by Cassie Mae
“That’s okay. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. Goodnight.”
I hang up and drive home. Sleep. I just need sleep. I’ll be over this shit in the morning.
Chapter 13
Lexie
It’s been a long time since Mom and I have spent an entire day together. Schedules have been hectic, and usually the only time we see each other is passing to the bathroom in the morning and when we’re at one of her AA meetings.
So even though I had to cancel on Ryan, I’m happy to be hanging with my Mom. After he found her in the liquor aisle I knew we needed to talk, and to be honest, I’ve been avoiding it. I had Roger handle the dirty work. And I don’t know what he did, but Mom seems to be herself again.
We sit down with our Panda Express in the mall food court and I dive into my walnut shrimp. Neither of us have addressed the elephant in the room that is my father. Almost doing everything in our power to avoid the topic. But twelve stores later and my food disappearing at rapid speed, we’re running out of ways to keep ignoring it.
So I take one last bite and put my fork down. “Ryan told me about the other day. How he found you.”
“I had a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again.”
“Did Roger help?”
She doesn’t say anything just tucks her blonde hair behind her ear and smiles.
“Why’d you break it off with him?” I ask, and her fork pauses halfway to her mouth. “He told me,” I say.
Her fork plops back down to her plate. “I… I can’t explain it.”
“Then try because I really want to know. He was becoming part of our family. I like him. And he clearly is in love with you.”
“You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”
“Then why?”
She pushes her food away and slumps back in her chair. Her eyes glance off, looking to God knows where before she leans back up. Her lips move like she’s about to say something, but then they push into a flat line and all I get is silence.
“Is it because of Dad?” I ask.
The tip of her nose twitches and I know she’s fighting back tears. Instead of answering me with words she nods.
“You’re not still in love with him are you?”
“God, no,” she finally says. “I don’t even know who he is anymore. But I’m not going to lie. When he showed up on our doorstep all those old feelings I thought were gone resurfaced and had me questioning every single detail of my life. Past, present, future.”
“And that’s why you broke up with Roger?”
“He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve someone with so much baggage.”
“Everyone has baggage.”
“Maybe so, but while I deal with Kevin… your dad… I don’t want Roger to have to worry about anything.”
“Do you think he’ll wait for you?”
She shrugs. “I… I don’t expect him to.”
“What about Dad?”
“What about him?”
He’s ruined everything. How much more can we let him destroy. We were so broken for so long and just when we finally started to get our crap together, he shows up and throws a monkey wrench in it all.
“Do you believe him? That he’s…” I swallow the lump in my throat that forms every time I try to say the words and push around them. “He’s dying?”
“I can’t imagine him lying about something like that.”
I’d like to believe that too. It’d be pretty darn rotten if he was. Still a part of me can’t accept that he’s really here to make amends. To make up for all the lost time and try to be a father. I said a month though. I will give him a month. “So what do we do?”
“The only thing we can. We be there for him. If he’s as sick as he says he is then I think we should help him enjoy what little time he has left, and help take care of him when that time starts to run out.”
“I can do that. You don’t have to, you know? Help him.”
She smiles and her eyes gloss over. “No, I do. He was once the love of my life. It’s not something you can easily forget. I’m sure you can understand that.”
I know she’s referring to me and Ryan to make me agree with her. I hate that her and Dad keep comparing what they had to us. We are nothing like them. I get that they were in love once. They had a marriage and a child to show for that, but they weren’t meant for forever, and Ryan and I are.
“I’m happy he came back to us,” she says. “At least we get the chance to say goodbye this time.”
“Me too.”
She sighs, taking the lid for her food and closing it up. “I hear they’re having a sale on shoes at Macy’s. Let’s go check it out. I could use a new pair.” We clear our mess from the table and head to the department store. Mom believes him. Why is it so easy for her to believe him? He left her too. Drove her to the bottle. Is it all part of her 12 step program and she forgave him on step 8? I just don’t know what to think anymore. I want to hate him. I want to push him away like he pushed me away. But there’s that small part of me that sees what would happen if he is telling the truth.
He’d die. His cancer would take him, and my stubbornness and paranoia would prevent any chance for reconciliation. Would I regret it?
I feel like a gambler who just shoved all my chips to the center of the table with a pair of twos in my pocket. I could win everything I want… but I could lose it too.
I turn the corner and smack right into a million bags and I think there’s a person in there. “I’m so sorry,” I say and two blonde braids pop out of all the bags.
“Lexie!” Kaylee exclaims.
“Hey,” I say through a laugh. “What are you doing here?”
She maneuvers her million bags and her green eyes shoot wide. “Just, you know, shopping and stuff.”
“What’s with all the bags?” I peer over but she snaps them away trying her best to hide them behind her back. I didn’t even know the candy store had bags that big.
“Nothing. I mean stuff. Hi, Ms. Boggs,” she says and turns away from me with her big smile.
“Kaylee,” Mom says with a polite nod. “I’m going to go on ahead. Alexis, I’ll meet you in the store.”
Kaylee narrows her eyes and Mom walks away laughing. What is that about?
“Why do you have a bag the size of you from the candy store?”
She blows her loose hair out of her eyes and the weird look on her face disappears and turns into…Oh God she’s going to talk about her and Nate’s sex life.
“Chocolate. Lots of chocolate. For Nate’s birthday I figured we could play body paint if I just melt it down and…”
I hold my hand up and cut her off before I find out more than I care to know.
Nate’s birthday. Which means my birthday is coming up too. How did I forget my own birthday?
“So yeah, you know. I’m just getting the stuff. For Nate. Us. Sex.”
“Okay you said enough.” I hold my hand up again because now she’s babbling and once that happens she’s almost impossible to stop.
“I’ve got to run,” she says, looking frazzled.
“Can we get together soon? I miss my Bestie,” I say and Kaylee’s eyes triple in size, the biggest grin forming before she body slams me into a hug. I try to hug her back, but I’m surrounded by bags and can’t move my arms.
“You called me bestie.” She pulls back and smiles all doofy. “Nail polish and ice cream is in our future. I promise. But for right now, I really have to go. Sorry.”
“That’s okay. I have to go stop my Mom before she buys the entire shoe department.”
“Love you, Bestie,” Kaylee says over her shoulder and I wave.
I head to find Mom and take out my phone to see if I missed any messages. I have two. One from Ryan and one from Nate.
Ryan: Are we ever going to see each other again?
Lexie: I can probably pencil you in for next October.
Ryan: Very f
unny.
Lexie: Soon. I hope. Miss you.
Ryan: Love you.
I click out of Ryan and swipe to Nate’s text.
Nate: Have you heard from Kaylee? She said she was going to the dance studio and she’s not here.
Lexie: I just bumped into her at the mall. I wouldn’t worry.
Nate: Why is she lying to me?
Lexie: It’s a good thing. Trust me ;)
Nate: If you say so.
I slide my phone back into my bag just as I enter the store. Mom is surrounded by boxes of shoes. She steps into a red pair and walks back and forth, then takes them off, tosses them in their box, and puts on a black pair.
She struts from one display to the next.
“Those are cute,” I say as I approach. “But so were the red ones.” I pick up a box of yellow shoes so I can sit down. “These are too.”
“I know. I can’t decide.”
“Mom,” I say and she tears her eyes away from the shoes and looks at me.
“Yeah?”
“Shoes aren’t going to solve your problems.”
“I know.” She falls into the chair next to me, knocking a pair of silver shoes to the floor. “But they couldn’t hurt.”
“No, I guess not.” Better addiction than vodka.
She pats my knee and smiles. “So how’s Kaylee?”
“Weirder than usual.”
“Is that even possible?”
“Apparently.”
Mom laughs and stands up admiring the black shoes on her feet. “I think these are the ones.”
“The ones that’ll help you solve all your problems?”
“The ones that will make me look good solving my own problems.”
“Does that mean you’ll call Roger?”
“Not yet. I still need a little more time.”
“For what?”
“Beats the hell out of me. I just know I need it.”
“Okay.”
“Tell you what. I’m already hungry Darn Chinese food. Fills you for an hour then you’re starving again. So why don’t we pick up some dinner and bring it over to your Dad at the hotel.”
Mom also didn’t eat much. She mainly pushed her food around the plate before putting her fork down.
“I think that would be nice. And while we’re doing that you can tell me all about the school play you were in Miss Most Likely To Be Famous.”
Mom tosses her hand over her face and laughs. “He told you about that?”
“He did. But I kinda wish you had. I had no idea. I’m starting to think I don’t even know you at all.”
She takes the shoes off and tosses them in the box, slipping into her own shoes. Then she takes my hand and pulls me up from the chair. “What do you want to know? I’ll tell you anything. Just don’t make me take out that old yearbook. Some things are meant to stay in the past. And my haircut back then should never see the light of day.”
“Now you have to show me.”
“Okay but I warned you. What you will see can never be unseen. It will be scarred into your brain forever. I just don’t want to be held responsible for any lingering side effects. Night terrors, burning eyes.”
I laugh and pull my mom into a hug.
“What was that for?” she asks.
“For not turning back to the bottle. This,” I say pointing to her, “is the Mom I love most. Please don’t take her away from me.”
Mom’s eyes crinkle at the sides and her nose twitches. “I promise I won’t.”
I swipe the box of shoes out of her hand. “Good. Because this Mom has such better style.”
“You little brat,” she says, and goes to swat me, but I jump out of the way and take off to the register to pay.
“Alexis Boggs, you get over here,” she says, but starts laughing and the words turn into a jumbled mess.
The cashier takes the box from me and I take out my wallet.
“Oh no you don’t,” Mom says and tries to grab my cash.
“Oh yes I do.”
“You don’t have the money for this.”
“I think I can dip into my college fund to get you a pair of awesome shoes.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“I’m not.” The cashier takes my cash and places the shoes in a bag then hands it over to me. I hold the bag out to Mom. “Every time you have a moment of weakness, I want you to put these shoes on and remember that you are stronger than that. You got it?”
“Got it,” Mom says and takes the bag. “It’s a miracle you turned out the way you did.”
“I know. I’m pretty damn awesome.”
Chapter 14
Ryan
“You think it’s big enough?” I ask Nate, pushing the display mattress with my fist. Nate adjusts his fedora then walks around the bed.
“Where you gonna put it?”
“In my room.”
A small laugh tumbles from his lips. “Not sure if it’ll fit.”
“It’ll be fine.” Really, I have no idea if it will, but it’s on clearance. I turn around, rest my butt up against the edge, then fall back. “It’s soft, yeah? Girls like soft?”
Nate plops down on the other side. “Firm too. Perfect soft to firm ratio.”
“Kinda big.” I stretch out and I don’t even touch Nate. “Maybe it’s a California King.”
“I don’t think it’s that big.”
“I do.”
“Big is good though, right?”
“Not much excuse for cuddle time.”
“You can make it work.” He turns on his side and throws his leg on mine.
“Dude, get off me.”
“I get no love for bed browsing with you?”
I lay a fist hard on his thigh, giving him a dead leg. He rolls over twice and still doesn’t land on the floor. Yeah… the mattress really is too big.
But it’s on clearance.
“You think she’ll like it?”
“I think I need a doctor.” He laughs as he runs his knuckles over his thigh.
“Maybe I’ll just get the queen.”
“Isn’t the king size like, your guys’ thing?”
“Like killing innocent animals is your and Kaylee’s thing?” I say with a smirk, remembering the story of how Nate accidentally fried Kaylee’s hamster, Mr. PeePee in an exhaust pipe.
“Apparently lying about where you are all the time is our thing now.” He narrows his eyes at the rafter ceiling before sliding his fedora down over his face.
“Come on,” I say. “You know Kaylee. She’s probably got some embarrassing zit or something and she doesn’t want you to see it.”
“Is that what it is? Because I know she’s been with you.”
“It’s nasty, man.” Kaylee’s going to kill me. “Takes up half her face.”
“She’d still look cute as hell.”
I make a whipping sound. He lifts his fedora along with one of his eyebrows and looks pointedly at the mattress we’re currently on. Yeah, yeah, like I’m one to talk.
“Anything I can help you with, gentlemen?” a lady in a red vest asks as she steps up to the side of the mattress.
“Yeah… this is fifty percent off that ticket price, right?”
I point to the stand that has the amount in big bold black letters. The lady—nametag says Caroline—nods with a friendly yep-I’m-a-salesperson smile.
“That’s correct. Mattress and box spring.”
“But the frame…”
“Sold separately.”
I blow out a long breath and sit up. So much for that.
“They have those adjustable metal ones, right?” Nate asks. He slides to the edge and we both push to our feet.
“Yes. But you’ll need to get one that fits the California King.”
“Knew it was bigger!” I say, pointing at Nate with a laugh. He rolls his eyes at me.
“How much do they run?” he asks Caroline.
“We have a few for $99.99 with the purchase of a mattress. Otherwise, you’re loo
king at $130.00.” Caroline smiles and pulls out an order slip. “Are you two paying in full or would you like to apply for a loan?”
Nate’s brow furrows, and I bust out a laugh. “Bed’s just for me,” I tell her, and when it hits Nate he takes a purposeful three steps away from me. “And I’m hoping to pay in full. Depends on how much taxes and delivery and all that other extra stuff turns out to be.”
She laughs, nodding as she jots down the product number. “If you want to follow me, I’ll ring it up at the register and we’ll see what we’re looking at.”
We walk past the regular sized kings, the queens, the fulls, bunk beds—which I have to admit, a part of me really wants—and then we reach the frames. The wood ones that are all fancy and stuff are about a grand a piece. I may not be going to college but I don’t have the money for that.
Caroline steps behind the counter and Nate wanders off to the wardrobes. Probably looking for a usable magic prop.
Caroline’s nails clack across the keyboard as she types in who knows what. She has these long fake nails that have been airbrushed with some sort of flower or sun or starburst looking thing on the tips. Something Lex would love but wouldn’t keep on her nails for longer than a day, per usual.
I wonder what color they were yesterday.
Caroline clicks her mouse, then swivels the computer screen toward me. “The total—with purchase of a frame, taxes, and delivery fee—will be this bottom number here.” She circles the green number in giant font with the tip of her pen.
And I crap my pants.
“Ouch,” I say, then let out a long whistle. “Yeah… what are payments looking like on it?”
“With clearance items, they’ll need to be off the floor within three months of purchase.”
“So split it by three?”
“The first month is interest free. We can run a credit check and give you an estimate on the remaining months’ interest.”
“I don’t have credit.” I rub the back of my neck.
“This’ll be a great way to get you some,” she says brightly. I try to manage a smile but I can’t. Adult shit sucks already.