. She heard Sonny’s sharp intake of breath at the same time. Lara looked at Sonny from the corner of her eye and saw her shake her head as if it clear it.
The silence stretched like a bridge between the two of them, throbbing and pulsating with things unsaid. Words were demanding to dance across the bridge. But what were those words?
“How long have you lived here?” Lara asked, filling the silence.
Sonny had to clear her throat before answering “I bought this place almost thirteen years back but shifted here fully only six years ago. Initially I’d just come here whenever I could. I used to work in advertising and ages ago we had one of our photoshoots on this island. I rather fell in love with it then and bought that building. Of course, Kyse was way smaller and much cheaper then, which is why I could afford it,” she smiled deprecatingly. “You know how everyone says that they want to retire at forty?” Sonny turned to look at Lara who nodded. “I did that – only it happened at forty-six.”
“And you opened peakrest?” Every six steps…our hands are brushing every six steps and I feel a zap…all sorts of tingles each time.
“Peakrest…I think that is the best way to pronounce it, if we are going to have to,” Sonny flashed a quick smile. “No, I opened it about almost six months after I became a full time resident here.”
“Do you still do that? Take on projects?”
“Yeah. I’m an imaging and branding consultant and am lucky enough to still be considered relevant despite my age.”
“Sonny! That’s ageist. Don’t talk yourself down,” Lara chided.
“Lara, I am fifty-two.”
“Which is now considered as being in the prime of life.”
“That would make you a toddler,” Sonny teased.
“How old do you think I am?” Lara challenged.
“Twenty?” Sonny hazarded.
Lara threw her head back and laughed. A rich sound that wove a warmth around them creating a cocoon of intimacy in which they were the only two people who existed in the whole world. It was sexy and caressing. Sonny wished she could bottle the feeling the sound evoked. “I’m twenty-nine, Sonny,” she said catching Sonny’s eye.
“Yeah…young,” Sonny smiled back a little wanly, a shadow passing over her face.
Lara’s pace slowed down. She looked at Sonny with a burning intensity in her gaze. “Just like you don’t subscribe to genders, I don’t subscribe to the concept of age,” she said softly.
Sonny looked at her startled…and then, that look was surely longing. Lara’s world was filled with exceptionally good looking individuals. Everyone she knew and she met were obsessed with their looks. However, instead making Lara more appreciative of outer appearances that had made Lara totally discount looks. She ached to know the person behind personas – and the person that Sonny was, was making Lara’s heart beat faster.
“Are you happy, Sonny?” Lara blurted. This may or may not have been an appropriate question, but Lara already felt a closeness to Sonny. All evening Sonny had been open and had shared herself without any qualms – willingly, openly, completely. In her current stage in life, Lara felt that happiness was some sort of mirage. She was genuinely curious about that state.
“I’m content,” Sonny said thoughtfully.
“Is being content the same as happiness?”
“No, I don’t think so. Content is a state where I have no complaints. I am peaceful with what is. But happiness? I think that is still elusive.”
“So what will make you happy?”
For the first time in their conversation there was a pause. A lull. Lara looked at Sonny who was chewing the inside of her lip in thought. Lara sensed that Sonny was debating whether to answer this or not. What could suddenly be so private about this? She’s not hesitated with anything so far.
“You know, I had this ideal for happiness…I guess we all do,” Sonny said like she was articulating this thought, exposing this part of herself for the first time. “At some point in life I figured out that I wasn’t going to get the one thing that I needed to be truly happy. So I changed my goals and achieved that. An early retirement, this place, continuing lucrative projects – these were my goals when I decided to settle. So I am content. But there is something that I want very desperately which is buried so deep inside me that I don’t ever bring out even for myself to see it. Settling can give contentment, not happiness.”
Sonny answered Lara’s question completely but with such ambiguity that it wasn’t really an answer at all. Her vagueness told Lara that this was an uncomfortable topic. This part of herself was something that Sonny didn’t want to share – at least right now. Lara knew not to pursue this conversation any more.
“Here we are,” Lara said stopping. The house at which she stopped was absolutely gorgeous. It was built around the natural rocks and tree incorporating them into the structure itself. It was like the house was one with nature.
“Wow…but this one is not for rent.”
“No…Taylor is a friend.”
They faced each other a veil of uncertainty falling between them. They hadn’t been on a date, but it felt like it was the end of a date. And exceptionally good date. They barely knew each other, but they’d just spent almost six hours with each other with their connection building up to practically physically send sizzling threads between them. They looked at each other, eyes exchanging an intimacy.
Sonny gathered herself with an effort. “Okay, the
n…goodnight, Lara.”
Lara almost reached out to hug Sonny. Almost. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said softly.
With a last smile, Lara turned and walked away.
Aware that Sonny stood still watching her.
************
Lara was hiding. Hiding away from the world. Her world and life as she knew it had crashed and she was left burning. One wrong person, one wrong move and her career had been destroyed. At twenty-nine, she was finished. Thirteen years. Sixty movies. Eighteen awards, including five National Awards given by the Government of India. All finally meant nothing. Zilch.
Her career was over and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
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