Plays from Vault

by Florence Keith-Roach

  Because of course the other option is to just do something altogether more modern and non-traditional and not have a roast?

  I could just do something from what’s-his-name

  Ottellangy or whatever he’s called –

  You know the one with all the herbs?

  And then it wouldn’t feel odd would it?

  And anyway that’s more summery.

  Don’t really feel like a roast when it’s hot do you?

  Then again you never can rely on the weather in

  July really can you?

  What do you think?

  ROSIE

  You know what Mum,

  I really don’t give a flying fuck what you cook for the Talbots,

  I probably won’t be there.

  Can’t you just deal with this yourself?

  MUM

  There’s no need to take that tone with me young lady –

  You’ve made yourself quite clear,

  I won’t bother you any more.

  ROSIE

  Well I’m sorry but I just have bigger things to be worrying about –

  MUM

  No don’t apologise if you don’t mean it.

  I’m sure you’ve got much more important things to be worrying about,

  I’ll stop wasting your time

  And by the way,

  It was your dad’s birthday yesterday.

  Would have been nice if you’d have at least sent him a card –

  ROSIE

  Fuck

  Mum

  We hear the sound of an incoming call on ROSIE’s phone.

  Timmy is calling and I have to pick up –

  I’m hanging up now –

  TIMMY

  Hi Rosa

  It’s Timmy.

  Are you on your own?

  Great.

  Where’s Luc?

  Okay good.

  Look sugar I need you to do me a little favour.

  Yah so the thing is my nest is empty.

  Yah my nest.

  It’s empty.

  Yah no the eagle has flown the nest.

  And I need you to fill it.

  Do you see what I’m saying darling?

  I need you to fill it with another eagle or a beak or even some eggs but I’d prefer a beak.

  To fill my nest.

  Are you catching my drift?

  Oh come on Rosa!

  Try a bit harder.

  I need some beak.

  I need you to get me some –

  To fill my nest.

  I need you to buy me some cocaine okay.

  Not a lot –

  Just a little dab for me.

  And I’d appreciate it if you don’t bother Lucy with this.

  She doesn’t need to know about this.

  Just between you and I okay?

  This is what I need you to do,

  This will require you to buy some hummus,

  I need you to get the charlie,

  And Sellotape it to the bottom of the hummus pot okay?

  And then I need you to put it in the fridge right at the back behind the cornichons okay?

  And when you’ve done that I need you to text me saying these exact words ‘Hello Timmy, I’ve got the hummus do you need anything else?’

  And then just make sure you’re out of the house by the time I get back okay?

  Great.

  Thanks sugar.

  You’re one of the good ones.

  Okay bye

  Bye bye bye bye bye.

  ROSIE’s phone starts ringing seconds after

  TIMMY hangs up, she picks up.

  WREN

  Hi

  I forgot to say earlier

  This Marni girl,

  Who is she?

  ROSIE

  She works in the production office,

  She’s a part of Lucy’s team,

  I think she’s an intern,

  Why has she been bothering you?

  WREN

  She’s American.

  She’s awful.

  I can’t tell what she’s saying

  And she talks far too fast.

  I need you to get her to stop.

  I don’t want to have to deal with her again,

  Make sure she knows,

  Also I’ve lost my passport.

  And my credit card.

  Can you cancel all the Coutts cards?

  Okay I’ve got to go,

  My babies need me.

  We hear WREN hang up.

  MARNI is sitting on her swivel chair again.

  MARNI

  Rosa,

  What has more carbs in it

  An apple

  Or a banana?

  Because I need to organise my snacking

  It’s been pretty chaotic recently

  And I feel like it’s weighing me down

  Also, be honest

  Do you think I’ve let my eyebrows go?

  I’ve been trying to let them grow out a bit

  And get a bit bushier

  Because I’m really into Lily Collins’ look

  But I think it might be veering towards Cara

  Delevingne

  And I don’t want to look that feral

  Rosa?

  Pay attention!

  ROSIE

  Sorry –

  I think they look great.

  I’m not sure about the carbs.

  But look Marni,

  Could I have a quick word?

  Thanks.

  Yeah it’s nothing –

  I just need to –

  Wren has just asked me to,

  No you haven’t done anything wrong – it’s more –

  Look.

  Could you –?

  Would you mind just –

  Not looking at her,

  Or talking to her,

  Again,

  Please.

  Don’t ask why –

  It’s not your fault.

  Oh god, don’t cry!

  MARNI has lost it, she’s crying.

  MARNI

  What is it?

  Am I too full-on or something?

  Is that it?

  ROSIE

  Really.

  It’s just –

  She’d prefer it if you didn’t –

  Talk or look at her.

  Okay?

  Thanks.

  MARNI

  Am I annoying or something?

  What is it?

  ROSIE

  Sorry.

  Just come to me next time,

  If you need anything.

  Look,

  Have a tissue.

  MARNI

  I mean it’s who I am

  What can I do?

  My ex always said I was too intense –

  ROSIE

  Have a tissue and go to the toilets and just cry for a minute.

  Just cry.

  And then come back out here and continue the great work you’re doing with the snacks,

  Just don’t look at her okay?

  Thanks.

  ROSIE is back on the swivel chair with the keyboard and two phones, one on either ear, one should be the type of phone that would connect to a plug socket. The conversations should alternate between phones.

  She is frantically typing.

  This sequence could be over music or a beat.

  At the end of every phone conversation we hear the dial tone as the other person hangs up.

  Hi is that Feather and Black?

  Yeah can I speak to someone about getting a delivery today?

  No I know

  It’s just it said on your website that you were able to –

  Hello?

  Hi Bobby!

  It’s Rosie,

  From school?

  From Community?

  Yeah you know we used to sit next to each other in biology –

  Bobby do you still sell drugs?

  Bobby?

  Hello?

&
nbsp; Hi there

  What are the chances of you doing a bed delivery in the next two hours?

  Slim?

  Hello

  Ikea?

  Xanthe

  How ARE you?

  It’s Rosie,

  From dancing,

  You know we used to do ballet together

  Yeah yeah exactly!

  I’m sorry about that

  I didn’t mean it,

  I was just insecure.

  Girls can be mean at that age,

  I’m much nicer now.

  Fair enough –

  Hi yeah are you still able to deliver today?

  Even if we paid you more?

  I mean I could pay extra –

  I just really need a bed delivery this evening.

  No I’m not joking.

  Stop laughing.

  It’s not funny.

  That’s really fucking rude.

  Hi Ralph

  How’s the anthropology going?

  …Sorry Ralph I’m gonna have to just stop you there

  I’m just in a bit of a rush –

  Well actually, I was wondering, this is really awkward but –

  Are you still into taking stuff

  When you’re out

  Well I don’t know, like coke for instance?

  Ralph?

  ROSIE is trying to open a bottle of water whilst on the phone, it’s fizzy water and explodes all over her when she opens it, water covers the phones and ROSIE is electrocuted. We hear a load crack, flash of white and then into blackout.

  FUCK!

  ARGH

  FUCK

  Oh my god

  Fucking

  Ow

  Ow.

  There is a moment still in blackout when we just hear ROSIE in pain. She doesn’t realise what’s happened to her yet and is in a lot of pain and trying to stand up when her mobile rings. ROSIE’s voice is shaky and weak until the end of the scene.

  The rest of this scene is said in blackout.

  Hi

  Lucy

  LUCY

  Where the fuck have you been?

  Did you decide to take a fucking holiday or something?

  Did you think now was a good time to do that whilst we’re all running around with our arses on fire in the office?

  Did you get lost in Whole Foods or something?

  I’ve been wearing a scarf round my face all day.

  It smells like something died in here.

  ROSIE

  No –

  God.

  Lucy –

  Sorry I haven’t been in touch,

  I’ve –

  I think I’ve just been –

  I just had a really bad shock –

  LUCY

  Rosie what are you talking about?

  I don’t have time to hear your –

  ROSIE

  I was just on the phone,

  And the water,

  And then

  I just

  It was such a shock

  The apartment is black

  I think I’ve tripped a fuse or –

  LUCY

  What?

  Oh this is a major fuck-up.

  How did this happen?

  What were you doing?

  Rosie I actually can’t believe this.

  Wren is arriving in half an hour with her children and she’s going to want to make them dinner and bath them and put them to bed and there’s no fucking electricity?

  Be quiet.

  Stop crying.

  I knew this job was too much for you.

  Get on the phone with her agent

  Find an emergency electrician

  I don’t care what you do but you need to sort it out before she gets there.

  Yah bye.

  Lights slowly fade up on ROSIE sat on the floor, covered in water and her right arm and hand, up to her shoulder, is entirely black.