Breathless

by Sarah Sanders

  ******

  Lara spent the day in restless, fearful anticipation. Was she stupid to have asked Sonny to read up about her? Know everything possible out in public domain about her?

  Sonny had become important to Lara. Very important.

  Sonny had embraced Lara with an open guilelessness and Lara felt compelled to return that honest with complete honesty herself. It was therefore of utmost importance that Sonny know everything about her. It was important, but was it smart?

  Being under intense scrutiny of billions of people 24x7 had made Lara an extremely private person. There was so much speculation about her all the time. And honestly, there was so much she had done that she didn’t care to share. The fewer the people who knew about her, the safer she felt. But Sonny was different for her.

  In a life pock-marked with endless hook-ups, link-ups, relationships and more, Lara had never felt any real attraction for anyone. She’d measured and weighed everything in the scales of the advancement of her career. She’d been obsessed by her ambition and created a life of running in a hamster’s wheel. There had always been the next role, a better role, a bigger budget movie, a more important production, another award, higher fees, increasing her fan base…always one more milestone to conquer.

  Ambition is a thirsty, bottomless well and Lara had been feeling unfulfilled by the life she led and disillusioned by the people that peopled her life for the past few years. But she didn’t know how to stop. It was like her identity was only defined by her fame. She’d been growing increasingly dissatisfied with it all.

  Lara had found a new need growing in her in the past few years…a need to be seen, to be accepted, to be love for herself. She wanted to know who she was when stripped off the trappings of celebrity. And she wanted to be seen as only that stripped-bare person. But if she didn’t quite know who she was, how could anyone else know her. Caught as she was in the life she had created, she didn’t know how to stop. She didn’t know how to step off the dizzying wheel that went nowhere that her life had become.

  Sonny was the first person with whom Lara was that stripped-off person. She was discovering as much about herself as Sonny was. With Sonny and her unquestioning acceptance of the person in that moment, Lara had the freedom to breathe. To be.

  She’d been in Kyse for three weeks holed up in Tay’s stupendous house meditating, reading, swimming, exercising…just centring herself. She’d realised that the goals set by her eight-year-old self were no longer what she wanted. That fame was hollow to her. She wanted more than the fluorescent, spot-lit but eventually superficial and cardboard life that she had now.

  She was in constant touch with her team and less frequently with her family. But she was mostly alone, searching and introspecting. The change of place and pace was something she’d never realised that she desperately needed.

  In those three weeks she felt less like roadkill. When she was no longer a complete wreck she ventured out and magically met Sonny the same day. Lara’s alone time had made her feel able to continue existing but meeting Sonny made her become who she was meant to be.

  Sonny. What must she be thinking about me?

  Lara was self-aware and knew who and what she’d been. She didn’t make excuses to herself for any actions she’d taken. She took full responsibility and ownership of her choices. She’d done what she had because of who she was then. But that was no longer who she was. Could Sonny go beyond her past persona now? She knew Sonny connected with the person she was now in a dramatic way.

  Was she meaningful enough for Sonny to choose to deal with her celebrity? And even more, with her notoriety? Handling one of those was difficult enough, but both? May just prove to be too rich a combination. Especially since Sonny had chosen retirement and quietude fairly early in her life.

  Fear gnawed at Lara all through the day. There was nothing she wanted more than to see if that growing connection and those sparks with Sonny led anywhere. But realistically, she knew that she had to prepare herself for Sonny to turn up at seven and politely but firmly bow out of her life. The thought of not knowing Sonny anymore scared Lara.

  ******

  At five minutes to seven, the bell rang and Lara rushed to the door. A massive amorphous bouquet made up of every kind of flower in every colour awaited her. Instead of being carefully arranged, the flowers were thrown together randomly and the bouquet gained a stunning beauty because of its wilderness.

  Lara accepted the delivery and opened the accompanying card. The message was written in flowing cursive: The piece of this world that you are holding in your hands is spectacular because of all the colours, shapes and smells it has. Because of ALL of them together…

  Lara felt a wobbly. This message was unreserved, non-judgemental, unconditional acceptance of her. She felt her eyes getting damp as she read the message again and buried her face into the soft flowers.

  A soft tap against the door jamb. Lara looked up. Sonny was standing at the door, an expression of calm, overflowing warmth in her endless eyes.

  “Sonny,” she breathed.

  Sonny smiled at her a tad uncertainly as if wondering whether Lara would let her in.

  “Can I take the flowers?” a slim, dark young man with a goatee appeared out of nowhere by Lara’s side.

  “Put them in my bedroom,” Lara instructed, not taking her eyes away from Sonny.

  “I’ll put them in vases.”

  “Okay…and Sam, don’t sort them or arrange them in any way,” Lara continued to hold Sonny’s gaze unblinkingly.

  She handed the flowers over and took a step towards Sonny. “Hi,” she said softly in a damp voice, feeling weighed down by emotion.

  “Hi,” Sonny replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “For you,” she held out a long white florist’s box which Lara hadn’t seen her holding. The box held a single pristine white lily.

  “Thank you,” Lara was thanking Sonny for much more than the flower she held as she stared into Sonny’s eyes with a tumultuous intensity, searching…looking brittle. She took the box from Sonny’s hand and stepped closer getting into Sonny’s space.

  Sonny held the gaze unflinchingly. Her heart broke a little for the young woman who had already achieved so much in her life and yet stood here in front of her practically pleading acceptance. Her heart felt weighed down by Lara’s fragility. All she wanted to do was envelope her in a safe, warm place where no viciousness would touch her. Right now she looked like a whiff would break her. Sonny was humbled by how much stock Lara had placed in her reaction to everything written about her in the world. She raised her hand and gently cupped the side of Lara’s face, running her thumb along the soft cheek.

  The box fell from Lara’s hands as unbidden tears ran down her face at the gentle touch. Her arms snaked around Sonny’s waist, bunching the back of her shirt in desperate fists as she buried her face into Sonny’s shoulder heaving silent sobs that felt like they’d never end. Sonny wrapped her arms around Lara’s waist and drew her closer, simply holding her and allowing her to let all the pent-up emotion out.

  The sobs finally subsided into sniffles. “Did you read everything?” Lara asked in a small, trembling voice.

  “I had to skip repetitions,” Sonny smiled into Lara’s hair.

  “Everything?” Lara asked again.

  “The good, the bad, the ugly,” Sonny confirmed.

  “And you’re still here,” Lara whispered almost inaudibly.

  “I told you nothing would change,” …steadfastly.

  Lara unfisted her hands, unconsciously smoothing her palms across Sonny’s back, creating streaks of heat in Sonny. Sonny moved slightly introducing a discreet distance between them, making Lara’s movements stop. She looked into the exquisite face, smiling slightly at the swollen, red-eyed hauntingly young look in the eyes, a dull grey-green today. She pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket.

  “You carry handkerchiefs?” Lara’s looked utterly charmed by this long-lost habit, lips curving upwards slowly.

/>   “Always carry a towel in space and a handkerchief on Earth,” Sonny said solemnly, eyes sparkling.

  “So you hitchhike in the galaxy too?” Lara gladly took the line Sonny had thrown out to move from the emotionally-charged moment eagerly grabbing the obscure reference to one of her favourite books.

  “No one ever mentioned how smart and well-read you are,” Sonny twinkled at her. “So are you going to let me take you out now or am I going to have to improvise and create a date on you doorstep?” Sonny teased.

  “Ohmygod, I’m sorry,” Lara blushed, stepping back, “Please come in,” she paused, bent down to pick up the box with the lily, straightened and added, “actually, I’m not.”

  “You’re not what?”

  “Sorry,” she smiled softly.

  “Good…I’m glad,” Sonny said equally softly.

  “Will you mind it very badly if we don’t go out?” Lara looked over her shoulder as she led Sonny in.

  “Are you hijacking my date?” Sonny said playfully.

  Lara loved the fact that the knowledge about her celebrity didn’t change how Sonny behaved with her or treated her. Sonny didn’t suddenly get the distance, hesitancy, feigned arrogance or that obvious struggle to be equal – all reactions that Lara’s fame usually inspired in people. Sonny didn’t feel the need to tread on eggshells around Lara in deference to her celebrity status. Sonny was the same with her as before. Lara was still the same person to her. Nothing Sonny could have said or done would’ve reassured Lara of her acceptance of Lara as a person than not letting the stuff she’d read impact her approach or change their interaction.

  “I have a cook,” Lara grinned presenting an argument that couldn’t be countered, especially when accompanied by that winsome smile.

  ******

  Muthu and Shyam (called Matt and Sam to accommodate non-Indian pronunciations) whipped up an absolutely amazing dinner for Sonny. Lara stuck to a chickpea salad and smoothie. “I’m always on a diet,” she’d said smiling self-deprecatingly, “I’m not even sure I know how to eat anymore,” her laughter tinkled.

  They kept the conversation personal, but light. Sonny asked Lara about the favourite roles and characters she’d played, movies she’d liked to have done and Lara enthusiastically took Sonny through a detailed journey of her work. She added intensely personal titbits like which parts of the characters she’d played resonated with her, what she had learnt from the people she portrayed on screen, humorous and harrowing incidents that occurred on set, while shooting or performing stunts.

  The conversation was a flimsy cover over mutual awareness bubbling between them hidden in overly careful gestures to ensure no accidental touches, darkening eyes and coiled heat.

  After dinner, they retired to a room that could be probably be called a parlour or a conservatory. Three walls of the enclosure plus the roof were made of glass and all the natural elements – rocks, shrubs, trees – were left intact. The immensely comfortable furniture was cleverly designed to harmoniously meld into nature. The lighting was indirect and subtle with yellow and green lights.

  Lara and Sonny sat on opposite ends of a plush two-seater sofa as they sipped rosé champagne. Sonny extended her legs on an ottoman in front of her and Lara rested her back on the arm and sat facing Sonny. Sonny stared straight ahead into nothingness while Lara stared at Sonny. The air between them was heavy with unspoken words and untameable yearning.

  A crack of lightening in the sky heralded an unseasonal downpour creating deeper intimacy of the moment. Tentatively Lara stretched her arm along the back of the sofa wanting to run her fingers through Sonny’s hair, but stopping barely short of it.

  “Sonny,” she said huskily and paused waiting for Sonny to turn towards her, “It’s all true,” she whispered.

  “Everything?” Sonny asked, not needing to clarify what Lara was referring to.

  “Well…I’ve not had any plastic surgery done. No nose, chin, lips, eyes, breast jobs. Not had Botox injections. No liposuction. No skin lightening…” Lara trailed off.

  Sonny looked at her steadily.

  “But I’m sure that is not what you’re wondering about the most, right?” Lara took a sip of her champagne.

  “Lara, I honestly don’t know what to say,” Sonny said a little helplessly.

  “You’re too cultured to ask,” Lara smiled. Folding her arm along the sofa back, she rested her head on her palm and heaved a huge sigh. “Let me just tell you. Everything else is true. I have slept around for my career…for roles…for movies…to get on the good side of heroes, financers, producers…for publicity. I’ve led people on and had very public relationships which I fully continued physically and sexually in private. I have had one-night stands to meet my own ends and goals. I have had affairs and used men whenever I needed a publicity boost. All that is true, Sonny.”

  Lara searched Sonny’s face for judgement or revulsion. Or at least disillusionment. She only found patient gentleness. “I can’t claim extenuating circumstances for what I’ve done. I made those choices. The ownership of everything I did is on me. I was driven by ambition,” Lara’s voice was soft but uncompromisingly firm. “And I can’t even say I am ashamed of the things I’ve done because that was who I was then.” She paused looking at Sonny intently. “I’ve forgiven and accepted myself, Sonny,” she continued softly, “But I’m not that person any more. I wouldn’t make the same choices today.” Lara’s eyes begged acceptance.

  Sonny shifted mirroring Lara’s pose so that they faced each other. She bit the inner side of her lower lip wishing she could find the ability to ask Lara more about her involvements – importantly just how emotionally involved she had been. Whether she was still emotionally invested or interlocked with anyone. But she couldn’t. She looked away wishing for words because clearly Lara was laying herself completely bare.

  “Sonny,” Lara’s voice gentled, “I’ve never been emotionally involved with anyone.” It was as if Lara could read Sonny’s thoughts. “I used sex as a tool. I’ve used my body and allowed others to use it. I never knew that a deep compulsion to touch another person could come from every cell within me…I didn’t know that I could hunger for someone to touch me because it would make me feel complete.” Sonny looked up at her, startled. Lara slid closer, leaving just an inch between them. “I had no clue what it meant to be attracted to someone.” I had no concept of how my heart could race at the sight of someone. How my stomach could clench with want. How physical connection would be a necessary manifestation for me to express my emotions. “Can you believe me, Sonny?” Lara’s voice trembled.

  Sonny swallowed and nodded. “Any women?” she rasped. Lara bit her lip and shook her head.

  “Have you ever been even interested in another woman?” Sonny wondered if she was just an experiment.

  “I’ve not even been interested in any man. I’ve had no interest in or attraction towards any human,” Lara supplied. “Until now,” she whispered.

  A streak of lightening lit up Lara’s eyes, now gone stormy grey and dark. She leaned slightly forward towards Sonny. “Will you kiss me, Sonny?”

  “I don’t think I can,” Sonny murmured.

  “Is it because I’m a celebrity or because I’ve been a manipulative slut?” Lara asked, hurt creeping into her voice. So Sonny has not accepted me. So much for complete honesty. Sonny’s eyes were dark with desire so it wasn’t that she didn’t want Lara. Any other reason meant that Sonny was rejecting her. The thought shattered Lara.

  “Neither,” Sonny said in a small voice.

  “Are you ace?” Lara asked, struggling to grapple with this devastating rejection. Lara asked this despite knowing it wasn’t the case. She’d seen the way Sonny looked at her in unguarded moments. That look was sometimes potent enough to make Lara come.

  “No, I’m not asexual.”

  “Talk to me, Sonny…what is it?” Lara asked tenderly, cupping Sonny’s face between gentle hands.

  “I don’t think I know how to kiss,”
Sonny mumbled.

  Lara’s heart clenched and a warmth settled in her chest at this mumbled admission. She ran a finger along the side of Sonny’s face, “Do you want to?” she asked gently.

  “So badly,” Sonny looked down again, embarrassed.

  “Look at me, Sonny.”

  Lara looked into Sonny’s eyes with an intensity that could melt rocks, flickers of flame dancing in them. “I don’t have much experience at kissing either, but I know this – there is no right or wrong way,” she whispered, her breath washing over Sonny’s mouth; and then she softly placed her lips on Sonny’s.

  ******

  U -- v

  Lara moved her lips against Sonny’s caressing them, creating a smooth movement that sent tingles from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She kissed Sonny’s lips and then pressed their lips together closer. She slowly traced Sonny’s lips with the tip of her tongue and smiled when she heard Sonny draw in a huge breath. Definitely not ace.