by Nikki Paris
My brother stood and crossed my room to look out the window at the melting snow. “Sienna says he does. Her exact words were, ‘The love in that man’s eyes made my god-damn heart hurt, Evan. You fucked up.’”
Tears blurred my vision, and I hugged myself to keep from shattering even further.
Evan let out a dry laugh. “Charlie, I’ve been trying to fill dad’s shoes, which is an impossible feat. I’ve done a shitty job at it, and by being a shitty dad, I’ve also been a shitty brother.”
He sighed and started to pace in front of my window. “We should have had the kind of relationship where you could come to me and be like, ‘Sup, bro? I’m interested in this guy.’ And then I’d say, ‘Whoa, Charlie. He’s a lot older than you. Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ And then you could’ve set me straight like you always do, and I could’ve been on your side the whole time.”
Evan glanced over at me, and I finally met his gaze. His eyes mirrored my own—full of pain, regret, and uncertainty. “I tried to protect you, kid, but I ended up hurting you instead.”
“Yeah. Ya did.”
“Charlie,” Evan sighed and ran his hands over his face. “I was wrong, but do you understand even a little bit why I did it? Do you understand how much it freaked me out to see a guy that’s fifteen years older than you with his hands on you? It scared the shit out of me because I love you. I realized I’ve been so focused on running the bar and planning my wedding. I didn’t even see what was going on right in front of my face. I swore I’d look out for you, and I missed something so big. I failed, Charlie.”
Evan began to pace again. “I’m fucking terrified of something bad happening to you, mom, Bea, Sophia, or Sienna.” His voice cracked, “I want to keep you safe. But Burke’s a good guy, and you’re a smart girl. I should have trusted you because you’ve always been able to take care of yourself.”
Silence settled between us, and I chewed on my lower lip. I was beyond pissed at my brother, but a part of me missed him. I missed teasing him. I missed falling into his arms when I was sad because I knew he had my back. Most of my heart begged me to forgive him because life was too short to hold grudges.
If I were a little stronger, I would have already forgiven Evan. I would have already called Burke and demanded that he get over himself. But my fragile glass walls were wrecked, and I didn’t have the capacity for any more forgiveness or vulnerability.
I wanted to say, “I know why you did it, bro. I should have been honest with you that I was into Burke a long time ago so that it didn’t turn into this messy misunderstanding. I love you, too.” Instead, I gave Evan a stiff nod and walked out of my bedroom.
“Charlie!” Evan called after me. “How can I fix it?”
“You can’t.” I grabbed my coat from the hook by the front door and stepped out into the cold afternoon. It was March now, and the frozen earth was beginning to thaw. This was usually my favorite time of year because it reminded me that life could continue after death. The dead leaves could sprout again. The sun could come back out and warm my face. It signified a new beginning.
But this year, I didn’t want a new beginning. I wanted to go back to the time that set me on fire even though the world was frozen.
26
Burke
“Tess, sweetheart, it’s time for me to get you back to your mom’s house.”
Tess wandered out of her bedroom, holding the paper dolls that Charlie made for her during the Tinkerbell marathon. “Okay. Is Charlie going to come and play next time? I miss her.”
A dull ache settled in the middle of my chest. “I miss her, too, sweetheart, but she can’t come to play anymore.”
Tess wrinkled her forehead. “Why? Did she move away?”
“No. Get your shoes, please.”
Tess slid her feet into her pink tennis shoes. “Is she sick?”
“No. Backpack.”
“Does she not like me anymore?”
I sighed and sank to my knees in front of my daughter. I took both of her hands in mine and said, “It has nothing to do with you. Charlie is still your friend, but she was my friend, too, and I…” How could I explain this to my daughter? “I hurt her feelings, and now we aren’t friends anymore.”
Tess looked at me like I was the dumbest fuck that ever walked the earth. “So say you’re sorry, daddy!”
I gave Tess a half-smile. “It’s not that easy. I hurt her feelings really bad.”
“Then say you’re really sorry.” My daughter rolled her eyes and bent to pick up her backpack. She pulled open my front door and headed for my car. What if it could be that simple? What if I could say sorry and have Charlie back in my arms?
I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat. But it wasn’t that simple. She’d have to choose between her family and me, and I’d never ask that of her.
When Tess and I pulled up to Lexi’s picture-perfect-two-story house in the suburbs, I got out and walked my daughter up to the front door. My ex-wife pulled it open and bent down to give Tess a big kiss. The fact that she loved our daughter was her only redeeming quality in my eyes.
“Bye, sweetheart. I’ll see you soon.” I gently tugged on Tess’s ponytail.
“Bye, daddy.” She smiled and then hurried into the house.
I turned to leave, but Lexi stopped me. “Hold on a second, Burke.” She folded her arms and pulled the front door closed behind her. Lexi wrapped her cardigan more tightly around her thin body to guard against the evening chill. “Who’s Charlie?”
I squared my jaw and shoved my hands in the front pockets of my jeans. “A friend.”
“Okay, well, Tess talks about her all the time, like this Charlie person is at your place every time Tess comes over.” Lexi narrowed her cold blue eyes at me. “Do you have a girlfriend, Burke? Do you have some little slut hanging around our daughter?”
“Watch your mouth, woman.”
Lexi scoffed. “Don’t you talk to me like that! I have a right to know who’s spending time with my daughter!”
I clenched my fists and stared up at the darkening sky. “Are you shittin’ me? How many different men have you paraded in front of her over the last few years, Lex? I’ve never even spoken to the asshole that owns this place!” I gestured toward Lexi’s house. “So, if you feel like you have the right to dictate who spends time with our daughter, then so the fuck do I!” I tried not to raise my voice, but this woman got me so fired up in the worst way.
Lexi pressed her lips into a thin, tight line. Then she threw her hands up in the air. “Fine! Fine, Burke, you want to come in and meet Scott? Let’s do it! Right now, let’s go!”
I groaned and covered my face with both hands. “Not like this, Lexi. Not when I’m angry. Tess doesn’t need that.”
Lexi buried her hands in her bleached blonde hair and made an angry little noise. Then she folded her arms again and let out a deep breath. “You’re right. Tess doesn’t need that. I will text you this week, and we can set up a time to meet each other’s significant others.”
I shook my head. “No need. Charlie’s not going to be around anymore. I’ll meet Scott the next time I come to pick up Tess.”
Lexi sighed as I turned to leave. “Burke, I’m sorry,” she called after me.
I waved her off and slid behind the wheel of my car, then peeled out of her driveway. Lexi was damn lucky that I would never hit a woman, especially the mother of my child. But if she ever called Charlie a slut again, there’d be hell to pay.
When I got back from Lexi’s, I saw a man leaning against my front door, staring at his phone. As I approached, I realized it was Evan. I kept my distance and addressed him. “I haven’t said a word to her for over a month. You don’t need to be here right now.”
Evan shoved his phone in his back pocket and held his hands up. “I know, I know. That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then what the hell do you want?”
“To apologize.”
No shit. Sienna got through to him after all. I put my hands in
my jacket pockets. “No apology necessary. Have a good one.” A guy could apologize for sucker-punching me. It didn’t mean I could go back to fucking his pretty little sister like I wanted. There was no point in having this conversation.
Evan let out a long slow breath. “There’s more that I would like to say. Can I come in for a minute? It’s cold as fuck out here.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t last ten seconds in Alaska if you think this is cold.”
Evan laughed. “I know. You’re a badass. I’m aware.”
I unlocked my apartment door and went inside, leaving it open for Evan if he felt like he needed to follow and say something else. I headed straight for my kitchen to grab some beers. I had a feeling we were going to need them.
When I turned from my fridge, Evan was standing in my kitchen, awkwardly glancing around. Was he wondering where I fucked his sister? Everywhere, dude.
I handed him one of the beers and took a seat at my kitchen table.
Evan cleared his throat. “Uh, thanks. I’ll just…” He pulled out a chair and sat across from me. “Look, man, I shouldn’t have punched you for so many reasons. First of all, Charlie still won’t speak to me. Uh, secondly, my hand hurt for like a week afterward.”
He smiled, but I stared straight ahead. This wasn’t going to be a light conversation. His efforts were wasted.
Evan ran his hands through his tousled pretty-boy hair and started again, “Okay. I was wrong for losing my shit. I was terrified that Charlie was going to get hurt and pissed that I was blind to it all.”
“What do you want me to say here? If you want my forgiveness, have it. I would have done the same damn thing if I thought someone was hurting my daughter.” I took a sip of my beer. “But if that’s why you’re here, you’re wasting your time. I don’t want your apology, and you don’t need my forgiveness.”
“Fuck.” He rested his head in his hands. When he looked back up at me, he said, “She loves you, man. She’s real torn up right now. I thought she was acting out and that she’d get over everything with you guys in like a week. I was wrong, like usual.” Evan cracked open his beer and leaned back in his chair.
I felt my heart constricting thinking about Charlie still being sad over me. I thought she’d have moved on by now, too.
“But Charlie wasn’t acting out because she doesn’t do that. Even when life is shit, she keeps a good head on her shoulders.” Evan groaned. “I’m rambling, and I need to get to the point.” He looked up at me and locked me in a gaze worthy of the Spanish Inquisition. “Do you still love Charlie?”
Did I still love her? Like you could love a person like Charlie and ever stop. “Yes.”
Evan let out a sigh of relief. “Thank fucking god. Call her and tell her that. I will back off and never say another word. Our mom would like to meet you before she officially signs off, but chances are good that she’ll be cool with everything, too.” He set his beer on the table with a thud. “Just, please call Charlie.”
I wanted to do that more than anything. I wanted to hear her sweet smooth voice, make her laugh, make her sigh, but I wouldn’t. “Can’t do that.”
Evan blinked and frowned. “What? Why the hell not?”
“Because she deserves better.”
“Are you joking me?” Evan gave me the same look that Tess gave me earlier, like I was the dumbest fuck that ever walked the earth. “You’re this badass, tatted-up oil rig worker bartender, and you’re going to pull that shit?” Evan laughed and shook his head. “No, man, you don’t get to be all insecure like that.”
I glared across the table at my old boss. Punk kid. Charlie wasn’t a kid. He was a kid.
“Look, man.” The punk kid was still talking. “I’m wrong like, daily. But Charlie’s not. If she was willing to give you her heart on a silver platter, then you don’t just deserve her.” He paused. What the hell for? Dramatic effect? Evan leaned forward and said, “It means you’re the only one that deserves her.”
With that, he stood and polished off the last of his beer. “Thanks for the beer, Burke. Think about what I said. The longer you wait to believe that you’re enough, the longer Charlie hurts.” He tossed his empty bottle in the trash. “You know, I don’t think there’s a man in the world that thinks he’s worthy of a good woman’s love.”
The punk kid patted my shoulder before he showed himself out of my apartment.
I sat alone at my kitchen table, heart racing. Life didn’t give you the things you wanted. That wasn’t its game. Life was a cold bitch that liked to tease and take.
But Evan had just shown up here and handed me the one thing I wanted. I could have Charlie, and she wouldn’t lose her family.
I kicked back from the table and paced in front of my stove. I shouldn’t have fucked her behind her family’s back. I was wrong, and I’d been clinging to the guilt that came with my mistake.
But wasn’t it okay to be wrong? Didn’t it mean I was a little closer to being right? Could I make it right with Charlie?
Damn, I wanted to.
Finally, I pulled out my phone and texted Charlie a link to a song.
27
Charlie
When my phone buzzed, I ignored it. It was probably Matteo, and while I loved the shit out of him, I didn’t want to talk. I rolled out of bed and went to take a shower instead.
After that, Bea wanted me to make cookies with her and Sophia. It was her way of helping. Baked goods and sprinkles made Bea feel better when she was sad.
But the cookies reminded me of Tess, and I missed the shit out of her, too. I got close to her, and that beautiful little girl wormed her way into my heart. So I lost Burke. Whatever. Big fucking deal. I’d get over my first stupid love. But then I lost Tess, too, and didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to explain to her why I wouldn’t see her again, and that killed me.
Halfway through frosting my fifth cookie, I said, “Bea, this is sweet, but I want to be alone right now.”
“Oh, Charlie, I’m sorry. Break-ups are so hard! I swear I didn’t move off the couch for months after Jack and I separated!”
I gave her a weak smile. “Yeah. Thanks for trying, Bea.” This was nothing like losing Jack. Jack was an idiot. Guys like him were mainstream and all over the globe. Guys like Jack weren’t worth keeping in the first place.
I bent to press kisses to Sophia’s frosting-covered cheeks and headed back up to my room. I stood in front of my floor-length mirror and took a deep breath. My sad blue eyes stared back at me, and I hardly recognized them. Ugh. Pull it together, Charlie.
It was time to pick up my pieces.
I didn’t want to be this sad little person anymore, but who was I now? I wasn’t unbreakable, but I wasn’t fragile. I wasn’t stupid, but I wasn’t wise. I wasn’t a child, but maybe I wasn’t as mature as I always thought, either. Was it okay to be somewhere in the middle? Could I accept myself exactly as I was?
Well, Charlie, there aren’t a lot of other options. I spoke to my reflection, like a psycho, “I accept you.” I didn’t think it was honestly that simple. I didn’t think those three words had stitched all my fragments back together, but it was a starting place.
I picked up my phone off my nightstand, getting ready to send Matteo an apology text for not responding.
When I saw Burke’s name on my screen, I dropped my phone like it was on fire. I clutched a hand to my racing heart and stood to close my bedroom door.
Burke. How did just his name send electricity through my entire body? I sank onto my bed and picked up my phone with shaking hands. I took a deep breath, then opened his message.
He sent me a single link to a song. Tears blurred my vision when I saw the title. I tapped the link, and the sweet notes of Patience by Guns N’ Roses filled the air. I collapsed against my pillows as the tears ran in rivers down my cheeks.
◆◆◆
By the time I knocked on his door, it’d been almost five hours since Burke texted.
He pulled it open, and m
y heart ached at the sight of him. His hair was down and damp like he’d just taken a shower, and he wore a tight black t-shirt that stretched across his broad chest and showed off his hard muscle. But Burke’s eyes were what drew me in — those intense mossy-green eyes that could see right through me.
I looked down at the phone in my hand and pressed play.
Burke smiled and ran a hand through his beard. We stood in silence while the first thirty seconds of Patience played. Then Burke grasped my wrists and tugged me against his body. He pulled me into his apartment and closed the door, pressing my back against it. Burke placed his hands on the door, on either side of my head, and gazed into my eyes, his lips hovering half an inch above mine.
I gripped handfuls of his shirt and did nothing to steady my breathing. I wanted him to see my body’s reaction to his nearness. I wanted him to see what he did to me.
When our lips finally touched, I let out a soft moan for him. He pulled those sounds from my lips — no one else. They were for Burke, so I’d let him hear every single one.
His kisses grew stronger and more urgent, and his breathing heavier. Burke let out his own little growl of pleasure as his lips traveled down my neck.
See? I did it to him, too.
He scooped me up in his arms and carried me down the hall to his bedroom. Our movements were wordless and seamless as we undressed each other. Burke lifted me onto his lap so that I straddled him and took my lower lip between his teeth, then he worked his way down to my nipples, taking each one in his mouth. I moaned louder and buried my hands in his hair.
I ached to feel him inside of me and tried to center myself on his cock, but he held my hips fast and stopped me. Burke trailed kisses up my neck and whispered one word in my ear. “Patience.”
Chills rushed down my spine, and I caught his lips with a slow, patient kiss. I felt him smile as he slid his hands up my back and deepened the kiss.
He flipped me onto my back and hovered over me, gazing into my eyes. “I love you, Charlie.” His deep voice vibrated against my body.