Lonesome Beds and Bumpy Roads (Beds #3)

by Cassie Mae

  They fight over the paper towels, Kaylee going in for a cheap shot by snapping Nate’s suspenders and Nate going in for a cheap shot of his own and tickling her stomach. I march myself into the other room because I wouldn’t put it past them to start making out right in front of me. My presence hasn’t stopped them before.

  My hands trip over empty soda cans as I try to pile all the trash from the game room. After a few seconds, I give up, resting my butt against the card table. I cross my arms so I’m not tempted to yank my phone out to see what time it is. If Lex has texted. To make sure I don’t text her.

  What a shit day. This was supposed to be epic for us. Instead I fight with Lex about the bed I bought for her and I’m ditched at her surprise party.

  And I’m supposed to let it go. To understand.

  I kick a can and pinch the bridge of my nose. If our roles were reversed, I’d like to think that I’d make sure Lex still knew I loved her. That even though my dad was back in my life, she was still a priority.

  Something rips at my chest, pokes at the back of my eyeballs, crawls up my neck. I blink at the cards on the table, all of them blending in with each other. And it hits me from the side, bludgeons me where I’m not expecting.

  Maybe I’m upset about the time Lex is spending with her dad because… because I will never get that chance with mine.

  It’s a horrible thought. I beg my brain to push it aside, shove it out my ear and let it escape into the sea of thoughts that should never be acknowledged. But now that it’s there… it balloons. It takes up any extra space in my head, making the spot right behind my eyebrows pound and pound. Tiny bugs with chisels click away at my skull, and I try not to think about how badly I wish Lex’s dad never showed up. That we still had that in common. That we’d both have to live with the fact that our dad’s weren’t going to be around. That we could be around for each other. That that would be enough.

  Now she gets him back, and I…

  I’m an awful person.

  A soft crunch of a chip being crushed by a shoe turns my pounding and aching head toward the sound. Lex stands in the game room doorway holding a wrapped present for Nate and wearing a close-lipped smile. Only one dimple is showing.

  “Hey,” she says. I’m not sure if I trust my voice just yet, so I only nod at her.

  She comes up next to me, resting against the card table, hip-to-hip. Her arm brushes mine as she sets the present behind her, then she tucks in by my elbow. Her head finds my shoulder, and she breathes out a sigh of complete contentment.

  I hate that I hate how content she is.

  I want to erase my anger. I want to beat it down and forget. So instead of yelling, I reach for her cheek and pull her to my lips.

  I’m not soft. There is no prelude music. It’s heat and anger being forced into something passionate. Her mouth opens for me, her body relaxes against mine in the way it’s done so many times before. She should know that I’m just avoiding the impending argument. She does know it, I’m sure. But she’s not stopping me either.

  I get a firm grasp on her hips and hoist her onto the card table. She falls back against the felt, dragging me with her, both our hands slipping on the trick decks of cards, fumbling for each other’s touch.

  “Thank you,” she says in hushed breaths between hot and heavy kisses. “Thank you for not being mad.”

  The words swirl in my brain. They tumble around until I comprehend them in the way they’re meant to be interpreted. She doesn’t know that I’m avoiding. She doesn’t know, and it tosses gas onto the already burning flames inside of me.

  Lex has always known when I was upset. She sometimes knew without even seeing me. And the fact that we are this close to each other and she’s not sensing how I really feel makes me whip up off her. I watch her shocked eyes glisten with the overhead light, and I force my breath to ease.

  “I… I am mad,” I say. My feet touch the floor. My butt hits the edge of the table. My hand finds my face.

  I feel her ease to a sitting position. “Then why are you kissing me?”

  “Because… damn it Lex, I’m trying real hard not to be mad.”

  I hear her gulp. My hand drops from my face, but I don’t let my eyes meet hers.

  “I’m sorry,” she says. “I really did try to get here on time. I was hoping that you’d… you’d understand.”

  I’m really starting to hate that word. And the voice that I thought had long disappeared comes back with a vengeance.

  “You know, you preach about being honest with each other, but then when I tell you how I feel about shit, no matter how unjustified you think it is, you blow up at me. Then you turn around and lie to me.”

  “When have I lied to you?”

  “‘I’ll be there soon, promise.’ ‘I’m on my way.’ Pick one.”

  “I was on my way.”

  “From where? Canada?”

  She hops down from the card table and straightens her back. “We went for a drive up the canyon. It took a while to get back. But the car ran out of gas and my dad said that he’d top it off, but his card declined—”

  “Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve brought you gas.”

  “I didn’t want you missing out on the party either.”

  “I don’t give a shit about the party.” I turn to face her. “Do you have any idea how much that scares the hell out of me? That you’re with that guy—”

  “You mean my father?”

  “Do you really know him Lex? What’s his favorite color? What’s he been doing for the last decade? Is he getting treatments for his cancer? Has he given up? Is he sticking around for you or for him?”

  “Stop, please.”

  “I don’t trust him, Lex.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because he abandoned you!”

  “That was ten years ago. You know how it feels to lose someone like that.”

  “Yeah, I do.” I pull back, just noticing how close we’ve gotten to each other’s faces. “And we had each other, right? That’s why we became friends. That’s why we became best friends. Now he’s back and you have him and you don’t need me anymore.”

  She shakes her head. Rolls her eyes. Like I’m stupid, and maybe I am, but I don’t like seeing her think it.

  “That is so far away from what I’m saying. You have no idea how much I need you.”

  “Really? Because you’ve been doing pretty well these past few weeks.”

  “Bullshit. You’ve been as busy as I have.” She takes a step toward me, sharing the same breath. “I’ve craved your touch, wished you were in bed with me, wanted you next to me all the time.”

  She almost has me throwing her back on the card table. But the fact that we haven’t done any of those things isn’t just my fault. And the bitter words fall from my tongue. “But I never cancelled on you.”

  “Ryan,” she breathes, throwing her hands up in frustration. “He’s. My. Dad.”

  “The dad who left you when you were seven.”

  Her eyes widen with shock and hurt and they hit me too, like I just smacked myself across the face with the words I’m throwing at her.

  “I know,” she says, choking back wetness and pain. “Do you think that’s not going through my head every time I see him? That I don’t worry about him taking off again? That once more I wasn’t the daughter he’d hoped I was or this wasn’t the life he pictured? It’s always there, Ryan, beating my brain. But I can’t just let the chance of getting answers to all those questions that tortured me pass by.”

  “And I’m just jealous, right?” I spit, saying the thoughts I didn’t want to think. “That I’ll never get that opportunity with my dad.”

  “I didn’t say that!” she cries, angry tears now escaping her lids. “I would never say that.”

  “But it’s true.” My eyes have gone wet now, joining her in the thick song of pain that we’re singing. “I’m the bad guy, wanting you all to myself and wishing your dad had stayed far away from you.”

&nbs
p; “Please, stop.” She shakes her head. She grabs at her hair. She’s shaking and shaking and muttering and crying and it hurts so hard I feel my feet pull me into the ground. “I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m so sick of fighting. We don’t fight, we don’t fight.”

  “We fight, Lexie.”

  “Not like this. Not ever like this. Not even when you…”

  Her voice drifts off, and I wipe away at the clouded mess we’ve made between us, finally connecting her thoughts to mine.

  “Downed an entire mini bar?”

  Her eyes pull up, piercing into me, begging me to listen. “I didn’t even last a week without talking to you. Isn’t that proof enough that I need you?”

  “That was before he came back,” I say, knowing I shouldn’t say anything anymore, but it’s all coming out.

  Her eyes slam shut. “Please… please. Let’s not fight. I don’t want to fight.”

  “I don’t want to fight either. But avoiding it isn’t doing us any good.”

  “Then what do we do? How do we fix it?”

  I let out a sigh, calming the raging sea that I’ve kept buried in order to make her happy. What a dumb idea that was.

  “I don’t trust him. And I know I don’t have anything but a hunch to go off of. That and…”

  “And what?”

  Honesty. She wants honest. I want honest.

  “I saw your dad the other day. He was with a woman, on a date or something.”

  She blinks. Traces her nail across the wood on the card table. “Where at?”

  “Movie theater.”

  She’s quiet. Then, “He’s single. He’s allowed to date.”

  “It’s not that.” I rub the back of my head, knowing saying it out loud makes me sound crazy paranoid. “It was… he looked… well put together.”

  “It was a date. Even you clean off most of your monkey grease for those.”

  She tries to grin at me, but I can’t return it. I’m so exhausted I can’t even manage to move all that much. The corners of her mouth turn down and she lets out a sigh.

  “Please don’t make me choose,” she says. “I can’t choose between you and him. That’s not fair.”

  “I’m not making you choose. I just love you too much to keep quiet about it.”

  She folds into herself, covering her face with her hand. I reach for her, wanting to hold her through the pain, through our confusion, through our impasse, but she jerks away from me. It hurts more than any of the words we shouted at each other.

  I draw back my hand. “Okay,” I whisper softly, mostly to myself. I push from the card table and locate my keys. My feet wade through the party mess along with the mess of our fight scattered around us. The river of tears, the mountain of sharp words, the spattered pieces of both of our hearts dripping down the walls. And Lex in the middle of it all, hunched over… by herself… because even though she says she needs me, she doesn’t want me right now.

  And I walk out of our mess and into one of my own, where I struggle with turning back and forcing her into my arms or keep on moving toward my car without even wishing her a happy birthday.

  After much deliberation, the latter finally wins out.

  Chapter 21

  Lexie

  It wasn’t supposed to be like this. For the first time in my life, I finally felt like my family was coming back together, but without Ryan, none of it matters. He’s my everything. My best friend, my boyfriend, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on… except right now he’s not here, and the pain rips through my chest and pushes out my eyes.

  Tears stream down my face and my body becomes too heavy to hold up. I grab onto the card table, but my legs give out and I collapse on the floor. I don’t even know what just happened. Did we break up? No we didn’t. Couldn’t. We promised each other forever. But lately, neither of us has been keeping our promises.

  Am I so wrong for wanting my Dad back in my life? I get being skeptical. I was. I was more skeptical than everybody, but he…he proved himself. He’s back because he wants to be in my life. And yes he abandoned me, but he’s back now and he’s trying to make up for all the lost time. He made a mistake. He’s human for heaven’s sake.

  Just when I get everything I ever wanted, my life crumbles around me. The pain is so intense. I grab my stomach as the sobs overtake my body.

  I hear mumbles from the other room, but I can’t focus on it. All I can concentrate on is the ache in my heart, the vision of Ryan walking away from me.

  “I swear, I hear something,” Kaylee’s voice breaks through my thoughts, but I don’t get off the floor. If anything hearing her voice makes me cry harder.

  “Lexie?” Kaylee comes sliding on her knees to my side. She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight.

  “I’m so sorry,” I choke out. “I should’ve been here.”

  Her hold on me grows stronger and I can see Nate’s shoes in front of me. I don’t look up. I know without looking he’s standing there with his hands in his pockets trying to figure out if he should stay or go.

  Kaylee pushes my hair out of my face. “Why weren’t you here?” she asks and I can detect the disappointment in her tone, and it rips the last shred of my heart to little tiny pieces.

  “I can’t say no to my dad.” I manage to get out before I go into full on crazy person cryfest. “Ryan hates me.”

  Nate’s hand rests on my shoulder, and he switches places with Kaylee, holding me against his chest. “I think you are the last person Ryan would hate.”

  “You didn’t hear our fight.”

  “No, but I hear the smile in his voice every time you call. Even those times when you two are having an off day, he still can’t help how happy he is just to hear your voice. He’s not going anywhere, Lexie.”

  “How do you know?”

  “He bought you a bed. If that doesn’t say commitment, I don’t know what does.”

  I think of Nate’s words and wonder if things have changed. Is he going to toss that mattress onto the roof of the IROC and drive straight to the store to return it?

  “You missed a great party,” Nate finally says.

  Kaylee sits down next to us. “I had a mani/pedi station set up just for you.”

  “I can’t believe I missed it.”

  “It was epic,” Kaylee says with a smile.

  “I bet it was.”

  “I still have the station set up. I didn’t take it down, hoping you’d show. We can give each other manicures.”

  “I’ve already done enough damage for one day. I’m not going to take away Nate’s birthday evening.” I air quote evening.

  “I had a birthday morning,” Nate says with a smile, and despite the pain still ripping through me, I laugh.

  “I bought you a birthday gift,” I say to Nate. “It’s really cool.”

  “I got you something too.”

  “Nail polish,” I say.

  Nate’s eyes widen in mock shock. “How’d you know?”

  He has been getting me four bottles of OPI nail polish every year for as long as I can remember. The majority of my collection is from him. He knows how much I love it and how expensive it is, and because I never have money, I look forward to my birthday every year. It’s become a tradition.

  Nate has been there for me too. He’s the other constant in my life.

  “I’m sorry I ruined your birthday,” I tell him.

  “No offense, but the party was awesome even without you,” he says, and Kaylee swats his shoulder, but I can tell she’s super flattered. Nate rubs his arm and continues. “I even got to teach them a few things and I’m going to Vegas to be in a magician competition.”

  “Vegas competition, wow. That’s amazing.”

  “I know!” Nate jumps a little next to me, causing my head to bounce. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be so excited when you’re so…”

  “No. You should be. Vegas is your dream.” I lift myself off the floor and look at my two best friends. “Thank you guys, for sitting on the floor with
me and letting me cry, but I’m just going to go home now.”

  “Absolutely not,” Kaylee says.

  “I just…”

  “Alexis Boggs, you march that skinny little booty of yours up those stairs. We have a sleepover every birthday and who knows what’s going to happen once we’re in college. We are not missing this one. Go! I’ll be up soon.”

  I smile then throw my arms around Kaylee. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Bestie.”

  I hug Nate next. “Happy eighteenth birthday, Nate.”

  “Happy birthday, Lexie.”

  “I’ll be up soon,” Kaylee says as I let go of Nate.

  “Take your time.”

  I head up to Kaylee’s room and go into the bottom dresser drawer where she keeps a few things of mine. My favorite purple flannel pajama pants are right on top, so I take them out and pull them on. She has a million magazines scattered across her bed, so I gather them and place them on her nightstand. Her room is actually pretty clean in comparison. She must’ve anticipated nightly activities.

  I slump on the bedspread, falling to my back. It’s been a long day. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I know Kaylee wants a sleepover, but I hope she’s okay with just sleeping. Then again, whenever she’s with Nate she loses track of time. I’ll be lucky if she gets up here before the sun comes up.

  I grab my phone and hope there’ll be a text from Ryan. My heart plummets into my stomach when I flip it over to a blank screen. I go to my contacts and tap his name.

  Lexie: I’m sorry.

  I hold my phone for over an hour, but nothing. Not even a happy birthday.

  Chapter 22

  Ryan

  I’m in the garage the rest of the weekend. Brett keeps me company, and sometimes Pop-pop comes and sits with us.

  No one brings up Lex. I’m not sure if I’m relieved about that, or dying for someone to give me an excuse to say her name.

  ***

  Monday rolls around; the first day of what’s bound to be a hellish week. Graduation is next Friday, and the sweet smell of freedom is overpowered by the stench of final exams.

  Ms. Schafer holds out the bin with our phones, and we all take turns digging through to find our own. It’s policy in Calculus for finals—no cells until all the tests have been handed in. Jimmy was the last guy to turn over his test, and we’ve got about five minutes to spare.