Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “We’re aware of the prophesy, Mr. Decker. However, our own seers have...”

  “Then they are as useless as that beast and the diseased harlot with whom we are speaking.”

  “I am so gonna rip your lungs out through your asshole, you fucking little weasel!” Yep, that’s Sally. Try to kill her, and she’ll hold her tongue. Call her names and she loses it.

  “Everyone, please!” James shouted, attempting to regain control. “Mr. Decker, I apologize for the outbursts. Please indulge us with what you were saying.”

  “The Icon lives, vampire,” Decker hissed. “My people have seen it. The portents do not lie. We have double and triple checked them.”

  “Did you find out who’s naughty and who’s nice?” Sally sniffed.

  “Laugh if you wish, trollop. You know as well as I do that the Icon brings nothing but death. My kind is doomed by its coming, but do not think yours is immune. How many of the undead shall burn at its touch?”

  I gotta say, I was starting to take a little offense to his constant referring to the Icon as an it. Thankfully, before the words could spill out of my mouth, I remembered what a monumentally bad idea it would be to correct him.

  Even worse was the fact that Decker knew Sheila from our workplace. Hell, the asshole had once gone out on a date with her. If he had known back then her potential...well, who knows how that night would have played out? As it was, it ended fairly explosively thanks in part to Gan’s presence. Little did I know back then that so many pieces of the fucked up puzzle of my life were in such close proximity.

  Sally snapped her fingers in front of my face.

  “Hey, anyone home?”

  “Huh?”

  “Pay attention, dipshit,” she snapped. “Now’s not the time to zone out.”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  She unmuted the phone while I tried to figure out what I had missed.

  “Assuming that is even true,” James was saying, “how can you know it’s a threat? The creature could be living in a cave in Bangladesh for all you are aware.”

  “Not true. It is close, that much we can tell.”

  “You said it yourself, the Icon’s power somehow counteracts against your own. You have no way of knowing...”

  “DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I KNOW, BEAST!” Decker screamed into the phone as an uncomfortable whine of feedback blared on our end. “The Icon is near, perhaps in this very city. I can feel its presence, much like a reaper breathing down the back of my neck.”

  “Are you sure that’s not just the men in white coats?”

  Decker ignored me and continued on his insane tirade. “I was too late to save my people. My protégé was too soft - weak - to do what needed to be done...”

  He must have been talking about Christy, and what he said was good to hear. She was much more pleasant to be around when she wasn’t actively plotting to kill me, and it was likewise a good thing for Tom. Though he typically didn’t bring it up, it bothered him that his girlfriend and me didn’t always get along...murderously so. Of course, now Christy had a Sheila shaped pendulum of death hanging over her head. That had potential to be a bit awkward in the near future.

  “...but that didn’t mean I couldn’t make you suffer.”

  Huh? Oh yeah, Decker was still yammering. I had been on the receiving end of his insane monologues in the past. It was easiest to just nod as he ranted. That last part, though, sounded like it might be sorta important.

  “What do you mean by that?” I asked, although I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

  “Fool!” he spat venomously - the spittle practically flying through the speaker. “You think we were trying to kill you last night? We purposely struck when we did.”

  Hmm, that sounded kind of like a confession to me.

  “Are you saying you knowingly attacked one of our covens?” James asked.

  “Not one of your covens, Wanderer...his coven, the Freewill’s. All of this started with him: the portents, the prophesy, the coming war.”

  “I must say...” James tried to say, but Harry was still busy frothing at the mouth.

  “Hear me, Freewill. Your existence has brought forth nothing but suffering...”

  “Tell me about it,” Sally muttered. “We have to suffer through listening to this asshole.”

  “Shhh,” I whispered. “I want to hear this.”

  “...and so shall you suffer in return. My days may be numbered, beast, but I shall make sure that I spend every waking moment bringing misery to your existence. Your coven was only the beginning, so as to truly make you appreciate your sense of loss...”

  Uh huh. Sure, I hadn’t wanted to see my coven wind up as fertilizer, but the truth was I didn’t like most of them. My sense of loss ran about as deep as a paper cut.

  “...until at last, right before I myself die, you shall beg me to kill you. Only then shall I perhaps allow your miserable life to...”

  “Perhaps we can work together to solve this problem.”

  “What?!” I knew Colin was a douche-weasel, but did I really just hear him offer help to the crazy wizard who nearly blasted Sally and me to kingdom come?

  “Excuse me?” James broke the momentary silence.

  “I was offering our esteemed guest assistance in solving this mutual dilemma.”

  “You’ll forgive my confusion, Colin, but did not this wizard just admit to an act of war against the vampire nation? That hardly seems...”

  “I mean no disrespect to the First, my lord,” Colin sniveled. It had been a little while since he had slobbered his lips against someone’s rear-end. He was due. “But I do not believe the wizard’s actions were an act of war.”

  “The fuck?!” I yelled. “This asshole just admitted he...”

  “Kindly allow him to finish, Dr. Death,” James said, his tone making me think twice about continuing. “I’m curious as to where this is going. Please continue, Colin.”

  “Thank you, great Wanderer.”

  It was my turn to roll my eyes. Oh, fuck me up the ass with a chainsaw.

  “I believe the Magi only acted out of desperation. They do not wish to war with us. Is that not true, Mr. Decker?”

  “We have nothing to lose by acting,” he replied.

  “Then I believe I see a solution that might avoid hostilities between our people as well as eliminate a shared enemy...”

  No!

  “We will work together to find, hunt down, and exterminate the Icon.”

  Oh shit. Talk about a bad day getting even worse.

  Planning the Offensive

  “That didn’t go quite as expected,” Sally said ten minutes after the call ended. To my great chagrin, James had been swayed from whatever ultra-violent course of action he had hopefully been contemplating to actually agreeing with Colin. I guess I couldn’t blame him, either. James was loathe to spare troops for a skirmish with the mages. As dangerous as the Icon was, combining forces seemed the safer option. Damn the gods of logic!

  Despite his layering of brown-nosing, Colin’s suggestion had made sense. Even Decker, batshit crazy as he was, had stopped his ranting to listen. In the end, he had agreed to a temporary truce. If the Icon could be located and eliminated, then he would cease hostilities against the vampire nation.

  “You ain’t whistling Dixie, sister.”

  “It’s even worse than you think, Bill,” she said quite seriously. That wasn’t good. Sally usually dropped the attitude only in extreme circumstances.

  “They just handed the girl I love a death sentence. Pray tell how it could get worse.”

  “Do you think for one second Decker is going to stop trying to kill you?”

  “You think he would risk it?”

  “The guy’s a fucking nutcase. You tell me.”

  “Point taken.”

  “Then there’s Colin. He’s probably squirting in his pants with joy right now. He got to score brownie points with James and gets to coordinate our efforts in this witch hunt.”

  “Ic
on hunt.”

  “Whatever the fuck. Don’t think for a second that Colin isn’t aware that Decker will try to take you out at the first chance he gets. Don’t doubt he won’t do everything in his power to fuck you over until that happens, either.”

  I sighed and got up, feeling the need to pace. “Any more good news before I allow myself to fall into a spiraling depression?”

  “Just this: they’re going to find her.”

  “I know.”

  “I don’t know if they can stop her, Bill, but they’re going to find her and figure out who she is.”

  “Decker?”

  “Count on it, and once they do...”

  “They’re going to put two and two together.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Then I guess we have one course of action ahead of us.”

  “And that is?” she asked, although she knew better than that. She was one of the quickest thinkers I had ever met.

  “We need to find Sheila first.”

  * * *

  “And what makes you think I’m going to help you? After all, the others have a point. The Icon is dangerous to all of us.”

  There was a brief, uncomfortable pause as Sally’s words sunk in. She was right. The Icon represented a massive threat to vampires as a whole. If the stories were to be believed, the Icons of days past had cut through our ranks like a hot knife through butter.

  In one of our past talks, Sally had mentioned that the biblical tale of Samson versus an army of Philistines was actually based on fact. Samson, the egomaniacally horny muscleman of myth, had actually been an Icon. His foes had been vampires. Needless to say, it didn’t end well for our side. Sure, he had eventually been taken down - supposedly by that power that eventually fells all great men...pussy - but the actual details of his downfall had been lost to legend. Even if the Bible stories were true, I wasn’t particularly in love with the idea of crushing my wannabe girlfriend under several tons of falling debris.

  Still, Sally had a point. I was basically asking her to help me find and protect a person who was, in essence, a walking time bomb. Forget touch, my lips hadn’t even come into contact with Sheila’s (much to my chagrin) when her powers had flared. Who’s to say that we might find her, and the simple act of doing so might end with our asses being fried like chickens?

  Therein lay another problem. If Sally refused to help me, she held enough game pieces to sink my battleship once and for all. It would only benefit her to spill her guts. Alexander, oldest of the First Coven and the guy that shitty Oliver Stone movie was based on, had taken a shine to her despite her relatively young age. She could easily play this up and win herself a nice comfy spot at the table.

  “Just fucking with you.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me,” she said, a grin spreading across her face. “I just wanted to see the look on your face. I gotta get my kicks somewhere.” Bitch!

  “So you’re actually going to help me?” I asked, not quite daring to believe what I heard.

  “Uh yeah, dumbass. What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing this past month? I’m already up to my shapely ass in lies. It’s not like I can even claim you compelled me. You suck at it and James wouldn’t buy it for a second.”

  “Thanks, Sally.”

  “I speak only the truth. So that leaves me only a couple of choices. I could fuck you over, don’t think I don’t know that. In doing so, though, I’d have to throw myself on the mercy of the Draculas and beg their forgiveness.”

  “Which they’re not exactly known for giving.”

  “Precisely. Assuming they don’t ram a stake through me and ruin my favorite bra, I’d have to team up with Colin and Decker. I would sooner be sentenced to an eternity of giving you and your roommate - the stupid one, mind you - hourly blowjobs than tell either of those twats the time of day.”

  I lost focus for a moment as that image formed in my mind. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Even in the midst of a dire emergency, there are some things that take priority.

  “Are you finished giving yourself a hard-on?” Sally’s eyes met mine. Goddamn, some days I’d swear she was almost psychic.

  “Uh, I was just mentally planning our next steps.”

  “Sure you were. As I was saying, I’d sooner take my chances helping you. Either way, I’m probably fucked, but at least I can stomach your company better...”

  I opened my mouth to comment.

  “Don’t get any ideas, limp dick. I’ve already cast my ballot and you’re simply the lesser of multiple evils.”

  I smiled at her.

  “What?” she demanded.

  “You’re a good friend, Sally.”

  “Fuck you, Bill.”

  * * *

  “So what’s the plan?”

  “That’s the other reason I’m helping you. You’re fucking pathetic on your own. Without me, they’d figure out the whole thing in about five minutes and be up yours and your girlfriend’s asses within the day.”

  “How about without the commentary? I only ask because, Decker aside, you know all the players involved better than I do.”

  “True,” she soaked up the compliment like a sponge.

  “James?” I asked.

  “I don’t think we have anything to worry about. First off, as I’m sure you well know, he’s a little different than the other elders.” I nodded. “If push comes to shove, he’d at least hear us out without getting all stabby about it.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t see him helping us either.”

  “Agreed. There’s too big of a spotlight on him right now. Also, I’m not sure we could convince him that the Icon is harmless and should be spared. James is reasonable, but that’s a big uphill battle right there. The best case scenario would be that he keeps the crosshairs off of us.”

  “But Sheila still gets ganked,” I said morosely.

  “Sorry, but yeah. So we’ll keep him as our contingency plan if all else goes to shit. If he asks too many questions, we can always play stupid.”

  “Let me guess, I shouldn’t have a problem with that.”

  “Ooh, you know me too well,” she replied, a saucy little grin on her face.

  “So you’re going to help me save her, in addition to our own asses?”

  “Don’t get me wrong, Bill. My ass is always my number one priority. But...”

  “But?”

  She looked almost constipated, as if the words wouldn’t quite come. “I figure I owe you one...or maybe two. Besides which, if I thought for a second I’d have to spend eternity listening to you whine about lost love like some fucked up Twilight reject, I’d find myself a nice beach to lie on and wait for the sun to rise.”

  Despite my somewhat dead nature, I felt my insides warm at her words. All things considered, she had earned me not rubbing it in...just this once.

  “Okay, so what about Colin?”

  “He’s an asshole.”

  “I know that. What can we expect?”

  “His new position is pretty high ranking. Since we’re under his jurisdiction, James will probably let him lead this operation. He won’t want to, but his hands are already pretty full and it’s proper protocol. Besides, the Icon is just one being. James still has to worry about a whole army of angry Sasquatches.”

  “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few...or the one,” I said, raising my fingers in a Vulcan salute.

  Sally raised a quizzical eyebrow. “I’m gonna assume I don’t want to know. Anyway, Colin will be in charge, but he’s also a little fucking weasel. Unlike James, he’s not about to throw his natty little ass into the fray. Expect him to be an armchair general. I doubt he’ll even come down here in person...probably make up some bullshit about all the administrative duties requiring his oversight.”

  “That’s a plus.”

  “Maybe...”

  “Why just maybe?”

  “It depends who he sends in his place.”

  She was right. That was a big if, one that could p
otentially save us or screw us.

  Crank Call

  Following our attempt at assessing Boston’s role in all of this, we had tried to take inventory of all the other players. Decker and his coven of witches were definitely dangerous. The plus was we knew enough not to trust them. He and anyone under his command would fuck us over the first chance they got. That left our heavily limited resources.

  “There’s you and me, and the fact that they think we’ll be helping them in this,” Sally stated matter-of-factly.

  “Not entirely true.”

  “How so? Need I remind you that we’re covenless here.”

  “We have four...”

  “No we don’t. Dread Stalker and Firebird are nothing but liabilities. They’re not going to do anything that goes against the Draculas. I wouldn’t trust them as far as I can throw a car. Alfonzo’s out too.”

  “Untrustworthy?”

  “Fuck no. I trust him implicitly. No fucking way are you putting him in harm’s way, though. When this is all said and done, I’m gonna need at least a week’s spa treatment.”

  “Way to suffer for the cause, Sally.”

  She ignored me and continued, “We can trust Starlight, but she’s a dim bulb. Someone asks the right questions and she’ll squeal like a pig even if she doesn’t mean to. We might be able to use her to run interference, though.”

  “Noted. You’re forgetting Tom and Ed, though.”