by Cassie Mae
He’s right. There are things in my past I’d like to change too. How blind I was to Ryan. My weird infatuation with Sean Dixon. Confronting Sandy Nelson on the bus and having her tell the entire world my mom is the reason her parents got divorced. So many things. Yet I can’t. I’ve learned to accept those things that I can’t change, but this is different. I didn’t run away. I faced all of my issues head on. But…I said a month and I’m going to stand by that. For now.
“Let’s go.”
Dad walked to the school, so we hop in my car and I head towards Skippy Lee’s.
“How’s school?” he asks.
“It’s okay. Almost over.”
“I remember my high school graduation. Your mom and I got drunk under the bleachers before the ceremony. She tripped up the stairs on the way to get her diploma. I thought she was busted, but she played it off and had the entire class laughing. She was something else.”
“Sounds like it,” I say. There aren’t many things I know about either of my parents from their younger years. But knowing Mom was a drunk even back then kind of sucks. I’d rather have not known about it.
“So any big parties planned yet?”
“I wouldn’t know. I don’t really go to parties.”
“Why not? That was the best part of high school.”
“Yeah, if you’re into beer pong and keg stands.”
Out of the corner of my eye I see his dark eyebrows turn in. “You’re not?”
“You have no idea what you left me with, do you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The mom that you saw for the first time the other day. I saw her for the first time three months ago. Before that she was a raging alcoholic, and I’ve been taking care of her since I was seven. So to answer your question, no. I’m not. I watched firsthand how alcohol can ruin someone and I refuse to ever allow myself to be that vulnerable.”
“I had no idea.”
“You wouldn’t.”
I pull into Skippy Lee’s and put the car in park. An awkward silence fills the air and I almost wish I stayed at school.
He runs a hand through his dark greying hair. “I’m sorry.”
“Apologies are a dime a dozen. Anybody can say it. I’d rather see it. ”
“You’re a smart girl.”
I take the keys from the ignition and get out of the car. Dad holds the door open and I walk in, taking in the heavenly scent of greasy food. We place our orders and I smile when Dad orders a double cheeseburger with bacon. Then I force the smile back because I’m not sure if I want to have anything in common with him.
The guy at the counter rings us up and Dad reaches into his pocket. Confusion flashes in his eyes as he pats his back pockets and then his shirt pocket. “I forgot my wallet at the hotel.”
A part of me thinks how convenient, but the other part can’t ignore the disappointment and embarrassment seeping out of him in buckets.
“We can go get it then come back and reorder,” he suggests. “Ugh, I’m such an idiot.”
“I got it,” I say and hand the guy a twenty.
“Next time it’s on me. I promise,” he says and I just nod.
We wait in awkward silence for them to call our order. Finally after what feels like a century and a day our food is ready.
“Why don’t you tell me about that boyfriend of yours,” Dad says as we sit down at my usual table.
“He’s great. Only guy who I can count on.”
He shrinks into himself a little and I thought it would make me happy to get that swipe at him, but I actually feel a little bitchy about it. “I mean he’s my best friend.”
Dad swipes a napkin across his face. “Sounds like me and your mother.”
My heart comes to a skidding stop in my chest. We sound nothing like them. Ryan would never abandon me. He would be there for me no matter what. Through thick and thin, sticky and messy, he would stay at my side.
“I’m sorry, but no. What Ryan and I have is—”
“One in a million? Special?”
I go to talk, but my mouth snaps shut.
“Like I said. Me and your mother. No one ever believed in me, but she always did. She would talk about our future and it all sounded amazing. The pictures she painted with her words were beautiful. But once high school was over, our lives weren’t so pretty. I didn’t get into any of the colleges I applied for, so I took a job at a local mechanic shop, then she got pregnant and life was just different.”
“Well Ryan and I are different. That’s not going to happen.”
“I hope it doesn’t. I’m always rooting for the happily ever after, don’t get me wrong. And if anyone deserves it, you do.”
How does he know what I deserve? He doesn’t even know my favorite color or what kind of grades I get. Doesn’t know about my obsession with nail polish or my fear of spiders. Yet here he is talking like he knows everything about me.
He keeps going. “I just don’t want you to be disappointed either. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect it to.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I say and take a bite of my burger, hoping this conversation is over.
My phone vibrates and I swipe the screen.
Ryan: I missed you after English. Where are you?
Lexie: My Dad surprised me and signed me out early. We’re at Skippy Lee’s talking.
Ryan: Everything okay?
Lexie: Fine. See you at my window tonight? I need some snuggle time.
Ryan: My body is always available for you to snuggle it.
Lexie: :)
Ryan: I love you.
Lexie: Love you too.
A smile spreads across my face as I put my phone back down. I glance up and Dad nods at my cell.
“Ryan I assume?”
“We usually meet after my last class. I wasn’t there so he was just making sure I was okay.”
“He sounds like a good guy.”
“He is.” I toss a fry in my mouth and a giggle slips when a vision of me throwing a fry at Ryan’s head pops into my mind.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” It isn’t exactly a private joke, but it’s not something I want to share. Why should I tell him every detail of my life when I know so little about his? “Why don’t you tell me about high school? About you and Mom. Was it all booze and craziness?”
He laughs, causing lines to form around his eyes. “No, there was a lot of that, but there was also a lot of sober fun too. Did you know your Mom was voted Most Likely To Be Famous senior year?”
“No.”
“She owned that title, breaking out into song in the hallways, putting on impromptu acts right here at Skippy Lee’s. She was the star in the school play. I remember sitting in her bedroom while she rehearsed her scenes. I was so amazed by her. I swear every second I fell more and more in love with her.” His words break off, emotion clouds his eyes. After a moment he smirks. “She was so damn talented”
“I had no idea.”
“I always thought she’d be the one to leave me. Jump ship and head off to Hollywood.” He shakes his head and continues. “There was this one time we went out to dinner at this really fancy restaurant a few towns over. I told her they wouldn’t even let us in the door, but she put on one of her acts and by the end of the night she had everyone thinking she was this up and coming actress that they needed to look out for because she just filmed a new Blockbuster and she was going to be huge.”
The stories didn’t end there. They went on and on, and despite my hesitation, I listened to each one. It was as if for the first time in my entire life I was finally getting to know who my mom really was.
Before I knew it the sun set and it was well into the night. I pull into the hotel Dad’s staying at and put the car in park.
“Thanks for the ride.” He goes to get out of the car then stops, looking back at me. “I wish you knew the Ruth Murray I did. The Ruth Murray I knew always wanted a baby girl. Even if she didn’t get eve
rything in life she wanted, she got you.”
His words hit me like a brick wall and I swallow down the lump that forms. I almost tell him thank you. But my voice never makes an appearance.
His lips twitch into a hopeless smile, and then he shuts the door and walks away.
All the stories from earlier swirl around in my head, but what keeps sticking out the most is his comparison of him and mom to me and Ryan. I still refuse to believe it. Even after the way he spoke with admiration and love in his eyes, amusement and joy, I couldn’t get past the fact that it was only for the memories. They didn’t have that anymore, hadn’t in years, and to think Ryan and I would someday become a fading memory of stories of yore scared the hell out of me.
I get home, hoping he’d already be waiting for me in my bed, but when I open the door, my bed is lumpless. I send him a text.
Lexie: Could use that snuggle time right about now.
A few minutes go by and no response. Ryan always answers me. I text again.
Lexie: Where are you?
I go and grab a bottle of water, and when I come back I check my phone, but still no response. Life was just different. Dad’s words haunt me, but I push them far away.
Lexie: Sweet dreams.
My phone falls to my comforter and I get up to change into pj’s. I go check all of Mom’s hiding places and come up empty. There’s a note on the table that she took another shift at work and will be late.
I go back to my room and climb into bed. It feels cold and lonely. I toss and turn, but no matter what position I wind up in, it’s not right. My body, heart, and mind want Ryan. I pull my comforter back and grab my extra pillows placing them in Ryan’s spot. It might not be him, but maybe I can convince myself he’s here and everything is exactly the same.
Chapter 12
Ryan
I crouch near Lex’s window, morning dew soaking up my sneakers as I tap on the glass. It’s about five-thirty in the morning on a Saturday, but I’m still looking over my shoulder to be sure there aren’t any worried neighbors about to call the cops.
I got her text not thirty minutes ago. Damn my exhaustion. I could’ve spent all night instead of just the butt end of it.
She doesn’t stir from her bed, and I squint and press my face against the window. Someone’s in there with her. Snuggling. What the blazing hell is this?
I test out the lock on the window, and it doesn’t budge. Great. The night she actually listens to me about locking up is the night she’s sleeping with some massive person. Or a bear.
I tap on the window again, harder this time, enough to get her leg to twitch. The other lump doesn’t move at all.
“Damn it,” I mutter, and now I’m full-out banging on the glass, shaking it until Lex’s mom swings open her door, armed with a ten-pound bag of potatoes. I immediately stop rocking the house, catch Lex rubbing her eyes open, and wave apologetically at Ms. Boggs. She drops the potatoes and motions for me to come to the front door. So much for sneaking in.
“The bedroom door stays open,” she says, pushing back a laugh as I step inside. At least she’s letting me in. If it were two weeks ago she probably would’ve swung those potatoes at my face.
It’s good to see her being a parent, though. Away from liquor.
It smells like morning, like toast and coffee, and Lex steps from her room, leaning against the frame and covering a yawn.
“Good morning.”
“Who’s in your bed?” I blurt, losing all tact because I’m already feeling guilty for ditching her last night and I’m running off little sleep so my mouth and brain are working in different time zones.
“Um… no one.” She laughs at me while her mom peeks into her room.
“I saw someone in there.” I accuse, pointing over her shoulder. I know I look nuts. I know I’m the one who just tried to break into their house. But I am way too tired to give a shit.
“Now who’s worried about someone’s fidelity?” She keeps laughing a very tired laugh that’s still unbelievably cute.
“You joking around with me?”
Lex crosses the room, takes me by the wrist, and drags me to her bed. The giant human lump is just a couple of pillows, the top one wearing my hoodie.
“I needed a snuggle last night. Pillowman was my second-best option.”
I groan, falling face-first into the lumpy pillows. I hear Lex’s mom laugh in the kitchen. “Damn, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She sits next to my head and starts running her girly green nails through my hair. I used to call that my “off button” mainly because whenever she started rubbing my head my brain would retreat to lala land. But with her nails lightly scratching and soothing my overtired body, I’m thinking it’s more like an “on button.”
“So, why’re you here at the buttcrack of dawn?”
“Wanted to see you.” I turn out of the pillows. “Go for a walk. Get breakfast. Lie in bed and do nothing. I don’t care.”
“How long do we have this time?”
“My shift starts at eight.”
She sighs, fingers still tangling around in my hair, and right now I really wish I could fast forward three months so we wouldn’t have to keep the door open or risk getting beaten with a bible. Fast forward to when we’ll see each other in almost every spare moment we have. And I open my mouth to ask her the thing I’ve been hoping to ask for about a month now, but I force myself to keep it in. I’ve planned the question out perfectly and I’m not ruining it because I’m impatient.
“Will holding hands in the car while you drive around be okay?” she asks. I nod underneath her hand. “I’m warning you, though, I may fall asleep.”
“No deal. You have to keep me from dozing.”
“I’ll buy you a latte.” She pushes off the bed and opens her dresser.
“Monster.”
“Huh?”
“I need a Monster.”
Her brow furrows. “Since when did you start drinking those?”
“Last week.” They’ve been the only things keeping me awake. “They’re pretty good.”
She checks over my shoulder out her open door before sliding off her pajama bottoms and stuffing into some jeans. I block her mom’s view of everything even though it’ll be pretty obvious Lex changed in front of me.
“Okay,” she says, switching shirts way too fast. She grabs her phone case wallet thing and shoves it into her back pocket before stripping Pillowman, taking the hoodie and draping it over her arm. “I get you a Monster and you let me sleep and hold your hand in the car.”
“That sounds like a magical time.”
She wrinkles her nose at me as we make our way outside. “Next time, don’t wake me up at five-thirty.”
***
The rest of the day feels like it comes and goes with just one blink. The shop was filled with people from eight to eight—I barely remember what make and models I worked on—and I was supposed to get off at six but my replacement didn’t show. So I offered to stay, hoping I’ll get noticed for a promotion or something in the future. Closing up slowed time down some, but it still went by quickly. It’s nearly ten when I clock out, and I wonder if every day will be twelve-plus hour shifts. It must be written on my face because Josh turns the lock and says, “Thanks for staying. We’re hiring a couple more floor guys so hopefully we don’t have to deal with being understaffed for long.”
“Least it goes by fast,” I say, stretching out my muscles. I’m gonna be sore as hell tomorrow.
Josh smirks and heads to his car—figures he drives a GTO with a six-pack on top. I hope I can make that kind of money here.
“Hey,” he says, “if you know of anyone, have them apply.”
I nod, thinking about Brett, but I don’t think they take anyone under eighteen. Giving Josh a wave, I climb behind the driver’s seat and then pull out my cell for any missed messages.
Three from Kaylee speaking in code party details. I don’t remember what half of them mean so I’ll call her later to
figure it out. Two from Brett—one asking for the remote and the other saying never mind, he found it. And one from Lex. One. It just says “Call me.”
Sliding the call button over, I start up the car just to get the air going a bit to dry off the work sweat. My heart starts pumping overtime and I quickly tell myself not to accidentally blurt the question I have to ask her tomorrow during our date. And man, I’ve got one hell of a day planned for her. I’m gonna drive her to Colorado State campus, hit up all the local hot spots to get familiar with them, and then I’ll take her to the apartment complexes Pop-pop and I looked at after I got the job at the shop. That’s when I’ll pop the question. So don’t do it now, Ryan!
“Hey,” Lex answers on the fourth ring, her tone tired. “How was work?”
“Busy. Everything okay?”
“Don’t hate me but… I have to cancel on our date tomorrow.”
My gut falls down to my feet. “What’s going on?” I try to say as if I’m not a million degrees of disappointed.
“My mom wants to go out. Says it’s important. Wants to talk to me about my dad, I think.”
“You want me to come with you?” I wanted to ask her how it went yesterday with him, but she konked out on my shoulder this morning pretty fast.
“I think it’s… well, it’s a family thing.”
I know it shouldn’t sting, but it does. Lex has always felt like family to me. Important talks with Pop-pop and Grams usually include her… but then I think about Brett showing up on our porch a couple months ago and Lex really wasn’t in on that conversation. So I let the sting go and say, “Yeah, okay.”
“I love you.”
“You too.”
“Do you want me to leave my window unlocked?”
I do… but I stink and I know once I get home I’ll probably want to stay there. I’m picking sleep over my girlfriend. I mean… I get that she needs to be with her mom tomorrow, but I’m feeling second choice. Why didn’t Lex’s mom just talk to her today? I shake my head, and grip the steering wheel. Feeling like this sucks, and I’m tired, and I don’t like feeling it, and I really don’t want to take it out on her.