First Thing I See

by Keeland, Vi

  ***

  I think I caught both Ashley and Amanda drooling during dinner, and it wasn’t at the sight of the twenty two pound golden turkey. I would have thought it would bother me that they overtly flirted with my boyfriend right in front of me, but it didn’t. Kennedy showed no sign of interest in the beautiful twins. Instead, every time they did anything remotely disrespectful to me, I noticed he made a small gesture of affection toward me. A rub on my back, a brush of my hand, a smile only for me. I didn’t know if he did it on purpose or not, but I felt like it wasn’t just me against them anymore. Kennedy had my back. For the first time ever, I felt like I wasn’t alone against them. And it felt good.

  We made it through dinner, but by dessert I noticed that Candace had started to slur her words slightly. I wasn’t counting, but I was pretty sure that she had three glasses of wine during dinner alone. The look on her face told me the alcohol was fueling a new fire about to roar. “So, Kennedy, do you want children?”

  I nearly choked on the wine I was drinking. “Candace, I thought we were done with Kennedy’s interrogation.”

  “It’s okay Hope. Yes, I’d like children someday.“ He showed no fear as he responded to her.

  “Won’t that be difficult with all the traveling you do?”

  He thought for a moment. “I’ve spent the last 10 years growing my company. To be honest, there was never anything important enough to keep me home. So when traveling was required, I did it. But I have built a great team now. I have people I can trust to take over some of the travel when my personal attention isn’t required. I’ve already started to pass things off so that I can be home with Hope.”

  I saw another unspoken exchange between Dad and Kennedy. Their eyes caught and I saw Dad give Kennedy a small nod.

  His answer was what every mother would want to hear. To know their daughter was being made a priority over work. But Candace wasn’t looking for a mother’s comfort. “Home? Which home would that be, New York or Chicago?”

  “Right now home for me is wherever Hope is. We’ll figure the rest out later.” He looked at me and I smiled. He gave a slight smile back and raised one eyebrow silently asking if his responses were good. I stood to start to clear the table and leaned down to his ear and quietly whispered. “Perfect.”

  If I wasn’t in love with him before, the way he handled Candace would have done it for me. As always, he was confident and in control. His manner was strong and powerful, yet he was respectful and dignified. I could understand why he was so successful in business. He was intimidating and well spoken and his presence controlled a room.

  ***

  Our flight wasn’t until late Saturday evening, and I had told Kennedy I wanted to go to the cemetery and visit my mom. I had never gone to the cemetery with anyone, except the day of the funeral. I went all the time; I just always wanted to go alone. Shauna and Dad had both offered dozens of times to go with me, but I’d always declined and they didn’t push. But with Kennedy, he didn’t offer to go with me, he was just going.

  Dad had purposely picked a cemetery that I could walk to, since I was so young when she died. It was a long walk, but I had grown to enjoy it and never taken a car even after I learned to drive. Kennedy was dressed and ready when I got out of the shower. “I hope you don’t mind, but I like to walk to the cemetery. It’s not a bad walk and I find it soothing on the way home.”

  “Not at all, you get ready and I’ll meet you downstairs in a little while.” He kissed my forehead and squeezed my shoulders before walking away.

  It only takes Kennedy fifteen minutes to get ready and look like he walked off the cover of a magazine, but it took me at least an hour. I straightened my hair and put on light makeup. I chose a long flowing sand colored skirt with tall brown distressed leather boots. A cream tank top with a shaggy long fringed sweater and hoop earrings completed my so-ho gypsy look of the day.

  I went downstairs and found Kennedy sitting on the porch with Dad. He had a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers that were tied up simply in natural cord. I knew they had to come from Gerlick Flowers just from looking at them. Gerlick was more of an artist than a florist, and I often went there to get flowers to bring to mom. If I had been in the store, those are the exact flowers I would have picked.

  Dad stood and gave me a tight hug. Then he gave Kennedy a quick nod and put his hand on Kennedy’s shoulder before walking away. Another unspoken exchange.

  ***

  We walked to the cemetery hand in hand and Kennedy carried the flowers. We talked and laughed and recounted the last few days in Florence. “I think my step sisters have a crush on you.”

  He laughed.

  “Have women always thrown themselves at you? “

  “Do you want an honest answer?”

  “I’m not sure, do I?” I winced at the thought.

  “It was great when I was young and stupid. But it gets old pretty fast.”

  “Aww….poor little rich pretty boy… sounds tough.” I did my best fake sad face to feign understanding at the difficult time he must have had.

  “Keep it up and I’ll put you over my knee with that attitude. And I’ll enjoy every fucking minute of it.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.”

  He arched one eyebrow and smirked. “Try me. I’ve spent three days next to you and kept my hands to myself out of respect to your father. So you are already in trouble when we are finally alone. I’d love to spank that heart shaped ass of yours until it turns bright red.”

  I flushed. Jesus. The man can make my panties wet on the way to a cemetery! What the hell is wrong with me!

  I bit my bottom lip to try to push the thought of his smacking my ass out of my head. It didn’t work.

  Kennedy gave me a devious smile and shook his head. “I can’t wait to get you alone.”

  ***

  We visited my Mom’s grave for a while. Dad had a bench placed in front of her headstone years ago, so that I could sit and talk to her. It was odd to share the bench with anyone. For years, I would sit and talk to Mom, telling her about what was going on in my life. Sometimes, when things got bad with Candace, I would cry and tell her how much I needed her and missed her.

  “When she first died, I would come here and cry all the time. I didn’t really know what to do when I visited. Then, as I got older, I would come here and tell her about my day or what was going on in my life. Sometimes I would cry and tell her it wasn’t fair that I didn’t have her anymore. Then, one day, I came for a visit and there was a funeral going on next to her stone. I watched from a distance as they lowered the small casket into the ground. It was a child. I came back a few weeks later and saw the headstone.” I motioned at the headstone to my left. “Lilly was only 12 when she died and I watched her mother lay her to rest. After that, I came and told mom about my day, but I didn’t complain or cry anymore. At least she got to live 35 years and have a child. Poor Lilly made me realize I needed to appreciate the time I had with her and stop living in the past in honor of Mom’s death.”

  Kennedy didn’t say anything. He put his arms around me and held me close and kissed the top of my head. When I stood and took his hand to leave, I watched as he opened the cord on the flowers and laid half at my Mom’s headstone and the other half at Lilly’s. He didn’t know that I’d done the same thing a hundred times before.

  ***

  We said goodbye and I promised to call next weekend. Dad reminded me that he was going to Connecticut for a conference in a few weeks and told me that he would love to see my apartment. He squeezed me into a bear hug and spun me around. I smiled and pretended I thought I was too old for him to still do that, but I actually loved it and he knew it. Kennedy and Dad shook hands. “You take good care of my baby girl.”

  Kennedy nodded. “I will.”

  “Candy says to tell you that she’s sorry she got caught in traffic and won’t get to say goodbye in person.” I knew that Candace had purposely gone out to the stores a few hours ago and not come back in time to s
ay good bye. But I was glad she at least made an excuse up so that Dad didn’t feel bad.

  Chapter 18

  Kennedy was quiet the trip back to Chicago. I had a connecting flight to New York an hour later and I was secretly hoping that he would insist that I change my flight to Sunday, so we could spend the night together alone. He didn’t. We sat together as I waited for my flight to get called for boarding, and he kissed me and held me tight before I boarded. I was a little disappointed, but I figured that he probably had a lot of work to do and I tried not to let my mind wander.

  ***

  Kennedy woke in a cold sweat, his chest heaving with breath stolen by terror. He hadn’t had the dream in four years. Why were they starting again? It took years of therapy for him to stop replaying the day Kelly disappeared in his dreams. He couldn’t go through it all again. Not now. Not when he had found Hope. Hadn’t ten years of living the same nightmare over and over been enough torture for his sins? He never remembered the beginning of the nightmare, but always woke up at the same part.

  Kelly Preston had been his first love. They were 14 when they met. She was in his English class and he stared at her for a month before he asked her out. She had long blonde hair and drew pictures of angels flying over rainbows during class instead of taking notes. Her art was amazing and she couldn’t focus when she had a picture in her head until she let it out on paper.

  He asked her to the 9th grade dance in October and they were inseparable for the next 13 months. Every day after school they would walk hand in hand to the park. He would push her on the swing and she would jump off and fly through the air when she got high enough to launch herself. They spent hours every day sitting in the grass under the big oak tree and doing their homework until the sun set.

  The summer of 9th grade she let him get to third base. By the beginning of 10th grade, Kennedy was already almost six feet tall and captain of the football and crew teams. Girls were starting to notice him. Kelly didn’t like all the attention that he was getting and blamed him for encouraging the attention.

  One afternoon, Kennedy was talking to Amber Maloney out on the field after football practice. He was dressed in his football uniform and Amber was dressed in her cheerleading uniform. He knew Amber liked him and she was a tease. They stood on the field and flirted for ten minutes after all the other players headed into the locker room. He didn’t know that Kelly had come to meet him after practice and was watching them alone on the field from the bleachers.

  Kelly ran home crying without letting him know she was there. But one of Kennedy’s teammates saw her running from the field and told him she left crying. He went straight to her house after school, but Kelly’s mom had told him that he needed to leave her alone, give her some space. She was upset with him and went to spend the night at her best friend Julia’s house down the road.

  Kennedy didn’t go after Kelly. He listened to her mom and gave her some space because he felt guilty for making her upset again. He thought he would talk to her the next day, after she got it out of her system complaining about him to Julia. But Kelly never made it to Julia’s house. No one knew that she was missing until the next morning when Kennedy went to Julia’s to apologize. Julia hadn’t even known that Kelly was planning on coming over until Kennedy told her the next day.

  At first, the entire town searched day and night for her. Witnesses had seen a girl with her description get into a car with an older white man. Someone had even been able to recall the type of car and some of the letters on the license plate. A week later the car was found, but no one was in it. They had found Julia’s DNA in the car, and signs of a struggle. But after the car, the trail went cold.

  The police spent six months working day and night on the case. Kennedy’s family hired private investigators and brought in the best trackers in the country. They posted a large reward for information leading to Kelly’s return. The reward uncovered all types of new leads, and all of them were tracked down. None led to Kelly.

  On the five year anniversary of her disappearance, her family held a memorial service and the police moved her case from active to cold. Kennedy kept a full time private investigator on the case for five years after that.

  His dream always ended the same.

  Kelly was screaming and banging on the glass in the back of a car as it sped away. Kennedy was standing with Amber watching it pull away.

  ***

  The next morning, Kennedy called Dr. Andrews. He hadn’t spoken to his psychiatrist in more than four years, but he answered his call on the emergency number in two rings on a Sunday morning. “Dr. Andrews, it’s Kennedy Jenner. I need to see you.”

  Dr. Andrews was out of town but they spoke on the phone for almost an hour and half and Kennedy told him about Hope and his nightmare. Then they made an appointment for Tuesday morning.

  ***

  Shauna and I met at the salon for an afternoon of mani pedis before we headed to our favorite Greek restaurant. I couldn’t wait to tell her about Thanksgiving back in Florence. “But I’m scared Shauna, I’m crazy in love with him, and sometimes I feel like he feels the same way….then other times I feel like we are on other sides of the Grand Canyon, even though he is sitting right next to me.”

  “Maybe he is scared too.” Shauna closed her eyes and settled into the massage chair as the pedicurist painted her toes blood red.

  “Have you met the man? He isn’t scared of anything.”

  “Everyone is scared of something Hope. Why do you think he is such a successful business man? Because he doesn’t show fear. But not showing fear and not having fear are two different things. You might be the man’s kryptonite. I see the way he looks at you. That man loves you and you are probably the only one that isn’t sure of it.”

  I sighed. “I hope you’re right, because if he dumps me, you’ll be the one eating ice cream out of the carton and watching depressing movies with me for three months.”

  ***

  Sunday night Kennedy called. We talked for a little while but he was quiet again. Too quiet. After we hung up I found myself feeling desperate and began analyzing the weekend I had thought went well over and over in my head. Did he think I was weak for putting up with Candace’s behavior? Was I delusional to think he was falling in love with me too? How could I feel like he loved me one minute and that he is going to leave me the next? Maybe he felt badly about breaking up with me so quickly after I took him to meet my family and he was just going through the motions now to put some time between our trip and ending things.

  Ugh! What am I doing? I had to force myself to stop thinking those thoughts. I turned the lights off to try to find sleep. I lied there for almost two more hours in the dark and finally fell asleep exhausted from fighting my own thoughts.

  ***

  By midday Monday my nerves were getting the best of me. I hadn’t slept well and too much caffeine had me on edge. I was glad that I had appointments all afternoon to keep me busy; it made the afternoon go by fairly quickly, although I kept my cell near me all afternoon hoping I would hear from Kennedy for no particular reason. He didn’t call until late that night and our conversation was benign and short. I tried to dismiss the empty feeling I had by convincing myself he was busy with work after being away for so many days with me. But our conversation felt awkward and left me feeling like he called me just to be nice. The tone of his voice was almost somber, and I was convinced that we were headed down a path that would end with me shattered into a million little pieces.

  Chapter 19

  Dr. Andrew’s office was simple and understated. Pale blue walls with two worn dark chocolate leather couches facing each other separated by a glass coffee table made the room feel warm and homey. An old oversized desk at the far corner of the room was covered with papers and files.

  Kennedy spent two hours sitting across from the silver haired distinguished Psychologist. He had known Dr. Andrew’s for almost fifteen years, but hadn’t seen him in the last four. Kennedy told Dr. Andrews about the
days leading up to the nightmare and his feelings for Hope.

  “Our dreams often come from our subconscious and sort through memories we don’t even realize exist in our brain. As we go through our normal daily activities, there are things that can trigger our memory. When we are awake, our psyche protects us and keeps us focused on the things going on outwardly around us. When we sleep, our brain can match the triggers to old memories and bring stored memories back into focus.”

  Kennedy had heard the speech before. He even understood what was happening before he spoke to Dr. Andrews. He didn’t go to see him to understand the psychology behind his nightmares. He needed Dr. Andrews to tell him that it wasn’t his fault that Kelly disappeared. But he knew why Dr. Andrews never told him that. Because it was his fault. If he hadn’t been so selfish and made her cry again, she would never have run off. He made her run straight into the arms of danger and he didn’t protect her. She trusted him and he let her down. She thought he would always be there to protect him, but he wasn’t.

  Dr. Andrews suggested that Kennedy tell Hope about Kelly, so that she could understand what he was going through. Kennedy said he would think about it, but he knew he could never tell her. He was ashamed to admit what he had done. Ashamed to tell her that it was his fault she never came home. That he didn’t protect her enough.

  ***

  Tuesday afternoon Kennedy sat in the large glass conference room at the head of the long conference room table. His executive team had just completed a monthly presentation on the status of their open projects. But he hadn’t really heard a word that any of them said. He wasn’t even sure how long he had been sitting there since the meeting had broken up. He couldn’t stop thinking about Hope. He was consumed by her. Obsessed. What if something happened to her while he was Chicago and she was in New York? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if harm ever came to her. What could he do? There was only one answer. Dr. Andrew’s was wrong, he didn’t need to tell her about his past. He needed to make sure it didn’t happen again. Hope needed to be safe. He needed her to move to Chicago with him. The sooner the better.