Smoke. Fire. Cowboy (Cowboys of Nirvana Book 3)

by Carver, Rhonda Lee

  He’d caused her pain. He’d seen the emotion in her eyes when he lashed out unnecessarily at her—angry at himself for opening up. That should show her that he couldn’t be trusted.

  Rubbing his forehead, he wished he wouldn’t have gone to her office, then he wouldn’t feel like a jerk now. He’d still be flying high on the idea that a ray of sunshine shone down on his life.

  He heard wheels on the gravel and he turned as a Gator came his direction. Maverick was behind the wheel and he pulled over. “Need a lift, buddy?”

  Jared slipped into the passenger side and secured his hat on his knee so it wouldn’t fly off with the wind. He wanted to make the ride in silence, but Maverick had a different idea.

  “Don’t bottle all of the emotion up, son. It’ll only cause you harm.”

  Jared sniffed loudly. “Pot. Kettle. Black.”

  Maverick laughed, but he quickly sobered. “I guess you’re right. My wife, well, she was killed in a car accident.”

  Jared shifted in the seat. “I’m sorry.” Hell, what more could he say. “I wasn’t pressuring you into telling me anything.”

  “We had been arguing about something stupid, don’t even remember the details or the reason, but she was late for work and left in a hurry. I do remember what she was wearing and how her long hair glistened in the sun as she headed toward her car.” Maverick smiled, but it didn’t last long. “I never saw her again. I lived with enough regret and guilt that, for a long time, I didn’t want to go on—didn’t see the need. Why should a bastard like me live and a sweet woman like Sara die?” His voice turned thick.

  “Some questions don’t have answers.” Jared rubbed his aching jaw. He’d often wondered how his father hadn’t killed himself, or someone else, each time he got behind the wheel.

  “One evening I got on my horse, riding like a maniac, praying to God that he’d pull me out of my misery. I rode on and on. The fog had settled like a grey curtain and I could barely see, but I knew the land like the back of my hand. Realizing I was going nowhere fast, I slowed down as I came upon the edge of the property line. I’m not even sure how I saw it, but I did. Part of the guardrail on the bridge was missing. I investigated and what I saw changed my life. Sitting at the bottom of the creek was a car, rolled up against the side of the embankment, smoke billowing out of the front. I’d never moved so fast in my life as I raced down that hill, sliding most of the way and picking myself up.”

  “What happened?” Jared looked at the profile of his friend, shocked at what he was hearing.

  “It was a teenager, a girl. She was slumped over the wheel, blood in her hair and all over her face. I thought she was dead, but she whimpered. So low I thought I was imagining the sound. I carried her up that slippery hill, begging and pleading with God to save that young girl’s life. Hell, I didn’t know if He would be listening to me, a man who cared so little about life that it could have been me at the bottom of that creek.”

  “Did she live?”

  “She lived. In fact, we still keep in touch.” Some of the twinkle came back to his eye. “She’s a woman now, married, a baby on the way. I can tell you, I look at every day differently. It’s not always pleasant, and the pain is still there, but I believe everyone can learn from their past. You see, that was the promise I made to myself that day I saved her, if that young lady lived I’d never again take anything for granted.”

  Jared leaned into the seat, caught off guard. Maverick never talked about his life before Nirvana. “You have nothing to run from, my friend.”

  Maverick lifted a shoulder and let it slip. “Well, if I’m going to ask you to admit what in the hell you’re doing with Sofie, then I thought it might be best if I told you a little about myself first.”

  “Sofie and I are not—”

  Maverick held up a hand. “I don’t care what the details are, bro, but you’re playing with fire when it comes to her.”

  “I’m not going to hurt her.” Jared automatically shifted into defense mode.

  “Hell, that’s not what I’m thinking.” Maverick chuckled. “She’s going to hurt you and you’re going to stop being bullheaded and allow fate to run its course, or lose the best damn thing you’ve ever had your paws on.”

  “She won’t hurt me. I don’t have enough feelings to have them hurt. We’re not in this for a relationship.” His throat ached.

  “I saw the way you looked at her yesterday, buddy. I know that look. Hell, I saw that same expression recently on Chase’s face when he met Kaycee. There’s something about Nirvana. Puts a whole new spin on love.”

  Jared laughed. “Then you better keep your heart close and not worry about mine.”

  “Just be careful. Don’t do what you’d normally do.”

  “And what do you think that is?” Jared asked out of simple curiosity.

  “You run away.”

  Maverick pulled up in front of Jared’s cabin and let him out. “Does anyone else know?” he asked.

  “I don’t think so, but it’s not easy to miss.” Maverick dipped his hat and kicked up a cloud of dust as he took off.

  Once inside, Jared took a bottle of ibuprofen down from the cabinet, shook two tablets into his palm and popped them into his mouth. He bent over and drank water from the faucet, swallowing the pills. Hopefully the pain reliever would ease some of the stinging in his muscles, but he knew nothing could help the pain in his chest.

  Peering through the window, he watched as raindrops splattered against the glass. This wasn’t good weather for an outdoor gathering. A part of him hoped it would be cancelled, but a bigger part knew how hard Sofie had been working on planning the shindig and he didn’t want her disappointed.

  He wondered if anything would ever be the same?

  Not now that he’d touched Sofie.

  The rain stopped about as quickly as it started, leaving in its wake a bright, colorful rainbow stretching over the treetops. He smiled. The end of the rainbow seemed to stop right on top of the administrative offices.

  Was this a sign? Of what? He didn’t believe in that stuff. Yet, his eyes were glued to the sky and his mind was devoted to thoughts of Sofie.

  Pushing away from the counter, he grabbed two slices of bread and stuck them in the toaster. He needed something to help settle his stomach. He grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge and drank most of it by the time his toast was ready. Smothering it with a thick layer of jam, he took a big bite and swallowed when he noticed something shiny underneath his bed.

  Dropping his toast on a paper towel, he went to the side of his bed and lowered to his knees, retrieving the item along with a few dust bunnies. He stared at the delicate bracelet in his palm. Sofie must have dropped it that morning. He lifted each charm. A heart. A tag with the word Italy engraved into the metal. A horse. He lingered on the next, a new one he hadn’t seen before. A cowboy hat. He turned it over and read the inscription, “With a secret comes love.”

  He dropped down to his bottom and leaned against the mattress. His gut ached.

  Sofie had a hold on him. The unimaginable was happening. He had fallen.

  He could never go back to the meaningless, short-term, noncommittal encounters with women. He wasn’t even sure he could continue working at Nirvana. Life was changing. He wanted someone to talk to after a hard day on the land. How could he function knowing she was a few doors down from him and he couldn’t touch her—couldn’t have her.

  Sofie came out of nowhere. They didn’t really have anything in common, and yet they were so alike. Could they make things work?

  He reminded himself that most of what they’d shared over the last days had been physical. Nonetheless, he wasn’t acting out of impulse. There was a nagging in his chest that warned him this wasn’t just a passing fling.

  Standing, he dropped the bracelet on the table and went into the bathroom. His thoughts stayed with Sofie as he showered. He lifted his chin and the hot spray splattered like tiny needles against his forehead. He wished they would ooze
into his brain and wash away all of his doubts. He wanted to be a better man, wanted to see himself through Sofie’s eyes.

  ****

  Sofie wasn’t in a partying mood.

  She had no choice but to plaster on a fake smile and mingle with the staff members, pretending that life was good when she was forcing her brain to stop thinking of Jared and what happened between them earlier.

  “Hey, pretty lady. Why the frown?” Dodge was beside her, concern etching wrinkles around his eyes. She liked the cowboy. He was long away from his days as a football star and the injuries that had put him out of the game. His easygoing nature could always brighten others.

  “Was I frowning? I was only thinking,” she said.

  Dodge hooked his thumbs into his front pockets. “Are you ready for a new season?”

  No. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  “Gets a little crazy around here, especially with all of the changes, but I’m ready for some noise around these parts.” He dipped his hat. “Nice talking to you, ma’am. I’m going to go get me a slice of that hog before the boys make it disappear.”

  She watched him walk away and then her gaze met steely lasers focused on her. Jared watched her from afar. His tight jaw was tilted and his hat was pushed back on his forehead. Her body ached to walk up to him, wrap her arms around his neck, and pull him down for a kiss. Screw what anybody thought, but her feet were frozen to the ground. After their conversation in her office, she wasn’t sure what to think—or feel. He’d again pulled away.

  Her shoulders slumped and she removed her gaze. How could she fall for a man who was merely supposed to be a guilty pleasure? He was a treasure, an illegal drug wearing a wicked smile and a sexy come-hither look. He was charming enough to convince an ice cube into jumping into a glass.

  She looked up again and Jared was no longer standing at the corner of the barn. Darting her gaze around the growing crowd she finally spotted him heading into the shadows. Where was he going? He didn’t even have the decency to come over and say hello. Her throat tightened and she clenched her hands into tight fists. How dare he deliberately blow her off.

  Stomping after him, she continued on the worn path, determination spiraling through her. She wanted to give him a piece of her mind, prove to him, and to herself too, that he didn’t have a hold on her. No man would ever control her again! It didn’t matter that she craved his touch and could barely maintain the throbbing in her body. She could easily switch off the deep need she had for him pooling like lava into her core. Sure, she’d just turn it off.

  Then she spotted him and her willpower was shot to hell. He looked so handsome, so enticing sitting on a tree trunk with the moon’s bright haze lighting his profile. Walk away, Sofie. Go back. But she didn’t want to leave.

  He turned his head and saw her. One corner of his mouth lifted as he patted the space beside him. She wouldn’t be dragged in so easily. “Why aren’t you back at the party?” she asked.

  He shrugged. “Didn’t feel much up for partying. Why aren’t you there?” He flashed a smile that made her knees weak.

  “I saw you.”

  “And?”

  “I came out here to tell you…” Could she mold the words on her tongue? Fire them off her trembling lips? She wasn’t sure, but she needed to take a seat before her knees weakened.

  Sitting next to him, his warmth consumed her. His leather, masculine scent whirled her senses. He placed the beer bottle he held next to the trunk, stretched his legs and their knees brushed. The bulge in his crotch couldn’t be ignored, especially when her body screamed to screw logic, fall to her knees and take him into her mouth. What was wrong with her? Never before had she been thrilled about giving fellatio. That was with Luther who would practically choke her and pull out her hair when he was inside of her mouth. Giving Jared pleasure was different. He allowed her to set the pace.

  She pulled her gaze upward on the nice fit of the new button down shirt that was left open at the top, revealing a sliver of smooth chest. He dragged off his hat and laid it next to his hip. His thick hair was in disarray as if he had crawled from bed and left. He turned his cheek toward her and his piercing eyes seemed to seep into her very core.

  Her heart beat accelerated and swirls of sweet familiar sensations scattered from her stomach into her loins. This man had many different angles that she found exciting. She wasn’t prepared for a man like Jared, had no clue how to handle the mystery and his darker side. Turning her gaze to the moon, she stared at the blue globe, mesmerizing over how beautiful it was—a lover’s moon. She should go. Not walk, but run away. Oh, but in proper Sofie reasoning, she didn’t move a muscle. She came to end this with him—whatever this was, it had to end before she lost herself.

  She shifted, prepared to tell him her thoughts when she spotted his wicked smile. “What?”

  “You have something rolling around in that pretty little head of yours.” He laughed a rich, deep sound that could have hypnotized a rock.

  “Yes, I do.” Okay, this was the first step. She could do this. She opened her mouth but her vocal cords failed her.

  He laid his hand on her arm and heat swirled through her veins. She started to move, but he put pressure on her, gentle pressure. An invisible chain broke and the reason why she followed him out here was slowly fading. “Spit it out, beautiful.”

  Oh for heaven’s sake. Just say the words. How difficult can it be? “I-I think this is a bad idea.”

  “You sitting here with me?” he asked.

  “Yes, that and…”

  “This?” He brushed the back of his knuckles across her cheek and her skin flamed.

  “That for sure.” Her voice shook.

  “If it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right?” He leaned in, lifted her hair, and kissed her neck. She stiffened and pressed her inner thighs tighter. She had an urgency to grab his beer bottle and hold it between her legs to help with the scorching heat.

  “Something so right can’t be right.” Wait? What had she said? That wasn’t what she meant. His mouth lowered to her collarbone. She couldn’t think.

  He chuckled against her skin, his warm breath heating her. “You worry too much.”

  “And you don’t worry enough.” She tried focusing on her words as his mouth continued to wreak havoc on her body.

  “I was an ass earlier. I overreacted.”

  She stilled and pulled away, looking at his face for any signs of humor or joking. “Come again?”

  “Oh, I plan to…again and again—” his soft, seductive voice honed in on all of her desires. But she couldn’t take the on/off behavior..

  “What did you say about being an ass? That’s not something you just throw into a conversation and forget.”

  He heaved a sigh, as if invisible binds had broken. “I tend to pull away when I get too close.”

  “And why is that, Jared?” She touched his cheek, the stubbles rasped her fingers.

  “Sweetheart, there are things that you don’t need to know. Things I’m not proud of. Maybe you don’t understand.”

  She dropped her hands into her lap, entwining her trembling fingers. “This isn’t about who has the sorriest story to tell, but life hasn’t always been so charitable for me either.”

  “You had an ex that fucked around on you. His loss,” he growled.

  “But that’s the least of it.” She blew out a long breath. “From the time I met Luther he charmed his way into my life, and into my pants. I allowed him to change my life, change me. For years, I was the dutiful wife, cooking, cleaning and living out his wildest dreams in bed. The instant I asked for a child I saw a transformation in him. I figured he wasn’t ready, needed more time to travel, but the fact that he was ten years older than me had me wondering how much more sewing of his oats did he need. Then my eyes were opened. His lover walked in while Luther and I were having sex. Talk about your irony. Wouldn’t you think she would have been embarrassed, humiliated? No, not Janelle. You’d believe she had walked in
on us playing cards. She stood there, obnoxious and loathing, and began to read me my rights.” She swallowed the acid building in her throat. “He was planning to ask me for a divorce that day, but got sidetracked by my three-inch heels.”

  “That bastard. Had he lost his mind? I hope you took him for every penny.”

  She shook her head, sending a tendril of hair from the chignon. “I moved out of our home only carrying two bags. Janelle moved in the same day I left.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. He didn’t deserve you.” Jared took her hand into his, linking their fingers. She felt so safe here with him.

  “That’s not the worst part still. She was pregnant.” Once the words were out, a huge weight lifted from her chest. She had nothing to be ashamed of. She’d only been guilty of loving Luther.

  Jared blinked and his lips thinned, but he didn’t say a word.

  “He called me recently. She lost the baby and she left him.”

  Jared rubbed his chin. “Ain’t karma a bitch?”

  “It certainly works its magic.” She smiled. “Whatever it is you think I can’t handle, trust me, I can. If this is all that we get, sex, then I can’t do this any longer. I’m not built to keep my feelings at bay.”

  “So you really meant what you said earlier?” One brow lifted.

  “Come on, Jared. Tell me that you don’t feel something between us. A mesmerizing draw, an emotion? If you say you don’t feel it, then I’m a bigger fool than I first believed.” Her deepest, darkest fears came to the surface. She hungered for him, but for more than just sex. She craved to have his arms wrapped around her, comforting her when times were tough. Hear sweet nothings whispered into her ear. She ached to feel his love encompassing her. Have him make love to her every night.