“Glad you found your way here,” Ponytail guy said. Other people murmured and nodded, and Shane knew that whatever he’d done in the past, he wouldn’t be judged.
Margaret put a hand on his knee and gave it a squeeze when he sat back down. “Congratulations. You’ve taken the first step.”
He smiled back, feeling prouder of himself than he had in a long time. “You’re right. And I’m glad you’re here.”
They stood around after the meeting, chatting with fellow members. Before he left, they assigned him a mentor, someone he could call anytime, day or night. He hoped he didn’t need a lifeline, but it was reassuring to know it was there if he did.
In the weeks following the breakup Josh began acting out in class more than ever, and Lauren was called in to discuss his behavior.
Lisa Simpson, the counselor, sat her down, and gave her the disturbing news. “The other day he tripped a boy, and he’s been purposefully bumping into kids in the hallways.”
Lauren’s stomach clenched, and she felt a heavy weight on her shoulders. “That is so unlike him. He’s not a mean boy.” She glanced at Lisa. “I can’t bear for him to be so unhappy.”
“You did tell me that there has been a recent separation in his life. That could cause a boy like Josh to act out.”
Lauren sighed. “Yes. I know. He misses Shane dearly, now that he’s no longer a part of our lives. But he can’t be. He just can’t.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but do you have anyone else who can fill that role? An uncle, grandfather, friend of a friend?”
She shook her head. “We don’t have family here. No support system.”
“Studies indicate that having a male role model is very beneficial. Other students have been helped by the organization Brothers for Life.” Lisa crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair, never taking her eyes off Lauren. “I’m sure they could find you someone suitable. Would you like me to give you a number to call?”
Lauren quickly explained the Gary situation. “This is the reason I found Shane. I see him every day at work, and he’s always kind to everyone. Everyone loves him.”
“Could you possibly supervise the time they spend together?”
She didn’t want to discuss her own relationship with Shane, or the fact that she was in love with him, so she shook her head. “When he drank that night, he showed a side to his nature that I’d never seen before. I can’t chance that it will happen again.”
“I see.” Lisa leaned back in her chair and tapped a pen on her desk, looking pensive. “Well, I must say, I don’t have any answers either. How’s he doing on the new medication?”
“It seemed to help his concentration, but now with this latest development, I don’t know anymore. He throws tantrums, and when I talk to him, all he does is cry. If I mention Shane’s name, he becomes sullen and withdrawn.”
“Well, we’ll both keep an eye on him, and if you ever have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.”
Lauren stood up, they shook hands, and she left the school more dejected than ever.
Shane thought living with only one good hand had been difficult, but now he didn’t even have that. His own fault, of course. What had possessed him to beat his good hand to a pulp, and frighten the daylights out of Lauren in the process?
He did some soul searching and came up with an answer. After a full day of drinking, his demons had come out to play. As on so many occasions, the horrors of war had resurfaced, but because he was drinking, they’d been magnified. He remembered the long day, how he’d shivered and sobbed, beating his head against a wall to stop the memories from flooding his brain.
Like a kaleidoscope inside his head, flashes of his capture had resurfaced. He’d been riding in the back of a Humvee in a busy marketplace, when they’d been surrounded. An explosion went off, and still stunned by the blast, he’d been barely aware of men grabbing him, tying his hands, and blindfolding him. They dragged him off to a guerrilla training camp in some remote part of the desert. When they arrived, he had flailed wildly at his bearded, turbaned captors, and they’d retaliated by kicking him senseless.
They’d stripped him naked, pissed on him, and taken pictures of him bloodied, beaten, in handcuffs. At any moment he’d expected to die.
He survived by playing doctor in a primitive hut with no real medical supplies, only his instinct, a cool head, an element of skill, and, yes, luck. The luck ran out when a commanding officer was hit by a grenade. When he arrived, his guts were spilling out all over the place, and Shane was expected to put him back together.
He wasn’t a fucking doctor. He didn’t have the know-how to do what was expected of him. The officer died in that hut, and the bloodthirsty insurgents tortured him for days. Finally, tiring of that game, one guerrilla had taken his dagger and sliced off Shane’s hand, leaving the other so he could still be useful.
That was all in his past, and no excuse for his recent behavior. But it explained the poison inside him, and why someone like Lauren should stay clear. He needed to prove to himself and to her that a drunken episode like that would never happen again. Only then could he ask for her to take a chance on him.
That might take a miracle, though, and he was fresh out of them.
EPISODE SEVEN
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
The following weeks were mostly uneventful. Shane’s hand healed and he returned to work. He attended AA meetings three times a week, and he maintained a B average in his medical studies. He was back on track, but Lauren barely spoke to him in the ER; and outside of it, she wouldn’t give him the time of day.
Margaret accompanied him to most of the meetings, and people there thought they were a couple. Shane got an uncomfortable feeling that maybe she did too.
One evening, she linked her arm in his as they sat and listened to one of the speakers discussing the Big Book twelve-step study. They both had the night off and were there for a six o’clock meeting, and then planned on catching dinner afterwards.
During a lull in the lecture, she leaned in and whispered, “Hey, did you hear the news? Dr. Reynolds has been seen with Dr. Knowles. They have dinner together in the cafeteria nearly every night, and once I saw them getting into the same car in the parking lot.” Her voice rose in excitement. “It was a silver Bentley. The latest model, I think. Very classy.”
“No, I didn’t hear,” he answered grumpily. “But thanks for sharing.”
“You’re welcome. I don’t want you harboring any false hope. She refuses to talk about you. Lord knows I’ve tried, but she won’t let me utter a word in your defense.”
He didn’t respond, so Margaret added, “George Knowles is a very nice man. He’s been widowed for eight years, and I think they make a sweet couple. Don’t you?” She looked at his face. “No, of course you don’t.”
“I never liked the guy.”
“Why not? He’s not a condescending ass like a lot of the others. He’s very handsome and nice to everyone, actually quite pleasant. His wife had an aneurism when she was only thirty-two. Imagine. They didn’t have any children. So sad.” Margaret sucked in a breath. “Too bad he isn’t any taller. But it isn’t true, is it, that short men have short …” She clamped a hand over her mouth. “Oh, never mind.”
“I’m not worried about his equipment, or lack of it,” Shane answered sharply. “Fact is, he’s got no personality. When was the last time you saw him crack a smile, tell a joke, or do anything particularly interesting? He’s nice enough, I suppose, but about as exciting as marmalade.”
She laughed. “I hate marmalade.”
“My point exactly.”
“Well, thing is, she’s moved on, and so should you.”
“I’m not counting on getting back with her, if that’s what you mean. I need to get my head on straight before I’ll be good for any woman.”
“Your head looks pretty good to me.” She gave him a flirtatious smile. “Why don’t you come over to my house later and I’ll help you study?
I know Lauren used to do that.”
He swallowed hard. He couldn’t bear the thought of anyone other than Lauren being his study partner. The scent of her hair, the taste of her lips, the way she wrapped herself around him .…
“What are you thinking?”
He shut down the memory. “Nothing. I just don’t think it’ll work. Okay?”
“No, it’s not okay, but you’re my buddy, and I’m not going to turn my back on you, like someone else we both know.”
“Please don’t. This isn’t Lauren’s fault. I’m the one who screwed up.” He couldn’t look at her. “I still have feelings for her even if she won’t give me the time of day.”
Margaret’s mouth dropped open, and color rose on her plump cheeks. “Fine. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.”
“I’m sorry.” Shane took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “You’re a great friend, Maggie-pie, but if you ever get tired of hanging with me, just say so.”
She slid out of her seat. “Would you mind if I didn’t stay?” She blinked rapidly, as if fighting back tears.
“No problem. I’ll give you a ride.”
“No need to do that. You stay here, I’ll grab a cab.”
“I don’t want you running off this way.” He stood up, knowing his words had hurt her. He was sorry, and wanted to do what was right.
She shook her head. “Stay. I’m outta here.”
He knew it was useless to argue. “Be good, you hear?”
She laughed, and he knew that being good was not on her mind. Most likely, she’d hit the bars and find someone to take home.
A little acid indigestion roiled his stomach. He should stop her. That’s what a good friend would do.
“I’m going straight home. Don’t worry.”
He nodded, hoping she spoke the truth. Maggie was a good woman and deserved better than she got. Why couldn’t she find a nice man to fall in love with and marry? Not a guy who hung around bars looking for one-night stands. Someone safe, maybe even boring. Like George Knowles.
He ground his teeth. How could Lauren be dating somebody else so quickly? They’d been sleeping together only a couple of weeks ago, and now she was climbing into George’s Bentley with him?
What the hell had she been doing in that car anyway? In full view of the hospital? He hoped to God she hadn’t been making out.
One thing was for sure. He damn well intended to find out.
He drove straight over to the hospital, hoping to catch Lauren, George Knowles, or both. He needed to see for himself if Margaret was telling the truth.
Walking down the main corridor, he spotted his first person of interest. Knowles.
“Dr. Knowles. May I have a word with you?”
The doctor turned slowly and peered at him as if trying to remember his name. “You’re a medic here, right?”
At Shane’s nod, Knowles smiled pleasantly. “What can I do for you?”
Shane stuck out his hand. Might as well be cordial even though he’d prefer to pop the guy. “Name’s Shane Dawson.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. He couldn’t tell this fellow not to see Lauren anymore, not if he hoped she’d ever talk to him again.
“What do you wish to see me about?”
“Need to ask you something. Are you seeing Dr. Reynolds? Off-duty, I mean.”
“I don’t see that that is any business of yours.”
“I’m making it mine.” Shane said curtly. “It only requires a single response. Yes or no?”
The doctor looked him dead in the eye. “I have seen Lauren socially once or twice. What’s it to you?”
Shane’s gut clenched. He breathed in deeply, and sighed. “Take care of her, won’t you?” He felt a twitch in his jaw, but didn’t break eye contact. “Make her happy or step aside.”
“Lauren can be the judge of that.” Doctor Knowles marched past Shane, dismissing him as though he had no more importance than a fly.
Knowles had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth and had an Ivy League degree. He was solid, mature, and emotionally stable. The only real problem Shane had with him was the fact that he was probably a perfect match for Lauren.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Shane entered the ER and saw Lauren immediately. She shot him an angry look, then came over to his side. “Did you confront, Dr. Knowles?”
“I spoke with him,” Shane answered.
“He said you asked some questions about the two of us.” She glanced at him. “Why would you do that?”
“Is there a two of you?” His eyes held hers.
“That’s none of your business.” She folded her arms and looked away.
“Seems to be the standard reply. Knowles said the same thing. Now, if someone asked me if I was dating you, I’d be more up front. Would be happy for people to know.”
“What do you want, Shane?”
“I want you to forgive me. I’m doing well, going to AA. I have not even looked at a drink, nor do I want to.” His stomach churned and he felt a sharp pain in the region of his heart. How could he ever make it right with her? What could he say to make her trust him again?
She shrugged. “I’m glad to hear that, but whether I see Dr. Knowles or not is clearly not your affair. Please don’t interfere.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment, then blurted, “He’s probably exactly what you need, and if you care about him, then I’ll stand aside. But if there’s the slightest chance, just the slightest, then I’m going to fight for you.”
“I don’t want you fighting for me, or standing around waiting. I need to move on and so do you. What we had together was special, but I can’t risk it again.” She had a guilty expression on her face when she said it, but looked him square in the eye.
He had no intention of giving up easily and letting her run off with George. He’d already thrown her into one man’s arms, and look how that had turned out. “Remember I told you about that bike race at Monmouth, for the Wounded Warriors? It’s in three weeks, and I’d really love you and Josh to come along and support me.”
She touched his arm. “I’m glad you have something else to focus on besides me. It’s an amazing organization, and I’m pleased that you’ve stayed involved.”
“It’s my goal to work for them some day.”
Her expression softened, and she gave him a brief smile. “That’s wonderful, Shane. Make me proud.”
He intended to.
Lauren returned to the ER, and the everyday chaos helped put Shane out of her head. But when she returned home, Josh reminded her soon enough.
“Mom? Did Shane come into the ER? I called him when I got home from school and he said he spoke to you today. Did he, Mom? Did he?”
“Well, yes, but why did you call him, dear?” She felt chilled inside. “I asked you not to.”
“We didn’t talk about much. I just like talking to him.” Josh became agitated, scratching his arms, eyes darting everywhere.
“I know you do, honey, but please don’t call him again. He needs to focus on getting well. It’s best if we leave him alone for now. Understood?”
“I guess so.” Josh jumped up. “I have an idea. Why don’t we go bowling this weekend and ask Shane to come too? Bowling won’t make his sickness worse, will it?”
She smiled. “No. It won’t make it worse, but he needs to be alone right now to figure things out.”
“What kind of things?”
“Oh, the kind of things that are important to him.” She turned away, “But what are we talking about him for? You haven’t told me about your day. What happened at school? Anything new or fun?”
“No. Thomas wouldn’t play with me, and the other kids weren’t very nice. I hate school. Do I have to go tomorrow?”
“Oh, hon. You’re the best kid I know. I don’t understand why anyone is mean to you. Have you been nice to them?”
“Yeah. Mostly. But if they say bad things, I don’t like it. I took Bobby’s lunch and threw it into the garbage and then I had detentio
n. It wasn’t fair! It wasn’t my fault.” He started to cry. “Why are they so mean?”
She had no answer for that. “Why don’t we do something special this weekend? You want to go to a water park or go down to the boardwalk and play at the arcade? Won’t that be fun?”
“Yeah, okay. Wish Shane could be with us, though.”
Me too, she thought, but if he wanted to be a part of their lives again, he had some hard work and a lot of making up to do.
The following Saturday, Lauren and Josh went to the boardwalk and spent hours trying to win big prizes at the arcade. They had fish and chips and rented a single surrey and rode up and down, waving at everyone they passed. They ate ice cream cones, and took a paddleboat out too. The only thing marring the afternoon was Lauren’s realization that something was missing. Without Shane, neither one of them was happy.
She hadn’t cared deeply about anyone since her husband died, and even though she’d told herself a thousand times Shane was not hers for the keeping, she hadn’t truly believed it. A part of her had hoped that, given time, it would all work out.
It wasn’t in her nature to love someone a little. She’d always been an all-or-nothing kind of girl. And although Shane had never spoken words of love, he hadn’t needed to. She’d known his feelings ran deep. Just as she knew he was a good, kind man, a man of principle, someone worthy of love. He’d risked life and limb for his country and had paid a heavy price.
When would his torment end, when would he find peace? It seemed so unfair.
“Mom?” Josh said. “Can we go home now? I’m tired.”
“Me too.” She took his hand, and they walked toward the exit. “I’m sorry we didn’t win one of those panda bears, but we sure had fun trying.”
“Can’t we call Shane? I bet he’d win one of those bears. And other prizes too. We don’t have to see him all the time. Just once in a while.” He gave her a pleading look. “Please, please, please?”
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