Crazy Bitch (Bitches and Queens)

by Rachael James

  “Has he lost his mind? What is wrong with him?” Willow whispered to Hannah.

  “Nothing is wrong,” Hannah whispered back. “This is Sam around strangers.”

  “You have to stop him.”

  “No one can stop when he is like this,” Hannah answered.

  “You could,” Willow shot back.

  “And ruin all the fun?” Hannah questioned. “I think Kate’s entire family deserves to know exactly who she is marrying.”

  By the time they arrived at Hannah’s house, Willow knew even driving at top speed, she would miss most of the first set thanks to Sam. Privately, she thought he would be lucky if Kate actually showed up at the church tomorrow. After tonight’s performance, Willow knew she would be having second thoughts. Kate seemed like such a nice lady. What on earth did she see in him?

  “I’ll be here at eight o’clock to pick you up,” Willow said as she put the car in park.

  Normally, she wasn’t her chauffeur, but Hannah had wanted the two of them to arrive together tonight and tomorrow for the wedding. And because it was important to Hannah and because she was quite possibly the most aggressive driver on the road, Willow had offered to drive instead.

  “I need you to come in for a minute,” Hannah said.

  “I’m running late,” Willow denied.

  “You’re already late and it will only take a minute.”

  “Hannah, I don’t think that is a good idea.”

  “What’s your fucking problem? Don’t you trust me?”

  “It’s not that,” Willow growled. “Fine, but I can’t stay.”

  As soon as Hannah closed the front door, Willow asked, “What did you need?”

  Hannah walked over slowly and reached for Willow’s hands. “I need you to call Zach and tell him you can’t make it tonight.”

  “I can’t do that,” Willow declared and tried to pull her hands free but Hannah held on firmly.

  “I’m not handling this well,” Hannah pleaded. “I thought I would be all right with Sam getting married, but I’m not. I need you to stay with me because I’m always better when you’re around.”

  “Hannah, no,” Willow said once again, trying to tug her hands free. “You’ll be fine, and I’ll be back first thing in the morning.”

  “NO!” Hannah screeched madly. She viciously tore the engagement ring off Willow’s finger, cutting her tender knuckle, and tossed it across the room. “You don’t love him because you are in love with me!”

  “I’m bleeding,” Willow yelled and finally stepped back.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Hannah gushed and started to step forward but Willow stepped to the side.

  “Don’t,” Willow warned. For a moment, she considered looking for her ring but decided against it. “I’m leaving now.”

  “No, don’t go,” Hannah cried, following her to the door.

  Willow opened the door and then turned back around one last time. She touched Hannah’s face with her hand that wasn’t bleeding. “Hannah, go take a bath and then go to bed. I’ll be back first thing in the morning. We’ll talk then.”

  The next day, Sam was alone in one of the bible school classrooms with his phone to his ear. “Where the hell are you?” he gritted through his teeth.

  He had already tried to call Hannah four times, but she hadn’t picked up. Now, ten minutes before he was to get married, she was a no-show. Hannah had always run on her own time schedule, but this was ridiculous. It was only the biggest day of his life. Sam had just disconnected the call when his phone started ringing. About fucking time, he grumbled under his breath. “Where the hell are you?” he questioned into the line.

  “Sam?”

  “Willow?”

  “Sam, oh my God, I don’t know what to do!” Willow screamed hysterically. “Hannah has barricaded herself in her room. I’ve tried all morning to get her to come out, but she won’t open the door. And she just fired a gun in there. They’ve called the police.”

  “What?” Sam screamed.

  Willow repeated herself with the same irrational urgency. Sam could barely comprehend what she was saying. The only thing he knew for certain was that Hannah may or may not have just killed herself.

  “HAN-NAH!” Willow screamed as she pounded against the door.

  “I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Sam declared and hung up the phone.

  Walking purposefully towards the other classroom, where Kate was gathered with her bridesmaids and Jane, he opened the door wide.

  “Sam, what are you doing?” Kate hissed.

  Sam’s world came to screeching halt. For a few seconds he forgot all about Hannah and everything else in the world. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered reverently.

  “Sam, what’s going on?” Kate asked warily.

  “I love you,” he answered.

  “Sam?” Kate questioned.

  “I have to leave,” he said and then whispered into Kate’s ear. “Hannah may have just killed herself.”

  “What?” Kate gasped.

  Sam reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly. “I love you. I really do.”

  “Sam, no! Don’t do this! Don’t you dare walk away from me again!”

  “Kate, I’m sorry. I guess you can’t start without me. Just… I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Sam whispered as he turned and walked away.

  Chapter 18

  Kate’s heart sank to her stomach. She couldn’t believe Sam had just walked away—again. After everything they had gone through to get this moment, he had said he would be back as soon as he could. Seriously? This wasn’t like standing her up on a freaking date. It was their wedding for God sake.

  Taking only a few seconds to access the situation, Kate quickly realized this was just one of Hannah’s ploys—rather last second and desperate but effective none the least. Well, that bitch had another thing coming if she thought it would really work. One way or another, come twelve-thirty, she was going to become Sam’s wife.

  Spinning on her heels, Kate called out to Jenner, her maid-of-honor, and her mother, “Slight change of plans. If we’re not back in an hour, tell everyone to go to the reception hall. We will meet them there.”

  On the way out of the door, Kate nearly ran into the minister, who had witnessed Sam’s abrupt departure and was on his way to the bridal party to see if a last-minute counseling session was in order.

  “Good! You are just the man I wanted to find. I need you to come with me now,” Kate explained as she began to drag him out the front entrance.

  Sam had already reached his car when he heard Kate scream, “Sam Montgomery, the last time you walked away from me you went on a four-month, international cocaine tour!”

  Sam held his arms wide. “It’s not like that. I swear. I’ve really got to go. I’m sorry!”

  Kate stormed across the parking lot, stopping once she reached the passenger side door and then angrily pulled it open. “I’m going with you,” Kate exclaimed. “Make that we’re going with you.”

  Sam turned and looked surprised at the sight of the baffled minister who was being dragged alongside Kate’s long train.

  “Hey Mark,” Sam muttered.

  “Sam,” Mark acknowledged warily.

  As soon as Kate was situated and buckled in, she turned around to face Mark, who was sitting in the backseat. “You may begin,” she said politely.

  “You want to get married here? In a car?” Mark questioned.

  “Yes,” Kate answered.

  “Without any other witnesses, I’m not sure it counts,” he said.

  “It counts!” Kate and Sam declared in unison.

  “All right then,” Mark grumbled. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered together in the sight of God to witness… Whoa, whoa, whoa, son, you need to slow down. I want to meet my maker just like the next preacher, but I hadn’t planned on doing so today,” he called out as Sam peeled out of the lot, causing him to go sailing in the backseat.

  “Sam, slow down,” Kate demanded.
/>   “No,” Sam answered firmly.

  Kate turned back around and looked embarrassed. “Sorry, he really is a safe driver. You can continue.”

  Mark was perplexed. They had seemed like such a normal couple during their pre-wedding sessions. Now, Sam was veering in out of the lanes like he was a Nascar driver, Kate didn’t seem to notice anything amiss, and neither of them had bothered to explain why they had left the church or where they were going in such hurry.

  Once Mark started up again, Sam reached into pocket and pulled out his cellphone. He dialed Willow’s number. “What’s going on? Have you heard anything inside the bedroom?” He paused while she answered then sneered. “Well, maybe if you would stop screaming like a freaking lunatic, you might actually be able to hear something?”

  Kate elbowed Sam in his side. “You’re not even paying attention. I can’t believe you are making a call in the middle of our wedding. You only get to this once.”

  Sam glanced in the rearview mirror. “I do,” he proclaimed.

  Kate waved her hand in disgust and then crossed her arms defiantly under her breast. “We’re not even at that part yet.”

  “Sorry,” Sam mouthed and then turned his attention back to phone. “Did it sound like something moving or someone breathing heavily?”

  Kate rolled her eyes in frustration. She didn’t think it was too much to ask for him to be here in the moment with her. No, instead he was completely focused on Hannah. That evil witch was probably doing a victory jig inside her bedroom. The more Kate thought about it, the less she believed Hannah would ever do anything to harm herself, especially not with a gun. Hannah was too enamored with her own image to ever risk marring it.

  Taking the exit that led to Hannah’s subdivision, Sam slammed on the breaks and came to a screeching halt in the middle of a busy four-lane road. Kate was just about to ask if he had lost his mind when he leaned over, pulled her into his arms, and proceeded to kiss her as if nothing else mattered but the two of them. He lingered for only a few moments then pulled away and punched the accelerator.

  It was the kind of kiss that stole her breath that made her forgive any and all of his faults. Then he ruined it.

  Glancing once again into the rearview mirror, Sam motioned to the bar that they had just passed and explained, “That was the first place we fucked.”

  Kate’s jaw dropped. For several moments, she was speechless, but then gasped, “I can’t believe you just said that in front of a man of God.”

  “What?” Sam questioned defensively. Glaring, he reached for wallet and proceeded to pull out a twenty-dollar bill.

  “It doesn’t work that way,” Kate hissed. “You can’t say anything you want and then pay it off.”

  “I will take that,” Mark interrupted. “Last night between you and your friend, we rose over half the amount we needed for our Honduras mission trip.”

  “Ah!” Sam declared triumphantly. “Because I said the word fuck some little Honduran child will get clean water.”

  “Actually, it’s a medical mission trip. We have several doctors and nurses in our congregation.”

  “Even better,” Sam said. “My filthy language may single-handedly eradicate polio in a third- world country.”

  Kate was still giving him the evil eye. Conceding with a grump, he said, “It was the first place I knew her biblically speaking. Is that better?”

  “No, Sam, it is not better,” Kate growled. “People aren’t supposed to do that before they get married.”

  “What?” Sam questioned, confused as he looked over at Kate. A small smile curled his lips, his first genuine one of the day, and then he started to laugh.

  “Look at the road,” Kate demanded.

  Sam turned his attention back to his driving but he couldn’t stop laughing. Finally, he explained, “Babe, that’s just what they tell little kids—like Santa Claus and leprechauns. Although I’m not sure why parents lie about the whole leprechaun thing. It’s no wonder some adults are so screwed up with the amount of crap their parents tell them as kids. People really don’t wait for marriage.”

  Kate’s eyes narrowed to slits. Sam looked back in the mirror and saw Mark watching him equally stone-faced. It dawned on him that that might be one fairy tale that was true. He gasped in outrage. “What the hell are they waiting for? It would be like buying a used car without going out for a test drive. Sure, it might look all clean and shiny on the outside, but once you get inside it smells like beer and stale cigarettes. You spend half the night pumping the gas and still can’t get the damn thing started. That’s ridiculous!”

  “People wait because the bible says that is what we are supposed to do,” Mark answered calmly.

  “Yeah, well it was written two thousand years ago when people got married when they were ten years old. Jeez, you think they would come up with a more modern interpretation,” Sam shot back.

  When Sam said he wanted them write their own wedding vows, Kate had been touched. She never imagined he would spout off about leprechauns and used cars. Why hadn’t she just let him come in drag?

  Turning around in her seat, she said to Mark, “I am so sorry. He isn’t normally like this. His psychotic friend is pretending to be suicidal.”

  Mark seemed to understand or at least did a very good job of pretending to. He finished the ceremony by saying, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may not kiss the bride. You just need to shut up and drive.”

  As soon as Sam parked in Hannah’s drive, he vaulted from the car. Apparently, Mark thought he might be of some assistance as well as he followed quickly on his heels. Kate wrestled with her dress, which had looked fabulous while she was standing, but not so great crammed inside a vehicle. Fishing through the yards of tulle and ornamental beading, she eventually found the seat belt and released herself. On the way up the drive, she passed no less than two police cars with their lights blazing, one paramedic, and a fire truck. She understood the police cars and paramedic, but what was with the fire truck? Jeez, some people are just attention-seeking, drama queen bitches. Several of the neighbors had begun gathering outside, looking more curious than worried.

  Once she stepped inside, Kate could hear the parade of people surrounding Hannah’s bedroom door. The police officers spoke with a calm, assertive authority. Mark threw in occasional tidbits about reaching out for Jesus. And Sam and Willow were both shouting hysterically. Consuela, who was standing with several of the other servants in the front room, paced as she silently wrung her hands.

  Kate glanced at the wall clock. Had Hannah not so rudely interrupted their wedding, she and Sam would have been pronounced man and wife just about now. Several minutes passed and there was still no sigh of Hannah. From the snippets of conversations that floated down from the second floor, Kate gathered that there was some conversation about forcing the door open. As they still didn’t know whether she was alive or dead, although Kate was one hundred percent certain she was not only alive but also gleefully enjoying her moment in the sun, and quite possibly armed with a loaded weapon, there was talk of calling in the SWAT team. The SWAT team—were they for real? While they were at it, they might as well phone the newspapers and every other media outlet in town. If this kept up much longer, they were going to miss the reception as well. A girl could miss her own wedding, but the reception too? Kate realized that she was going to have to take matters into her own hands. Even if she had to drag that bitch out kicking and screaming, they were going to have their champagne toast—not to mention the ultra-cheesy photograph of Sam removing her garter with his teeth. They had been practicing for weeks.

  “Is there any other way into her bedroom?” Kate asked Consuela.

  “She has balcony, but it’s pretty high,” Consuela answered warily.

  “Do you have a ladder?”

  “Yes, but I don’t think it would be safe to climb in that dress,” Consuela answered.

  “I’ll be fine,” Kate declared. In this dress, she felt like a freaking superhero, invincible
. After all, she went through hell and back just to wear it—it wouldn’t let her down now.

  Halfway up, she realized that she had done crazier things in her life than climb a twelve-foot-tall ladder while wearing heels and a dress that weighed at least fifteen pounds. At the moment, she couldn’t remember a single one, but she was certain that had she done them. Moving up hadn’t been so difficult, but hoisting herself over the wrought-iron railing proved to be a bit more challenging.

  As soon as she and all her many layers of dress was properly situated on balcony, Kate noticed the breeze ruffle the sheer curtains. Since first thing this morning, people had been pounding on the bedroom door all the while the balcony was left open. It felt a little too easy, but she refused to back down now. She had a party to attend, not to mention the fact that she preferred taking the stairs back down.

  Pulling back the sheers, Kate knew instantly that she may have made one tiny, little, quite possibly fatal, mistake. It wasn’t a game. It wasn’t a ploy. Hannah had truly gone insane.

  Chapter 19

  The wreckage was indescribable. What Kate assumed was once a four-poster bed was now only a pile of feathers and splintered wood. Shredded clothes and bits of paper cluttered the floor until there wasn’t an inch of carpet revealed. Yet, none of it compared to the rancid-smelling wall art. Brown and green colored hieroglyphs lined the walls. Hannah’s choice of medium had come from somewhere deep inside her bowels.

  Going on visual and olfactory overload, Kate had to cover her mouth to keep the contents of her stomach from spewing forth. As she glanced around the room, Kate realized that they weren’t random symbols of madness. Each picture told a story and the stories connected to form a map. It was a map to Hannah’s worst nightmare—her own personal, private hell. Had Kate not ventured there once herself, she might not have recognized it for what it was, but she had and she knew. Hannah had painted every sin, every violation committed against her.

  Kate suddenly noticed a huge pair of electric blue eyes peeking at her from a crack in the closet door. “Hannah?” Kate whispered.

  Down on her hands and knees, Hannah scampered at lightning quick speed towards her. Kate tried to move out of the way, but she was too late. Whatever was all over her walls was also all over Hannah, and when she reached up and clung to Kate’s waist, it got all over her wedding dress.