Tattoos: A Novel

by Denise Mathew

  16. Marilee

  “What did you think?” Jax asked when our kiss finally broke.

  “You’re amazing,” I said, knowing it didn’t even come close to describing how impressed I was. From the way Jax grinned, I’d said the right thing.

  Then he did something quite unexpected and shrugged a shoulder as if he was slightly embarrassed. The move was so atypical for him that it made me love him even more. He curled his hands around my shoulders. The heat of his body radiated delightfully through the layers of my clothes.

  Jax guided me back to the table. I felt a bit guilty that I had all but abandoned his Gran. She smiled warmly at me. I was relieved that she seemed unfazed by my unplanned slight. She got to her feet, her arms extended toward Jax. I slipped onto one of the bar stools, watching Jax take his Gran in his arms. Her head only reached mid-chest, making her appear miniature in his grasp. She wrapped her spindly arms around him, just managing to encircle his waist. Anybody on the planet would have been able to see how much they loved each other.

  Gran gave Jax’s overheated cheek a little pinch then went back to her seat. He pulled a chair in between us. His legs were so long that they didn’t fit beneath the table like ours did. I kind of felt sorry for him, but from the expression on his face he didn’t seem to care.

  “I’m going to the powder room,” Gran said, getting to her feet. Jax did the same, helping his Gran out of the chair, not that she needed it. Then we both watched her thread expertly through the crowd until she disappeared into the sea of bodies.

  “Well isn’t this sweet?” someone said. I turned to see a person with a clown white face, eyes that were unnaturally large and lips that were blood red. I was astounded that she somehow looked just like a creepy life sized doll.

  “Emma,” Jax said, his tone venomous.

  Without warning the girl stepped forward. She pulled Jax toward her. Jax, obviously unbalanced by the move, stumbled. Before he could right himself, the girl had planted her mouth like a grouper over his. I watched stunned, as she gripped his butt and shoved his crotch against her slender body. Jax’s hands grasped her shoulders and he shoved her back, not hard enough to make her fall, but enough to let her know that he wasn’t into the kiss. He wiped red lipstick off his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes turned to slits.

  Jax opened his mouth to speak but before he could say a word another voice cut in.

  “Hey skank, back up your skinny ass and take a fucking hike.”

  The guy who I’d never met but recognized as Max, stepped closer to the table. His face was almost as white as Emma’s, but unlike her doll like appearance he was the epitome of goth. He had more piercings than I could count and was dressed in head to toe black.

  “I’ll go wherever I want, as far as I can remember this is still a public place,” she said firing a hateful sneer Max’s way. Max seemed unaffected by Emma’s rebuke and even though he was the same height as she was, he managed to make it seem like he was looming over her.

  “It might be a public place, but I only need to tell James about the coke you have stashed in your purse, and your ass will be positioned on the front sidewalk before you can say I wish I was in Kansas three times,” another voice said. Zeke had somehow slipped in beside Max and was standing there with his meaty arms crossed over his Grateful Dead t-shirt. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t seem to peel my eyes away from his impossibly pouffy golden afro.

  Emma flipped her ebony hair over her shoulder as if Zeke hadn’t spoken. She threw a scathing glare my way.

  “Taking pity on your pets from the hospital?” she said.

  Her lips curved into an evil grin that sent ice down my spine. It didn’t take long for her hateful words to make my stomach clench, and I wanted to get out of there. The whole bar seemed to spin around me. How did she know about me? Had Jax told her that I was sick?

  Suddenly whatever confidence I’d had about actually daring to venture out into the world, vanished. Feeling betrayed, I wanted to run back to the safety of the limousine, back to the hospital. I felt Jax’s fingers grasp my hand. I pulled out of his hold. Right then I didn’t want him to touch me, because what if Emma’s words were true, what if he was with me because he pitied me?

  “Marilee?” Jax said. He touched my knee. I shifted away from him.

  “How does she know that I’m a patient in the hospital?” I said in a tone that I was sure only Jax could hear. Not that I cared who’d heard since all I could think was that Jax had betrayed me. He’d told a stranger something that was beyond personal.

  Jax opened his mouth as if to explain, but stopped short when his Gran reappeared.

  “What’s going on here?” Gran said. I glanced at her. Her sharp eyes raked over Emma as if she’d heard what Emma had said. Surprisingly Emma reacted to the glower by backing away from the table a few paces. Without another word she spun on her stiletto heel and was lost in the crowd.

  “Jackson what’s got Marilee so upset?” Gran said, laying a wrinkled hand on my shoulder. I wanted to crumple into a ball and cry. How had my perfect moment devolved so rapidly?

  “I want to go now,” I said. I felt my bottom lip quiver. I hated that my body so readily gave away my feelings.

  “Jackson?” she repeated. There was question and also a note of irritation in the single word. Jax stiffened.

  “Gran, I…” Jax started to say.

  His expression was filled with regret, but it meant little to me right then. I stood up and tugged my jacket on. I pressed my lips together trying to hold in my emotions until I was outside. I nodded toward Gran. The look of absolute sympathy that she gave me almost made me lose my battle with my feelings.

  She placed her cool hand against my cheek in a soothing gesture. “It was nice meeting you Marilee,” she said in a low voice. Max and Zeke stood silent, staring at me with the identical expression as Gran. I didn’t want their pity. I just wanted to be normal, for one night I wanted to be a seventeen-year-old girl out on a date with her boyfriend.

  I nodded again. Without a word to anyone else I made my way to the door. Tears streamed down my cheeks before I got halfway across the bar, but I didn’t let something as insignificant as not being able to see stop me. I threw open the bar door and stepped outside into the cold air. It seemed to freeze inside my lungs. I paused, trying to get my bearings. I felt a hand on my shoulder that I knew was Jax’s.

  I moved forward, unwilling to talk to him or acknowledge that he was even there. I had nothing to say to him right then, maybe not ever again. The more I thought about it the more I wondered what Jax had told his friends about me. Was I poor Marilee, more like a sick puppy than someone who he would consider a true girlfriend.

  One of the things I loved about Jax was his willingness to help people. The Peace Project was important to me because I wanted to leave a mark on the world, spread some good while I was still alive, but I knew it was different for Jax. For him the project was all consuming like a need that he couldn’t ignore. He didn’t just want to help he was programmed to do it, like he had a gene that most people didn’t have.

  He was the type of guy who could walk into a room of strangers and after an hour passed, would know everyone’s life story. People liked to talk to him and he liked to listen. All those qualities were the parts of him that I’d fallen in love with, but now seemed like liabilities in our relationship. Because what if I was a project too? Someone who he felt compelled to help, to heal, and when I was all better he would move on to his next project.

  “Damn it Marilee slow down, let me explain.”

  I rushed down the street without a backward glance. The sidewalk was slippery from the falling snow and my shoes slid a few times, forcing me to slow enough to catch my balance, but it wasn’t enough to make me stop. I breathed in a sigh of relief when I spotted the limousine, still parked where we’d gotten out.

  The driver sat behind the wheel, his head tilted back as if he were asleep. I threw open the rear door and slipped onto the
leather seat. The car was warm and it made me realize how cold I’d suddenly felt. I started to tremble, rubbing my icy hands together in an attempt to warm my fingers.

  Seconds later Jax was there beside me, his hands on mine. He kneaded my fingers, bringing the blood back to the tips. Even though it felt good I tugged my hands away, shooting him an arctic glower.

  “You don’t have to keep taking care of me,” I said. I swiped at the tears on my frozen cheeks with the sleeve of my coat. It was the first time I’d bothered to look at Jax since we’d left the bar. The expression on his face made any other bitter words I’d planned to unleash, get caught in my throat.

  He shook his head then leaned back against the seat. Flakes of melting snow sparkled in his dark hair. His face was pale and his dark eyelashes rested in the shadows that I hadn’t noticed were beneath his eyes. If I were being honest he almost looked sick. His eyes fluttered open and he locked on me.

  “I wanted this to be perfect and it’s all screwed up. I want to kill Emma for saying what she did,” he murmured. He ran a shaky hand through his wet hair. The absolute grief in his eyes made most of my anger fade away. “I wanted to show you how much I love you Marilee...the song is about me, us, and how I don’t feel like I deserve someone as perfect as you.”

  I sighed, thinking that perfect was the last word I would ever use to describe myself right then. Perfect people had hair and a figure. But I knew from his expression that he’d meant what he’d said.

  I touched his cheek with my fingers. His skin was damp and cool. I felt light stubble against my flesh. I grazed my fingers across his cheek and over his lips. He kissed the tips then sat up straight. He took my hands in his, bringing his face to barely an inch from mine. His breath was soft on my skin, his scent smelled like sunshine and fresh air, wrapped in cigarette smoke. I knew I couldn’t stay mad at him for long, I loved him too much. I brought my lips against his, allowing them to touch for less than a second.

  “Creep,” I whispered, covering his mouth with mine. He laughed against my mouth.

  “Our first fight,” he said, gliding his thumbs down the length of my neck. “I hope it’s our last because I can’t stand when you’re mad at me Marilee.

  “I hate being mad at you too, but what she said in there… did you tell her who I was and that I was sick?”

  Jax shook his head. “No, I didn’t tell her anything because it’s none of her damn business.” He looked out the car window and seemed mesmerized by the snowflakes falling all around us. “I dated her before and...” Jax brought his focus back to mine. “She didn’t take the breakup well…”

  “You dated her?” I shrieked, unable to comprehend what he’d ever seen in someone who wanted to look like a living doll. Jax actually cringed as if I’d hit him. Knowing that he’d dated her made the fact that she’d known all my business even more painful.

  “She wasn’t all dolled out when I met her…no pun intended.”

  “I guess I don’t really know you at all.”

  My anger heightened. Imagining the two of them talking about me, the pathetic cancer patient, more than pissed me off. I shoved Jax’s shoulder then tried to swallow the tennis ball that seemed lodged in my throat.

  “So you’re saying that Emma knows all about me, and…?”

  My voice broke. I felt so betrayed by him all over again. Of all the people that were in my life, Jax seemed the last person I’d have expected to reveal personal things about me. Especially not to his ex-Barbie doll girlfriend. Jax didn’t respond. His silence only made his guilt more obvious.

  “I didn’t tell her anything about you,” he finally said. I shot him an incredulous look because I knew he was lying to me. How else would she have known about me. My wig was more than real looking. As far as I could see I looked as healthy as anyone else in the bar. So the only way she would know about me was if Jax, or maybe Zeke or Max had spilled the truth. No matter who had filled in Emma, the result was the same, I felt violated.

  A flood of tears filled my eyes. I didn’t want to make her words real, but I couldn’t help but feel like the pet from the hospital that Emma had called me. An expression of realization lit Jax’s face. He pushed the sleeve of my wool coat up, tapping the one thing that I’d forgotten about. The one item that pegged me as a patient, my plastic hospital bracelet.

  When I realized that Jax had nothing to do with what had happened in the bar, I felt horrible. I’d been the stupid one, I’d grown so used to the bracelet that I hadn’t thought to cut it off, or at least cover it while I was out. More tears slid down my cheeks and quiet sobs slipped from my throat. Jax was innocent and I’d been so cruel.

  “Jax, I’m so sorry,” I whispered, reaching for him.

  In a surprising move, he slipped out of the jacket that he’d been wearing the whole night. With his jacket off and in just a short sleeve t-shirt, his tattoo sleeves were completely visible. Despite our relationship and that he’d told me more about his family and about his life than I’d ever imagined, the subject of his tattoos had mostly been private. He’d once likened his them to a diary of his life, documenting both the good and the bad. I knew that there were a lot of parts of his past that he wasn’t ready to admit happened. I figured the only person who really knew about every detail of Jax’s life was his Gran. As far as I could tell she was keeping what she knew to herself.

  Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to the images inked on his arms. The tattoos swam together in an explosion of colors, mingling with the basic black of Chinese characters and a few other symbols. The varying colors and shades made for pseudo textures and realistic pictures, that seemed to meld into one another as if they had been pieces to a puzzle, each fitting perfectly into the next. We were silent as I ran my finger along the length of his arm, feeling the downy hair that covered his skin. He shivered as if the contact was foreign in that part of his body.

  Suddenly all the worry and shame of having my life opened and in view, fell away. I wanted to know what every picture and tattoo meant. I wanted to know what the tiny green gecko with bright orange eyes and the white dove with its wings spread wide meant. I wanted to know why there was a sword at his wrist and an Eye of Horus on his elbow, but all my questions were lost when he turned his left arm over so the soft underside was facing up. A small gauze bandage was taped to a space just below the bend of his elbow.

  “This is what I wanted to show you,” he said. “Everything that I did tonight was supposed to have led up to this. I’m sorry that it all went to hell before I had a chance to show you.”

  Jax peeled the bandage off his arm. When he did, I realized that beneath it was a new tattoo. Only after he’d completely removed the gauze did I realize what the tattoo was of.

  Me.

  My eyes were closed, and my face was more peaceful than I’d ever imagined it could be. Only when a person was sleeping could they look like that, as if nothing in the world mattered. The tattoo was so life like that it seemed as if he’d had a picture of my face photocopied on his arm. The picture was one that had been taken after I’d lost all my hair. I couldn’t help but wish that the tattoo artist had inked in my hair, just like it once had been.

  As if in response to my thoughts Jax said. “I know what you’re going to say, that you don’t have any hair. I get how important that is for you, but I wanted to preserve you like this. One day we’ll look back at this tattoo and remember how we met, and that even though it was the worst time in your life something good came out of it too.”

  “Like the silver lining of a black cloud,” I whispered, staring down at the tattoo. “I can’t believe you did this,” was the most I could get out. How could I even begin to tell him how it felt to me, that he’d loved me enough that he’d had my face tattooed on his arm.

  “You’re part of my story Marilee. Now and forever,” he said.

  He put his arm over my shoulder and drew me closer until my head came to rest against his chest. I’d never felt safer and more loved than I did righ
t then.

  17. Jax

  When the limousine pulled up along the curb outside my apartment building I almost laughed, knowing that it was probably the first and last time that a limousine would ever grace these streets. It was well after midnight and the few people who were still cruising the streets paused and watched the car. I was sure they were expecting a movie star or some tabloid celebrity to step out. When they caught sight of me they shook their heads as if I’d shattered their dreams. Even so, I played up the moment, putting an extra strut in my step like an amped up rock star who had it all figured out. Not the flat broke guy who lived in a crappy apartment on the Strip, who sang at a complete dive. For the moment after spending the whole night with Marilee, it wasn’t too hard to imagine that I had a different life, more money and a swag apartment with Gran, with Max and Zeke as neighbors.

  Still high from being with Marilee, everything seemed possible like all the roadblocks and limitations that had always been there in my life had vanished. I could still smell her perfume on my clothes. I never wanted it to fade. I turned around and waved at the limousine driver as he pulled away. I was sure that the tip I’d given him, the last of the money I’d saved for Gran’s bed, was probably the worst he’d ever had. All the same he’d been gracious, and for that I was grateful.

  I made my way to the apartment suddenly exhausted. There had been so many ups and downs in the evening that I felt like a yoyo on steroids. But thankfully in the end, Marilee had forgiven me for Emma being a complete bitch.