Black Nerd Problems

by William Evans

  Who the fuck is next, man? How about Sadako Yamamura/Samara Morgan from Ring, you say? Pshhh, please. Whole premise of her movie was you watch this tape, then you die in seven days ’cause she comes after you from the television… Dude, it’s 2020, there ain’t shit worth dying for on a VHS tape, even if it’s labeled NSFW. I’d only give her this scenario if there was a torrent for this shit, man. That’s the only way anybody I know going to peep her wack-ass tape. This was a simple fix ’cause as soon as I see her coming out the TV I either change the channel, break it, or chuck it out the window. If she comes out my laptop… arghhhhhh… I think 80 percent of me says I’d give it the Falcon Punch. Next!

  Esther from Orphan? Esther was posing as a nine-year-old girl, but she was actually in her late thirties and mad disturbed. She might not be in the same league as Freddy and them, but my mother loved this movie and my brother had the perfect retort for the entire film: “Nope. Nooooooooooooooooooooo way. I’m not going out like that. I’m scoop-slamming her like Matt Hughes and doing some UFC knees if need be. Taking her right back to the orphanage and not even stopping the car when I kick her out. Shortest movie ever. If you went to get popcorn, too bad, you missed the entire film.” Next!

  The serial killer from Scream? Ain’t nobody round here scared of that Saturday-morning Scooby-Doo villain mask, yo. Again, man, this is a serial killer that can only flourish in the suburbs on some big fish, little pond shit. His whole fit and MO is out the ordinary in the burbs but not in the big city. How you gon’ flourish in New York when your fit don’t scare anybody ’cause we done seen it all on the subway. If it’s me and I see dude jump out, I’m automatically assuming he’s a street performer. I’d give him some change and keep it the fuck moving like, “Okay, buddy, yeah, you’re a serial killer, yada, yada. Look, I already gave you a dollar… we’re done here.”

  Is that all y’all got for me? That all there is? Man, I’ll throw in Jurassic Park as a bonus ’cause it ain’t horror really but that shit ain’t fun neither. So check it, there’s no way on any part of the universe would I be caught at Jurassic Park or Jurassic World. Like, what’s a better survival plan than utterly refusing to go because there’s a muhfucking park… with muhfucking actual dinosaurs. No. Just hell no. But for argument’s sake, let’s say I’m a ten-year-old that wants to go on a field trip there or whatever. Son, MY. MOM. WOULD. NOT. BE. HAVING. IT. First off, I’m going to assume she isn’t sending me to the Flintstones’ trap house because A) she loves me, and B) she would tell me if I wanna see dinosaurs I better take my ass to the museum and pet one of the dead ones on display. I could hear her now sayin’, “Must be out your mind talkin’ ’bout some Jurassic World. Why don’t you go clean your room and see if you find any fossils in there, ’cause you ain’t cleaned it since they cloned the first damn dinosaur anyhow.” News would break about the dinosaurs getting out days later. Mom saying, “Oh, you still wanna go to some Jurassic World now? I didn’t think so.”

  Is there no one else? Huh? Some of y’all might be reading this saying, “Oh, you forgot Norman Bates.” I’ll beat the mama’s boy outta Bates. What else you got? Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds? That ain’t nothing but a Popeyes/Church’s Chicken/Crown Chicken/Chick-fil-A commercial to me. The Hills Have Eyes? I know they ain’t looking at me. Jaws? I’m good right here ten toes down on the beach. Pennywise? I don’t entertain clowns or muhfuckas in clown shoes, go on with that mess. Chucky? Y’all talking Child’s Play is straight up child’s play, there’s nothing I can do worse to Chucky that his sequels ain’t already do to him. Still, Chucky ain’t nothing a punt kick can’t take care of. Get that Garbage Pail Kid the fuck outta here. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Who’s next?! Huh? Ain’t a scary movie alive, character or scenario, that got me shook. I’m prepared for anything and every damn thing. Ain’t nothing gon’ get me or catch me slipping. What’s that? Hold up, did I hear someone say, “What about The Exorcist?”

  …All right, so… I mean… I—No comment. End the chapter, yo. End the damn chapter, they out here bringing The Exorcist up and I do not fuck with that level of supernatural. Mmm-fucking-mmmmm. No, sir. Better do like Bob Seger and turn the page, ’cause we done here.

  Jordan Peele Should Get His Flowers while He’s Here

  OMAR HOLMON, aka Get Out… of My Dreams and into My Dark Twisted Fantasy

  THERE’S NOTHING I love more than character development in real time from performers. Seeing them excel when they don’t stay in their lane, refusing to be pigeonholed. I love seeing it occur when actors go from comedic roles to serious roles and vice versa. I’m all about celebrating. I’m also about praising that range when it occurs in order to give people their flowers while they are still here. Too often we see an artist’s body of work go under the radar and only appreciate it fully once they’re gone. I’m just trying to get ahead of that and in doing so give that man Jordan Peele his flowers while he’s here. Jordan Peele did a whole cultural genre reset when he went from comedy to horror. Get Out really changed the game and he did not slow down from there. Lemme give this man his credit from the beginning to his current progress save point at this moment.

  *takes a deep breath* When J. Cole said, The real is back, the ville is back / Flow bananas here, peel[e] this back, he meant Jordan Peele was going to not only go bananas but the entirety of the fruit basket on Hollywood cinema. Jordan Peele got drafted to the 2003 cast of Mad TV, and then like every hacker in every movie scene where there is a hacker breaking into a system, he said, “I’m in.” Peele said, “Y’all want jokes, huh? I got your fucking jokes right here. I got your comedy sketches right here.” All the while plotting for the lane change. First Jordan Peele had to bide his time tho. He warmed his way into America’s hearts with jokes and shit. Got households used to his face on TV making audiences laugh out loud. That was the first step, the second step? Operation Key & Peele.

  Comedy Central was desperate after they fucked up the Chappelle’s Show ride. It needed someone to fill the void. It should be understood I don’t give a fuck if that wasn’t the actual case ’cause this is the narrative in my eyes. Comedy Central asked Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele for a show. If they could hold their ship together. “Can y’all make muthafuckas laugh? The TV streets need a sketch show from us. We need this hit. We need a banger show. Can y’all do it? Can y’all get this shit done?!” I like to imagine Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele hearing this, then looking at each other and giving the Matthew McConaughey–level “all right, all right, all-fucking-right” to signify the comedy game was ’bout to change. This was it, baby. This was what those years spent grinding on Mad TV was about. This was comedy WrestleMania.

  Key & Peele hit them TV screens with the same energy as a buddy-cop/team-up movie and nothing was the same. Muthafuckas weren’t ready for this Harlem Heat all-Black everything tag team in the comedy game. I said *looks over shoulder* biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch, no one was ready for the skits. Ya boys were nice. Lemme rephrase that, Keegan Key and Jordan Peele were fucking nooooice. Muthafuckas knew the show’s skits by heart. They got funny and addressed race shit, stereotype shit, and that surreal shit. They took the trope of magical Negroes that show up in movies to help white folks and upped the ridiculousness of it in a sketch where two old, wise, magical Black men rivals, Mr. Stanley (Jordan) and Carl (Keegan-Michael), battle each other to be the one to offer advice to the “troubled white boy.” The sketch was like the magical Negro version of the movie Highlander. There’s another one where Keegan-Michael plays Mr. Garvey, an inner-city teacher having trouble as a substitute teacher at a school for white middle-class kids. You know how some teachers or most white people can butcher the pronunciation of Black or ethnic names? Mr. Garvey does the same thing when trying to pronounce these kids’ “common”-ass English names like Ay-Ay-Ron (Aaron), Dee-Nice (Denise), Jay-Quellin (Jacqueline), Je-Seeka (Jessica), and Balakay (Blake). Not only is this my favorite sketch, it’s a brilliant play off this misconception of English names being the norm
or easier to pronounce than Black/ethnic names. Every Black/POC person has a story ’bout their name being butchered in pronunciation into something outrageous. These were the top-tier sketches that the comedy streets needed. Key & Peele gave the world five seasons of jokes. They made themselves household names for five years. On top of the world and then they decided to end the show. Best thing about them is that they did it like Outkast, they were still a duo, but they were both going to do their Outkast Speakerboxxx/The Love Below solo routes at the same time. The stage was set right there for the swerve.

  Everyone heard that Jordan Peele was getting into horror and said, “What? The dude that did that comedy action movie about getting his cat back? That Jordan Peele? The funny guy?” Everyone had their opinions. Folks had their doubts. Maaaan, Jordan Peele dropped the trailer for Get Out and Loooooooord. Everybody shut the fuck up. Get Out changed the horror game on some FUBU shit (For Us, By Us, for those born after 1992). A horror movie where the micro- and macroaggressions were the large portions of the scares. I remember being in the theater in New York watching Get Out and that shit was a whole-ass experience. It felt like the Black Panther feel but for horror movies. Jordan Peele did that shit, man. I like to imagine that Jordan Peele was standing somewhere overlooking a city with his hands behind his back like Thanos, while his film gained notoriety, traction, and praise. The success of Get Out made everyone look at Jordan Peele and wonder, “How long were you planning this? What else do you have in the pockets?” Jordan Peele peeled off from comedy, swerved into horror, and said, “Oh, we not done yet. I got more for that ass.” Jordan Peele did the DJ Khaled voice and said, “Another one,” not only dropping his second horror movie, Us, but then producing and writing the Candyman 2021 remake with Nia DaCosta directing it. Do y’all know how hard Black folk go for Candyman? Candyman was, to me, at least, the first Black slasher horror figure. His film became a cult classic with Black folk and cemented him, to me, at least, as a Jason or Freddy Krueger type icon in his own right. Yes. Jordan Peele got on and is putting people on. We love to see it.

  You’d think it would stop there. You’d think Jordan Peele would be happy having proved that you can’t pigeonhole an artist. You’d think folks recognizing that he got the comedy and horror game on lock would be enough. No. Nope. It ain’t. Jordan Peele showed up in a teaser trailer rocking a black suit and stepping through a door. Not just any door. The motherfucking Twilight Zone door. What. The. Fuck? Jordan Peele went on to become not only the executive producer for a Twilight Zone remake but the narrator as well. That’s comedy, horror, and now a sci-fi element of horror? How many championship belts is this man Jordan Peele going to take? How much flex can one man possibly flex on us? Y’all don’t hear me tho, this is what stunting looks like. Everybody thought it was all jokes with Jordan Peele. Everybody thought he was just going to keep it comedy for his career. No, no, no, folks. Jordan Peele dipping his hand in all the dishes in the kitchen. The man is cooking a bunch of recipes right now.

  I wanna know what the fuck is next so I don’t get surprised. Is he going to go into rom-coms next? The man was already in Toy Story 4 with his mans and dem Keegan-Michael Key. We gotta add children’s movies to the list now too! Jordan Peele is legit putting together an Infinity Gauntlet of a résumé, with all the gems being his movies, plus the big moves he made and is continuing to make. *slams fist on table* See that’s what the fuck I am talking about. That’s the come up we love to see. Jordan Peele’s career is looking like a heist movie at this point. This feels like a long-game heist to steal the stat quo from Hollywood one piece at a time and I am enjoying it. Does that make him Danny Ocean? Jordan Peele has really changed what a horror movie can look like and I’m hoping he will continue to do so. All the while swinging back and forth between comedy and horror to show that he can do both with ease. This is the shit I am talking about, not many people can get away with or do what Jordan Peele has done across genres. So those that have should get their flowers now as well. I love when performers fly under the radar, but it’s good to let them get the recognition and praise they deserve while they’re still around to take it in.

  Top Five Dead or Alive: Red Hood in the DC Animated Universe

  WILLIAM EVANS, aka The Fifty-Eleventh Robin So Far

  LOOK, FAM, EVERYONE got their rituals, nah mean? Some folks like to eat a particular meal every first of the month. Some folks rearrange their furniture. Me? I watch Batman: Under the Red Hood. Every. Month. I be scoping all these DCU animated films and for the most part, I can dig something out of all of them, but they all be fighting for second place, yo.

  Red Hood is the muthafuckin’ John Boyega over the couch reaction to Star Wars, but for all Batman animated films. Please believe, this shit go prison-yard hard through every phase. And I know folks love Mask of the Phantasm and Return of the Joker for good reasons, but you know what those movies ain’t got? Jason. Muthafuckin’. I Boosted the Wheels. On the Batmobile. When I Was Barely Double Digits. Todd. Which, no matter what flick you prefer, ain’t no debate. Red Hood as a character, through any DCU animated film, is Top Five Dead or Alive.

  Fuck the whole industry!

  You tried to get rid of me?

  Y’all must be kiddin’ me!!

  —Keith Murray, “Special Delivery”

  Man, you can call this shit tradition at this point. If you run with Batman and rock the red. Stop. Yellow. Stop. Green. Stop. Then you know you gonna have to get dead and get brought back at some point. But Jason Todd was the original, fam. And the way that shit starts? With Jason getting blown da fuck up after getting the cape beat off him with a crowbar? Sheeeeeeiiit. Not everybody get an honorable death like that. Well, all the Robins kind of do, but still.

  Also, the movie improved upon the source, cuz the comic book version was ehhhh. Some ol’ Choose Your Own Adventure type shit where some bitter muthafucka that must have hated their younger brother voted to have Jason killed off. Well, guess what, bastards? Your boy came back with a vengeance for ayebody.

  What’s worse is that he made sure to let folks know that just cuz he came back, don’t mean that something happened to him. He hit Batman with that “oh, you think Ra’s’ little dip in the pool turned me rabid?” Naaaaaaah, fam. Jason been on that Murda Muzik. Batman kept that impulse in check, but your boy out here “No Church in the Wild” for his brand of justice. Always has been.

  Scared to death, running like I got bears on me

  (Run!) My Timbs start feeling like they Nike Airs on me

  —Ghostface Killah, “Run”

  Yo, but why Jason Todd about to win American Ninja Warrior off the strength of his rooftop game? First time Batman chased him through these Gotham streets was mostly by vehicle, but when Bats and Nightwing tried to bounty hunt your boy? Fuck that. Your dude bailed on a helicopter and then went Bourne Supremacy through the skyline. Even Nightwing can’t shut the fuck up about it (played brilliantly by Neil Patrick Harris).

  Jason out here turning in his forty time at the combine, jumping out of windows, turning 180 degrees, and shooting fire extinguishers to delay his pursuers. Dude did the triple jump onto a blimp (a fuckin’ blimp, fam!) and set up in position. Then he readied the pistols like it was a turn-based strategy game, just waiting on Batman to hit the corner. Not to mention him cutting the cable off his ankle midair. Not to mention the long game he had set up with the bomb posted in the train station for his getaway. Nah, man. Y’all ain’t gonna have me believing the Red Hood ain’t play all the Ninja Gaiden games.

  Yeah we got A-M-M-O, but you’ll get beat like MMA

  I got Dracos, Ninos, Automatics; that’s my DNA

  —Lil Wayne, “Fly Away”

  Can we talk about how Jason took that Batman training and went next level with the spec-ops weapons training? Can we talk about how your boy combined gadgets, hand to hand, and an NRA membership? Yeah, obviously, this is what separates him from Batman, but yo, Jason ain’t develop that same fear of firearms that Bruce did.
Times two, cuz your boy always carry a pair. And a blade.

  Did I mention he got Batman’s arsenal too? When the Black Mask’s mercenaries showed up your boy went dual-wield God mode. He out here moving like Aang if Aang carried a couple extra clips and had Quantico-level marksmanship. You see the way this dude side-to-side drills while never leaving his target?!?!

  He out here on skates, man. He out here going Kyrie Irving on these dudes. Chow Yun-fat could never. Max Payne ain’t got enough agility perks, and Jason ain’t even got Bullet Time, yo. If your MCM can’t strafe with the left thumbstick and aim with the right like Jason, then your MCM is trash.

  I ain’t even got to his fight with Batman near the end. Well, not the very end. That’s a bad example cuz I do love how they always make sure that Batman can go next level on his former apprentices when he needs to. But under the gargoyles, Jason was giving Batman all he could handle. He done disarmed your boy. Mask off like he was Miles Morales or some shit. That knife in the cape, trap? Next level. The bomb in the mask trick? He just showing off.

  With so much personality, what do you want from me?

  I could be by myself and enjoy the company

  —Kanye West, “Whole City Behind Us”

  Let’s also be real, after watching so much of our beloved Batman be the stoic stalwart, having a lead character in a Batman film with this much personality is my shit. He ain’t as chatty as Nightwing (it’s part of his charm), but every time dude speaks, that shit kills. From the introduction of the Red Hood, he was out here dropping bars and one-liners wasn’t nobody else fuckin’ with. When he threatened the drug trade for 40 percent, his mouth was as lethal as the AK he was pointing. Your boy tossed the heads of each lieutenant on the table talking about, “That took me two hours. Want to see what I can get done in a whole evening?”