Plays from Vault

by Florence Keith-Roach

  Well CVs aren’t really on-brand for me anyway

  I’m more interested in people’s vibes than the jobs they’ve done before meeting me.

  LUCY rips up the CV.

  So maybe you could describe your vibe to me in a few words?

  ROSIE

  My vibe?

  I’m sorry I don’t really understand

  Could you –

  What exactly do you mean?

  LUCY

  Okay no sure

  So currently my team is made up of girls with vibes that really complement each other

  Cressy’s vibe is that she’s super-creative with budget and always manages to make things beautiful super-cheaply.

  Ahm Marni’s vibe is that she’s the intern,

  And of course my vibe is that I’m super-organised and super-busy

  So how do you think your vibe could complement and fit in with the rest of the team’s?

  ROSIE

  Okay

  Um they all sound like they’ve got great vibes

  Mine I guess is more

  Well I suppose my vibe would be kind of –

  I’m really organised

  LUCY

  No that’s my vibe.

  ROSIE

  Sorry

  Okay um well I’m really good at working well under pressure

  And being on time

  And also included in my vibe is –

  I make a great cup of tea

  LUCY

  I actually only drink Nespresso.

  Okay okay Rosie

  Cool

  Interesting

  Yah so the thing is

  My brain’s full

  Isn’t it Timmy?

  And we’re just so busy aren’t we Timmy?

  I’m swamped at work at the moment you know

  We’ve got things in pre-production, filming and in post all at the same time

  And poor Timmy is run off his feet

  So we need someone who can just

  Be our brain

  You know

  Make sure we have food in the house

  Organise our travel

  Look after our property

  And sometimes I’ll need you more and then other times Timmy will need you won’t you Timmy?

  So it will just depend on what’s going on and who needs you more you know

  One day you could be on set with me

  The next you could be flying to Bali with Timmy

  But I guess –

  Oh no Timmy go on

  Were you going to say something?

  No okay

  Well I was just going to say

  We’re really fun

  Aren’t we Timmy?

  And we want you to have fun working with us you know

  And hopefully you can learn something from us you know

  And it’s not all work and no play

  We have the summer social of course when we all go to Glastonbury

  And we like to treat you all occasionally don’t we

  Timmy?

  I mean for example

  This year we took the girls to a jelly-sculpting class

  It was really immersive

  We work hard but we play even harder don’t we

  Timmy?

  Okay great, well I guess we should order an Uber then Rosie and head back to the office

  Got to start blending your vibe with the rest of the team

  Timmy can you please get a haircut today

  I won’t take you away at the weekend until you’ve had a haircut

  Don’t you think he needs a haircut Rosie?

  ROSIE

  Um welll –

  LUCY

  Exactly

  Now off you go bubsy

  Love you

  Do you love me?

  Bubsy do you love me too?

  Good now off you go

  Straight to the hairdressers’.

  4.

  We’re in LUCY’s office. There is a swivel chair and a desktop keyboard that sits on the actor’s lap while they are on the chair. [In the original production, the swivel chair moved each time the character changed to represent where they sat in the office.] MARNI is ‘Valley Girl’ American and CRESSY is posh British.

  MARNI

  And then I was like really?

  You know I have a lot of issues around Chipotle and you’re gonna say that to me?

  Like what an A-hole.

  CRESSY

  Yah totally.

  He’s such an arsehole.

  You really should drop that like a hot potato and run a mile Marn.

  MARNI

  I feel like he doesn’t respect my energy

  He doesn’t respect my passions

  And he isn’t even committed to my chakra

  CRESSY

  No.

  Fuck that shit.

  MARNI

  Like if I want to bless the energy above our bed before we make love

  I should be able to do that.

  He just needs to practise patience

  You know?

  CRESSY

  Absofuckinglutely.

  Whilst we’re on that, can you give me an update on our Christmas social.

  Are we doing the reiki healing workshop or the sound bath?

  MARNI

  Okay

  So I’m pushing to do both because I feel like a sound bath is the ultimate way to follow a reiki healing workshop

  But Lucy is like only gonna pay for one

  Cos she and Timmy have got this new assistant or whatever

  And apparently we have to include her or something

  CRESSY

  Oh

  That’s disappointing

  Why does she have to come

  She’s new

  MARNI

  I know they are my exact same feelings

  But like she’s already invited her or whatever

  CRESSY

  Ugh that’s really inconvenient for me,

  I’ve been looking forward to that sound bath since

  Glastonbury

  MARNI

  I know right she sounds awful

  ROSIE

  Sorry is this Lucy’s office?

  CRESSY

  Who’s asking?

  ROSIE

  Sorry

  Rosie

  Hi

  I’m Lucy and Timmy’s new assistant

  MARNI

  Oh my god Rosa

  Come in

  Make yourself comfortable

  So great to meet you

  Welcome

  How are you?

  ROSIE

  Great thanks, it’s Rosie, lovely to meet you

  CRESSY

  (Clearly not impressed by ROSIE.)

  Oh Rosa

  Hi

  We’re so glad to have you on board

  MARNI

  Yah we’re like so excited to have you here or whatever

  Let me give you the tour

  So over there we have the creative pod where we have our weekly brain dump and sometimes we have our morning meditation in there too

  Then in the corner we have the juice bar

  That’s just a help-yourself kinda thing

  And the yoga studio is downstairs

  Joss runs classes daily at 7 a.m.

  She’s a gentle soul and a really grateful yogi so don’t miss out

  Let me or Cressy know if you have any questions whatsoever

  Right Cress?

  CRESSY

  Yeah, ask me anything

  As long as I’m not on the phone, or talking to

  Marn, or looking at my laptop, or texting.

  Otherwise, fire away.

  I should probably say we also don’t really allow food at the desk space so if you are going to eat that falafel, please eat it outside

  Juice is fine.

  I sit next to Lucy,

  Marni sits next to me,

  And there’s no room next
to Marni,

  So you can have the spare desk.

  ROSIE

  Okay thanks

  I’ll just –

  Where should I put this –

  MARNI

  Oh the ukulele is mine

  And that coconut water should be in the fridge

  But you can just dump the box of slinkys somewhere else.

  Lights down.

  5.

  ROSIE

  Things Lucy has said to me in the last twenty-nine minutes…

  Rosie did you order the lip sofa?

  Rosie did you find a non-homogenised-milk supplier?

  Rosie did you fish this water out of the Thames?

  It’s foul.

  Rosie have you dealt with the glitter balls?

  Rosie are you aware all the office plants are dying?

  Rosie you look like death

  Rosie what’s that smell?

  Oh it’s your perfume.

  Rosie my phone’s broken

  Rosie I need a sexy Hallowe’en costume

  Rosie we need a second office Nutribullet

  Rosie I’m worried about you but also where’s my coffee?

  Okay no I don’t want it any more.

  6.

  We’re back at Shoreditch House with LUCY and ROSIE. They are having a meeting and waiting for WREN to arrive.

  LUCY

  Okay and where are we with the restaurant for tomorrow?

  ROSIE

  So we have a few options, I have four places that are within walking distance from the hotel, they all have vegan options but also several red meat options.

  LUCY

  Let me see?

  ROSIE hands LUCY an iPad.

  No, we need somewhere bigger,

  I’ve been to all those places and none of them are big enough.

  ROSIE

  Well this one has a capacity of two hundred; it’s set over two floors and has three menus to choose from –

  LUCY

  No I don’t think you understand, Rosie.

  When I say this is a big client,

  What I mean is he is a large client,

  He isn’t small,

  He is big,

  What I’m saying is we need to find somewhere with booth seating.

  ROSIE

  Oh I see so it’s not the size of the restaurant?

  LUCY

  No! God I thought I made that quite clear, we just need to find somewhere within a four-minute walk from his hotel, that has booth seating and a vegan option for his wife and lots of meat options for him.

  I’m not asking for the moon here.

  ROSIE

  No okay well that’s clear now.

  LUCY

  So we ended up casting Wren Baker as the hero girl in next week’s commercial.

  Last-minute success thanks to me!

  She’ll be here any minute.

  Her agent’s just got in touch,

  We need to get her a green juice before she arrives and make sure we’re sitting near a window but also away from the light.

  Can you sort that out?

  Great.

  ROSIE

  (Breaking character.)

  Again, this is where Paul, my dad’s lawyer, suggests

  I change the names of a few key characters,

  All for a pastry that cost more than your ticket tonight.

  Wren wasn’t even his idea,

  That was all me,

  I could be a lawyer.

  LUCY

  I think this chat will really just be to put her mind at rest you know assure her that we are here for her and that there’s nothing to worry about.

  She’s very busy,

  In super-high demand,

  We’re very lucky to have got her.

  So we need to make her feel welcome

  And appreciated

  And like we’re on her side et cetera et cetera

  You’ve seen her work right?

  ROSIE

  Um sorry what was her name?

  LUCY

  Wren.

  Wren Baker.

  ROSIE

  Oh no I’m not sure

  I would probably recognise her face –

  LUCY

  Oh give me strength –

  Come on Rosie!

  You seriously don’t know who she is?

  You would recognise her.

  She has one of those faces.

  But she’s also a really big fucking deal in the industry.

  Very highly respected.

  She’s like Joaquin Phoenix you know –

  Crazy,

  Slightly strange-looking.

  But incredibly talented.

  She’s like a female Joaquin Phoenix.

  Fucking nightmare, she’ll drive you crazy but it’s worth working with her for the kudos you know.