Beauty and Dread

by Nicki Huntsman Smith

  “Do you think he’ll come back?” Jessie’s enormous eyes glistened with tears. She had let her spoon fall into the oatmeal in front of her.

  Amelia had already cried herself out. She felt as dry as the dead corn husks in the fallow fields outside of town. She knew last week that he had passed, but of course had hidden that knowledge from her adopted family. She felt the loss in the night seven days ago. His presence, his spirit, the essence of who he was had been so strong that the black hole of its absence had fluttered her scythen. Tung felt it too. They had shared their anguish in a night-long vigil together, remembering Thoozy’s contributions to their people, laughing at his jokes told in any number of languages, and marveling at the wisdom that was even more ancient than their own.

  “No, child, I don’t think he’ll be back. He was very old. I guess it was just his time.”

  Jessie nodded, the movement spilling more tears onto the damp cheeks.

  “I really miss him.”

  “I do too.”

  Maddie was weeping now too. Pablo squeezed her hand.

  “It’s sad that he’s gone, but at least he doesn’t feel pain any longer,” Pablo said. “You know old people have a lot of aches and pains. Now he doesn’t have to feel all that. When a young person dies, it’s tragic, but when an old person dies, it’s natural. It’s just part of living.”

  “The end part,” Jessie whispered.

  Pablo smiled. “Yes, the end part. I have an idea. We could write another song...one for Thoozy. Like when we wrote Arizona in the Rearview Mirror. What do you think?”

  The child nodded. “I think he would like that. Don’t you Amelia?”

  “Yes, I’m certain of it.”

  “So they still haven’t found the, uh, remains?” Pablo asked.

  “No. Just the puddle of blood on the street a block or so from Steven’s house.”

  Pablo nodded. “A wild animal then, I’m guessing. We’ve been seeing more coyotes lately. And even though Steven claims mountain lions have been extinct in Kansas for a long time, I swear we saw one in Great Bend that day we found all the hominy. Maybe they’re expanding their territory now that so few humans are left to run them off.”

  “Perhaps,” Amelia replied looking down at her bowl.

  “You need to be more careful then,” Maddie said.

  “I’m always careful, my love.” He kissed her cheek.

  She wiped the tears from her face with a dishtowel, took a deep, quivering breath and said, “We’re going to have a baby.”

  Pablo sat motionless, allowing Maddie’s words to fully register. Then he leaped from the breakfast table, knocking over a kitchen chair in the process. He scooped her into his arms and swung her around in circles.

  “Stop! I’m going to puke!”

  He gave one more whoop of joy, then set her back down.

  “When? How far along are we?”

  “We think the due date will be in May,” she said. Her freckled ivory skin had a greenish cast now. “Ugh, I hope I don’t throw up all that oatmeal. That would be wasteful.” She swallowed quickly several times.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie. I’m just so happy!” He looked at Amelia and Jessie. “You both knew?”

  Two braided heads nodded in unison.

  “Why am I the last to find out? Oh, never mind. It doesn’t matter. What will we call her? Or him?”

  “We can have that discussion when my stomach settles down.”

  “Amelia, you’ve examined her? Everything is normal?”

  “Yes, everything appears as it should.”

  “Our world is so primitive now. What if there’s a problem? Does she need a special diet? Will she be able to deliver without medication for the pain? What if she needs a C-section or the baby is breach? She’s so slender! What if it won’t come out on its own?”

  He was beginning to hyperventilate.

  “Pablo, get a grip. This is why I haven’t told you before now. Take deep breaths and put your head between your legs. There you go. In through the nose, out through the mouth.”

  Maddie and Amelia exchanged smiles across the table as they watched him struggle to control his panic attack.

  “You’re amazing,” she continued. “Every day you go out there in that scary world and you deal with all kinds of dangerous situations. You stay calm. You evaluate your environment and make smart decisions. You bring back food and supplies that keep this town afloat, and you never get freaked out or even flustered. Why can’t you do that with me? You lose your s-h-i-t when it comes to me.”

  He lifted his head, his face flushed from the gravity of blood flow.

  “It’s because if something happened to you, I couldn’t go on. I lost you once. I thought you were dead back at that Walgreens store. We weren’t even a couple then. We were just friends and I barely managed to survive it. Then I almost lost you again when that happened.” He touched the place in her short hair where the scar was fading more every day. “I couldn’t bear it. It would kill me.”

  “It’s imperative that you live. You have a child. Our child. You must keep yourself safe so you can be a father. It will be the most important job you’ve ever had. Now stop being a damn girl. Everything will be fine. I’m in perfect health...Amelia said so. Also I had Cate check me out and she said the same thing.”

  “That’s good. I’m sorry I’m being such a wimp. I’ll try not to let that happen again.” He kneeled on the linoleum floor at Maddie’s knees. “I promise that I will be a good father, and I will never leave your side. Figuratively, I mean,” he added hastily.

  “What else?”

  “I promise I will not lose my s-h-i-t every time you tell me something that makes me worry about you.”

  She smiled. “What else?”

  Pablo thought for a moment, then said, “If you have a craving, I will fetch Rocky Road ice cream from 7-11 at three o’clock in the morning. I will massage your swollen feet. I will rub cocoa butter on your ballooning belly. Later, I will change the poopy diapers as happily as I change the pee-pee diapers.”

  She laughed. “Excellent. Who knew it would be so easy getting you to do my bidding. All I had to do was get knocked up.”

  He gripped her pale-skinned hands in his darker ones, kissed the knuckle of each finger and gazed up into the beautiful face. “And I promise that I will share my M&Ms with you, even the greenies, as long as I get to pick out the name.”

  “Oh you’re a wily one. I’ll agree to that providing I have veto power.”

  “Agreed. I love you, Angel Girl.”

  “I love you too, Poet Fellow.”

  Chapter 20

  “You think there’s a need for this? You never struck me as the religious type before.”

  Steven watched her graceful movements as Natalie stapled a sheet protector containing a hand written flyer to the wooden telephone pole next to the greenhouse. It had become Liberty’s message board. People who offered services or products with which to barter posted their ads here.

  NON-DENOMINATIONAL WORSHIP SERVICE

  TOMORROW AND EVERY SUNDAY

  ONE HOUR AFTER SUNRISE

  TRINITY UNITED METHODIST CHURCH

  WE NEED GOD MORE THAN EVER BEFORE!

  ALL ARE WELCOME!

  “There’s a lot you don’t know about me. Unless you plan on obstructing our religious freedom, I suggest you give us one hour every Sunday to do something other than the jobs you’ve assigned us.”

  He considered a reply; discarded it. “I’m guessing your new beau will be giving the sermon?”

  “That’s correct. He’s quite good. I think people will want to hear what he has to say. They need sustenance for their souls as well as their bodies.”

  He laughed at the parrot-like delivery. These weren’t her words. They were Calvin’s.

  “If you say so,” he said with a smile. “Maybe I’ll attend. I haven’t been inside that church since I was a kid.”

  “This isn’t a joke. You don’t need to be there if you’r
e not interested in the spiritual message.”

  “I can’t watch the show for secular entertainment? That doesn’t seem fair.”

  “Keep it up, Steven. You’ll offend the true believers and alienate your minions.”

  He felt the sting of her word choice. “I don’t have minions. This is a majority rules democracy.”

  She snorted, diminishing her beauty exponentially.

  “Right. What’s that old chestnut? Whoever has the gold makes the rules? Your food cache and antibiotics bought your position.”

  There had been some grumbling along this line, but he had dismissed it. Anyone could speak up during town hall meetings. All complaints were addressed, despite how trivial they may be. Every significant issue was put to a vote. If people didn’t like the job he was doing, let them step up to the plate and take over. Carrying the burden of a hundred daily decisions and taking responsibility for them when they fizzled, would probably cost him a few years on the back end. Marilyn had remarked how much grayer his beard was now.

  It occurred to him who might have instigated these rumblings of discontent.

  “What my generosity bought me was less food for my own family. You think you can do a better job, Natalie? It’s yours for the taking. Just understand that you’ll get about half the beauty sleep you require and a lot more gray hair. I don’t see you making those kinds of sacrifices.”

  He knew the last comment was childish, but it slipped out before he could stop it. She was baiting him and he gobbled up the worm even though he should have known there was a barbed hook inside.

  “Interesting that you feel that way. While I don’t find the idea of supreme leadership appealing, there might be others who do. Enjoy your day, Steven.” She flashed a smile that could have graced the cover of a celebrity magazine, then glided down the street toward the hospital. Her body language told him she knew he watched. He turned his back in annoyance.

  The plastic sheeting of the greenhouse was dewy with condensation. He stepped through the opening that had been reinforced now with an actual glass door, and into the humid, warmish interior. Several people were bent over greenery; watering, tending, scrutinizing every leaf for signs of disease.

  “Steven! Come take a look at these bad boys,” Lisa hollered from the far side of the structure.

  When he stood beside the diminutive blond, he saw the source of her excitement. Dozens of neat rows of fernlike sprouts filled the raised beds. Below the feathery leaves, orange shoulders poked up from the black soil. Steven’s stomach rumbled.

  “Are they ready to harvest?”

  She grinned. “Yes. I’m hungry for them too. Normally we would only take what we can eat at the time. Carrots can stay in the ground for many weeks after they’re ripe, as long as it doesn’t freeze. But we’ll pull these guys up, and plant more seedlings. They’ll need to be stored somewhere dry and cool. Since the commissary is heated, I don’t think that’s the best place. What about your root cellar?”

  He shook his head. “I think that might send the wrong signal.”

  She nodded in understanding. “I’ll figure something else out. I saw you out there talking to Natalie. Don’t listen to her. Most everyone thinks you’re doing a great job and are grateful for your leadership, no matter how it came to be.”

  So there was more to the grumbling than he had assumed. Never underestimate the ingratitude of the masses. Of course his contributions earned him some deference at first, but wasn’t it his knowledge and talent that kept him in charge?

  “Do you think we should have an election? Make it more official? I don’t want it said that I bought my position.”

  “The same people who said that in the beginning are the ones who are still saying it. I don’t think that’s the general consensus. Don’t worry about it,” she gave him a crooked grin. “But because you’re Steven, you will worry about it. So have an election if it will put your mind to rest. You’ll win by a landslide, then people won’t have a damn thing to complain about. But of course they still will. We’ll always have a few bad apples.”

  He nodded, distracted. He was considering how the process would be done and tallying the votes he knew he could count on. It might not be the landslide Lisa predicted. He realized something about himself at that moment: despite the lack of sleep, the endless decision-making, and the weighty burden of responsibility, he loved being at the helm of this community. In hindsight, his life with Jeffrey for those first months had been a hollow existence. Their physical needs had been the focus, not their emotional and intellectual well-being. He would miss his prominent role as the keystone of the society they were building, if he were to lose it.

  And he wouldn’t give it up without a fight.

  Chapter 21

  “Do you know she’s instructing her people to report any dissident behavior? I’m not talking about new residents either. I mean the people who have been here from the beginning,” Julia said.

  “I don’t have time for this. I want to be at the church before the sermon begins,” Steven replied.

  “I’ve been trying to talk to you about it for a week. Ever since the night that we lost Thoozy.”

  “Then it can wait for a couple more hours, right?” Steven tugged on his boots and tied the laces while his sister watched with annoyance.

  “You’ve decided to get religion? Please. I know you better than that.”

  “I need to make an appearance, and I want to get a better feel for that bible-thumper.”

  “How disappointing. My brother, the pragmatic, plain-talking, forthright guy, is now a spying politician.”

  “That was harsh. Why are your panties in such a wad? Dani is keeping this town safe and I’m trying to keep it from imploding. That preacher is in cahoots with Natalie. I think the two of them have cooked something up together. World domination, probably. Or at least Liberty domination.”

  “Why do you think so?”

  “Call it a gut instinct. So can we talk about this later, please?” He shrugged into his jacket and glanced back at his sister. The expression she wore was an older but equally fierce version of one he frequently saw on Dani’s face. An idea popped into his head. One that would accomplish two things: getting Julia off his back about Dani, and coming clean about the resemblance between the two. He should have mentioned it long before now.

  He stepped back into the warmth of his living room and took his sister’s hands in his own. Her eyes opened wide at the sudden shift in mood and demeanor.

  “How many years ago did you give the baby up for adoption?”

  “What? Why the hell are you asking me that question?”

  “Please, this is important. How many years ago?”

  “Twenty-two years and three months.” Her lips were pressed into a tight, thin line. “You’re an asshole. You know how much that hurts.”

  “Did you know that Dani was adopted? Have you thought about how similar you and she look? Do you even realize that despite the slight Texan accent, her speech pattern is just like yours? Have you noticed the way you both stand with your arms crossed too close to whomever has just pissed you off? The other night it was like watching a young Julia arguing with the current Julia. The similarities are too uncanny to be a coincidence. I thought you might have seen it, but I think it’s that forest-trees thing.”

  Her mouth was half open, but nothing came out. Steven kissed his sister on the cheek and pulled the door shut behind him.

  ###

  “Brothers and sisters, welcome! What a joyous day this is. Finally we shall get to work on healing our spirit. Of course it’s important to keep the body healthy, for it is the vessel which houses our immortal, sacred self...that part of us which, through God’s grace, allows us to live forever. But what has become of our souls in these trying times?”

  An unintentional snort escaped Steven. Trying? An abysmally inadequate word choice. Several heads turned in his direction then swiveled back to face the charismatic man at the pulpit. Calvin’s appearance w
as impeccable. The white shirt unbuttoned at the neck was pristine, a near-miraculous accomplishment in a world without electric washing machines. Of course, the clothing, the perfect hair, and the freshly shaven face (another anomaly these days), had been planned and orchestrated to achieve one goal: to acquire admirers and followers. It was so contrived, he had to stifle another disdainful snort. What man took the time to fuss over his clothes and his hair when their very survival was on the line?

  “I’ll tell you what has happened to it. It has atrophied like an underused muscle. Like a rose desiccating in a bone-dry vase, your spiritual being has been neglected and is also withering away. It is dangerously close to shriveling up and dying. But it’s not too late, brothers and sisters. It’s not too late to water it with God’s word, to feed it with God’s love, and to resurrect it with God’s mercy. I’m here to tell you that we have stopped the patient’s bleeding just in the nick of time!”

  Steven rolled his eyes at the cornball metaphors, then swept a covert glance across the room. From the pews of the Trinity United Methodist Church, thirty faces were gazing at the speaker with universal expressions of joy. Steven’s smirk faded. He leaned back against the uncomfortable wooden bench and crossed his arms. His eyes narrowed as he watched the preacher, then narrowed further as he glanced at the back of Natalie’s head on the front center pew.

  “We are here for such a short time, yet the actions we take and the behavior in which we engage while we are here on this earth will determine whether we enter the kingdom of heaven. And it makes for some tough choices, folks. I won’t sugarcoat it. Sometimes a sin feels justified at the moment. It seems like the logical thing to do for a million different reasons. But that’s just Satan’s little trick of muddying the waters...of clouding your thoughts. A sin is a sin is a sin. God made them crystal clear for us when he directed Moses to carry those tablets down from Mount Sinai. How many of those Ten Commandments have we honored? All of them? Some of them? None of them? Do you even remember what they are?”