Going Under (The Blackhawk Boys Book 3)

by Lexi Ryan

  “Of course not.”

  “I don’t want to get married. I’m already having a baby I’m not ready for, I can’t pile a sudden marriage on top of it.” She speaks so fast that her words tumble into each other. “When he talks to me, he wants to plan our whole life out. Not in the fun Pinterest board dreaming way but in a super-practical, ‘This is how we’re going to pay the bills and run our lives’ boring way. I don’t want that.”

  “Okay,” I say. “Then tell him that. You don’t have to decide yet whether or not you and Keegan are going to be an item, but you’re going to have to make some decisions about your future after this baby comes.”

  She bites her bottom lip and shuts off the screen on her tablet before looking up at me. “I’m not freaking out about Dad. For the record. Because I know my baby will have his uncle Bash, and you’ll be a better role model than Dad could ever be.”

  My exhale is jagged, but I feel good. For the first time, the idea of a niece or nephew feels real to me, and I’m excited about the prospect and glad I can be here for Olivia. “I’ll help any way I can.”

  “Did you work things out with Alex?” she asks.

  I lie back on the bed and stare up at the spinning ceiling fan. “She’s not mad at me anymore.”

  “But she’s not with you either?”

  I swallow and place my hand on my chest, on that ache by my heart where it feels like a piece of me is missing. “I’m giving her space. She’s been through a lot, and I can wait.”

  She shakes her head. “If I ever feel about a guy the way you feel about her, I hope someone takes me out back and puts me out of my misery.”

  “Brat.” I grab a pillow and throw it at her face, and she grabs it from the air and holds it against her belly.

  She laughs. “You’re pathetic.”

  I shrug. “I’m in love.”

  “Do you wish you weren’t?” She bunches the pillowcase in her fist. “I mean, now that you know how much it sucks to love her and not have her, do you wish you could go back and have never met her?”

  Sometimes I forget how young my sister is. Not just in years, but in experience. “Not at all. She’s part of me, and whether or not she decides to let me into her life, I’ll always love her and know that I’m better for loving her.”

  She grunts. “Oh my God.”

  “What?”

  “I’m just thinking that if you haven’t told her that, you’re a fucking idiot.”

  “Watch your mouth,” I say.

  She sticks her tongue out at me. “I learned it from you.”

  “I don’t know where I’d be if she hadn’t run into that fire. Would I be in jail with Dad? Logan’s second in command? Fuck. It’s terrifying. I don’t like to think about it.”

  “Would you just get out of here and go tell her all of that? The pregnancy gives me enough issues with nausea. I don’t need your help.”

  I sit up and stand then pinch her nose like I did when we were kids. “You’re not alone, okay?”

  She nods. “And neither are you.”

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Sebastian

  Alex DeLuca is naked in my bed.

  I don’t know how long I stand in the doorway to my bedroom blinking at her, trying to convince myself she’s real, but it’s long enough that her cheeks turn pink. She climbs out of bed and walks toward me. When she’s close enough that I could touch her, she takes my hand and places it on her bare hip.

  “She’s with me too,” she says, turning so I can see the inked skin where she’s positioned my hand. I saw her phoenix tattoo during our two nights together, but we never got the chance to talk about it—or maybe I never asked because I didn’t want to tarnish those moments with talk about the fire.

  When she reaches around to touch my hand, her fingers skim the feathers of one wing then dip down to graze the ink at the base of my spine. “She’ll always be with me. She’s my biggest failure and my biggest regret, and I carry her with me. I carry her broken, imperfect heart in mine because it was too stubborn to die with the rest of her in that fire.” She drops her hand and turns back to face me. “And it’s okay if you carry her with you too. It would be wrong if you didn’t, just like it would be wrong if I didn’t.

  “I don’t want you to want me because I’m like her or because I’m different. I want you to want me because I’m me.” Her voice cracks, but the lift of her chin is so brave it nearly breaks me.

  Stepping forward, I cup her face in my hands and kiss the tears streaking down her cheeks. Then I brush my lips across hers. I’ve always thought of her as so fragile, but right now I can feel her strength, and it’s bigger than mine. She’s steady under my touch. The art that’s better for having been broken. The phoenix who’s stronger after rising from the ash.

  “I got the tattoo for you,” I tell her, and I realize I could have told her that years ago. I should have. I shake my head, studying her in wonder. “Maybe I’m not the one you meant to save by running into that house, but you did. You saved me. And God, what I’d do to be able to stand here with you and believe I deserved it.”

  “Sebastian.” She takes my hand and guides it to her chest, pressing my palm flat against her steadily beating heart. “I am who I am in part because of my relationship with Martina. Just like you are who you are in part because of your relationship with your father. We can make mistakes and still deserve to be loved.” She holds my gaze. “We both have the scars to prove it.” She places her hand over mine and guides it back over the length of her scars. “How can you believe that I can be loved with these scars, that I can be beautiful with mine, but you cannot? Are yours less profound just because they’re on the inside?”

  My chest feels too full and too tight, and when I pull her against me and press my mouth to hers, something releases in me. It’s as if I’ve been chained to the ocean floor and I’m finally cut free from my tether.

  She slides her hands into my hair and parts her lips beneath mine. I back her onto the bed, never pulling my mouth from hers as I lower her down. “I love you.” I say it against her skin and into her hair and along every inch I touch.

  “I love you too,” she says when I settle over her. “Always have. Always will.”

  Epilogue

  Alexandra

  The spring art exhibition is packed, and my stomach is alive with nerves. For a girl who, seven months ago, had never shown her scars to anyone but her doctor, tonight isn’t just a step out of my comfort zone, it’s in an entirely different solar system.

  But even though I’m nervous and worried that people are going to look at me and know I’m the one in the photos, I’m also proud. For his fall semester photography class, Sebastian took those photos of me and put together the most beautiful album. When he showed it to me, I almost couldn’t believe I was the one in the pictures. It looked like me, of course, but the way the light hit my scars and the way he had me sit and stand, it all worked together, and for once I could see myself the way he saw me—as beautiful, as whole, as someone whose scars are as much a part of her beauty as the rest of her.

  It’s a big deal to be asked to be part of the visual arts art exhibition, and it’s rare that non-majors are given a spot. But Sebastian’s professor was so blown away by his work that she insisted his work be part of it.

  I’m proud of the way he put the pictures together and the way he represented my body in them. Somehow, he took dozens of pictures that tell a story about a scarred woman without glorifying the scars.

  “Girl,” Bailey says next to me. “You are hot.”

  My cheeks burn and I grin at her. “They’re not supposed to be sexy.”

  She arches a brow. “Tell that to all the boys who can’t keep their eyes off them. I think Sebastian’s gonna blow a gasket when he sees that puddle of drool in front of those freshmen.”

  I shake my head. “He knows who I’m going home with.”

  “I can’t believe the year is over.” She looks around, a bittersweet contentment on
her face, and I know how she feels. It’s been a good year, and it’s sad to see it come to an end. The guys made it to a bowl game for the second year in a row. They didn’t win, but they did great. More and more high-profile players want to play at BHU, and the stands were full of NFL scouts who might be the ones to give these guys the shots they crave so desperately.

  Mason, Arrow, and Chris all entered the draft in April and were all picked up. This is our last week all together before the three of them relocate and spread out across the country to train with their respective teams.

  “Are you doing okay?” I ask Bailey. Mia has decided to go to Chicago with Arrow and finish her degree through BHU’s distance program. Bailey may have encouraged this decision, but I know it kills her.

  “I’m great.” She smiles, but it’s not her normal Bailey smile. She’s been down lately, and I can’t help but think that might be in part to Mason’s impending move to Florida, where he’ll train with the Gulf Gators.

  Apparently whatever secrets Bailey has regarding Mason, she’s decided to take with her to her grave. Nothing’s changed between them, except that with each passing month, Mason’s pushed her away a little more.

  “God, would you look at that?” Bailey says when Keegan walks in with his baby girl in his arms. A group of girls rushes over to coo over his two-month old, and Keegan grins proudly. Not much has changed there, either. He’s still trying to make it work with Olivia, and she’s still avoiding any sort of meaningful contact with him. She lets him see the baby, thank God, but she’s kind of a mess.

  “Where’s the star of the show?” Bailey asks, looking around for Sebastian.

  “He’s in the hall talking to Maggie Thompson.” I grin, too damn proud to hold it back. “She wants to include his photography in the next exhibition at the New Hope Art Gallery. It’s really an amazing opportunity, and he could make some money if he decided to sell any of the photos.”

  “Is he going to sell these photos of you?”

  “Hell no,” Sebastian says, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. He kisses the side of my neck. “You doing okay?”

  “Surprisingly, yes.” I smile up at him. “You’re a star tonight. An artist and a stud on the football field. I don’t know how I’m going to keep the girls off you.”

  He grunts. “There’s only one girl here I’m interested in.”

  Bailey groans and backs away slowly. “You guys, I’m sorry. I’m happy for you but I can’t. I just can’t.”

  Sebastian nuzzles my neck, and I’m guessing it’s to hide his face, because I can feel his chest shake against my back as he chuckles silently. “I can’t wait to get you out of here,” he whispers in my ear when she’s gone.

  “Only one more week at Mr. Patterson’s, and then I have to move out.”

  “Oh, the things those animals are gonna see me do to you this weekend.”

  My whole body goes warm with laughter and joy and arousal. “I love you.” I spin in his arms so I can see his face.

  “I love you too.”

  “What are we going to do next year?” I loop my hands behind his neck. “I’m going to miss the guys when they go. And Mia. It’s made me think about us.”

  “Well, if I’m drafted—”

  “Which you will be,” I say.

  He shrugs. “You can do the distance thing like Mia is, or you can stay here if that’s what you want. I’ll come back as often as I can.”

  “We’ve been through rough waters, and I know we can handle anything that comes at us,” I say.

  “Of course we can.”

  “Even the unexpected?”

  “Even the unexpected.” He laughs. “What are you so worried about?”

  Sighing, I run my thumb over his jaw, my mouth dry with nerves and my pulse racing. “Even an unexpected baby?”

  His grin falls away, replaced by shock and then slowly by open-mouthed awe. “You’re pregnant?”

  “Remember when I had that stomach bug last month? I’m thinking it screwed up my birth control.”

  Now he’s outright grinning and shaking his head. “You’re gonna be so fucking beautiful with my baby growing in you.”

  I draw in a ragged breath. He couldn’t have said anything better. “I don’t want to ruin your plans.”

  “The only plans I have that matter are the ones where I’m with you.”

  “You have the best lines, Sebastian Crowe. Are you trying to pick me up?”

  He scoops me into his arms, and I screech and cling to his neck.

  “What the heck?”

  Everyone turns to stare at us, but he ignores them. “I’m picking you up,” he says, walking toward the door, “and I’m taking you home.”

  The End

  Thank you for reading Going Under, the third book in The Blackhawk Boys series. If you’d like to receive an email when I release Keegan’s story in book four, Falling Hard, please sign up for my newsletter. If you enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a review. Thank you for reading. It’s an honor!

  GOING UNDER Playlist

  “i hate u, i love u” by gnash, feat. Olivia O’Brien

  “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol

  “Something I Can Never Have” by Nine Inch Nails

  “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith

  “Jealous” by Labrinth

  “Drunk” by Ed Sheeran

  “Stay” by Mayday Parade

  “Closer” by The Chainsmokers and Halsey

  “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors

  “Don’t Wanna Know” by Maroon 5 and Kendrick Lamar

  “Cold Water” by Major Lazer, MO, and Justin Bieber

  “Say You Won’t Let Go” by James Arthur

  “Tenerife Sea” by Ed Sheeran

  Other Books by Lexi Ryan

  The Blackhawk Boys

  Spinning Out (Arrow’s story)

  Rushing In (Chris’s story)

  Going Under (Sebastian’s story)

  Falling Hard (Keegan’s story, coming summer 2017)

  In Too Deep (Mason’s story, coming fall 2017)

  LOVE UNBOUND

  If you enjoyed this book, you may also enjoy the books in Love Unbound, the linked series of books set in New Hope and about the characters readers have come to love.

  Splintered Hearts (A Love Unbound Series)

  Unbreak Me (Maggie’s story)

  Stolen Wishes: A Wish I May prequel novella (Will and Cally’s prequel)

  Wish I May (Will and Cally’s novel)

  Or read them together in the omnibus edition, Splintered Hearts: The New Hope Trilogy

  Here and Now (A Love Unbound Series)

  Lost in Me (Hanna’s story begins)

  Fall to You (Hanna’s story continues)

  All for This (Hanna’s story concludes)

  Or read them together in the omnibus edition, Here and Now: The Complete Series

  Reckless and Real (A Love Unbound Series)

  Something Wild (Liz and Sam’s story begins)

  Something Reckless (Liz and Sam’s story continues)

  Something Real (Liz and Sam’s story concludes)

  Mended Hearts (A Love Unbound Series)

  Playing with Fire (Nix’s story)

  Holding Her Close (Janelle and Cade’s story)

  _____________________________________

  Other Titles by Lexi Ryan

  Hot Contemporary Romance

  Text Appeal

  Accidental Sex Goddess

  Decadence Creek Stories and Novellas

  Just One Night

  Just the Way You Are

  About the Author

  New York Times and USA Today bestselling romance novelist Lexi Ryan is a former college English professor turned full-time writer. She lives in rural Indiana with her husband and two children. When not writing, she can be found lifting weights, reading copiously, hanging out with her family, and thanking her lucky stars.

  @writerlexiryan

  LexiRyanAuthor

/>   www.lexiryan.com

  writerlexiryan@gmail.com