Falling into Forever (Falling into You)

by Lauren Abrams

  “He sounds like a very smart man. And maybe even an obstinate one.” He stands up and does a little bow for her, which takes some of the tension out of the moment. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Grace.”

  “You too, Chris.”

  “Come on, ladybug. Let’s get to bed.”

  Grace protests all the way up the stairs.

  “Mommy, I want to stay up to play with the grown-ups. I am four. Four.”

  “There will be plenty of time for you to play with the grown ups. Just not right now. Not yet.”

  I expect a battle, but the drive from Chicago has worn her out and she’s practically sleeping as I ease her into pajamas and pull the covers up to her chin.

  “Kisses?”

  She kisses both of my cheeks, all over. I cover her with a few of my own and by the time I’ve gotten enough of staring at how absolutely beautiful she is, she’s drifted off into sleep.

  I catch the door softly as I exit and make my way down the stairs slowly. Even though I’ve had a long time to think about what needs to be said, I still don’t have any way of saying it. When I get to the kitchen, I see him barefoot, wiping down the table with a sponge from the sink. Even domesticity looks good on him. Damn it. Again.

  He gives me a soft smile before taking the last plate from the table and placing it in the dishwasher.

  “She’s a great kid.”

  “She is. I think I’ll keep her.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Hals? There was certainly time, even amidst platonic and not so platonic trysts, for you to tell me about the most important person in your life. I can only assume that you didn’t want me to know.”

  I pick up the sponge and scrub at the nonexistent crumbs on the counter before letting out a long sigh and turning around to stare into his face.

  “I couldn’t figure out a good way to tell you.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Fine. I couldn’t figure out if this, you and me, was real or not.”

  He crosses to me and places a hand on my arm, a fierce look in his eyes. “Really, Hals? You couldn’t figure out if you and I were real? I call bullshit on that one, too.”

  I hear a soft moan from upstairs and I shake my head and put a finger to my lips. “We can’t wake her. Come into the living room.”

  He promptly shuts his mouth and lets me lead him down the stairs into the living room. He draws in a breath as he takes in the full-length windows that look out over the garden and the warmth of the room. I’ve never been much of a decorator, but I’m proud of this room, with its cool blues and overstuffed couches.

  “This is beautiful.”

  “Yeah. It’s pretty good, isn’t it?”

  He settles onto one of the couches and leans back with a contented sigh. “I almost forgot that couches were made for people to sit on.”

  I give him a puzzled look. “What?”

  “Never mind. Just something Marcus said once.” He fixes his gaze on me again. “Time’s up, though. Answer the question. Why didn’t you tell me that you had a daughter?”

  I consider taking the seat next to him, but I think that would be a very bad idea, indeed, so I decide on one of the armchairs instead.

  “I don’t know, really. I think I was afraid of mixing my two worlds. Being with you was like being the better version of my old self, before I got all sad and post-traumatic stress-disordery. I was afraid that telling you about Grace would break the spell. I was afraid that letting you infringe on my real life would make me wake up from the dream.”

  He searches my face. “Because I’m not part of your real world, right?”

  “I don’t know. Are you?” I stare back at him. “Chris, New York was an aberration. I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again. I thought it was just a one-time thing, you know. A way to rewrite history, to forget all of the terrible history between the two of us, a way to end things with something good. I thought that would be it. You would go off to your life and I would go off to mine. And then I saw you in Chicago…”

  He cuts me off.

  “You cannot be that blind.”

  “We didn’t even know each other anymore. We don’t know each other now, Chris.”

  “Bullshit again. You know me better than anyone ever has, and you always will, whether you want to or not. And whether you want me to or not, I do know you.”

  “There’s too much terrible history here for a future to make any kind of sense.”

  “I don’t believe that, and I don’t think you do, either.”

  A single tear falls from my one of my eyes. He makes a movement to get up from the couch but I hold my hand out to stop him.

  “No.”

  “What happened to us, Hals? What’s so terrible that it can’t be fixed?”

  “I think there’s a long answer and a short answer. Which one do you want?”

  “Both. Short, then long.”

  “We had the fight to end all fights. We both said some things that I don’t know if it’s ever possible to recover from. The kinds of things that make your stomach sick when you think about them, even seven years later. I called you a…”

  “I know what you called me. I know what I called you. I didn’t mean it, Hals. It was the alcohol talking. You were never a fame-monger.”

  I wince, because the words still hurt, even after all these years.

  “Or a gold-digging prude?”

  It’s his turn to wince.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “There were grains of truth there. I lost myself. I lost everything about the person I wanted to be, everything I once wanted for myself. I became so wrapped up in you that I forgot that there were things that existed outside of you. And while I would contend that fame-mongering was never really in my grand plan for myself, and personally, I think the statement was a little unfair, what you said would never have had the power to get to me if there wasn’t some truth there.”

  He stands up and takes a step towards me. There’s never been a man who moved so well. I shake my head, because his nearness is too intoxicating and I need a clear head.

  “No, we’re not done yet, Chris. You said you wanted the long version.”

  He sighs and takes a step back from me. “As you wish.”

  “We were eighteen years old.”

  “So?”

  “So, what do you know about life when you’re eighteen? The rest of your life is nothing but a bunch of big beautiful tomorrows. There’s always time for a vacation in Bali, time to decide that you want to become a rocket scientist. Nothing is out of reach. Hangovers are something that old people get, for chrissakes.”

  That manages to elicit a small smile. “There are still a bunch of big, beautiful tomorrows.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “No, I don’t know that. But I can hope for that. It’s better than wanting to crawl into a hole and die alone, without ever having to risk your heart again. Smart, Hallie, really smart.”

  “I’m not afraid of the risk. Not anymore, at least.”

  I take a deep breath and give him my last secret, the one I’ve kept locked away.

  “I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for you. I wasn’t good enough for Ben. Here both of you are, in possession of these incredibly talented, prodigious minds, great minds who are brave enough and bold enough to share themselves with the world, and here I am, just some girl who managed to have enough good fortune to grab some coattails to hang onto. I’m nobody special. I’m not meant for the bright lights and the cameras capturing every move I make. I mean, I fall down. A lot. Do you know how many pictures they would get of me falling down? Instead of Chris Jensen: Lothario, they could have Hallie Caldwell: Klutz. I live in flip flops. Heels are some gigantic mystery that I’ll never be able to figure out. But it’s more than that.”

  He’s staring at me like I really have lost my mind. I look directly into his eyes and try once more.

  “Here’s the thing, Chris. I’m never going to be the best
painter, or the best screenwriter, or the best candy wrapper sculpture maker. A perfect day for me is sitting in my little cabin and reading books to my daughter as she falls asleep. But that’s not enough for you, and it never will be. You happened to be destined for greatness and I came along for a little while and it was fun, but it wasn’t me. I’m a pretty simple girl, and your life is too big for me.”

  Chapter 24

  CHRIS

  I want to laugh it off, to tell her that the thought that she wouldn’t be enough for me is a preposterous notion, but her solemn expression and the fat tears rolling down her face stop me from dismissing her words entirely.

  “Hals, you once told me that maybe the world would be a better place if there were more people who wanted to be good and fewer people who wanted to be great. Do you remember that?”

  “And you said that it was all nothing but a bunch of foolish talk.”

  “I was wrong. You were right.”

  “Oh, come on.”

  “You were. And that’s what I want—a chance to be good, not great. That’s only going to happen if I’m with you.”

  I kneel down next to the chair and take her chin in my hand and force her to look at me.

  “Hallie Caldwell Ellison, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You managed to keep yourself together while the rest of the world fell apart around you. It takes more guts to wake up every day and do that than it does to write any stupid book or play a part in any stupid movie.”

  “Bullshit.” She looks up and gives me a small smile. “I call bullshit on that.”

  “Nope. Besides that, by your definition, all of our lives are small. The fact that people are willing to pay to see me pretend to be someone else for a couple of hours doesn’t make the important things any different.”

  “That’s a ridiculous statement. You…you fly around on private jets and take meetings with people who make more money in one second than most people will ever see in their lifetimes. Everyone knows your face and your name. Everything you do is on the front page of some magazine for people to read. You can’t tell me that having a dedicated team of paparazzi makes you a normal person.”

  “I didn’t say that that I was a normal person. There are no normal people. What I said was that my life, not my job, not the fact that I happen to make movies for a living, but the life I want to lead, is small. I want to make the people that I love most happy. If you want to call that small, go right ahead, but I don’t agree with you. That’s the biggest kind of life I can imagine. And I cannot imagine a life without you in it.”

  “It’s too much. I can’t even think about…”

  She’s retreating back into herself again, inching further away from me and sinking into the chair. Shit. It’s time to pull out a joke. Hallie likes jokes.

  “By the way, I’m not letting you get away with the greatness thing. I mean, did you see Breakdown? Anyone who’s seen Breakdown has to admit that there’s no chance that I was ever destined for greatness. Maybe professional bird calling, though. Do you think I need to go to school for that? Is there such a thing as a professional bird calling school?”

  There’s a subtle loosening of her muscles and a miniscule change in her face that just might be the beginning of a smile.

  “No, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a professional bird calling school. I could be totally wrong, though. You never know.”

  “I’m sure there has to be at least a certification I can get from the internet.”

  “I’m sure there is. But I don’t think you would make a very good bird caller, Chris. You’re a movie star.”

  “I don’t have to be.”

  “Yes, you do. You have to make Rage. There’s no one else I would trust with it but you. It’s more important than you or me or anything else.”

  “So, I have to make Rage. But that will be it. No more movies. Just as long as you give me one chance. One shot. That’s all I want, Hals.”

  She gives me a beseeching look before moving across the room to stare out into the blackness of the night.

  “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You were born to make movies, Chris. It’s so much a part of you that I can’t imagine it being any other way. I love the way you tell stories. It’s a wonderful gift, and I wouldn’t ever want you to give that up. Not for anyone and certainly not for me.”

  “I would, you know.”

  “I know that you would.”

  “I would do anything for you.”

  She’s still not looking at me, but something in the air, between the two of us, changes, and then her voice cuts through the silence and she spins around to face me, her enormous blue eyes filled with questions.

  “Are you sure, Chris? I mean, really, really, really sure? I have a four year old daughter, and neither she nor I can just make decisions based on some whim. If you haven’t thought about that, if you aren’t totally, one thousand percent positive that being with me is what you want, then you need to just walk out that door and go. Now. Because if you want me, if you want to make a life with Grace and me, it’s not going to be easy.”

  She looks so fragile that I resist the urge to run across the room and throw her into my arms.

  “I love you, Hals. I’ve always loved you. I will never stop loving you. And if you’re actually saying what I think you’re saying, I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life making you and Grace absolutely, perfectly happy.”

  I see the smile start to spread across her face, starting at her lips and reaching her eyes. She’s still uncertain, but I open my arms and she flies across the room and into them. I lift her up and draw her in for a long kiss. She manages to free herself after a long moment and she stares at me with huge eyes.

  “Hallie, I…”

  “Stop.” Her smile grows wider and I run my fingers through her tangled curls, not knowing why she wants me to stop but not really caring, either, because every question I ever wanted to ask already has its answer in the way her body fits perfectly against mine. She pulls back and frees herself from my arms and stares deeply into me.

  “You always get to talk first. It’s my turn. I love you. I love you so much that it makes my head spin and it makes me want to scream and it makes me want to stay with you, like this, forever. Just like this. I think I probably fell in love with you the second I saw you on that goddamn balcony and don’t tell me that I’m remembering it all wrong, that it was actually the diner or the park or the apartment, because I think I had to have known the moment that I saw your face for the first time, Chris Jensen. And I will always love you. And I wasn’t sure if it was going to be enough, but I’ve sat in enough hotel rooms trying to figure out how I was going to survive you again to know that my only answer to the question is that I can’t survive you again. I love you. I love you.”

  She says it all in one long breath, and I can’t keep the enormous, shit-eating grin off my face.

  “Hallie Caldwell, I plan to spend the rest of my life loving you. And making mistakes. And fixing them. I love you and I will keep loving you forever.”

  I lean down and kiss her soft lips. I still can’t quite convince myself that this isn’t some kind of incredibly realistic dream. When she eventually pulls away, she looks up at me with a little contented smile.

  “So, man with the plan, what do we do now?”

  “I may have a few ideas.”

  “There also may be a curious four year old just waiting to pounce on me any second now, so your ideas might just have to wait.”

  I groan. “Seriously, Hals?”

  “Seriously. Get used to it. Also, if she decides tomorrow that she doesn’t like you, I’m kicking you out.”

  “I think I would be more worried about her deciding that she doesn’t like you anymore. Give it a week, and she’ll be eating right out of my hand. If you don’t believe me, I’ll let my nephews do the vouching. According to the pair of them, I’m the coolest uncle ever. You’re so not ready for this action.”r />
  “Diana! How is she? I can’t wait to see her. It’s been too long.”

  “To say that she’ll be thrilled to see you is a serious understatement. I stopped calling her every day because she never manages to get off the phone without getting in a little dig about how her idiot brother was a jackass and lost the best thing to ever happen to him. I’m surprised she hasn’t disowned me.”

  “Is she still in New York?”

  “Yeah.”

  She makes a face. “I hate New York. But I love you so much that in my totally mixed-up crazy state, I even had the bright idea of dragging Grace along with me to New York so that I could find you.”

  “Why not? Come to New York, I mean.”

  “Um, because the entire celebrity press corps is probably camped out in front of your apartment? Can you even imagine what it would be like if the three of us showed up there, bags in hand?”

  “We’re going to have to deal with that sooner or later, but it doesn’t matter anyways, because I have another apartment. Come on. New York. The big city. I bet Grace would love it.”

  “I hate New York.”

  “You do not. You’re just saying that. Give me five days, Hals. I’ll show you around my New York.”

  “I’ve heard that one before.”

  We both smile. I run my finger down her cheek, wiping away the last remnants of wetness.

  “I’m serious. Five days, with you and Grace in New York. I’ll pull out all of my creepy disguises and you two can pick the best one for me to wander around the city in.”

  “I’m still not sure if taking my daughter to one of our infamous rendezvous sites is the best plan right now. That’s what they’re saying, right? That I’m a giant slut who cheated on my husband with you?”

  “I take that to mean that you haven’t seen the stories?”

  She shakes her head, and I cover her hand with mine.

  “Don’t read them. Just don’t.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it. I know. We could go to Vancouver and check out some of the Rage locations. I like Vancouver. Don’t you like Vancouver?”

  I do happen to like Vancouver, but I am a man with a plan, as she put it, and my plan for what happens next requires her and me, and Grace, in New York.