by Nikki Paris
Charlie shook her head, glaring at me. “They’ll get over it, Burke. They’ll forgive us, but if you fucking walk away from me right now, I won’t forgive you.”
I closed my eyes against the tears that hovered behind them. I’d only cried twice in my adult life—the day Tess was born and the day I accepted defeat and let my marriage end. I pushed the tears back and opened my eyes. “Charlie, I’m so damn sorry. I never should have touched you in the first place. I took things from you that were never mine to take, and I wish like hell I could turn back the clock and never hurt you.”
Charlie blinked those blue, soulful eyes at me and shook her head. “I don’t believe this.” She folded her arms and took a few steps backward, putting more cold distance between us. “You didn’t take anything, asshole. I gave it to you.”
I stared down at the dirty snow that lined the sidewalk. I couldn’t meet her piercing gaze. “I’m sorry, cutie.”
Charlie scoffed. “Don’t cutie me. Hey!” She snapped her fingers. “Fucking look me in the eye while you’re ripping my heart out! Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to make this work. Look me in the eye and tell me it’s over, Burke!”
It was the last thing on earth that I wanted to do, but it would be better for her. She needed her family more than she needed me. I lifted my eyes and let them settle on her perfect face. “It’s over, Charlie.”
I watched the light leave her gorgeous eyes. She nodded and turned to walk away. When she let out a sob, I forced myself to stay put. It would do no good to chase after her and pull her into my arms. If I did that, I would take it all back and beg her to love me as much as I loved her. I would promise her my life and the fucking moon just to see that pretty smile.
But that pretty smile wasn’t mine anymore.
Right before she got into her car, Charlie called out to me, “Tell Tess I’m sorry. Tell her I’ll miss her every day and that she’s right. Pink is better than purple. And she’s keeping the teddy bear and the Christmas ornament. Don’t you dare fucking try to give those back to me. They’re for her. They’re not yours to shove back in my face!” Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her face twisted up in agony. Charlie let out one more sob and then climbed into her car, slamming the door.
After she drove away, I let a tear fall for the third time in my adult life. Losing Charlie was something to cry over.
24
Charlie
When I came down the stairs twelve hours after Burke ripped my heart to shreds, Bea gaped at me. “Charlie, are you serious? It was Evan’s bartender the whole time?”
“God, Bea. Not now!” I didn’t need this bullshit from her. I stormed past her into the kitchen. I wasn’t hungry. I honestly felt like I never wanted to eat again, but I was thirsty from all the damn tears. I filled a glass with water and downed it in one long gulp.
Bea stood on the other side of the island, watching me like a deer in headlights. “Charlie-girl, he was way too old for you! Evan says he’s thirty-five! And you were having sex with him!”
“Fuck, Bea!” I yelled. “I said not now! My heart is fucking broken! Give me a god-damn break!” I slammed my glass down on the counter so hard that it cracked and broke. The broken glass sliced into my skin, and red bloomed and dripped from my palm.
Bea gasped and frantically grabbed a handful of paper towels and rushed me. “Charlie-girl. Oh my god, honey!” She gripped my hand in the paper towels as another round of sobs washed over me. “I’m sorry. I won’t say another word. Let me see if you need stitches.” She peeled back the blood-soaked paper towel and winced. “Let’s rinse it so I can see how deep it is.”
I yanked my hand from her grasp. “I don’t need you to take care of me. I’m not a child!” I rinsed my wound and bandaged it myself while Bea watched with wide eyes. Next, I scooped the broken glass into the trash and snapped at my sister, “See? I’m a big girl who can clean up my own damn messes.” Then I headed for the stairs, ready to let myself drown in my heartbreak for another twelve hours.
The front door flew open before I could escape, and my stupid brother stood there. “Charlie,” he began.
“Don’t. Say. A. Word.”
◆◆◆
A week later, Matteo forced me to come to his Valentine’s Day party.
“Why the actual hell do you think that’s going to be a good idea, Mattie?”
He pulled me into his arms and said, “Because the best way to get over a man is to get under another! Get drunk and have wild, dirty rebound sex.”
I already knew I wasn’t going to do that, but I showed up at Matteo’s house an hour before the party started anyway. It was better than hanging out at home, where my mom and Bea watched me like hawks with pity and worry in their eyes.
Matteo grimaced when he pulled open the door and saw me. “Yikes, Charlotte. Your aura is going to scare everyone away before the party even starts!”
“Good.” I deadpanned and stepped into his living room. It was full of red, pink, and purple hearts and more glitter than anyone ever needed.
Matteo pulled me in for a hug and kissed my forehead. “I made you lemon cupcakes, even though they are so off theme.”
“Thanks, Mattie.”
“You bet, sweetheart.”
Ugh. Burke always called Tess sweetheart, and it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. They were probably out having their adorable daddy-daughter Valentine’s Day dinner right now, the one that I was supposed to attend where Burke and I told her we were dating. Fuck. My. Life.
“Have you heard a word from him?” Matteo’s voice was soft as he slid his arm around me and walked me into his kitchen.
I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat. About three days ago, I caved and texted that I missed him. Burke never responded.
“It’s going to be okay, beautiful.” Matteo gave me a sad smile.
I let out a dry laugh and reached for one of the lemon cupcakes sitting on his kitchen counter. “Do you ever get tired of telling me that?”
Matteo grinned and shook his head. “Never. Do you know why?”
I blinked back my tears. “Why?”
“Because you are an incredible person who’s had to deal with more than your fair share of shit in the last few years. Also, because you’ve loved and accepted every fabulous bit of me from the second we met, and that’s pretty rare.”
A tear slid down my cheek, and I wiped it away with a smile. “I do love every bit of your fabulous self. And what do you mean that’s rare? Everyone loves you.”
Matteo rolled his eyes at me. “There’s a difference between loving my stories and parties and actually loving me. You love the Matteo that worries about impressing stupid people and disappointing my parents. You love the loser that cries during animal shelter commercials and can’t get off the couch on Sundays.”
I took a bite of the lemon cupcake and spoke with my mouth full. “I do love Mattie the anxious couch potato. He’s my fav.” I slid my arm around his shoulder and pressed my cheek against his. “I’m not going to cry anymore tonight, okay? Is Jonah coming?”
“Yeah, honey. He’ll be here in about twenty minutes. I think we’re going to have the sex talk tonight.” Matteo grinned at me and crossed his fingers.
I meant to say, “Yay!” But a sob came out instead.
“Baby girl!” Matteo pulled me in for another hug. “I’m sorry. That was shitty of me to flaunt my relationship right now.”
“No, no, it wasn’t. It’s shitty of me to drag you down when you’re trying to be happy. I’ll pull it together.”
“It’s okay, hun. I’ll keep an eye on you tonight. Promise.”
◆◆◆
Several lemon cupcakes and a glass of sparkling pink champagne later, Matteo’s Valentine’s Day party was in full swing. His living room and kitchen were packed, and I was starting to feel claustrophobic and panicked.
I didn’t see him come up behind me, and the sound of his voice made me cringe. “So, where’s your grandp
a boyfriend, Charlie?” Simon laughed and draped his arm over my shoulders.
Ugh. Of course he was here again. I shrugged him off and kept walking. I didn’t want to get drunk, but maybe another glass of champagne would help me deal with all these idiots.
“I heard he dumped you. Just another hit it and quit it kinda guy.”
I clenched my jaw and bit my tongue until it almost bled. Where the hell did Matteo go? If he was anywhere other than sealing the deal with Jonah, I was going to murder him for leaving me alone.
“Why were you fucking an old dude anyway? You know you can do way better than that, right? You know you could have any guy at this party, don’t you, Charlie?” Simon placed his body squarely in my path, blocking my escape. “Namely, me.”
My control collapsed under the weight of my rage. “Shut the fuck up, Simon! You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
Simon laughed and rubbed his jaw. “Oh, I see, you’re just another little girl with daddy issues.”
My hands formed fists at my sides. This motherfucker didn’t know when to quit. “Get the hell out of my way.”
“What is it, Charlie? Did your daddy not love you enough? Did he not pay attention to you because you don’t have a dick? Are you desperate to fill that void in your life, so you fucked the first old guy that was messed up enough to touch you?” Simon’s cold, dark eyes glinted with malice and jealousy.
Rage burned through me and blurred my vision, and my fist connected with Simon’s stupid jawline before I even realized what I was doing. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I was screaming, and I could feel my heart pounding in my ears.
Simon reeled back and clutched his face. “What the FUCK! You crazy bitch!” He was yelling right back at me, and now everyone in attendance gaped at us and pulled their phones out.
All these assholes wanted a show. None of these assholes gave a single fuck about me. They weren’t my friends. I didn’t belong here, and I never had. I shoved past Simon, and the sea of assholes parted to let me through. I was almost to the front door when a hand gripped my arm.
“Charlotte, baby girl, what happened?” Matteo was shirtless, and his dark eyes were wild with worry.
I shook him off. “I’m not coming to your damn parties anymore!” I wrenched the front door open and let out a sigh of relief when the icy February air hit my face. Tears burned the corners of my eyes as I dug my keys from my jacket pocket and hurried to my car.
Before I had the chance to peel out of Matteo’s driveway, he slid into the passenger seat, wrapped in a ridiculous fur coat that definitely didn’t belong to him. “Start talking, love.”
I opened my mouth, ready to tell him to fuck off like everyone else, but this was Matteo. We talked. “Mattie, I punched an asshole because he said shit about Burke and my dad.”
“Charlotte!” Matteo’s mouth dropped open. “I love that for you! It’s so badass!” He waved his hands. “Okay, okay, keep going. Tell me the feeling stuff!”
“Everything hurts, and I feel fucking shattered!” I leaned against his shoulder and sobbed.
Matteo stroked my hair and pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head. “So be shattered, love. Be shattered and ugly broken, and then get your ass back up and build something even better.”
I sobbed harder and choked out, “Okay, Mattie.” He held me until my sobs quieted, and I finally whispered, “You’re so damn amazing. I love you.”
“I love you, too, beautiful, and so does your sexy man. From what you’ve told me, he’s not going to be able to stay away. You need to have a little patience with each other and the world. Eventually, the people that love you will understand and want your happiness.”
I sniffled. “You would know, huh? You had to wait almost your whole life for the people you love to want your happiness.” I sat up, wiping my tears. I’d heard all of Matteo’s stories about being bullied in elementary school and his very Catholic family struggling to accept his sexuality when he came out. He knew all about being shattered and rebuilding something beautiful. He knew all about being patient. “Matteo,” I looked my best friend right in the eye, calling him by his real name. “You are a beautiful person.”
“Aw, thanks, Charlie.” He kissed my forehead one more time. “Are you going to be okay?”
I let out a deep, shuddering breath. “Not for a little while, but eventually.” I grimaced when I looked over at Matteo and registered the reason for his shirtless attire. “Were you hooking up with Jonah, and I just screwed that up for you?”
Matteo smirked at me. “We were finished.”
“Oh my god! How was it?” I wanted to know. Love of any kind made me feel sick with missing Burke, but I still wanted to know.
Matteo cocked an eyebrow and shook his head. “Nope. I’ll tell you all about it in a couple of weeks when you’ve got your pretty little head screwed back on straight. Because when I tell you this story, I want you squealing and cheering, not crying and giving me that fake-ass smile.” His eyes swept up and down my face. “Go home, sweetie. I’m sorry I made you come. I wanted to help, but you need more time to be broken, huh?”
“Ugh. I think so.”
“Okay.” Matteo leaned over and hugged me. “We’ll do another TV binging spa day next week, just us.” He stroked my hair and gave me a sad smile. “I’m going to head back in there, but text me when you get home so that I know you’re safe. Love you.”
“Love you, boo.”
Matteo slipped out of my car and waved as I pulled out of his driveway. He was right. I needed to be broken for a little while longer. Maybe I still needed to be broken from losing my dad, too. Maybe I’d tried too hard to hold myself together after he died.
As I drove home, I resigned myself to be fully broken for a few weeks, to feel all of my losses — my father, Burke, my innocence. And then, after I’d felt it all, I’d pick up my pieces and build something better.
25
Charlie
Four weeks of hell.
That was how long it had been since I’d heard Burke’s voice, seen his green eyes, felt his touch. I thought surviving my father’s death made me tough. I thought if I could go on living after losing him, then I was made of steel, and nothing could hurt me.
Unbreakable Charlie Cox.
And then Burke shattered me—just blew through me without even trying.
But it felt good to let myself be broken like Matteo had suggested. It felt strangely therapeutic to see all of my jagged pieces strewn out on the floor, with no desire to clean them up. I was allowed this time, and who the fuck cared how long it took? I’d pull my shit together when I was ready, and I’d do it whether Burke ever spoke to me again or not.
There was a knock on my bedroom door, and my mom called out, “Charlie, honey, can I come in?”
“Knock yourself out.” I curled up on my side, not looking up when she entered and sat next to me on my bed. She wrapped her arms around me and took the big spoon position. My heart lurched when I remembered the hours and hours we spent in this exact way right after dad was gone.
“Charlotte, my sweet, smart girl.” My mom rubbed my shoulder. “Did I ever tell you how much grandma and grandpa hated your dad at first?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I’ve heard the story. They didn’t like his motorcycle or vocabulary.”
“Right. Did I tell you that we broke up three different times over it?”
I turned to meet her knowing gaze. “No.”
“Charlie, baby, even the most hopeless situations can have a happy ending with a little understanding and patience. True love works itself out.”
I scoffed and turned away from her. “It wasn’t true love, at least not for Burke.”
My mother pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.”
We heard the front door open, and Evan called out, “Anyone home?” I stiffened and squared my jaw. My dumbass brother could go to hell. I heard his footsteps on the stairs and refused to look
at him when I heard him say, “Hey, Charlie. How’s it going?”
When I stayed silent, he groaned. “How long are you going to give me the silent treatment, kid? We can’t keep living like this.”
My mother kissed me one more time and stood to greet Evan. “Hey, son. Did Sienna get her dress fitting scheduled?”
“Uh, yeah. It’s on Saturday at 1 pm.”
“Perfect. I’ll be there.”
“Thanks. That will mean a lot to her since her mom won’t be up until the wedding day.”
“Of course. I’m going to let you kids talk now.” I heard my mother’s footsteps carry her back down the stairs, and Evan let out a long slow breath. I still didn’t turn to look at him.
“Charlie?” he pleaded.
“Go fuck yourself, Evan.”
My brother groaned and sat on the edge of my bed. “Charlie, I’m sorry, okay? I’m looking out for you! I want what’s best for you! I want to do what dad—“
“Will you shut the hell up?” I sat up suddenly, furiously wiping away the traitorous tears that slipped out. “I don’t fucking need you to be my father, Evan! I had one of those! And he sure as hell wouldn’t have punched my boyfriend in the face!” I slid off my bed and folded my arms. “Leave.”
Evan ran his hands through his hair. “Charlie, please. I’m sorry.” He stayed put, even though I’d just ordered him to leave. “Sienna says you guys love each other and that I overreacted.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought we did, but we don’t. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have let everything go like it was nothing.”
Evan stared me down. “Or, he loves you enough to let you go because he didn’t want to stand between you and your family.”
I felt my heart constrict and shook my head. That was what Burke said on that shitty day in the park. He didn’t want to be a wedge between my family and me, but that didn’t mean he loved me. “Don’t say that. It’s bullshit. Burke doesn’t love me.”