Though technically she’d spent thirteen years in movies, it actually represented her whole life because she had spent all her life planning for it.
And now there was nothing. Lara didn’t know how to even begin processing it. She was stripped off a sense of self. She was floundering. She’d spent a couple of months struggling, fighting against the unravelling of her life…of her being…but she couldn’t stop the juggernaut that had simply flattened her.
Completely beaten and emotionally finished, Lara lived in a shell-shocked state for a few months before she decided she need to centre herself. For that she needed to find herself. She needed to discover who she was and what she wanted. For too long she was driven by her eight-year-old self and the dreams of that eight-year-old. She’d never stopped to take stock of who she was becoming. Of whether she had changed at all in the past twenty-one years.
Lara had never paused to breathe.
So, after wrapping up the last film she had on hand, Lara took off. For the first time in her life, she had time which she decided to invest in herself. Stripped off everything she knew, she set out to find her core.
She’d come to Kyse because it was remote and unknown. Taylor Blair, Lara’s favourite designer had become a dear friend over the years. Taylor had talked up a big game about the beauty of Kyse. When, for the first time in her life, Lara wanted complete solitude, she took up Taylor’s offer to use her house in Kyse indefinitely.
************
Lara was sitting on the bench facing pqrst by nine next morning. She’d found the door locked with a handwritten sign saying ‘Later Gator’ stuck on the inside with cello tape. She grinned at the quirkiness and parked herself on the bench. She’d not been able to get Sonny off her mind since they parted.
When she’d gotten up in the morning, the name ‘Sonny’ wafted through her mind bringing up a huge smile on her face. She’d thrown back the covers with a feeling of urgency to get dressed and go to pqrst. It didn’t matter that it was closed. She was happy just being here and looking at it.
Lara’d taken a little more care today. She was wearing a short orange summer dress with spaghetti straps and feminine black criss-cross sandals. She’d also applied minimal eye make-up and gloss. Her hair was set in an artfully messy ponytail. She didn’t want to think about what exactly she was doing or wanting to achieve by making herself look more attractive for Sonny – so she pushed those pesky thoughts away.
She crossed her legs and sat back wondering when Sonny would wake up or Vic turn up.
“Good morning,” the low-pitched voice poured into her ear gently massaging her soul. Lara felt a rush of weakness overpowering her limbs and butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she turned towards Sonny’s voice.
Sonny was leaning down, arms resting on the bench back, face just inches away from Lara. Lara felt an emotion unfurl within her. Instinctively, Lara starting leaning in towards Sonny. It was a split second when Lara leaned in, Sonny’s eyes darkened and widened – and then Sonny straightened with a smile for Lara.
“Hi,” Lara licked her suddenly dry lips. “I was wondering when your morning would dawn…you gave me the impression that you sleep in late.” Nice recovery.
“Usually,” Sonny came around the bench as Lara got up and they walked towards pqrst.
“So when is morning for you?”
“Around noon,” Sonny smirked.
“You’re up early today,” Lara observed. “Do you live down the same lane as me?” she asked referring to the fact that Sonny had obviously come down that path just now.
“No, I’d gone there for a walk,” Sonny seemed coyly awkward at this admission. Should I assume she went there for me? Lara’s heart jumped at the possibility.
“Hey Sonny,” Vic’s voice called out as Sonny reached to unlock the door to pqrst.
“You do realise that the term ‘See you later, alligator’ started in the 1950s,” right?” Sonny said by way of greeting.
“And your point is? Hiya, Lara.” Vic was dressed in an overly large khaki t-shirt that fell below her knees and laceless gingham red Converse sneakers. Her hair was rolled up into a tight bun on the top of her head.
“You wanna get the books?” Vic asked what was clearly a rhetorical question to Sonny. She was actually assigning the work. “I’ll vacuum.”
“How can I help?” Lara asked.
“Oh, wow! You’re gonna help too? Super. You get the dusting detail,” Vic giggled.
“Usually Vic and h…” Sonny paused and looked at Vic raising her eyebrows.
“They/them right now,” Vic grinned.
“Got it. Vic and their friends do all the cleaning up in the mornings. But since we’re here, looks like Vic has enrolled us,” Sonny explained to Lara. “But you don’t need to do this. Just get something to drink, grab a book if you want and chill.”
“But I want to help,” Lara protested. “I want to be a part of peakrest,” she said in a softer tone looking into Sonny’s eyes. Can she understand just what I am saying?
Sonny stared back.
“Less staring, more cleaning,” Vic interrupted smirking hugely. “Chop, chop,” she clapped her hands to get them moving.
******
“So is a morning walk your usual thing?” Lara asked sipping her kiwi smoothie.
Three teenagers had shown up and Sonny and Lara were excused from clean-up duties. They were now sitting in a quaint café off an arterial road in a tucked away cul-de-sac. They were sitting in the backyard patio seating of the café which had a glorious view of a towering hill close by which was partly covered with greenery and part huge rocks.
Sonny laughed softly. “Look at me, Lara. Does anything about me suggest healthy, athletic living?” Indeed, where Lara had chosen a fruit smoothie, Sonny had a tall grass of cold coffee topped with whipped cream and chocolate, two cheese croissants and a plate of hash browns.
“Then what was different about today?” Expensive dark designer shades covered half of Lara’s face, so she was sure her hopeful her expression was hidden.
Sonny lowered her head looking at her croissants with feigned interest to hide her face. She was quiet for a moment, buying time by biting into a croissant. “How’s your smoothie?” Sonny was clearly avoiding the question. She either can’t or won’t lie, Lara was relieved to realise this even though her question wasn’t answered. All her life, Lara had only met smooth talkers. Fake people. And Sonny was indescribably refreshing for her.
“Quite good, actually.”
“Do you have any plans for lunch?”
“No.” Okay…maybe dial down the eagerness in your voice.
“Would you like to go to a winery?”
“Are you asking me out?” with just a hint of flirtatious teasing, though her heart was floating.
“Umm…no…not like that…I just thought you might like it,” Sonny mumbled, inordinately awkward.
Lara gave a low laugh. “Ask me out, Sonny,” she said encouragingly with exaggerated earnestness. Sonny just got more awkward, shyness overtaking her expression, unable to make eye contact with Lara.
Lara was captivated by the by the dichotomy of someone so comfortable and confident…someone so zen…being so shy and so awkward in practically the blink of an eye. I do that to her? Wow!
Lara was used to people coming on to her. She was used to people being interested in her in the purely sexual way or an awed way, blinded by her celebrity. She could recognise signs of interest very quickly. She met thousands of people each week and while she was quick to recognise their interest and what type and level of interest they had in her. It was all only on the awareness and knowledge level for Lara. Those people and their interest slid off her without a blip.
But she’d never met anyone obviously interested in her not only in the sexual and physical way – though there was that too – but also in wanting to know her…her thoughts, ideas, interests, what made her tick…and at the same time so diffident about it. She found Sonny absolu
tely adorable.
“I’d love that,” Lara said relenting and letting Sonny off the hook.
“Awesome,” Sonny said, recovering. “I’ll check if Carlos is available.”
“Carlos?”
“He usually tends the garden at pqrst but drives me around whenever I need it.”
“You don’t drive?”
“Never learnt to. But I love cars…so, weirdly, I have cars but I don’t drive,” Sonny smiled.
Another adorable quirk. “I drive,” Lara informed.
“That’s great! So are you okay with driving us to the winery?”
“Sure. I’d love to be your driver if I can’t be your date,” Lara cracked up and after a pause Sonny joined her with amused chuckles.
Lara drank in the sound of their mixed laughter. She makes me feel comfortable like no one ever has. She looked at Sonny feeling a deep pull towards her and her heart fluttered – again. And uncomfortable in ways I am beginning to like and enjoy too much.
******
They decided to take Taylor’s baby blue Lamborghini Centenario Roadster, the limited edition car of which there were only forty in the world. A keen driver with a taste for fancy cars, Lara had been dying to take the car for a spin and this was the perfect opportunity.
“Sonny, what keeps you so zen?”
“I’ve reached a stage in life where I have no need to prove anything to anyone including myself. I have no need to give an opinion about anything to anyone. If someone says that two plus two equals a lima bean, I’d say, enjoy!” Sonny grinned.
“But we’ve been having a lot of discussions, sharing thoughts and opinions. I don’t see you shrugging off any of our conversations,” Lara looked at Sonny from the corner of her eyes. Please say I am special to you…because you are already very, very special to me.
Sonny turned her head and looked at Lara, her expression hidden by her shades. She licked her lower lip, unconsciously. “You’re different,” she said softly.
Should I push it or let it go for now? Is it too early to make her say something more? Will she say something or just clam up if I probe? Before Lara could decide, Sonny quickly changed the topic, “Would you like to go to Ithaca?”
“Odyssey of Odysseus?” Lara quirked a brow.
“Yes,” Sonny smiled, clearly impressed that Lara knew this.
“Where Penelope kept 108 suitors hanging for twenty years? Most definitely,” Lara smiled back.
“Day after tomorrow?”
“Are you asking me out this time?” Lara teased.
“Yes,” Sonny’s voice was low and husky.
Lara’s breath caught as she felt goosebumps rise on her arms and a shiver pass through her. She swallowed hard before speaking. “So do you have a Penelope of any gender waiting for you somewhere, Sonny?” Lara’s voice was slightly rough with uncharted emotions.
“No…and I’ve never had one,” Sonny’s voice was edged with sorrow.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“What exactly do you mean when you say you don’t subscribe to the concept of gender?”
Sonny paused gathering her thoughts, “You know, now there are so many terms of definition. And I think that’s a double-edged sword. On one hand it means that alternative genders and sexualities are being acknowledged but on the other hand, everyone is struggling even more to find a term for themselves.
“When I was young that wasn’t the case. Even homosexuality was barely being reluctantly acknowledged but was quite far from being accepted. During my teens I realised that I didn’t particularly feel like a girl or a guy. At different points in time – sometimes even during the same day – I wanted different things and wanted to be a different person.
“My only context was cisgender expectations. So at times I was a girl at other times I was a guy. In certain things I was female and male in other things. But most of the time I didn’t feel like any gender at all. I just was. So I started calling myself just a person because I couldn’t identify with any gender.
“I think now I’d have to find a label – maybe agender, gender fluid, non-binary, gender-queer – or some such thing, but no matter what the label, it boils down to just personhood. So when I say I don’t subscribe to genders, it means that I don’t feel any particular gender – I only feel like a person,” Sonny smiled at Lara, a smile of incomparable sweetness and innocence.
Lara bit her lip processing. “Can I ask you something even more personal?” Have you ever been with a woman? Are you attracted to me? Aware that she’d been asking Sonny a lot of questions, some rather personal and intimate, Lara quickly added, “You can tell me things are none of my business if you feel I am too inquisitive.”
“Is that what this is, Lara? Mere inquisitiveness?” Sonny’s voice held a note of an emotion Lara couldn’t define. Was it wistfulness?
Lara’s gaze faltered behind her shades at the very direct question. “No,” she said softly, huskily.
“What is it then?”
Lara let out a long breath through gently parted lips. She didn’t want to evade answering this. Sonny had been constantly open and upfront with Lara and she deserved it back.
“I am fascinated by you, Sonny,” Lara’s voice was breathy while she struggled to keep her eyes steadily forward. This admission made Lara feel unnervingly vulnerable and vulnerability was not something she’d ever dealt with. Regardless, she braved on. “I want to catch up with your whole life. I want to know you as well as you know yourself.” And maybe better than you know yourself. I want to know you dreams, fears and insecurities. I want to hold you and be your safe place; no, I want to be your place – for everything. Lara smiled nervously at Sonny shooting a quick glance at her to get a read on what Sonny felt about this.
“You’re probably the first person to say this or want this,” Sonny looked surprised and moved.
“Really?” Lara was shocked.
Perception is an interesting thing. When Lara looked at Sonny, she saw a magnificent person. A very attractive human being. Her face unmarked by time in its open expression of innocence and wonder. Twinkling eyes exuding warmth. A young soul embracing life. An agile mind with original thoughts. She didn’t have to overlook the age and weight factors because she just couldn’t see them in Sonny. It blew her that Sonny didn’t have people fighting to be with her. It saddened her. It elevated her for purely personal reasons – that she could have Sonny all to herself.
“We turn into that gate,” Sonny pointed. Lara turned…her question left for another time.
******
Anna, the little lady who was teaching knitting the first time Lara had gone to pqrst, and her husband, Cole owned the vineyard. Spread across about five acres, it was a more of a hobby place than a serious commercial winery though they did have a small shop in which they stocked wine, including some of theirs and a variety of other souvenirs.
The couple was ecstatic to see Sonny. “It’s taken you endless years to come back here,” Cole said, enveloping Sonny in a bear hug while Anna hugged Lara in welcome. “But you’ve come on a good day,” Anna added, “the family is all here.”
The place was bustling with people of all ages. Everyone was in great spirits and there were a gaggle of kids milling around, playing. The family meant their seven children with their spouses and children, Anna’s twelve siblings with their children plus spouses and grandchildren, and Cole’s seven siblings with their gangs. Plus extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins and their progeny. It was a huge crowd.
“Are you okay with the crowd,” Sonny asked Lara in an undertone with concern.
“Absolutely,” Lara replied with a huge smile.
Most of the family Sonny and made Lara feel welcome and before they knew it they were enveloped in the activities. Lara jumped into playing with the kids while Sonny was still catching up with everyone.
It was boisterous and thoroughly enjoyable.
******
“You really enjoy
people, don’t you,” Sonny asked Lara as they strolled through the winery. It was almost three in the afternoon after a long-winded buffet lunch and everyone had slowed down a little with many catching an afternoon siesta.
Lara’d had a whale of a time with people of all genders and ages. She’d thrown herself into the moment. She’d played with the kids, helped in the kitchen and with cleaning, danced with the group and become a part of all the madness without any inhibitions. She’d been magnetic.
Finally Sonny had offered to show Lara around the vineyard and the olive garden and they were strolling around.
“This group, definitely. I’m cool with crowds but I’ve not enjoyed myself so much ever.”
Breathless Page 3