Black Nerd Problems

by William Evans

  For my money, I’d pick an anime universe to live in. Only problem is, which one? Anime shows can literally be about anything from sci-fi to sports or fantasy to music. I am tempted to say that the anime Naruto is the universe I’d take residence in. Naruto is a show about a lil abandoned boy named Naruto Uzumaki that becomes a ninja in order to one day get chosen to be Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village (the title of the strongest ninja that protects everyone in the village) so the villagers that shunned him will then embrace him. As Naruto grows up, we see him fighting to reform the whole ninja system and bring peace to all the nations with ninja villages. Naruto is really a beautiful story that talks about how important bonds and friendships are to keep people on the right path or bring them back to the light no matter how lost in the darkness they are. I just know that personally, my one big problem is that if I am livin’ in that universe, I am not going to be as compassionate as Naruto Uzumaki is.

  Naruto out here sympathizing with some of the folks who were legit ready to kill him on a ninja mission. Yet, through the sheer power of friendship (after throwing a few hands), he turns enemies into friends. Me? We can be friends after they’re six feet in the fucking ground. I’m sorry, I’m not sitting here listening to a “why we should be friends” speech accompanied by a sad-ass flashback to my enemy’s childhood. Forgive me if I don’t wanna see where this person that’s been trying to kill me for the past two twenty-minute episodes is coming from. Naruto would arrive to help me as a reinforcement and be attempting to pull at their heartstrings, but just as they began to see the error of their ways, I’d Shawn Michaels superkick their head off their shoulders because I didn’t read the room to realize we were at an unwritten cease-fire. Now I’m frustrated, arguing with Naruto like, “Oh, I’m fucking sorry, that ninja tried to kill me not five minutes ago before you showed up. My bad not realizing you were trying to have a heart-to-heart sit-down with them in the middle of a damn fight.”

  Look, Naruto got his name in the title of the show, so he gon’ be all right. I ain’t got that type of plot armor, so I’ma have to kill these enemies that step to me. Then there’s how Naruto handled things with his rival/“best friend” Sasuke Uchiha. Man, Sasuke left the Hidden Leaf Village to seek power from Orochimaru, a ninja enemy of the state, then Sasuke worked for Akatsuki, a terrorist ninja organization, and on top of that he attacked a meeting of all the head village leaders then killed Danzo, the Hidden Leaf Village’s stand-in leader (who honestly had that smoke coming). Your ninja was out here wylin’! Naruto’s friends had a legit intervention with him to tell him that they were going to take Sasuke the fuck out. Not out clothes shopping, house shopping, or for drinks followed by dinner. They were planning on killing that man. Naruto said that Sasuke was his responsibility, that he’d handle him.

  Fam, I woulda already been en route to find Sasuke and beat his ass. I’d have beat his ass not with kindness or the power of friendship but with these damn bare hands, ’cause he out here making our village look bad and fucking our money up. Listen, I love a heart-to-heart moment followed by a flashback to relate to a character as well, but some characters just need their asses beat. That boy Sasuke? Yeah, he needed an ass-whupping way earlier than when he got it from Naruto. I’d have let Sasuke choose between getting the brakes beat off ’em or the floral arrangements for his funeral service.

  Hmm, maybe I don’t have the temperament to live in the Naruto universe. I’d still consider taking up residence there. I’ll tell you what anime I wouldn’t be caught dead in. There’s no way I’d ever step in the Food Wars anime universe without being held at gunpoint. Food Wars, or Food Wars! Shokugeki no Soma, is a really good fictional anime cooking show. The chefs are all young students attending a school where they learn and battle against/with one another. The show breaks down a lot of actual chemistry that goes into real-life cooking with the dishes they are creating—why certain seasonings react with each other, which ingredients complement one another to bring out flavor, the way a meat is cut giving it a different taste. Living in this anime universe should be a foodie’s dream, right? Not me. I don’t wanna live in the Food Wars universe, because every time the chefs serve a dish, everyone that eats it gets transported to Freaknik ’91.

  I’ma let the non-Black folks reading this take the time to google Freaknik. Go ahead. See what I’m talking about? Yeah, now imagine that happening but in your mouth. In Food Wars, the dishes these chefs make get judges talkin’ like they on an episode of HBO’s Real Sex when describing the flavors. They legit go Skinemax talking about how the seasonings, sweetness, savoriness (savory-ness? savor-i?… Sir Mix-a-Lot?), etc., complements the dish. After all that is said, and the judges, customer, or whoever is eating the dish can’t take it anymore, this shit gets into Booty Talk 19 territory as they hit a cutscene where these people’s clothes literally start flying off like the Ecstasy pill just hit. These folks out here orgasming over food, man. That’s what they’re implying.

  Sometimes it’s just a cutscene of either people moaning or their clothes legit flying off. All over the screen we got women hittin’ their O face as the spotlight hits their unmentionables that we are now mentioning. Men got their genitalia glowing, which leads me to believe they essentially bustin’ on themselves ’cause their pants clearly flew off prior. Oh, they giving you all the erotic softcore fan service in Food Wars. I just know I can’t with that shit. Now let’s be clear, I’m not saying that I can’t live in the Food Wars universe because I’m a prude or sexually repressed. I keep it ’95 Adina Howard in the morning and in the evening. I’m just saying the trade-off for eating out-of-this-world food being erotic fan service with each bite is going to be mad extra after a few days. Sure, it’s cool the first time I eat an upside-down pineapple cake and I gotta excuse myself to go switch into a spare set of pants. That’s dope. I get close to that feeling in real life whenever my wife makes butter chicken and garlic naan. I get it.

  So, if eating that fruit and Bavarian cream verrine makes you make a mess on yourself, more power to you. I’m happy for you. I’m right there with you. But let’s not act like that shit wouldn’t have moments where it’d be weird or annoying as fuck. If I’m meeting up with a friend and they’re asking me how everything’s going, I’m really not trying to talk about how the death of my mother still haunts me as they’re reenacting the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

  ME: It’s just hard, you know?

  FRIEND: YES! YES! I KNOW, SO HARD! OH, I KNOW!

  ME: All right, let’s talk about this after you’re done with your frittata.

  FRIEND: KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING!

  ME: I… I really don’t want t—

  FRIEND: THE FLAVORS KEEP GOING!

  ME: Annnnnd you’re not talking to me. Cool. Cool… cool.

  FRIEND: *now nude and catching their breath* Whew… Yeah, man, moving on is har—

  ME: Nope! Not gon’ act like that didn’t happen, especially since you kept eye contact going the entire time.

  That shit would be very weird among catching up with friends. Don’t even get me started about catching up with family. That shit would be extremely awkward. I cannot stop thinking about that. You know what else I think about? Do folks just be out here busting in restaurants while eating food with other customers around? Is that just the norm? I’m just imagining that it must really be hard to even have a conversation when the man at table 3, right in my peripheral vision, is putting nipple clamps on before he dives into his Gotcha! Pork Roast. You know damn well people would take it that fucking far. That’s the shit the anime isn’t showing us. Hey, maybe it’s just me, but that’s what I think about. Like trying to have a date night with my wife and the couple at table 5 climaxing at just the sound of the mac and cheese being mixed and poured onto their plates. You get where I’m coming from? You ain’t going to be hearing a damn thing the person you’re dining with is saying over the sound of folks climaxing. Not to mention, how I expect to see servers wiping EVERYTHING down once custo
mers are done eating.

  Hey, maybe I’m the crazy one here. Maybe the dream is to be in a universe where the food is so delicious an orgy is considered a bunch of people getting together for brunch, swinging is considered everyone ordering off the shared-plate menu, and an open relationship is saying, “You’ve GOT to try this,” while reaching over to have someone eat off your fork while your partner is aware and totally comfortable with what’s occurring. Maybe I’m the weird one for not wanting to have my laundry bill skyrocket from busting each time I have a peach cobbler. I’m just saying, I don’t wanna have to keep hydrating after every bite of the hanger steak I ordered. Food Wars is a great anime, but I know the cost of living in that universe is one I don’t have enough change of clothes to afford.

  Y’all Gotta Chill with the Slander and Let Batman Cook

  WILLIAM EVANS, aka Commissioner Jamaal Gordon

  I KNOW IT’S my fault for taking the bait. Twitter ain’t real life, but folks have gotten real comfortable on there. Quote tweeting to dunk on takes they don’t like. Twenty-part tweet threads to nowhere. And talking shit about Batman. I’m fed up on that last one. Batman ain’t did nothing to nobody but mind his business and do some moonlighting in a Kevlar suit that might resemble a nocturnal character. Okay, that’s probably not true. For Batman to be Batman, he gotta mind his business, your business, the slum you came up in’s business. But like the Deacon from The Wire says, a good churchman is always up in everybody’s shit. Okay, Bruce probably ain’t attending church since his parents’ service. You know what, let’s just say Batman been getting punted the last few years for clout and I’m tired of it. I know he gets every new DC comic. I know you can’t make a DC movie or TV franchise without the Bat being involved. The brand is that strong, y’all. He’s lightweight a progressive hero if y’all give that man a chance.

  LET’S TALK PAPER

  First off, I already know what y’all thinking. Billionaires shouldn’t exist. The way my politics are set up, I’m inclined to agree with you. So maybe this is a terrible start…

  But let me say this, there’s a lot of billionaire-ass behavior Bruce Wayne doesn’t rock with that I appreciate. Bruce ain’t out here buying up development properties and selling them to his elite friends. Bruce saw that gentrification train roll past Wayne Manor and was like, “I’m good, I’ll walk.” Could Bruce be doing more with his money for the city of Gotham? The perpetually dark and gray-ass Gotham? I mean, yeah, probably. Funding the orphanage is literally the least he could do. I don’t know what the GDP of Gotham is, but it’s hard to imagine he couldn’t Andrew Yang that shit and fund the legislation of a universal income.

  Still, Bruce ain’t out here consolidating wealth. The money is a curse, yo. He inherited that shit like bad vision. He not even trying to make more money. Your boy cares about justice, not dividends. You ever see Bruce out here advocating for a tax cut? You ever see Bruce trying to put a golf course where a low-income neighborhood once stood? I don’t know what the tax codes be like in Gotham, but I feel like Bruce is willing to pay his fair share. And it’s not like he has a disdain for poor people. He has a disdain for EVERYBODY. It’s not like he out here funding terrible politicians. He learned his lesson with Two-Face and said never again.

  BATMAN SAID FUCK (MOST OF) THE POLICE

  While we talking money, you ain’t never gonna see Bruce Wayne or Batman out here on some Blue Lives Matter or Thin Blue Line bullshit. He hates them muthafuckas the most! Forget Gotham for a second—you know how few murders get solved every year? You literally have a 40 percent chance of getting away with murder, folks. Like, please reset your expectations of what law enforcement actually does for a minute. And they couldn’t find the killers of the richest people in the city? Batman been knowing they worthless. The Gotham PD is a corrupt unit of blowhards who shoot first and ask questions of the crime boss controlling them later. Batman got the best tech in the world, but his home police force still out here with the same equipment from 1974. Is it Defund the Police in Gotham? Probably not. But Bruce could’ve made them bastards supercops and he was like, “Nah. I got a cape, we gonna be aiight.”

  Batman shows up at a crime scene and talks to exactly one muthafucka. He don’t even like Gordon that much either cuz he never says goodbye, he just leaves that dude on read constantly. And when the riots start up in Gotham cuz Harvey Bullock shot a kid in the back, where Batman gonna be? It ain’t bustin’ up protestors. My dude gonna be up on the gargoyle fifty stories above the street. My dude don’t mess with law-abiding citizens like that. Besides, you know Riddler out there plotting some shit, he gotta make time.

  I AM HERE ONCE AGAIN TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PRIVILEGE

  Let’s keep this shit real simple. That’s a white billionaire dressing up as a bat patrolling the city. First off, let’s not kink shame my dude. Imagine what you would be wearing if you had “fuck you” money and it made you feel powerful. Second, until we get more brave writers out there (with staying power), Batman just gonna be white, just gonna be white, just gonna be white. This is where we at. So yeah, he probably gets away with so much more shit than someone from a marginalized community would. But here’s what I know: Ain’t no complaints about Bruce being inappropriate at Wayne Enterprises. There’s no lawsuits against Bruce for promoting a toxic work environment. This may be because Bruce is almost never there cuz, again, HE DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT NONE OF THIS MONOPOLY SHIT. But the fact remains, Bruce ain’t throwing his influence around for terrible power dynamic shit.

  I also want to take a look at Batman’s rogues’ gallery. You might know the most popular ones: Penguin, Riddler, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, Clayface, Two-Face, Mr. Freeze, the Joker. You notice anything? Y’all better let him bring these white terrorists to justice. Batman ain’t out here targeting folks from marginalized communities, man. I mean, that mostly cuz comic books been really monolithic forever and Black people hardly existed there. But a win is a win, I make no apologies. I’m lightweight like, them bastards are crazy as fuck, let them stay white, to be honest. We got enough stereotypes to combat, we don’t need crazy comic book villain added to the list. What you gonna do, make the Mad Hatter into Headpiece? Or Mad Lids & Timbs? He just gonna have a bunch of New York Yankees hats in different colors? I’ll pass. Yeah, I know Bane is out there being his brilliant and brawny Mexican self. But he broke Batman’s back, yo. What else you want from the Bat? I didn’t say he was perfect and he wasn’t gonna want vengeance every once in a while. I know Bane is an addict and there are a lot of ways to show more empathy toward dude when he out here terrorizing the streets. But again. Broke. His. Back.

  After that, finding other people of color that Batman gets into scuffles with is very hard. You know how many rungs on the ladder you gotta climb down before you get to Bronze Tiger? Which of course is racist as hell. He’s from the era of comics where if a character wasn’t white, you had to explicitly state that in their name. You could maybe count Ra’s al Ghul, but there’s mutual respect there and Ra’s is basically a king of a foreign land. Batman ain’t exactly “beating up” on him. And sometimes Deadshot has been either written, animated, or cast as a Black person… but dude is a sniper. And Batman is clearly about this gun control in these streets.

  STOP THE (GUN) VIOLENCE

  I originally wanted to say Batman don’t do that ultraviolence, but you gotta qualify that with gun violence, cuz Batman will still whup someone’s ass, quite mercilessly in fact. But Bruce been radicalized by his parents’ death and he don’t mess with them ballistics like that. So Batman doesn’t use guns and he doesn’t kill people (look, work with me here, he don’t kill people directly or on purpose). Listen, Twitter, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be mad about the lack of de-escalation techniques and use of lethal means against suspects and also get on Batman, cuz these folks get arrested and are out of Arkham a month later to terrorize the city again. Batman is justice, not the broken-ass justice system. What you want dude to do, start putting
folks into exile? Y’all want lobotomies, Nurse Ratched?! Y’all better holla at the Gotham City district attorney and stop giving Batman grief about this.

  If there’s a critique about Bruce Wayne and the potential of his political power, it’s that he could be pushing for tighter gun laws. But one, Bruce don’t trust a fucking soul in Gotham, so that corruption got him not believing in nobody with power. And two, a lot of Batman’s rogues been spreading the mayhem in a lot of ways without the literal gun in hand. Batman done seen some things. He might hate guns because of what happened to his parents, but he realizes there’s some other shit out there. Have you seen Victor Zsasz with a knife? Poison Ivy killing folks with hibiscus? You got me fucked up. Like, please, Gotham, pass some background checks. But that ain’t solving all your problems.

  I’LL TAKE THE COWL, FAM

  The most damning thing about Batman is the real-world evidence that more present and active policing on a community actually increases the chance of violence in those communities. There’s national studies that show the increased likeliness that people with no previous criminal record who have interactions with police are much more likely to commit a crime than those who haven’t. You got a Memphis study that shows crime reducing proportional to the decrease in police presence. And Memphis gave us Three 6 Mafia, ain’t none of them putting up riddles all over the city with folks in death traps. So by proxy, the reason that Batman has such an extensive group of villains wreaking havoc on Gotham is because Batman himself is beating villains’ ass in Gotham. And listen… I got no answers for you. What you want Batman to do, break one rib instead of four on a villain? You want him to drop the gruff voice and pick up an Obama cadence when trying to get someone to reveal the location of the person they kidnapped? You don’t take the brush out of Michelangelo’s hand. You don’t take the coke out of Pusha T’s flow. Let Batman cook.