Tattoos: A Novel

by Denise Mathew

  “There’s something coming, and I’ll be damned if I can figure out what it is. I’ve tried the Tarot, playing cards and…” Suddenly her face lit up. Then she was on her feet, digging through the cupboards.

  “I haven’t done tea leaves in ages, that might be exactly what I need to do to see…” She tugged out a glass container, filled with loose tea leaves. She grabbed two fine china teacups that had delicate rose prints on their faces and matching saucers. Gran placed everything on the counter. When she plugged her electric kettle in I knew I was in for it.

  I didn’t like that she had two cups out. A feeling of foreboding washed over me. Not only did I hate tea, since to me it tasted like a combination of burnt toast, dirt and grass, but I didn’t like doing fortunetelling stuff on a regular basis either. Sure I’d go along with it for special occasions like Birthdays and the odd time here and there but it was getting a little much. I didn’t make it a habit of getting too much into the future since I always had enough to deal with in the present.

  “Gran, why are there two cups?” I asked, already knowing the answer. I didn’t hold out much hope that I would manage to dodge the proverbial bullet.

  She spun around to face me. Her brow was creased in a way that I hadn’t seen in a long time, not since…I shook my head reminding myself that that part of my life was over. I’d been given a chance at a new beginning and…

  I glanced at the tattoos on my arms. I needed to touch and feel the images that gave me more solace than even I admitted. My tattoos were a testament to overcoming my past, and all the hell that had gone with it. I ran my fingers over the image of the Phoenix. It was midway between my wrist and the bend in my elbow. Its outstretched wings, in simple black with splashes of ruby red, tangerine orange and buttercup yellow, rose high above its regal head and gave the illusion of the bird being on fire. Beneath it, a slate grey pile of ashes was a study in contrasts. The few track marks that were still visible, trailed like grim reminders from the Phoenix’s tail.

  Gran didn’t bother to answer me which in hindsight was probably a wise decision. Instead she dumped a heaping teaspoon of tea leaves in each cup and added boiling water right after. She placed the tea cups on the saucers and carried them to the table, laying one in front of me.

  “Gran I hate tea and I don’t…”

  She put a finger to her lips, shaking her head. It was her way of telling me that this was non-negotiable.

  “I have a gig to get to,” I protested.

  “There’s time,” she said, refusing to meet my eyes.

  She laid a pitcher of milk in the center of the table then slipped into the chair across from me. Gran hunched over her cup, studying the surface as if it could tell her the secrets of the universe. I wondered if it could. Steam fogged her glasses, forcing her to remove them and clean away the moisture.

  “So how’s work?” she asked nonchalantly.

  I shrugged, not sure what to say. The question reminded me that I hadn’t actually told her about Marilee or that I’d invited her to Christmas dinner. The invitation had been something I was still kicking my ass for doing. Marilee came from money and prestige. She didn’t exactly belong in a cockroach ridden tenement building that was crumbling at the foundations.

  I hadn’t even begun to imagine Marilee coming, but if that was actually going to even happen, Gran was totally out of the loop about everything. There was nothing I wanted more than to tell Gran about Marilee, but it seemed the time was never right. Besides, I knew that a lot could happen between now and Christmas.

  “You know, the same old, kids get sick, kids get better.” I winced with my first sip of the tea. I had no idea how I was going to manage to get it all down.

  “Well that’s a callous way to put it,” Gran said, catching my eyes with hers. “Have you forgotten that the ward is filled with people who are fighting for their lives?”

  She glared at me over the rim of her glasses. I flinched at the sharpness in her tone. Gran almost never got pissed at me. This sudden and out of the blue attack made me even more curious about what was eating at her.

  “You know it’s not like that, I just can’t get too involved…” I said, running a shaky hand through my hair. I hated being on the receiving end of Gran’s wrath, no matter how infrequent it was.

  Gran deflated, bringing her gaze to the tea cup she cradled in her hands.

  “I know better than to say anything like that, you’re a good boy Jackson. I was completely out of line,” she said, shaking her head. I saw in that moment that the age that hadn’t seemed to touch her through the years was catching up with her.

  “It’s okay, it was kind of a lame-ass comment, especially since I never seem to manage to keep my distance like I always promise myself I will.”

  An image of Marilee’s eyes flashed in my mind. Right then I wanted to tell Gran about her. I swallowed another mouthful of tea. I almost gagged it back up. To my utter disbelief I managed to get it down and was more than thankful that there wasn’t much left. The tea leaves that Gran had put in the cup had swelled to double their size and were now resting at the bottom. Gran leaned forward. She moved a stray piece of hair out of my eyes then grinned her dentured smile.

  “I’m sorry for lashing out at you, but I have things on my mind.”

  When I shot her a hopeful look she shook her head determinedly.

  “And no, right now I’m not prepared to tell you what those things are. But if you could just humor me and let me do as you call it, my voodoo mumbo jumbo when I ask, it will help me a lot. I know there are no definitive answers in divinations. Sometimes though, if I’m lucky, they’ll give me a glimpse of a possibility.”

  I nodded. I sucked the last little bit of the tea down. A few stray tea leaves made their way into my mouth and I spat them out in disgust. I wanted to believe that I wouldn’t ever have to drink the swill again, but I knew I would. As soon as I put the cup back down Gran abandoned her own cup. She snatched mine up, studying the leaves with a razor-tipped glare. In seconds her face went grave. Apparently she’d found what she’d been looking for, but it hadn’t brought her the solace that she’d expected. I would have been lying if I’d said that it didn’t bother me how she seemed so crushed by whatever was in my tea cup. A part of me wanted to ask her what she’d seen, while the other part of me, the rational thinker, tried to convince myself that a damn tea leaf in a shape had absolutely no bearing on my future.

  She brought her focus back to my face, studying me like a hawk would its prey.

  “It’s there again, this girl and how everything is going to change and…have you met someone?” she asked, giving me a probing stare. A chill ran through me because as only she could, she’d managed to hit on the one secret I was keeping from her. I wasn’t even sure why it was so important to keep Gran in the dark about Marilee, but for some reason it was. It was probably one of the strongest needs I’d ever had. It didn’t make any sense, not even to me.

  “I meet people all the time,” I said trying to deflect her attention. Of course it didn’t work.

  “Yes or no Jackson, this is important,” she said. Her hands found mine. She squeezed my fingers as if to hammer home her point.

  “How can some clumps of tea leaves at the bottom of a cup be so important Gran?” I countered.

  “So you have met someone,” she said, leaning in a little closer. I felt skewered in place, and still I didn’t give in. The whole stubborn as an ass description of me was more apt than even I’d known.

  “I didn’t say that,” I said. My voice was louder than I’d expected or planned. I jerked my hands away, lurching to my feet, ready to bolt. Gran was on her feet too. She seemed uncommonly nimble for a woman of her age. Sudden fire burned in her gaze and her fists were balls of rage. Her stance actually scared me.

  “I told you I needed to know, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important,” she hissed, as if it was taking all of her will to keep a handle on her temper. All I could think was that none of it made
sense. Not my refusal to tell her about Marilee or her need to know, and especially not her extreme reaction.

  “Drop it Gran, I…” I spun to leave. I felt her hand grip my forearm. She twisted my arm over, then jammed her finger on a particular tattoo. When she did, it stopped me in my tracks. All of my ink meant something, but none as much as the one she’d pointed out. She knew that it would get my attention. The black tattoo, a Y shape with an extra line in the center of the V, was Algiz and was derived from the runic alphabet. Among other things it was a mark of protection especially for health. But for me it was a symbol of Gran and how she’d sacrificed every part of her life for me. I dropped my head to my chest, ashamed for how I’d acted. If there was anyone who didn’t deserve to be crapped on it was Gran.

  “I’m an ass,” I said to the floor.

  Gran dropped my arm. She cupped my chin, bringing my face to hers. In that moment she seemed so small and maybe even a little scared. I still didn’t know why it mattered so much that I tell her about Marilee, but rather than destroy the trust that she had in me, I decided there was only one thing to do.

  “There’s someone,” I whispered. I felt unexpected tears burn at the back of my eyes. A lump too big to swallow formed in my throat. I didn’t know why I’d suddenly felt like the world had gone to hell because being with Marilee made me happier than I thought possible

  “Yes.” Gran’s tone was petal soft.

  “She’s in the hospital and…” I pressed my lips together for a second before I went on.

  “Does she work there?” Gran asked. I could tell she already knew the truth. Somehow Gran always knew the truth.

  I shook my head, both relieved and shattered that I was telling her everything. “She’s a patient and…”

  “She has cancer,” Gran finished.

  She wrapped me in her arms. Though the top of her head only reached my chest, I felt safe and protected in her arms, like I always did. With Gran I didn’t need to know all the answers or be the guy who took care of everyone, I was just me and it felt good.

  “See, that wasn’t so hard now was it,” she soothed.

  But I didn’t agree with her. Somehow it was easier for Marilee to be a secret. For me to imagine that everything would work out just great. Encapsulated in the safety of the hospital that was filled with doctors, nurses and the best medicines, Marilee was safe and always would be. But for her to exist here on the Strip, where poverty and the ugly truth of human suffering was evident every day, where death was common, the real possibility that there might not actually be a happy ending in her future was there. I couldn’t allow myself to envision anything other than a happy ending.

  Away from the real world I didn’t have to admit that there was a possibility that she could die and leave me. Regardless of how long I’d known her, her future mattered to me. So much so that every time I thought about her pain and suffering and how the disease took its toll on her, it felt like a lance in my chest.

  “It will be okay Jackson,” Gran said.

  I shook my head because she was wrong, nothing was going to be okay. I’d seen the truth. The disease that she had didn’t just make you sick, it killed you.

  “I love her Gran…I tried to stop it from happening but somehow as sappy as it might sound, she’s managed to get into my head, into my heart. I want to be strong for her but when I see her…” My voice quavered. I fought to push down all the feelings that I’d managed so far to ignore. But now, with Gran there, whatever strength I’d had was spent.

  I couldn’t help but remember how ravaged Marilee had already been by the cure, not even the disease. Sure she’d made it through the first cycle of chemo, but there would be another that would follow. She was already painfully thin and frail. I’d seen how much strength had been leached from her, as she fought for her very life.

  “Then love her Jackson, fully and truly. Bring her into your world, let her see who you really are,” Gran whispered. Tears shimmered in her eyes and seeing her like that threatened to snap me in half.

  “Because keeping her a secret won’t make her well, being able to talk to me and your friends about her and how you feel, will mean that you’ll have more to give her.”

  “I just wish she wasn’t sick Gran, it’s not fair that I’ve actually met someone who makes me think that there’s more to life than just getting by, going to work and just managing to pay your bills… Why is it that venomous assholes like Emma, walk around the world without a care and someone like Marilee, someone who has so much to give, gets sick?”

  “Everything happens exactly as it’s supposed to, you might not understand that now but one day you will,” Gran said, brushing away a tear that had managed to slip by my defenses.

  “Sometimes I think it would have been better if I’d never met her, then I wouldn’t feel like this, like someone had ripped my guts out and tramped on them…”

  “I wouldn’t have given up a solitary minute with your Grandad no matter how much I suffered when he died,” Gran said with a wistful smile.

  She gazed over at the cabinet. I knew she longed to graze the surface, feel the wood against her palm, press her cheek against the face as if she could hear my grandfather speak to her. But she didn’t let me go. That was Gran’s way. She loved me so much that all her needs fell to the wayside, and it only made me feel more guilty for how I’d treated her.

  She pulled me forward to our well worn sofa with its ugly greenish paisley print, cut by bits of beige and yellow. It was another treasure from the old house, and showed wear from so many people who had enjoyed its comfort. And even though I was way beyond the age that it was appropriate, I laid my head on her lap. She stroked my hair like she’d done so many times before. I closed my eyes and waited for my ragged breathing to return to normal.

  “Tell me about her,” Gran said, still caressing my hair. I knew I had to get ready to leave soon, but I enjoyed the feel of her hands and how her soothing touch always seemed to make things better.

  “She’s lost all her hair from the chemo. But it’s somehow made her even more beautiful, like an angel. Her eyes are the color of those flowers that you get in the spring, you know really tiny blue…”

  “Forget-me-nots?” Gran said.

  “Yeah, Forget-me-nots. She’s a natural blonde and her skin is porcelain white and so soft and…” I sighed remembering Marilee. Just thinking about her made me want to be with her then. To hold her in my arms like Gran was doing for me, and never let her go.

  “And she’s tiny, kind of like you. But she also has this spark in her that says she’s not going to just take it.”

  “She sounds nice,” Gran said. I pushed up to sitting and nodded.

  “She’s one of a kind, but her asshole parents don’t see it like that…” I threaded my fingers behind my head and leaned back. “Her mother’s this stuck up bitch and her father’s all yes dear, no dear, to the mother. They’re pieces of work and they’ve even forced Marilee to stay on the ward between chemo cycles.”

  Gran cocked an eyebrow my way. “Really? Is she too sick to be home?”

  I shook my head. “Nope, her parents can’t be bothered having a sicko in their pristine house.”

  “Oh my, that’s awful,” Gran said, shaking her head. “I’d think that being in a place that’s familiar would be beneficial for her recovery.”

  “And you’d be right…whatever.” I shrugged and got to my feet.

  “Anyway I’d better shower and get ready for my gig, Max and Zeke will put a hit out on me if I don’t show.”

  Gran smiled. It seemed all the tension from the past few weeks had drained away. It was more than satisfying to see her back to normal.

  “Have fun dear,” she said. I turned to leave.

  “And Jackson, if you ever need to talk about Marilee…”

  I paused, nodded, then planted a kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

  “I will,” I said.

  I retreated to the bathroom feeling lighter than I had in a very
long time. It was true, sometimes the people who loved you the most, knew more about what was good for you than you did yourself.

  13. Marilee

  I turned the origami dragon over in my hands, astounded by the detail but also the simplicity of materials used to construct, what could only be described as art. Jax was perched on the edge of my bed, his shoulder pressed against mine. His head was tilted over me, his breath warm on the back of my neck.

  “It’s kind of mind-blowingly cool,” he said, curling his arm around my waist. I smiled. Whether he was holding my hand, hugging me or even if he just grazed his fingertips against my cheek, it always sent a thrill of excitement through me. I never tired of the feeling of his hands on me. His familiar scent filled the room and managed to cloak the strong odors of the revolting flowers that, despite the vase incident, Mom still insisted on sending.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, sighing.

  “Not as beautiful as you,” Jax whispered into my ear.

  I shivered then glanced over at him. Our lips were an inch apart. I closed the distance, kissing him on his full lips that were still quirking a smile. He responded, drawing me so close that I worried that the dragon would get crushed. Seemingly sensing my quandary he pulled back, giving me his trademark single dimpled grin. Right then I didn’t think I could have loved anyone more than I did him.

  I suddenly realized that he’d called me beautiful and I felt my face flush. The last word I would ever have used to describe myself was beautiful. Whatever beauty I’d had in the past was long gone. I’d lost so much weight that my chest was pre-pubescent flat, my hips were boyishly straight, not to mention that I was bald as a newborn baby. Only I didn’t have the baby cute factor to go with the baldness. If I was being honest I felt barely passable. Those facts alone had me wondering what Jax, tall, dark and gorgeous, saw in me.