Black Nerd Problems

by William Evans

  Tai Lung was in prison for twenty years, fam. They hit your boy with the Hannibal Lecter for martial arts master vice for twenty years. In his prime? That’s like LeBron being in a cast from age nineteen to thirty-nine and still being the most feared player on the court when he’s forty. Dude picked his lock with a fuckin’ peacock feather and his own tail, cracked his knuckles, rolled his neck, and basically told the whole prison to get right with their god.

  Dude was still chained up and dodged not one, not two, not three, but four crossbow bolts, using the last one to free one of his hands. Then, when your boy got free, he threw the crossbow bolts into the wall and straight up platformed that shit like Mega Man. Your boy was out here running on the walls, telling Prince of Persia to go to hell. They tried to release the flutes on your boy and Ramsay Bolton him with the arrows. Nope. Raised the platform and tried to abandon him in the pit. NOPE. After that (for a while) it was all Taijutsu and he just… you know what, dude just whupped everybody’s ass. No need for metaphor here, fam, he just took muthafuckas apart like Michael Dell did his first computer.

  Then they try to blow up the bridge to prevent his escape. They really out here trying to merk Da Gawd, yo. Tai Lung out here climbing falling rocks until he hits the ceiling where the last explosives are, then returns that shit to sender like Amazon sent him the wrong shirt size. Nah, this shit was next level and four minutes of legend making and legend forging. When he walkin’ over the unconscious bodies of all the prison guards, your boy grabs the messenger Zeng by the neck and sends him back to the Jade Palace with a copy of Jay-Z’s “Public Service Announcement” with the first bars on a loop: “Allow me to re-introduce myself…”

  Magnetic, the flows are athletic

  Dimensions are perfected

  But the static and kinetic is power

  —Yasiin Bey, “Casa Bey”

  Speaking of when he tossed his demo to Zeng after he broke out of prison, it’s the first time we hear Tai Lung’s voice, and yes, my ninjas, it’s the gawd of vocals and monologues, Al Swearengen himself, Ian McShane. Yo, if you’ve read just about anything from me, then you know I want Ian McShane to star in every gotdamn thing Being John Malkovich style. But he’s perfect to voice the most terrifying villain in these kung fu streets. The charismatic and yet menacing demeanor. The matter-of-fact jaguar shade style. The confidence of a predator cat that just wants to watch the world burn. Dude is Mr. Steal Your Technique in the Club. McShane got the vocal range of a fuckin’ guided missile and gives Tai Lung all the nuance necessary—from fighting his former master to his ultimate defeat, it’s all there.

  Being feared go farther than any part of me having respect does

  So I play to the tune of my own eardrum

  —Royce da 5'9", “Wait”

  Unlike the sequels (which I still fux with but they still ain’t 2Pac, nah mean), Tai Lung was a beast because it was all him, yo. He didn’t need no fuckin’ cannons or all the metal in China. And he didn’t need the mastery of the mystic arts like chi to imprison souls to fight for him. Tai Lung was the fuckin’ Rock Lee from Naruto of Kung Fu Panda villains. Just straight up, you can catch these hands and I don’t need any backup singers.

  Fuck your rhythm section. Fuck your autotune and your sound engineer. Fuck your background vocals and your Super Bowl pyrotechnics. Tai Lung out there with one mic like Nas, spittin’ the ill shit a cappella with nothing but a spotlight and the fiercest claws this side of the Ming Dynasty. He should’ve known he didn’t need the Dragon Scroll cuz he been wreckin’ the game with nothin’ but blood, sweat, and other cats’ tears his whole life.

  They wear them lifetime

  They tell they [leopards], Tai did this

  Pointin’ to their scars like, nah, baby, really Tai did this

  —Inspired by Nas, “Loco-Motive”

  Simply, Tai Lung was the fuckin’ illest in combat. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. I already broke down his prison escape. His next move after the prison break? When he fought the Furious Five. By himself. Furious Five really thought they were going to prove themselves by sending Tai Lung back to prison, and Tai Lung said, “The only thing getting sent back is this Bob Evans breakfast I ordered cuz it got cold WHILE I BEAT THE BRAKES OFF ALL FIVE OF YOU.” He took on the Furious Five like that shit was a warm-up before his 6:00 a.m. CrossFit class. He out here on a rope bridge handing out overtime to five kung fu masters like the Jade Palace was short-staffed and someone needed to make up the hours.

  Tigress tried to hit him with “How do you know I’m not the Dragon Warrior?” and Tai Lung hit her back like, “Ain’t nobody coming to see you, Otis!” And then after surviving their best effort there, your boy hits them all with the good night juice and leaves them to go tell the village to knock them milk bottles together and come out to play.

  Do I even need to get into how Tai Lung put the paws on Master Shifu? How your boy literally broke out the super combo from Street Fighter and hit Shifu with the hot nickels? Sheeyet, Tai Lung out here doing the Lord’s work with the rage and the technique and nobody could see him… until the obligatory ending where the hero (Po) must prevail against the superior foe. Let’s not mince words here, I love Kung Fu Panda, the movies and the character. But Tai Lung might be the best to ever do it. And Po beat your boy with belly flops and adrenaline fueled by hunger pains. I’m disgusted. But I love it. But also disgusted.

  Tai Lung deserved better, man, but this is what his actual destiny was. Not to be the Dragon Warrior, but to be the antagonist in a DreamWorks animated production. Let’s pour out a little sake for our snow leopard with the dark future and fast kicks. May he know some peace (but mostly war) in the spirit realm.

  Green Lantern Comics Have Low-Key Been Tackling Police Accountability for a Minute

  OMAR HOLMON, aka The Black Friend John Stewart Vents To

  IF YOU GAVE me a microphone right now, on the spot, and told me to deliver a dissertation on a topic, odds are I’m going to be talking about DC Comics’ Green Lantern (Silver Age incarnation), created by John Broome and artist Gil Kane. I can break down each Green Lantern from the lore to the characters, the highs, the lows, and when they tell me to cut it short ’cause I’m going overtime, I’d say, “Too bad, ’cause those three hours were just the introduction. The real shit starts now.” I’ve always loved the concept of the Green Lantern. If y’all aren’t familiar with the character, lemme give you a quick rundown. Picture this shit. Space is broken down into 3,600 sectors. At the center of the universe is the planet Oa, home of the Guardians of the Universe, also known as Oans. The Guardians are small blue aliens that are old as fuck, the Big Bang was like fireworks goin’ off outside their window. They’re the peacekeepers of the universe. The Guardians created the Green Lantern Corps to be their ambassadors, so to speak, throughout the universe and they are armed with power rings.

  Power rings are one of the (if not the) most powerful items/weapons in the universe. A power ring allows its wearer to make whatever they can imagine exist as a solid-light construct that the user wills into taking shape in reality. The only limit is the user’s own imagination, willpower, occasional battery recharge, and a yellow impurity that makes the ring not work on anything yellow (this we’re gon’ circle back to). Every Green Lantern uses the ring uniquely, but they all follow the same rules. The laws/principles that Green Lanterns abide by are as follows:

  1. The protection of life and liberty within the assigned sector.

  2. Following the orders of the Guardians without question.

  3. Noninterference with a planet’s culture, political structure, or its population’s collective will.

  4. Acting within local laws and obeying the local authority within reason. (Presumably, the Guardians’ orders can overrule this when necessary.)

  5. Taking no action against anyone or anything until they are proven to be a threat against life and liberty.

  6. Refusing to use the equipment, resources, or authority of the Corps f
or personal gain.

  7. Showing respect for and cooperating with other members of the Corps and the Guardians.

  8. Showing respect for life, which includes restraint of force unless there is no reasonable alternative.

  9. Giving top priority to the greatest danger in the assigned sector.

  10. Upholding the honor of the Corps.

  Mind you, revisions can be made to these laws. How does one become a Green Lantern? Glad you asked. You get selected by having the ability to overcome great fear. When a Green Lantern dies, their ring goes off to find another inhabitant of that specific sector of space to take up the mantle. Test pilot Hal Jordan became the first earthling to become a Green Lantern. The aliens chosen to be Green Lanterns all come from different walks of life: queens (Iolande), warriors (Boodikka), doctors (Soranik Natu), pacifists (Jessica Cruz), lawyers (Malet Dasim). When they are chosen by the ring, they become part of an institution that is billions of years old. I loved this concept so much and the stories of the Green Lanterns that their lantern insignia was my very first tattoo. The tattoo is an homage to my favorite Green Lantern, John Stewart. John Stewart is a Black architect from Detroit who questioned authority as opposed to his predecessor, Hal Jordan, who always challenged authority. Hal Jordan is someone who usually sees things in black and white, whereas John Stewart is the type of person who sees the gray areas.

  John Stewart made his debut 1972. In 2004, John Stewart got a retcon (a revision) added to his origin story stating that he was a former marine sniper before becoming an architect. The retcon added a new layer to the character that I appreciated, because it gave John incredible moments. There’s one comic panel where John uses his power ring to create a sniper rifle construct. Due to John’s architectural background, we see every nut, bolt, and piece coming together to create the rifle as if it’s an architectural blueprint right before he hits an enemy sniper nearly three galaxies away. That shit looked so fucking cold. I loved that my favorite character was getting more shine but also worried that this marine origin retcon gave a very pro-military message. Especially since Hal Jordan already had a military background as an air force combat pilot. Thankfully, even with the military background, John Stewart was still written and seen as a mediator first, then a soldier. Especially when he became the leader of the Green Lantern Corps, which was important to me.

  Earlier, I called Green Lanterns ambassadors, but in the comics they’re more synonymous with being militarized intergalactic law enforcers. Still, every alien species interprets their Green Lantern’s role differently. On Earth, Green Lanterns are referred to as space police or cops. However, in the real world of the United States of America, policing’s history has roots originating in catching slaves in the South. Meanwhile up north, police were people hired to protect property and shipping goods. From their incarnation to present day, police officers have been brutalizing, incarcerating, and killing Black folk. The comparison of Green Lanterns with police made me worry that the series could be considered a sci-fi version of copaganda. Thankfully, throughout the multiple volumes of Green Lantern comics, they were DC Comics’ first series to really address race, poverty, and religion and provide commentary or ideology of what a combination of humanitarianism and law enforcement could be. It was this realization that lemme breathe a sigh of relief that I can fuck with the Green Lanterns guilt-free because the biggest difference between them and police is that they’re written as people who actually serve their community and are held accountable when they abuse their power.

  There’s long been a discussion of how police are called for things that are outside of their jurisdiction and are expected to handle small-scale cases with people that they aren’t trained or equipped to handle. That’s not even getting into how their training is only like, what, six to eight months? While law enforcement in other countries go through years of training, especially in de-escalation, and fewer people are killed by law enforcement. There’s a tweet from a friend of mine, CB Rucker, that puts into perspective the use of policing in the United States: “Replace ‘cop’ with ‘mu’fucka with a gun’ and you’ll see how stupid our use of police is. The neighbors are too loud, so we call a mu’fucka with a gun to get them to turn down the noise? There’s a Black person you don’t know present, so you call a mu’fucka with a gun? See how insane this shit is. That’s our ‘answer’ to shit.”

  Switching gears from comics to live-action series for a moment, HBO’s live-action TV series Watchmen displayed an accountability to the police’s use of guns perfectly and subtly in its first episode. In the second opening scene, an officer pulls over a driver and sees memorabilia that indicates the driver is part of a local white supremacist terrorist group. The officer then goes to his police car, calls the situation in to his headquarters, and asks permission that his gun be unlocked from its holster in the car. This is such a subtle nod to show that in that world, even police have to abide by strict gun control procedures. This scene immediately stood out to me. I feel it is something not shown in cop shows often. In the Green Lantern comics, they tackled an inverse of this situation. Ever since the Green Lantern Corps’s incarnation, a Green Lantern’s power ring wasn’t allowed to use lethal force. When the Corps was involved in a war against the Sinestro Corps, the Guardians of the Universe, their superiors, allowed them the use of lethal force for the first time ever. After the war, there was a conversation among the Green Lantern Corps members that resulted in some members refusing to use lethal force. Almost immediately we see the first occurrence of abuse of lethal force take place. Some Green Lanterns were bringing the body of their fallen comrade back to his family. They arrived to see their comrade’s family dead. Their killer was Amon Sur, an intergalactic terrorist. Amon Sur was waiting for the Green Lanterns to arrive so that he could surrender and news of what he did would spread. That alien got killed on the fucking spot by a Green Lantern named Laira.

  Laira was charged with murder. Even her teammates told their fellow corpsmen it was murder, not justice, as everyone debated about it. Laira stood trial for her actions. Her ring had recorded and logged her actions for all to see, and she was stripped of her Green Lantern “badge” and power ring. Open-and-fucking-shut case. As it should be. Laira’s story always makes me think about how in the United States a lot of people thought body cams on officers would make a difference to curb police brutality. Surely, if we see what they see and are doing, then officers can be held accountable. That thought stays in my head, since body cams on officers really gave us nothing more than a front-row seat to the deaths of unarmed Black people. I mean, that’s when the cameras were even turned on or kept on during altercations. Body cams made Black deaths viral and a form of public execution, and these police officers were still not held accountable.

  We watched Black children killed, Black men shot or choked out to death, Black women literally being assaulted by police. There’s footage of an officer from Miami holding a Black pregnant mother down, knee on her shoulder, and tasing her stomach. Even with footage, a lot of these officers were given time off with pay or fired, but not many convicted or even going to trial. It got made clear very quickly that even seeing isn’t believing for white America. There’s no coming back from that. You may wonder, “How is video evidence still not enough?” Trust, I’m over here wondering the same damn thing, man. Folks thought the problem of “well, we weren’t there so we don’t know what happened”/“he said, she said” would be fixed by body cams. How ironic that now you can go on your news feed and see that horror live, in color, and still know there’s a slim chance those officers responsible will be held accountable. Which brings me to think about the upper administration of police lying their asses off or burying evidence. There’s no bigger picture with the police for peace. They let folks get fired at times, but those people get rehired in a different department with those stains on the record fully visible. What part of the reform is that? I couldn’t tell ya, but I can tell ya what part of the racism that is. The systemic
part.

  There are countless instances where officers were not only lying to help each other but hiding evidence where they could have prevented the death of someone in custody. Instead, they stood there and did nothing. We’ve witnessed so many instances that didn’t require force whatsoever and ended with a Black person’s name as a hashtag to give light to their death. Ironically enough, a Green Lantern named Sojourner Mullein, created by N. K. Jemisin and artist Jamal Campbell and the first (Earth) Black woman to become a Green Lantern, dealt with a similar issue. She joined the military and police force in hopes of changing things. When she witnessed her partner beating a person with the end of their gun, she froze in shock. When Sojourner testified against her partner she was fired. She was fired for doing the right thing. In the real world this shit doesn’t happen often, because the police protect one another and their actions, no matter how heinous. Now maybe you’re reading this and know one cop that did do the right thing. That’s one outta how many thousands/millions of officers abusing power, keeping up this systemic structure of oppression? Again, I do not believe there is a way to reform this shit, fam.

  I don’t believe that “it’s only a few bad apples” ruining it for everyone. We’re not talking ’bout bad apples ruining an apple crumble pie. We talking ’bout a lot of muthafuckas that have access to a gun and authority getting away with killing Black people. Before becoming one of my favorite wrestlers, Mustafa Ali spent four years as a police officer. Ali said he became an officer because he wanted to promote change from within. I’ll never forget seeing him talk about how Black folks were targeted for arrest and incarceration and the profit that comes due to the design of the criminal justice system. He said that shit on the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Network and in a Sports Illustrated interview, citing that what he saw as an officer is a big part of why he supports the Black Lives Matter stance and movement. I bring that “change from within” idea up as it’s hard for one person to change an entire structure built on racism.